Knowing that whatever was going to happen was inevitable and out of my hands at this point, I finally got a bit of control over my fear and broke the paralysis that had temporarily taken over my body. I yanked myself back and forth, trying to turn around and face my nemesis. If I were going to die by dragon breath or dragon bite, then I wanted to see it coming. Having the beast that would end my life behind my back was too friggin awful, creepy, and wrong, wrong, wrong. No one should have to die in the blind like this.
Another hot breath hit me, the currents of air pushing me in a slow circle.
I stopped struggling and just watched the trees and branches spin around, the ground being connected to the bottom of the trees that seemed to be floating above my head made me even more disoriented than I already was.
It was when I was three-quarters of the way around that I finally realized how deep the s.h.i.t was. And I was standing in it without any waders on.
"Oh. My. Friggin. G. You are not a sheepdog."
I was facing it now. The T-Rex. The T-Rex motherf.u.c.king dinosaur dragon that was about the size of my mother"s house, black smoke trailing out of its nostrils and rising up in weird shapes that looked like phantoms of evil, haunting its frightening face.
It huffed one more time, sending tendrils of the black stuff up around my face. It stank like burnt boiled egg.
"Oh, Jesus H. Smith, that is some nasty s.h.i.t!" I yelled, without even thinking. I knew I was dead, so a piece of my barely functioning brain had apparently decided that manners had no place in my life anymore; they were too much effort when I was so focused on how much pain was going to be involved in my pa.s.sing. It was bad enough this beast was going to eat me, but that it was going to choke me on rotten egg-breath first? That was too much.
"Tim we need to get this beast some mouthwash."
I could hear whispering behind me, but not well enough to figure out what they were saying. I ignored them and studied the dragon closely instead, as I tried to come up with a plan to either escape or make peace with my maker so I wouldn"t have to be a permanent resident here in the Underworld.
Its hide was black - blacker than black. It was so dark, it looked like darkness Itself. "You"re The Dark of Blackthorn," I said matter-of-factly, putting the pieces together. "Nice to meet you. I"m Jayne Blackthorn." I held out a hand, which mostly just flopped down to hang above my head. All the blood leaving most of my body to go to my brain and face was causing me to have very little control of my limbs.
It opened its huge mouth and breathed out a monstrously big wall of fire at me, roaring at the same time. It was like a full-speed-ahead freight train had exploded in my face, screeching its whistle as it blew up into a million pieces.
I closed my eyes as soon as I saw the first lick of fire coming from its black throat, readying myself for the pain. I"m about to be the ash that Garrett was so worried about becoming himself. Goodbye eyebrows. Goodbye hair. Goodbye face. Goodbye cruel world.
The agony I fully expected to annihilate me both physically and mentally never came. Just a bit of heat washed over me that was a little uncomfortable, but probably only because my face was already too hot. Once I felt it pa.s.s and the roaring had subsided, I opened my eyes.
The dragon"s head was c.o.c.ked to the side. It looked so much like a confused dog, I had to grin.
"Surprised ya with that one, didn"t I?" I started laughing, feeling like I"d stared death in the face and won, big time. Adrenaline and other really good brain chemicals rushed into my blood stream, taking control of my mouth and making me momentarily forget where I was. "Whoo hoooo!!! I"m fireproof, motherf.u.c.ker!!! Go ahead. Blast me again, beast monster." I lost my humor for a moment and stared him down, narrowing my eyes with the anger I felt at him trying to roast me alive. "I"m just gonna laugh."
"Jayne, do not taunt the dragon," yelled Tim. "They are very, very prideful creatures."
"Pride, my a.s.s. He doesn"t even have any teeth." I pulled Blackie out of my sheath and wiggled it out in front of him, my circulation-challenged limb looking like it belonged to a two-year-old. "Lookie here, dragon. I got your tooth." I laughed maniacally.
He blasted me again, but this time I didn"t even shut my eyes. The inside of the flames were amazing - oranges and reds and even yellows and blues. They reminded me of Ben, the best part of him. I inhaled and exhaled slowly, appreciating the beauty and the comfortable warmth. It went on for at least a full minute, with the train whistle and everything.
When the beast was finally done trying to grill me alive, he let the flames die down to black smoke again and moved his face in closer.
Whereas the fire-breathing thing hadn"t really bothered me so much, this did. I"m not sure why, but dragon faces, even without fangs attached to them, were seriously freaky to me. I could see each individual scale up close now. They were like black holes, sucking in any light that got near them. He had horns, sharp ones, that sat above his very large and protruding eye-ridge bones. He had huge, bulging muscles beneath his scale-armor and claws that were big enough to fit at least three dwarves on each one, if they were skewered side-by-side. His nose got almost to my face and then it sniffed, inhaling until my forehead was pressed onto one of his nostrils. I could feel my hair being drawn into his nasal pa.s.sages, like a giant vacuum cleaner was sucking me in, and I nearly gagged with the fear and the smells that swirled around my face.
When he finished inhaling and the suction died down, a foreign voice entered my head. Give me what isssss mine.
I swallowed nervously several times before I could respond. "Do you mean your tooth?"
"Who are you talking to, Jayne?" asked Tony.
"The dragon. He"s in my head."
"Oh, d.a.m.n. She"s a goner. Allllll ready to be checked into the looney bin," said my roommate. "Did you happen to bring a straightjacket with you, Tony? I ... no, never mind. He"s going to eat her anyway. No jacket necessary."
I"m not sure why I hadn"t considered the dragon eating me before he said that, but now that the idea was in my head, I couldn"t let it go. Holy bat b.a.l.l.s ... I taunted a friggin dragon. What is my problem? Why do I not see the jaws of death when they are staring me in the face? I decided then and there that when this thing was over, I was going to get myself some serious therapy. Just because he hadn"t been able to fry me was no reason to be getting all c.o.c.ky. This beast could kill me in at least five different ways that I quickly calculated. I"d never been so good at math. My intestines churned some more.
The voice came again. Yesssss. Give me what issss mine.
"Uh, no. It"s mine now. You can"t have it." I wasn"t sure what the deal was exactly with dragon fangs, but I remembered Gregale saying something about how they were sacrificed to the only one superior to the dragon - that person being his slayer. And my fang was given by this dragon to Shayla, and then it was given to me by default.
If there was a situation where a dragon had asked for and gotten his tooth back from anyone, I hadn"t heard about it. And I sure wasn"t cool with the idea of giving him something that could turn me into a shish kebab, so I decided to just deny, deny, deny, and say no, no, no ... no matter what he said or did. Something told me that this tooth was the only thing standing between life and death for me in the Underworld.
He roared again, obviously very unhappy with being fangless. And when he did that, I noted that he wasn"t exactly toothless. He had about a hundred very sharp ones in there, any one of which could end me in seconds. The fang, I decided, was pretty much just decoration.
"Listen, I don"t mean to be rude, Mister Dark, but you gave up your fangs fair and square. I can"t give them back to you unless Shayla says to. So, maybe later, okay? In the meantime, I need to get back to my friends in the Here and Now. Go ahead and feel free to fly back to your cave or whatever." I waved him away, my empty-blooded hand flapping around in front of me for a few seconds before hanging limply down beneath my head. I didn"t have the strength to hold it up anymore.
The dragon huffed at me once, sending more black smoke and stink into my face, and then it lifted its head up to the sky, letting out a weird trumpeting sound followed by a flame fountain that he spit up into the sky so high, I couldn"t see the top of it. Ashes rained down around me.
"Oh, s.h.i.t. That does not look good," I said to no one in particular, trying to lift my head and watch the flaming light show above me - or below me. I couldn"t tell which way was up anymore. My head was pounding with too much blood.
Spike had appeared on the edge of the clearing again, stopping behind a tree. He shouted out from his hiding spot, "He is calling his mate! You had better free yourself and fast! She has all of her teeth, and she is quite unpredictable in her moods!"
The little bit of confidence I"d gained with this particular dragon drained out of me immediately. I struggled anew, trying to loosen the hold the spell had on me. I was feeling sick and headachy from the blood pooling in my head. I knew I didn"t have much longer. I was either going to die by dragon bite or by stroke.
"Jayne, please, fart like you"ve never farted before. And sing! Sing as high as you can! Like a bird!" yelled Tim from the safety of Tony"s hair.
I sang like a choking eagle. My voice went as high as I could make it go, but it didn"t even come close to the pitch Tim had used earlier. I was crying again too, which did nothing for my voice quality.
"Tim, please sing for me!" I wailed. "I"m going to die up here! I don"t want to die yet!"
Tim stayed where he was, but he sang and sang and sang for me. "OOHHH, THE DRAGON IS COMINNNNNG AND SHE"S GOING TO EEEAAAT MY ROOMMAAAATE AND I WILL CRRYYYYYY MYSELF TO SLEEEEP EVERY NIIIIGHT FOR A WEEEEK, AT LEEEa.s.sST ... OHHHH DRAAAGON, DRAAAAGON, EEEEAT HER FAST SO SHE DOESN"T SUFFER TOO MUUUUUUCH!"
Nothing was working. I was still stuck.
The sulfur smell doubled in potency.
The sounds of flapping, leathery wings filled my ears.
Wind rushed around me and sent me twirling out of control, the world spinning around and around, making me sicker than I already was.
I panicked.
I farted.
I shrieked in humiliation.
And the bonds around my ankles disappeared, and I fell from the noose, landing painfully on my right shoulder in the leaves.
"Run, Jayne! RUN!" yelled Tony.
I crawled as fast as I could towards my friends, my feet and legs too numb to stand and my one shoulder nearly buckling with the pain. f.u.c.k me, f.u.c.k me, f.u.c.k me, I chanted in my head as I got closer and closer to the door, my legs and one usable hand scrabbling in the leaves and dirt. I panted and cried at the same time, sounding like a wounded unhinged puppy.
Two screams rent the air behind me - a chorus of angry dragons, ready to tear my bottom half off as I tried to get away.
I saw a blur out of the corner of my eye, and before I could figure out what it was, I felt myself leave the ground, picked up into the air.
I screamed b.l.o.o.d.y murder, knowing I was about to be eaten. Goodbye, Here and Now. It"s been real.
But then I fell through the door in the tree, landing in Tony"s arms, a heavy weight at my back. The door slammed shut behind me and everything went dead silent. When the dizziness had finally pa.s.sed and I could hear beyond the loud beating of my frantic heart, I realized ... Spike had carried me inside and delivered me into the void.
CHAPTER TWELVE.
IT TOOK ME A WHILE to get my breath back. My stomach still rolled around uncomfortably inside me, but I slowly forced the sickness away. This was no time to lose my lunch. From the look of things and the weird vibes I was getting in this dark place, we were not out of danger yet. I worried about the troll that demon-Spike had mentioned.
"I haven"t been in the Gray in over fifty years," said Tim in a quiet voice. "I can see they haven"t done anything to spruce up the place since I"ve been gone."
"Yeah. No interior decorating spirits here for sure," said Tony, standing and reaching down to pull me up. The dim light that was coming from somewhere unknown outlined his form, giving me enough illumination to see his outstretched hand.
I grabbed it and winced as I stood, my sore muscles on my ribs protesting with a burning pain. "f.u.c.k b.a.l.l.s, that hurts."
"Do you have a headache?" he asked.
"That and I hurt my ribs, too. I think I pulled something."
"Can you walk okay?"
"I can carry you, if you wish," said demon-Spike.
"No, I can walk. Come on. Let"s get the h.e.l.l out of here." I shuffled forward, not yet trusting my legs to work properly.
"Jayne, I"m going to ride the mule if you don"t mind. I feel some hungry spirits in here," said Tim, his voice wavering a little. He landed on my arm and crawled up the rest of the way up to my ear. "Put your hair down so I can hide. Oh, and nice one back there. You totally blew that dragon away." He giggled at his pun.
"Shut up." I knew I was never going to live that down. Even if I tried to pretend it never happened, Tim would probably be talking about it into the next century.
"Who knew elemental gas was so powerful? I guess we shouldn"t be surprised."
"Tim, I swear to all that is holy, if you keep talking about my escape..."
"Seriously, though," said Tony. "All kidding aside ... how did you break that spell? Was it really your intestinal problems? Or your magical singing voice? I wasn"t sure if that was you or if someone was plucking a very large and very unhappy turkey nearby."
"First of all, I don"t have intestinal problems, okay? I mean, fine, alright, if you had a couple of dragons at your back, your stomach might get a little queasy. Is that a crime?"
"To be scared s.h.i.tless? No," said Tony, giggling a little.
I punched him in the arm.
"Ow."
"I don"t know what broke the spell. Ask the demon next to you."
Tony abruptly stopped walking, causing me to b.u.mp into his back.
"Hey! Warn me when you"re going to stop next time. I"m on the injured list here in case you forgot." I shoved him slightly, trying to get him away from me so he wouldn"t jiggle my sore ribs again, but all I succeeded in doing was make it hurt worse.
"Sorry. I just wasn"t expecting you to say that word: Demon."
"You have nothing to fear from me, wrathe," said demon-Spike. "I know you are my pa.s.sage-maker. I will not harm you."
"Uhhhh, good. Thanks, I think," said Tony, walking again. "So we don"t have far to go, but I have to give you guys some advice, or ground rules before we go much farther, okay?"
"Sure. Do whatever you can to keep me out of trouble," I said. "I"ll do whatever you say."
"First, no engaging with any spirits. Don"t talk to them, don"t touch them, try not to let them touch you ... and no matter what, don"t let them kiss you."
"Kiss of death," whispered Tim in a spooky voice.
"Tim says it"s the kiss of death. Is that true?" I asked. That would be just my luck, to escape the Underworld and run into a kiss that would send me right back.
"Not exactly, but close enough," said Tony. "Just keep physical contact with me somewhere, and I"ll guide you out."
I immediately grabbed Tony"s hand and felt Tim"s weight leave my shoulder as he switched riders.
"Sorry, Jayne, but I"m not taking any chances."
"No worries, pixieman. I"d ride on Tony"s shoulder too if I could fit."
We moved along a pa.s.sageway I couldn"t see. Cold things brushed by me, each one giving me a new set of gooseb.u.mps. I shrank my body inwardly as much as I could, trying to follow Tony"s instructions about not letting the Gray spirits touch me.
Tony kept moving forward, giving no sign that he was feeling what I was.
"I cannot imagine why any soul would choose to remain here rather than going on to the other realms," said the Spike who wasn"t really Spike. "Even the Underworld is better than this haunted dimension."
"I agree," said Tony. "But each soul or spirit has its reason for being tortured or restless. I try not to get too involved in what they do here. I found it has some bad side effects."
"Like what?" I asked. "Dead spots?"
"That and a loss of purpose. After you spend some time in here you start to forget what you even came for or what was important to you. A person could get lost in the Gray or turned around in a very bad direction."
"Sounds like high school to me," I said.
Tony laughed. "It wasn"t that bad, Jayne, come on."
"The h.e.l.l it wasn"t. All those teachers sucking the life out of me, making me forget what was important to me and trying to force their agenda down our throats. Come on ... the parallels are undeniable."
"For you, maybe. It wasn"t that way for me."