"I THOUGHT WE DISCUSSED THIS already. You being off on your own, flirting with danger and me not there to protect you. What happened over there? Or do I not want to know? No, go ahead, tell me. No, wait. Don"t tell me. Or tell me. No, I don"t want to know. Yes I do. Maybe ... crudbuckets, I don"t know. You decide."
I smiled. "I"m going to bed. If you want to know my dirty little secrets you can come with me."
"I"ll be out here on your couch," said Aidan. "I"ve already checked your room. It"s clear."
"Thanks, dude. I"ll see you in the morning, hopefully not too early." I punched him lightly on the arm as I left the room, shuffling across the floor because I was too d.a.m.n tired to lift my feet.
Tim followed me in, and I shut the door after he was through. "You have ten minutes max before I"m dead to the world. Start your twenty questions now."
"I don"t have twenty. I just have one. What is going on with you and Prince Not-So-Charming?" He stood on my dresser waiting for my answer.
I pulled off my tunic and shimmied out of my jeans, throwing my sleeping top over my head and jumping into bed before answering. "Nothing, really. I"m just trying to get some information from him, and the only way to do it is to play along with his bulls.h.i.t."
Tim came and laid down on my other pillow, lacing his hands behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. "Good plan. Super spy. I like it. Did you snog?"
"I don"t even know what that means."
"Snog. You know. Get all touchy-feely. Kiss. Etcetera."
"Like I"d tell you that. But don"t worry, I don"t feel that way about him. I"m just trying to get information to decide if he"s a good guy or a bad guy."
Tim sighed. "How many times do you have to see it before you finally figure it out, my dear Jayne."
"What"s that?" I asked, yawning loudly.
"That there is no bad or good. Just shades of both, tangled up in personal history, dreams, goals, perceptions, and that little annoying feature we like to call Fate."
The word Fate niggled at my brain, but I was too far beyond tired to think about it too much. The droning of Tim"s lecture quickly put me to sleep, and the last thing I remembered hearing before I fell into unconsciousness was, " ... and you"d better not forget that, either."
I woke up feeling completely unrefreshed, blinking my eyes a few times to get them to function properly. Nothing seemed to be working. Blackness.
Oh s.h.i.t. I"m stuck again. I was standing once again in the dark dreamworld inside my head, only this time I wasn"t quite as disoriented or scared - just annoyed.
"Lights on, uh ... whoever"s in charge," I said. The s.p.a.ce in my head where I was hanging out was suddenly illuminated by a hidden source of light, making it possible for me to see now that I wasn"t alone; Beau was standing in front of me. My annoyance changed immediately to pleasure.
I was smiling, probably like a loon. Not bad. Not bad at all, dream world. Nicely done. "h.e.l.lo Beau," I said, trying really hard not to admire him too openly. I felt a little bit like a fangirl, and that was just weird. He could be Chase"s roommate or something. I wouldn"t want my guardian angel to think I just fell for any guy with wings.
"h.e.l.lo, Jayne. Where are we?" He looked around, stoic as always.
Watching him, I realized that the complete lack of fear or even curiosity in his expression made him appear invincible. He reminded me of Chase. I felt even better about having him in my dreamworld now. If Torrie or Leck showed up, I knew Beau would have my back.
"You"re in my dream. I guess I compelled you in here. Sorry about that." I could feel a bead of sweat building up on my lip, so I quickly wiped it away. Getting all sweaty on him wouldn"t be impressive at all. I schooled my features to look as cool as possible, even though inside I felt like a b.u.mbling idiot who"d never seen a cute guy before. What is it about this particular guy that makes me feel so amateur?
"Do you need me?"
I couldn"t stop the laugh that burst out of my mouth. Do I need him? In what way? Am I allowed to say for short snogging sessions? The smile refused to leave my face as I said, "I"m not sure." For a moment I wondered what it would be like, to kiss someone like him while his wings wrapped around us; but then I thought of Chase and Spike and Ben and all the other guys in my life, deciding in pretty short order that I already had enough potential snoggers and issues with knowing what to do with guys. I probably didn"t need to add to it by putting Beau on my list. And something told me this guy would be no minor addition.
"I think you must need something from me, or you would not have asked me to come here."
"How"s Chase?" I asked, wanting to change the subject and get my mind off Beau"s naked chest. "Do you ever see him?"
"I do. Chase is well." The way he said it made me wish I hadn"t asked - so cold and impersonal. As if I"d asked after his mother. But I couldn"t help delving deeper into the answer, glutton for punishment that I was.
"Well, as in he"s super happy, or well as in he, uhhh, misses me maybe?"
"Angels do not miss their wards ..." Beau finally got an expression on his face. A frown. Then he continued. "... Generally speaking."
Great. Beau"s as confusing as Ben is. Why am I not surprised? "Why do you say that? About the generally speaking thing?"
He shrugged. "There are exceptions to every rule, apparently."
I smiled. "Chase and I have a special connection."
Beau"s face went blank again. "I am not speaking of Chase."
My stomach tightened and my face flamed red, perhaps from embarra.s.sment or maybe even from just general confusion. I was too lost to even know myself. "Who are you talking about, then?"
He didn"t answer. He just stared at me.
I was just beginning to form my next question when someone stepped into the light. Ben. I rolled my eyes. Just when things were getting interesting, Mister No-Fun has to come and ruin it all.
I quickly changed my frustration into welcome before he could notice my displeasure. I couldn"t very well work my I"m-Your-Girlfriend plan if I was going to screw the whole deal up in my sleep.
"I guess we"re doing the dream thing again, huh?" he asked, stopping in front of me, not even looking at Beau.
"Yeah, I guess. Sorry about that."
"You have more to say to me?"
I looked nervously over at Beau, not sure that I wanted him seeing me do my super-spy thing on Ben. He might get the wrong impression. Why that mattered, I didn"t know; but I didn"t have time to question my motives. I had a tap dance to do.
"Yeah, I guess. But nothing that can"t wait. How about I just see you in the morning?"
"Fine with me. Go ahead and send me back."
"What do you think, Beau?" I asked.
Ben frowned at me. "Did you just call me Beau?" He got an angry look in his eyes. "It"s Ben. Or are you doing that thing with the faces again?" He held up his hand, staring at the back of it and then at his arm, probably wondering if he looked like himself in my dreams or like the angel who"d come to help us battle the demons outside our doors.
Beau was just behind Ben, but because he was taller, I could see his face. He was slowly moving his head from side-to-side, as if to tell me no. It struck me as strange that Ben would allow this guy to stand behind his back like that, while he never even looked at him once. Is it possible he can"t see Beau?
"Oh, sorry. I might have said Beau by accident. I"m super tired. Blame it on my only half-functioning brain."
"Why are you thinking about Beau?" he asked, not sounding very happy about the idea.
"Are you jealous?" I said, kidding around with him. He never struck me as that type; I figured he was probably too busy thinking about how awesome he was to ever consider that someone might not be totally absorbed by him.
"We are bound."
That answer just p.i.s.sed me off, making me forget my whole plan to be as sweet as I could. I crossed my arms over my chest. "So what? Bound can mean different things, depending on the situation."
"Says who?" He was getting cranky now, too; I could tell by the tone of his voice. But I didn"t care. I guess if we were going to have it out over this, it might as well be while a big angel was standing next to us. It made me bolder, and I also wanted Chase to know how I felt, even if it was just coming from second-hand gossip. Maybe if he knew that I wasn"t totally okay with the after-effects of his little ceremony, he would step in and do something about it.
"Says the girl who got bound to a guy she doesn"t much care for a lot of the time." The words were out before I had a chance to reconsider them. I guess my plan to get along is being replaced with a new one. s.h.i.t. I"m going to need Tim"s help to fix this. I didn"t relish the idea of having to confess my latest screw up to my roommate. And even if he was a super-spy, the chances that he knew how to get inside Ben"s head psychologically and make him forget that I just rejected again were slim. Tim might be good, but he was no miracle-worker.
"I thought we"d turned a corner with that," Ben said. "I guess I was wrong."
"No, not necessarily. I just ... find you kind of arrogant a lot of the time. It makes it hard to like you on a consistent basis. I"m sorry if that hurts your feelings, but I"m trying to be honest. Honesty is the basis of a good relationship, right?"
"Sure. Honesty is usually the best policy. And since we"ve decided to share, I"ll just let you know that I find you impulsive and immature a lot of the time. But I"ve managed to work around it, which is the big difference between you and me."
My nostrils flared with the effort of keeping my thoughts to myself. "How big of you." I may have imagined it, but I could have sworn Beau"s mouth twitched.
"We have to make the most of what we"ve been given," he said, sounding like he was lecturing a child.
"I agree. But does that mean we have to be married? I don"t think so. Maybe we could do something else with our bond."
"What are you proposing?"
"I"m not even sure." I shrugged. "Maybe a partnership of some sort? Like business partners? Or just tight friends? I think we can do whatever we want. We"re the Mother and the Father, right?" My fall-back plan was to lean on his arrogance over his t.i.tle. That seemed to work in most situations.
Ben considered what I"d said, not responding at first.
I continued. "I mean, why are we letting other fae tell us who we have to be and who we have to love for s.h.i.t"s sake. Can"t we just go love who we want?"
He opened his mouth, but then closed it. He tried again a few seconds later. "I hadn"t considered a binding to be anything less than fully together as a romantic-type couple. But I can see how it might actually make more sense for it to be an arrangement like you"ve described."
Beau lifted an eyebrow, ever so slightly.
I saw my opportunity and jumped on it. "Yeah, I mean ... why not? We"re the Mother and the Father. Aren"t we the ones in charge of the stuff that happens here? Let"s do what works for us and for the fae at the same time. I can"t believe they"d expect us to be like a husband and wife when we don"t even really like each other."
Ben"s face got stormy again.
I rushed to fix my blunder. "You know what I mean. We like each other, we just don"t like-like each other. Like how you feel about someone you want to be with forever ... Samantha for example."
He shook his head. "What is it with you and Samantha? Why do you think I want her that way?"
"I don"t know. I guess you guys make a cute couple. And I"m pretty sure she likes you that way."
"She does?" He looked genuinely confused by that.
"You don"t notice the way she"s always trying to be around you? Talk to you? Come on, Ben ... you can"t possibly be that blind."
"Lots of people want to be around me and talk to me."
"Really? Like who?" I said it without really thinking, trying to picture anyone actually smiling when he was around or going up to him just to chat. I wasn"t seeing it.
"Like lots of fae." He crossed his arms.
I waved his anger away, swiping my hand back and forth in the air between us. "Whatever. I"m sure you"re very popular. My point is, let"s work with what we have naturally and not try to force anything on each other. I think it will be easier to get along and have lives that make us both happy."
"But what about our destiny to be together?"
"What destiny?" He was crazy-talking now as far as I was concerned.
"Spirit blessed our union. You can"t deny that means we were meant to be together."
"Spirit doesn"t tell me what to do or who to love, okay? Maybe everyone here misunderstood. Maybe Spirit just likes the idea of us being close. I can be close to you without being in bed with you. I already do that with Tony."
"So you"re suggesting Spirit would bless a union of two fae who just want to be friends?"
"Yeah. Why not? Friendship is important. You weren"t able to sever the bond I have with Tony, as hard as you tried. It"s strong, maybe stronger than one I"d have with a boyfriend or even a husband."
Ben nodded his head slowly. "This feels possible. I think I could work with this."
I smiled. "Yeah, right? High five." I held up my hand.
He reached up and softly tapped my palm with his.
"That was kind of lame," I said.
He turned around, walking a few paces away. Beau backed up to keep Ben from b.u.mping into him.
"Are you ready to send me back?" he asked, not facing me or responding to my comment about his lame high-five. "Or do you want to talk plans?"
"Plans? For what?"
He put his hands on his hips and dropped his chin to his chest. "For what we"re going to use this bond for."
I was feeling totally thick in the head, not understanding what the h.e.l.l he was saying. "Uh ... okay. Let"s do that. Might as well since we"re here all alone."
Ben didn"t argue the point, confirming my suspicion that he couldn"t see Beau. He turned to face me, his expression more intense than I"d seen in a long time. "I"ve been wanting to share this with you for a while, but I didn"t before because everything just felt so in flux with us."
"Yeah, I get it. It was. But it"s not anymore, I hope."
"I wasn"t sure I could trust you. But you really seem to want to make this work. You pulled me into your dream after I thought we were done talking, so that tells me you still want to work this out with me. And I like your idea of being friends and partners in that kind of way. Your connection to Tony is stronger than many love-connections I"ve known. To me, it means a lot that you"d compare him to me."
I swallowed the guilt and smiled, hoping it didn"t come off as lopsided, weighed down by deceit yet at the same time, lifted by hope. "A girl can dream, right?"
"What are your dreams, Jayne? Maybe we can start there."
I hadn"t thought about that subject much. I wasn"t sure what he wanted me to say, so I just started pulling stuff out of my b.u.t.t.
"Well, I guess world peace might be nice."
"Are you serious?"