Belonging by Shiloh Walker.
Chapter One.
"Life sucks sometimes." Corinne Lewis said, not bothering to turn her head as somebody sank down on the gra.s.s next to her. She already knew who it was. Only two people knew about her little spot down by the Ohio River and one of them was so d.a.m.n p.i.s.sed at her, it could be weeks, or months, before he talked to her again-she wished. She wouldn"t be that lucky.
Dry leaves crunched as Levi Marc.u.m sank down on the gra.s.s next to her and braced his back against the low stone wall. "Yeah. You sure as h.e.l.l called that one right." He blew out a breath and fell into silence.
Save for the occasional sound off in the distance, the quiet went unbroken for a good ten minutes.
From the corner of her eye, she glanced at Levi, thankful for the oversized sungla.s.ses that hid her eyes.
They made it easier for her to steal a look at him without his realizing it.
Something she did far too much, she knew. The wind kicked up. His hair, a striking mix of red and dark brown, tumbled into his eyes and whipped around his face. Although it was overcast, Levi was also wearing his sungla.s.ses and she couldn"t see his eyes.
That was a good thing, though. His eyes were the color of whiskey-golden-amber-and they promised a heat every bit as potent as whiskey too.
Although she"d known Levi nearly ten years, she"d always thought she was immune to the power of that gaze. Until the past few months. Sometimes she wished she"d just stayed immune to it, immune to him, because up until then, her life had been content.
Well, not entirely true. She"d been complacent. She"d been engaged to a great guy, she was smart, she was healthy and she had a job she loved. For the most part, she"d been content. Sure, there was a vague sense of restlessness. And yes, even with Owen, she sometimes found herself feeling empty and lonely.
Although he made her laugh, made her feel safe, made her feel loved, she"d felt lonely with him.
It was Levi who had changed things.
In just a few seconds, he"d made her acutely aware that being content just wasn"t enough.
She didn"t want to be content-she wanted to be happy. And that was the problem. Wanting more was the reason she was sitting on the riverbank in late February, freezing her skinny b.u.t.t off.
Where is this coming from? Cori, we love each other. We"re happy.
The memory of her ex-fiance"s voice was acid inside her, eating away at her, filling her with nausea, self- loathing, self-doubt.
We aren"t happy, Owen. We"re content, but that"s not happy.
We are. We"re happy. We"re in love. We"re... but his voice had trailed away and he"d reached up, cupping her face in his hands.
I"m so sorry, Owen. But I"m not in love with you.
Levi finally broke the silence and she jumped, his rough, low voice catching her off-guard. "Don"t suppose you feel like talking, do you?"
Tears stung her eyes and she blinked them away. Sighing, she tucked her hair behind her ear and focused her gaze once more on the gray waters of the Ohio. "There"s nothing to talk about, Levi."
"A sudden decision like this, yet you don"t think there"s anything to talk about?"
"It wasn"t a sudden decision." She grimaced and dropped her head back against the stone wall. Closing her eyes, she said, "I"ve known this was coming for a while, Levi. I tried pretending otherwise, tried to fool myself into thinking everything was okay, but it isn"t. It hasn"t been for a while."
Even before Christmas... Cori jerked her mind away from that. She couldn"t think about that right now.
Not with him here. Despite her attempts, though, her mind continued on down that merry path and blood rushed to her cheeks. Her heart skipped a beat and her breath caught on a shaky sigh. Averting her gaze, she mentally counted to ten.
It didn"t do a d.a.m.n bit of good.
Neither did twenty.
Somewhere around fifty, her heart rate leveled out, but then Levi touched her. An innocent touch, his hand covering one of hers, linking their fingers. That innocent, light touch had her skin burning and she knew she had to be careful or she would end up humiliating herself.
"Cori, you know I want you happy, right?"
Unwilling to look at him, she nodded. She felt him shift and from the corner of her eye, she saw him leaning over her, saw his hand come up to brush her hair back from her face. Squeezing her eyes closed, she concentrated on breathing, not moving. She had to be still, completely still, because if she moved, she had a bad feeling she was would end up leaning back against him and G.o.d only knew what else.
"Tell me what"s going on. Talk to me. If you can help me understand this, maybe I can explain it to Owen."
She couldn"t stop the laugh. Or the harsh sob that followed. Jerking her hand away from his, she turned her back on him and drew her knees to her chest. Explain? she thought, half-hysterical. Let"s see...I"ve been depressed for the past year and couldn"t figure out why until recently. I"m cold all the time. I don"t want Owen touching me.
I"ve been pretty convinced that I"m frigid or something. And then you f.u.c.king kiss me under the d.a.m.n mistletoe. Frigid- nope. Not the problem. Explain that to your cousin, okay, Levi?
Oh, yeah. That would be a big help.
She"d embarra.s.s the h.e.l.l out of herself because it had just been one stupid kiss and Owen had been standing right there and he"d laughed, told Levi to keep his d.a.m.n hands to himself. Levi had laughed right back and then he"d patted Cori on the head like a fricking dog. He probably didn"t even remember it, but for some reason, that simple kiss had flipped her entire world upside down.
But worse than the humiliation was the fact that it would hurt Owen. She might not be in love with him, but she did love him. He was her best friend and had been for years. Hurting him was the last thing she wanted. She"d done it anyway, though. She"d gone and hurt him. d.a.m.n it!
"Cori..." Levi stared at her downcast head and swore. Shifting around on the ground, he spread his legs and nestled up behind her. She tried to swallow the sobs, tried to jerk away from him, but he wrapped his arms around her waist and held her tight. "Go ahead and cry, sweetheart. Sounds like you need it."
She cried so hard her body trembled and he felt each sob like a knife in his chest. He"d known Corinne Lewis since the shy, awkward girl had moved in across the street from his cousin a good decade earlier and he"d never seen her cry.
I never see her laugh either.
h.e.l.l, for the past couple of years, he"d rarely even seen her smile. Granted, he hadn"t exactly spent a whole h.e.l.l of a lot of time around her, other than holidays and birthdays. He hadn"t seen her much at all for the past few years.
One painfully clear memory stood out in his mind, though. Christmas. Cori, wearing a golden dress that shimmered against her pale skin, standing in the doorway, looking lost and alone in a crowd of people. He"d gone up to her, wondering why she looked so down. She"d glanced up at him and then away without ever making eye contact.
Something that looked like longing had pa.s.sed through her eyes and he"d found himself following her gaze, watching her as she watched a couple across the room. She stood under a swag of mistletoe. He still didn"t know why he"d done it. He touched her shoulder and then reached out, brushing his fingertips across the mistletoe hanging just over her head. "Pretty girl...mistletoe. But there something"s missing," he teased.
Then he"d dipped his head. Her cheek-he"d just planned on brushing his lips against her cheek. But she"d turned her head.
Her lips had parted on a sigh and before he realized what the h.e.l.l he was doing, he had cupped a hand over the back of her head and taken that soft contact just a little bit deeper. Still innocent enough, but it had completely ruined him.
When he lifted his head, Owen-his cousin, his best friend, and Cori"s fiance-stood there laughing. "Hey, get your d.a.m.n hands off-she"s mine. Mistletoe or not, she"s mine, Levi."
Hands off-she"s mine.
Those words had danced through Levi"s mind on a regular basis because, since that one innocent taste, he"d been fantasizing about getting more. More...from a woman who was already taken.
Hands off-she"s mine.
But she wasn"t...not anymore. Levi cursed silently and buried his face in her hair. He"d always known he was a selfish b.a.s.t.a.r.d, but he was setting a new standard. Here she was, crying and miserable, and all he could think about was the fact that she didn"t belong to his cousin. Not anymore. She"d broken up with Owen. She"d returned his ring.
Levi could touch now. He could taste- Stop. Just stop. Forcing his mind down a safer path, he stroked a hand up and down her arm and didn"t let himself think about the slender, almost delicate body that was buried under layers of clothing.
She swallowed a sob, took a couple of shaky breaths and then tugged against his arms. "Let me go."
"No." He hugged her tightly against him, aching in a way that just didn"t make sense. He wasn"t uncomfortable around tears. h.e.l.l, in his job, he ran into more than his fair share. Cops rarely got to see people at their best and he knew how to handle a crying woman.
Except Cori wasn"t just any woman.
"You okay?" he asked, his voice hoa.r.s.e.
"No. I"m cold, my throat hurts and my b.u.t.t is numb from sitting on the ground," she snapped, her body stiffening in his arms.
"Okay." He shifted, but instead of letting her go, he hauled her into his lap. Not the smartest move. For the past two months, even thinking about Cori was enough to make his d.i.c.k hard. It was enough to make his brain slow down and something heavy and warm settle in his chest around his heart. She was playing major tricks with his head and having her this d.a.m.n close was just plain stupid. But he wasn"t leaving her alone right then.
He couldn"t. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he tucked her up against him. He dug into his pocket and found a tissue. He paused a moment to tug her sungla.s.ses off and then he wiped the tears from her face. "Any better?"
She glared at him. Her pale blue eyes flashed hot. "Can I have my sungla.s.ses?"
"No." He tucked her sungla.s.ses into his coat pocket and pushed his own onto his head so he could see her clearly. She was pale. Cori was always pale-she didn"t spend much time in the sun and when she did, she burned. But she was paler than normal and there were dark circles under her eyes. "You haven"t been sleeping much."
"No. I haven"t. Can I have my sungla.s.ses?"
Levi stroked his thumb over the delicate skin under her eye. "How long have you been this unhappy, Cori? Did you ever tell Owen?"
She opened her mouth and then shut it again. Her eyes closed and she sagged against him, resting her head on his shoulder. Her voice was quiet and sad as she said, "Owen only sees what he wants to see, only hears what he wants to hear. I"ve tried to tell him a couple times over the past month or so, but he would never listen."
"But how long?" Had that sadness been in her eyes for a while? Had n.o.body seen it?
"I don"t know." She sighed, a soft, shaky sound that dug claws into Levi"s heart. "A while. A long time, I guess."
She looked down and Levi did the same, watched as she lifted her left hand, staring at her naked ring finger. "I"m not in love with him, Levi. I never should have accepted that ring from him. I knew it wasn"t right then."
"That was almost two years ago," Levi murmured. He closed his hand around hers and rubbed his thumb over the slightly paler strip of skin where a diamond ring had been. "Why so long, Cori?"
She stiffened and pressed against him. "Because I didn"t want to hurt him."
"Be still," he said, gritting his teeth as her hip rubbed against his aching d.i.c.k. She went still, her breath catching in her throat. Levi felt blood rush to his cheeks as she darted a glance at him and then just as quickly looked away. "You didn"t want to hurt him." Yeah. He could believe that. "So you just kept quiet and made yourself miserable for the past two years? Why, Cori? Why were you okay with being miserable a few weeks ago, a few months ago, last year, but now you don"t want to be miserable?"
In the back of his mind, he could still hear Owen"s dejected voice. There"s somebody else, Levi. I know it. She wouldn"t just dump me for no reason. His cousin had been d.a.m.n insistent but Levi didn"t know what to think.
"It"s not that just now I don"t want to be miserable," she said, still sitting stiff and rigid. She looked away from him, staring out over the river.
He wished she"d look at him. Wished he could see those sad blue eyes. "Then what is it?"
"I"m used to being miserable," Cori said. Her voice was heartbreakingly sad. "Or at least I"m used to not being happy. Being content or just settling for what I have. I"ve done it all my life. And I do want to be happy...I want more than just being content. It wasn"t even that, though. I finally realized that I can"t keep lying to him. I can"t keep lying to myself. I can"t keep pretending there"s something there, when in my heart I know there isn"t. I didn"t want to hurt him, Levi. I hate that I did hurt him. But I had to do it. He started talking about wedding invitations. Setting a date. And I knew if I didn"t do something now, say something now, then in a few more months, I"d be getting married to a man I"m not in love with. G.o.d, I"m so sorry."
"Shhh..." he pressed his lips to her brow and pulled her back against him, ignoring the tension in her body, ignoring the need in his own. Covering her cheek with his palm, he whispered, "Shhh. Don"t. Don"t, Cori. If you"re that certain it"s not right, then going through with it would just make things worse in the end."
She sagged against him, curled into his body. One hand came up and pressed against his chest, just inside his coat. Her fingers knotted in the thermal weave of his shirt. "He loves me. Why can"t I love him the same way he loves me?"
"I don"t think that"s the way it works, sweetheart. Just because somebody loves you doesn"t mean you"re going to love him back." Hypocrite, he thought to himself even as he covered her hand with his. He was a f.u.c.king hypocrite because, though he hated seeing his cousin miserable, he was d.a.m.n glad there wasn"t going to be a wedding. d.a.m.n glad he wasn"t going to have to stand up next to Owen and watch as his cousin married the woman he wanted for himself.
"This sucks." She turned her face into his chest and sighed. "Really, really sucks."
She started to say something else, but the wind kicked up again and she shivered in his arms. Levi eased her off his lap and went to his knees. "Come on. You"re freezing."
She came to her feet reluctantly, staring off to the east. There was a trail a couple hundred feet away, one that followed the river. They were at a small park, rarely visited, especially this time of year. Cori spent a decent amount of time here, he knew, regardless of how cold it was, just because she didn"t much like going home. "You can go," she said softly. Levi shoved a hand through his hair. "Yeah. I can go. So can you. Come on. We"ll go get a sandwich or something. You don"t have to go home."
"I"m not hungry."
"Then we"ll get some coffee or we can just go to my place for a while. Owen"s already at the hospital and he"s stuck there on rotation for the next two days, so you don"t need to worry about seeing him. You can take a nap, get your head on straight, whatever, but I"m not leaving you down here to freeze."
She was cold. But going with Levi was a bad, bad idea. Bad idea. An even worse idea than going home.
Her mother had been confined to a bed for the past two years because of a stroke, though it was the older woman"s own wish that kept her there, nothing else. Just like Cori"s own guilt kept her living with her mother, though she could get her own place, though she"d be happier outside of that cold, loveless home.
She didn"t want to go home and face her mother. Caroline Lewis would know. Even without seeing the missing ring, she"d know. She always knew when Cori did something to disappoint her, such as dropping out of medical school in favor of teaching. Or refusing a scholarship to Yale, or turning down offers that would have made a lot of people weep with joy.
You"re not going to do any better than Owen, Corinne. For pity"s sake, call the boy back up. Tell him you were just having a bout of jitters. Marry him. He"ll take care of you...
She already knew how it would go and abruptly, she realized she wasn"t ready to face it. Bad enough she"d almost let Owen talk her back into a marriage she didn"t want. She wasn"t up to dealing with the same argument coming from her mother.
She was cold. She was tired. She didn"t care where she went but she didn"t want to stay on the riverfront and she couldn"t go back home. Not yet. Not right now. So, though it was stupid, though it was a mistake of the worst kind, she let Levi walk her to his car, let him help her into the pa.s.senger seat and when he asked where to, she told him, "I don"t care."
And right then...she didn"t. She wasn"t with somebody who would push her into doing something she didn"t want to do, guilt her into anything or make choices for her. Even if she had spent too much time thinking about him lately, Levi was safe. Safer than anybody else in her life at that moment.
She had fallen asleep on his couch. Levi waited until he knew she wasn"t going to wake up before he slipped her shoes off and covered her with a blanket. When the phone at his belt went off, vibrating like mad, he slipped out of the small living room and shut himself in his bedroom before answering.
"Did you find her?"
Levi pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yeah. I found her."
"So? Did you talk to her? Tell her she"s making a mistake?"
"Owen, I talked to her...but..." h.e.l.l. How could he do this?
I don"t love him, Levi.
Setting his jaw, he made himself say it. This had nothing to do with him. Although his d.i.c.k got hard every d.a.m.n time he thought about her, it wasn"t about him. It was about Cori and Owen...and she didn"t want to get married. "Owen, I"m sorry, man. But she isn"t in love with you. If she doesn"t love you the right way, then going through with a wedding would be a mistake. Calling it off was the right thing for her to do."
"What?" Owen demanded. But he didn"t give Levi a chance to respond. "She does love me. She"s just confused...or nervous. Cold feet, that"s what her mother said."