"But surely," began the contributor, beginning to wring his hands----
"Don"t interrupt me," I said. "In the next place, the story is much too long." Here I reached for a large pair of tailor"s scissors that lay on the table. "This story contains nine thousand words. We never care to use more than six thousand. I must therefore cut some of it off." I measured the story carefully with a pocket tape that lay in front of me, cut off three thousand words and handed them back to the author. "These words," I said, "you may keep. We make no claim on them at all. You are at liberty to make any use of them that you like."
"But please," he said, "you have cut off all the end of the story: the whole conclusion is gone. The readers can"t possibly tell,----"
I smiled at him with something approaching kindness.
"My dear sir," I said, "they _never_ get beyond three thousand words of the end of a magazine story. The end is of no consequence whatever. The beginning, I admit, may be, but the end! Come! Come! And in any case in our magazine we print the end of each story separately, distributed among the advertis.e.m.e.nts to break the type. But just at present we have plenty of these on hand. You see," I continued, for there was something in the man"s manner that almost touched me, "all that is needed is that the last words printed must have a look of finality. That"s all. Now, let me see," and I turned to the place where the story was cut, "what are the last words: here: "Dorothea sank into a chair. There we must leave her!" Excellent! What better end could you want? She sank into a chair and you leave her. Nothing more natural."
The contributor seemed about to protest. But I stopped him.
"There is one other small thing," I said. "Our coming number is to be a Plumbers" and Motor Number. I must ask you to introduce a certain amount of plumbing into your story." I rapidly turned over the pages. "I see,"
I said, "that your story as written is laid largely in Spain in the summer. I shall ask you to alter this to Switzerland and make it winter time to allow for the breaking of steam-pipes. Such things as these, however, are mere details; we can easily arrange them."
I reached out my hand.
"And now," I said, "I must wish you a good afternoon."
The contributor seemed to pluck up courage.
"What about remuneration"--he faltered.
I waived the question gravely aside. "You will, of course, be duly paid at our usual rate. You receive a cheque two years after publication. It will cover all your necessary expenses, including ink, paper, string, sealing-wax and other incidentals, in addition to which we hope to be able to make you a compensation for your time on a reasonable basis per hour. Good-bye."
He left, and I could hear them throwing him downstairs.
Then I sat down, while my mind was on it, and wrote the advance notice of the story. It ran like this:
NEXT MONTH"S NUMBER OF THE MEGALOMANIA MAGAZINE WILL CONTAIN A THRILLING STORY, ENt.i.tLED
"_DOROTHEA DASHAWAY, OR, THE QUICKSANDS OF SOCIETY._"
The author has lately leaped into immediate recognition as the greatest master of the short story in the American World. His style has a brio, a poise, a savoir faire, a je ne sais quoi, which stamps all his work with the cachet of literary superiority. The sum paid for the story of _Dorothea Dashaway_ is said to be the largest ever paid for a single MS.
Every page palpitates with interest, and at the conclusion of this remarkable narrative the reader lays down the page in utter bewilderment, to turn perhaps to the almost equally marvellous ill.u.s.tration of Messrs. Spiggott and Fawcett"s Home Plumbing Device Exposition which adorns the same number of the great review.
I wrote this out, rang the bell, and was just beginning to say to the secretary--
"My dear child,--pray pardon my forgetfulness. You must be famished for lunch. Will you permit me----"
And then I woke up--at the wrong minute, as one always does.
_HOMER AND HUMBUG_
_AN ACADEMIC DISCUSSION_
_Homer and Humbug, an Academic Discussion_
THE following discussion is of course only of interest to scholars. But, as the public schools returns show that in the United States there are now over a million coloured scholars alone, the appeal is wide enough.
I do not mind confessing that for a long time past I have been very sceptical about the cla.s.sics. I was myself trained as a cla.s.sical scholar. It seemed the only thing to do with me. I acquired such a singular facility in handling Latin and Greek that I could take a page of either of them, distinguish which it was by merely glancing at it, and, with the help of a dictionary and a pair of compa.s.ses, whip off a translation of it in less than three hours.
But I never got any pleasure from it. I lied about it. At first, perhaps, I lied through vanity. Any coloured scholar will understand the feeling. Later on I lied through habit; later still because, after all, the cla.s.sics were all that I had and so I valued them. I have seen thus a deceived dog value a pup with a broken leg, and a pauper child nurse a dead doll with the sawdust out of it. So I nursed my dead Homer and my broken Demosthenes though I knew in my heart that there was more sawdust in the stomach of one modern author than in the whole lot of them.
Observe, I am not saying which it is that has it full of it.
So, as I say, I began to lie about the cla.s.sics. I said to people who knew no Greek that there was a sublimity, a majesty about Homer which they could never hope to grasp. I said it was like the sound of the sea beating against the granite cliffs of the Ionian Esophagus: or words to that effect. As for the truth of it, I might as well have said that it was like the sound of a rum distillery running a night shift on half time. At any rate this is what I said about Homer, and when I spoke of Pindar,--the dainty grace of his strophes,--and Aristophanes, the delicious sallies of his wit, sally after sally, each sally explained in a note calling it a sally--I managed to suffuse my face with an animation which made it almost beautiful.
I admitted of course that Virgil in spite of his genius had a hardness and a cold glitter which resembled rather the brilliance of a cut diamond than the soft grace of a flower. Certainly I admitted this: the mere admission of it would knock the breath out of anyone who was arguing.
From such talks my friends went away sad. The conclusion was too cruel.
It had all the cold logic of a syllogism (like that almost brutal form of argument so much admired in the Paraphernalia of Socrates). For if:--
Virgil and Homer and Pindar had all this grace, and pith and these sallies,-- And if I read Virgil and Homer and Pindar, And if they only read Mrs. Wharton and Mrs. Humphrey Ward Then where were they?
So continued lying brought its own reward in the sense of superiority and I lied more.
When I reflect that I have openly expressed regret, as a personal matter, even in the presence of women, for the missing books of Tacitus, and the entire loss of the Abacadabra of Polyphemus of Syracuse, I can find no words in which to beg for pardon. In reality I was just as much worried over the loss of the ichthyosaurus. More, indeed: I"d like to have seen it: but if the books Tacitus lost were like those he didn"t, I wouldn"t.
I believe all scholars lie like this. An ancient friend of mine, a clergyman, tells me that in Hesiod he finds a peculiar grace that he doesn"t find elsewhere. He"s a liar. That"s all. Another man, in politics and in the legislature, tells me that every night before going to bed he reads over a page or two of Thucydides to keep his mind fresh.
Either he never goes to bed or he"s a liar. Doubly so: no one could read Greek at that frantic rate: and anyway his mind isn"t fresh. How could it be, he"s in the legislature. I don"t object to this man talking freely of the cla.s.sics, but he ought to keep it for the voters. My own opinion is that before he goes to bed he takes whiskey: why call it Thucydides?
I know there are solid arguments advanced in favour of the cla.s.sics. I often hear them from my colleagues. My friend the professor of Greek tells me that he truly believes the cla.s.sics have made him what he is.
This is a very grave statement, if well founded. Indeed I have heard the same argument from a great many Latin and Greek scholars. They all claim, with some heat, that Latin and Greek have practically made them what they are. This damaging charge against the cla.s.sics should not be too readily accepted. In my opinion some of these men would have been what they are, no matter what they were.
Be this as it may, I for my part bitterly regret the lies I have told about my appreciation of Latin and Greek literature. I am anxious to do what I can to set things right. I am therefore engaged on, indeed have nearly completed, a work which will enable all readers to judge the matter for themselves. What I have done is a translation of all the great cla.s.sics, not in the usual literal way but on a design that brings them into harmony with modern life. I will explain what I mean in a minute.
The translation is intended to be within reach of everybody. It is so designed that the entire set of volumes can go on a shelf twenty-seven feet long, or even longer. The first edition will be an _edition de luxe_ bound in vellum, or perhaps in buckskin, and sold at five hundred dollars. It will be limited to five hundred copies and, of course, sold only to the feeble minded. The next edition will be the Literary Edition, sold to artists, authors, actors and contractors. After that will come the Boarding House Edition, bound in board and paid for in the same way.
My plan is to so transpose the cla.s.sical writers as to give, not the literal translation word for word, but what is really the modern equivalent. Let me give an odd sample or two to show what I mean. Take the pa.s.sage in the First Book of Homer that describes Ajax the Greek dashing into the battle in front of Troy. Here is the way it runs (as nearly as I remember), in the usual word for word translation of the cla.s.sroom, as done by the very best professor, his spectacles glittering with the literary rapture of it.
"Then he too Ajax on the one hand leaped (or possibly jumped) into the fight wearing on the other hand, yes certainly a steel corselet (or possibly a bronze under tunic) and on his head of course, yes without doubt he had a helmet with a tossing plume taken from the mane (or perhaps extracted from the tail) of some horse which once fed along the banks of the Scamander (and it sees the herd and raises its head and paws the ground) and in his hand a shield worth a hundred oxen and on his knees too especially in particular greaves made by some cunning artificer (or perhaps blacksmith) and he blows the fire and it is hot. Thus Ajax leapt (or, better, was propelled from behind), into the fight."
Now that"s grand stuff. There is no doubt of it. There"s a wonderful movement and force to it. You can almost see it move, it goes so fast.
But the modern reader can"t get it. It won"t mean to him what it meant to the early Greek. The setting, the costume, the scene has all got to be changed in order to let the reader have a real equivalent to judge just how good the Greek verse is. In my translation I alter it just a little, not much but just enough to give the pa.s.sage a form that reproduces the proper literary value of the verses, without losing anything of the majesty. It describes, I may say, the Directors of the American Industrial Stocks rushing into the Balkan War Cloud.--
Then there came rushing to the shock of war Mr. McNicoll of the C. P. R.
He wore suspenders and about his throat High rose the collar of a sealskin coat.
He had on gaiters and he wore a tie, He had his trousers b.u.t.toned good and high; About his waist a woollen undervest Bought from a sad-eyed farmer of the West.
(And every time he clips a sheep he sees Some bloated plutocrat who ought to freeze), Thus in the Stock Exchange he burst to view, Leaped to the post, and shouted, "Ninety-two!"
There! That"s Homer, the real thing! Just as it sounded to the rude crowd of Greek peasants who sat in a ring and guffawed at the rhymes and watched the minstrel stamp it out into "feet" as he recited it!