Savannah tucks her purse under her arm and pulls me in for a quick hug, "Night bestie, I"ll see you in the morning."
"Goodnight, S. Hope things are better for you in the morning. It"ll all blow over I just know it."
As soon as Savannah leaves the casino area and heads over to the elevators to go back up to Kayden"s suite, I bee-line it straight for the Pink Taco. I need a shot and some carbs to get me through this talk with Jax.
Jax rests his hand at the small of my back as he leads me in the direction of the bar. With every step we take I feel the all too familiar nervous knot forming in my stomach. It"s there every single time I think about talking to Jax. He is so d.a.m.n sweet, the last thing I want to do is hurt him. With everything I"ve been through with Dixon and then Zak, he"s been my rock through it all without me ever having to ask him.
"I"m going to use the restroom. Be right back." He whispers into my ear before pressing a soft kiss to my cheek. I feel a mixture of light flutters and sharp bee stings in the pit of my stomach.
"Okay." Is all I say before bringing my attention back to the bartender who"s busy mixing a row of drinks.
I hate that I feel all these mixed feelings stirring inside of me. It"s like I have a tornado in my head. It"s pulling in every emotion that I"m feeling and shaking them up, tearing them apart and scattering them around my head. I find myself scurrying around frantically trying to collect the broken pieces and put them back together. But they"re alike but different at the same exact time that I can"t figure out how to fix any of them. So I find myself frustrated and confused as I try to decide where I go from here.
It"s why I panicked and chose Jax. Dixon messed with my emotions to the point that I threw myself at Jax just so I could try to forget him. But the entire time I"ve been with Jax I always feel like there"s a piece missing between us. That one piece needed to make me really, truly, feel something for him.
Sure, there"s attraction between us that is something I know to be certain. But after that there really is anything else. When I"m with Jax I don"t get the b.u.t.terflies and the all-consuming sense of needed to be around him like I do with Dixon. With Jax he"s like this really good friend that I enjoy being around but that is it.
There"s no earth shattering, heart rocketing out into the universe, and body tingle from head to toe sensation consuming me when I"m with Jax-but that is everything I experience and then some when I"m with Dixon.
But I"m terrified of where things will go with Dixon. I"m one of the biggest risk takers you"ll ever meet but even I"m terrified to take that plunge and hand my heart over to Dixon. Because who"s to say he won"t smash the poor thing into a million tiny pieces? He"s already bruised and battered it enough over the last few months that I"m not sure how much more I can.
A small part of me thinks I should stick to the safe choice and choose Jax. At least I know he values my heart and cares about me to the point that he"d rather die the most painful death, rather than cause me any sort of pain. With Dixon, he"s a loose cannon. Sure, he swears now that he"s ready to change and give us a chance to see where things can go but who"s to say that he won"t have a change and decide being with one girl isn"t for him?
That"s why I"m feeling so much doubt about doing this with Jax right now. What if I choose Dixon, break Jax"s heart and then in turn get my heart broken? I will have let go of the one guy who could love me and do everything in his power to make me happy. After breaking his heart and leaving him for Dixon, I doubt he"d be there waiting for me after the dust settles.
I rub at my temples and let out a deep sigh. All of this thinking is making my f.u.c.king head hurt. Now I remember why I stuck to casual dating. This is all too much to deal with. If I don"t get my s.h.i.t together it"s going to make my head literally explode. I fly back to Los Angeles in a few days to shoot the next week"s script. I need to be on top of my game. If I"m stressing over guy stuff, there"s no way I"ll be able to give it my best. I need to prove to them that I am serious about my career. Especially with the chance for my character to get an extended contract.
At this point I"m about ready to say f.u.c.k them all and head back to Los Angeles right now. Go back to my meaningless hookups and forget all about Jax and Dixon.
"What can I get ya?" The bartender asks as he leans on his forearms in front of me. Hearing his voice pulls me out of my internal battle and back to the reality I can"t escape no matter how badly I want to.
Leaning back on the barstool, I smile across the bar at the tall, dark and extremely s.e.xy bartender, "I"ll have a Jack and c.o.ke, light ice please."
Giving me a wink, he gets to work mixing my drink.
My phone going off in my purse, causing it to vibrate across the bar startles me. I jump slightly when I hear Dixon"s ringtone going off again. Pulling my phone out I swipe my finger across the screen opening the new text message.
I swear this guy must have a G.o.dd.a.m.n microchip inside of my head alerting him of whenever I"m thinking about him. Because he always seems to text me or call me whenever I find myself lost in thought over him.
What r u up to right now?
Looking around the bar, I spot Jax making his way back over to the bar, so quickly text back a response.
Actually at Pink Taco with Jax...
Immediately he messages me back. I bite my lip as I try to hold back the smile threatening to crack across my face.
I"m actually craving a pink taco...and its wrapped up nicely beneath that tight little dress of urs waiting for me to devour it. So hurry with Jax, then meet me in my room at Knox"s suite.
Laughing to myself I shake my head and text him back before slipping my phone back into my purse.
LOL. Believe me, it is more than ready to be devoured. I"ll text you when I"m on my way up. I don"t know which room"s yours.
Xoxo The bartender slides my drink in front of me and asks, "Room number?"
As soon as I give him Knox"s room number he narrows his eyes at me giving me a look that say"s I"ll believe it when I see it.
I fish my room key out of my purse and slide it across the bar to him and can"t help but laugh as his mood toward me turns from friendly to flirtatious.
"Anything else I can get for you?" He asks leaning in a little closer.
Jax"s hand slides along the top of my back before coming to rest on my shoulder, as he slips back onto the barstool beside me. He flashes the bartender a cheeky grin, "As a matter of fact there is, mate. I"d like a Corona with a slice of lime, and the biggest plate of cheese fries ya got." Jax tells him as he removes his hand from my shoulder and holds them up in the air emphasizing the biggest plate of cheese fries they have.
"I"ll get right on it for you. If y"all need anything else just let me know."
I wait for Jax to get his beer and his fries before finally diving head first into the conversation I"ve been dreading since the night with Dixon in Hawaii. Tip toeing around the conversation won"t help anything. I have to treat this topic like I would a band aid-grab it and tear it off with one quick pull.
Chapter 5.
-Brooklyn I stare off distractedly across the bar at a group of friends excessively chatting with one another rather loudly about some dramatic events that unfolded while out on the strip tonight.
That"s the thing about Las Vegas I learned while on my first trip here. Avoid the strip late at night because that"s when all the crazies come out. Hookers, thieves, and druggies galore fill the sidewalks just waiting to be ha.s.sled by the police.
Mr. Bartender reappears with our plate of fries and slides it across the bar in front of us. "Enjoy. If you need anything else just give me a holler," he tells us all the while winking at me. Men can be such pigs. Hot or not-have some cla.s.s. Who blatantly flirts with a girl who looks to be sitting at a bar with her boyfriend?
It"s disgusting. I may be a flirt, but I at least have morals.
Guys wonder why they"re single. Almost all men have zero game, and their number one problem is they always seem to get off on chasing women who are in committed relationships. There"s like five hundred billion people in this world, yet it seems men can"t find a single girl willing to let them rock their worlds?
It completely baffles me.
I"m getting off the point here. Story of my life: always focusing on everything but the one thing I am supposed to be focusing on.
Tonight, the focus needs to be on Jax and finally talking to him about Dixon. I can"t avoid this conversation forever.
Even though I"d really like to just run away and hide in my blanket fort while avoiding the whole f.u.c.king world at this point. Life is too much of a G.o.dd.a.m.n drama fest now-a-day. The last thing I want to do is bring more drama into my life. Which is what I"m about to do.
I can only hope that Jax doesn"t get too hurt by my admission tonight and doesn"t hold anything against Dixon. I can"t control how I feel about both of them no matter how much I wish I could. Because let"s be honest, Dixon is the biggest pain in the a.s.s and I only see a future of me trying not to murder him on a daily basis. When they say there"s a fine line between love and hate-believe me they sure as h.e.l.l weren"t joking. I"ve never loved a man and hated him all at the same time ever in my life until I met Dixon.
Picking up a fry drenched in cheese, Jax flashes me a playful grin before shoving it into his mouth. "You look like you have a lot on your mind tonight. Want to talk about it?" he asks before washing down his fry with a sip of his beer.
Ugh. Not really. But if I don"t, I think Dixon will take it upon himself to. All caveman style by beating on his chest and dragging me by the hair to his room where he"ll c.u.m all over my body marking me as his.
I internally giggle at the thought of overly possessive Dixon.
G.o.d, he has no idea how stressed out I am at this very moment.
I tap my fingers on the bar to the music and glance nervously up at him before setting my eyes back onto the group at the end of the bar. I"m trying to focus on anything but him as I find the words I need to say.
I"ve never had to tell a guy face to face that I don"t want to see him any longer. It"s new and slightly terrifying. I don"t know how people do this, every single day. Some more often than they change their d.a.m.n panties. Which is pretty d.a.m.n alarming if you ask me?
Swallowing hard, I decide to say it and get it over with.
"Yes, I, umm..." I bite nervously at the skin on the inside of my lips as I try to work up the strength to break this poor, sweet guy"s heart. "Actually have to talk to you about something."
"Me? What about?"
I inhale a nervous breath and force myself to look at him even though my eyes are trying to stay focused on the scattered peanut sh.e.l.ls on the bar. "About us. I really like you, Jax. You"re such an amazing guy. You"re way nicer than a girl like me deserves."
He swallows hard, and I watch as his Adams apple bobs up and down his neck. His grip on his beer tightens as he opens his mouth to speak. "I knew this was coming..." His words taper off as he cuts his eyes away from me and up at the sports station playing on a flat screen hanging up on the wall. He takes a pull from his beer then sets it down, keeping his eyes focused on the bottle as his thumb lazily rubs at beads of water as they slide down the bottle. "This is because of Dixon isn"t it?" he says more as a stated fact rather than a question.
My words come out shaky as I try to keep my emotions intact. "Yes-I thought we were done for good. Especially after the stunt he pulled in the Bahama"s...it"s just that I think I"m in love with him, Jax. I tried to move on with you for selfish reasons. I saw you as the safe choice. I know you"re far too nice of a guy to ever play with my emotions the way that he does. But it isn"t fair to you being with someone who"s in love with another man."
Jax"s eyes widen as I confess out loud for the first time ever that I am in love with Dixon.
"Wow that escalated rather quickly. Love? I feel like an idiot." Raw hurt glimmers in his eyes. "You say I deserve to be with someone better? What about you, Brooklyn? Dixon"s my mate...but I won"t sit back and pretend to think that he"s a good guy when it comes to women. This is the same guy who slept with two girls at the same f.u.c.kin" time and then rubbed it in your face. This is someone you can honestly say you"re in love with?" His words cut into me deep as they come out almost emotionless and cold. Clamping his jaw shut, he stares down at me waiting for my answer.
I should"ve have expected less. I lead him on and made him think that I was all in on this relationship. In a way I was. I really wanted to give things with Jax a chance, but I can"t control how I feel. It"s not like I set out to have my life play out this way. I"d much rather go back to my carefree life instead of this merry-go-round of emotionally draining day to day life I"m now living.
I"d be lying if I said I haven"t said everything he"s saying right now to myself many times since Hawaii. I want to believe Dixon is serious about changing. He"s really been trying since we got back from Hawaii. I haven"t heard or seen him with anyone else. He"s constantly texting me and making me feel special and missed by him while I"ve been back in L.A. I have to see where we go from here. If not, I"ll spend the rest of my life wondering what if" while settling for a safe and comfortable life with another man. Jax deserves to be with someone who looks at him like Savannah looks at Kayden. He"s too good of a man to be with a girl who sees him as her second choice.
Reaching out for Jax, I rest my hand on his forearm. His eyes cold and distant watch my hand on his arm for a moment before finally softening as anger turns to sadness.
"I know I look stupid for even contemplating giving Dixon a chance, but you don"t see how he is when it"s just him and I. He"s different. I truly believe he only did the things he did because he was scared. This is Dixon we"re talking about. The biggest gamophobic man on the planet! I believe he loves me too; we just need time to see how things with us play out." I give his arm a gentle squeeze as I try to be honest with Jax. It"s the least that he deserves. "Please don"t be mad at Dixon. If you need to be mad at anyone-be mad at me. I"m the one who foolishly started seeing both of you. I never in a million years thought things between us would ever turn into anything serious. I was naive and now I"m paying for it. But I really do care about you and appreciate your friendship. I don"t want to lose that."
The worry lines between his brows and along his forehead slowly disappear as a softer expression takes over his face. Dropping his head toward the bar, he lets out a low groan and rubs his free hand over across his forehead. "I could never be mad at you, Brooklyn. Frustrated, yes, but angry? I can"t be angry at you for being honest with me. Sure, I"m hurt. But what can ya do? I knew what I was getting into when I started pursuing you. If I said I was shocked that you fell for Dixon, I"d be lying. I see the way you look at him. I was hoping that maybe over time you"d look at me like that. I wish you nothing but the best, honestly." Shifting on the stool, he turns to face me, and cups my face in his hand. "I hope he appreciates what he has because you are truly extraordinary."
The pad of his thumb rubs at my cheek affectionately as he silently tells me goodbye without having to speak a word.
I bring my hand up to cover his and lean in to press a kiss to his lips. I feel his fingers slipping away from my face as I pull away from him. "I hope so, too." Sliding off of the bar stool, I grab my clutch and walk away from Jax and toward the exit of the bar. I feel a weight lifting off of my shoulder"s as I walk to the elevator and pull my phone out to text Dixon.
That was one of the hardest things I"ve ever had to do, but I feel in my heart that I"ve made the right decision.
I think deep down, Jax knows that we were never right for each other. I never felt that palpable spark between us like I do whenever I"m even remotely near Dixon. With Jax it"s always felt to me more like a friendship with s.e.xual chemistry mixed in somewhere in the middle blurring the lines slightly between us. I believe in my heart that Jax feels the same way. Hopefully this won"t hurt our relationship or his with Dixon, because hurting Jax was the last thing Dixon wanted. I think he even tried to keep his distance from me because he knew Jax was falling for me.
But that"s the funny thing about love. You can"t control it no matter how hard you try. You sure as h.e.l.l can"t turn those feelings off, and trying to ignore them is like suddenly deciding you don"t need air to survive.
It"s simply impossible.
It"s the same with love.
You can try to lie to yourself and say you don"t need it in your life to be happy, but then the more you"re around that person but not physically with them, the pain slowly grows like it does with every pa.s.sing second that you refuse your body that tiny, simple, breath it needs to survive. Sooner rather than later though, you"re going to be consumed with the overwhelming need to inhale a big, deep, breath. Only then will the piercing pain that is tearing throughout your chest, as your lungs silently scream for you to finally fill them with oxygen stop.
It"s the same with your heart.
The longer you deprive it of being connected with its other half, the more intense and paralyzing the pain becomes. You can try to ignore it and go on with your life, but every moment you spend away from them, the more intense and paralyzing the pain becomes. Every time you are around that person while denying your heart the chance to connect with the other half of it, the deeper the pain becomes. Only once you finally give in and take that deep metaphorical breath, allowing yourself to love and be loved back will the pain finally stop.
That is how it has felt for me being around Dixon, but I tried to deny the feelings I had for him as I tried to channel them into Jax instead. I believe it is the same for him. We never meant to hurt anyone along the way.
If only I could turn back time...
I would go back and do a lot of things differently, but the reality of it is I can"t.
Channeling my inner Cher for a moment...and getting a little philosophical.
The only thing I can do is try to fix the wrongs I"ve done and work as hard as I can at making the right choices going forward.
I hit send on my text to Dixon and step into the elevator.
I talked with Jax. It was harder than I thought it would be but on the bright side, it actually went better than I expected it would. I"m on my way up to the suite now. R u already there?
It"s filled with people as I try to find a spot to stand. "What floor you going to?" an older gentleman asks hovering his finger over the number panel.
"Top floor, actually." Digging my card out of my clutch, I slide it into the slot and he kindly presses the penthouse level for me. "Is it as nice in person as it is online?" a girl behind me asks shyly.
A wide smile cracks across my face. "It sure is. I"ve been inside a few suites in my lifetime, but I have to say this one sure does take the cake. Only the best for Knox guests." I boast honestly. It"s one thing I have to admit about Kayden"s father, even though I can tell by the way Kayden is around him that he isn"t too fond of the man. He knows how to build luxury hotels but keep them affordable. Every one we"ve stayed at so far have only the best employees and accommodations.
But I think a lot of it has to do with Kayden now running the show. He"s worked hard with Dixon and his construction company to design their new hotels and when doing renovations.
Their hard work shows. It"s one of the many things I love about Dixon. He is a visionary. When he starts talking about design and the things he"s built and dreams about building, I easily get swept away. It"s his pa.s.sion. I love that we both share that never ending drive to achieve all of our dreams and smash all of our goals.
I feel like he"ll constantly push me as I will him to keep aiming bigger with every dream or new idea our minds come up with.
My phone goes off and all eyes shoot straight to my hand. A little girl lying on her daddy"s shoulder half asleep perks up slightly as her tiny little b.u.m begins wiggling to the beat of the music as Clarity fills the small elevator.
I bite back a smile and stiffen a giggle as I swipe my thumb across the screen and read the text from Dixon.
I"m glad it went okay. I"ve been so f.u.c.king nervous. I had to stop myself more than a few times from coming down there. I tried to gamble a bit with Braxton, but I couldn"t focus. All I could think about was you and how you were doing. At least it is finally over with... now I"m free to grope you whenever the h.e.l.l I want ;) I glance around as I lean further against the wall shielding my phone from prying eyes and reply back: You are such a perve...but I love it...so grope on, playa.
I roll my eyes at his response, but also feel a nervous excitement building in my belly.
Ohh I plan too. The second ur fine a.s.s steps through the door.
I cannot wait to tackle him myself the second I walk through the door.
Chapter 6.