Jessie––––––––
I watched in horroras Virgo and Salt shook hands. Virgo was talking, I couldn"t hear what he was saying, but he was obviously so self absorbed in the sound of his own voice he didn"t notice the shock on my face.
The door closed slowly as Salt took one last glance at me over his shoulder, his lips taut except for the small crinkle of a smirk pulling up on one side.
What did I just do?
Clutching my chest, I stumbled backwards until I hit the edge of the stage. The room was spinning around me, my lungs were aching to catch a sliver of air. Every breath felt like I was inhaling hot ash.
I"m dead, I"m f.u.c.king dead.
Sitting down, I threw my hands to my head as I realized that Salt was working with Virgo. How and why were unknown, but it didn"t really matter what the answers were. My life was over.
The note I had placed in his palm was enough for Virgo to kill me twice over. Every nerve in my body was firing off as sweat dripped down my temples and my skin felt cold and clammy.
I was trying to think of ways to fix it, to take back that note and pretend like it never happened. But there was nothing I could do. I gave it to Salt, he had it in his possession, and there was no getting it back.
Vin knocked on the door as he opened it and stuck his head inside. "Hey, you coming out anytime today?" Snapping my head up to look at him, I gave him a silent nod. Peering at me, he took a small step in, a hint of concern on his face. "What"s wrong? Did something happen I should know about?"
Frowning, I shook my head. "No, nothing"s wrong, I"m fine." Stiffening my back, I sucked in a deep breath of air, pretending that I hadn"t just f.u.c.ked up royally. Grabbing the money off the stage, I stalked forward, slapping it against his chest. "Here," I said, not stopping as I walked right past him.
"What did you do for him?" Vin questioned me as he counted the money, enhancing his voice so it reached me at my table.
"Ask him yourself, he"s with Virgo right now." Dropping into my seat, I looked over at the table Aubrey had been using.
I hadn"t seen her since that night. No one had mentioned her name, no one else seemed to even notice her absence except for me. Her table was neat and tidy, all her makeup was stacked and organized the same as she had left it.
Picking at the beds of my nails, the gravity of what was coming my way settled in my chest like a pile of rocks.
I"m so screwed. What the h.e.l.l was I thinking?
It was a strange feeling I had inside. I thought for a really long time that dying would be a blessing, that I was ready for it, and if it happened, Virgo would be doing me a favor. But that wasn"t what I felt right then.
The idea of actually dying, of knowing that it was right there, only an arm"s reach away, it brought more fear than comfort. My heart wouldn"t stop racing, my body wouldn"t stop trembling with cold shivers, the air tasted sour as if I was breathing through the pulp of a lemon.
Knowing death could come tonight, tomorrow, days later if Virgo really wanted to make me sweat; it only made me want to live that much more.
People often say that you can"t appreciate what you have until it"s gone; but it wasn"t this life that I would miss, it was the future I could possibly have. I appreciated the idea that someday I might be freed. I thrived on the idea that I could potentially beat Virgo at his own game.
But I was still just as naive as I had been when I was little girl. I once believed that Virgo knew what was best for me, because he told me to believe him. I once believed that there had to be some good in everyone, because that"s what my mother had taught me. I even believed we were the innocent.
I was wrong, just like I had been wrong believing the adults around me.
No one could be trusted, not even me. If I couldn"t tell the difference between good and evil, how the h.e.l.l would I ever function outside of this place?
Virgo had done more than just destroy my past, he destroyed the trust I had in myself.
Lifting my face to look at myself in the mirror, I watched my eyes glisten with lost tears and fallen wishes.
I"ve been a d.a.m.n fool.
Resting my hands in my lap, I stared at my reflection, cursing myself for being so f.u.c.king stupid. I could never beat Virgo. I could never win this war.
I had lost the battle before I even had the chance to find a weapon. And as a single tear escaped, I watched it trickle down my cheek. I didn"t wipe it away, I didn"t hurry to suck it back in and lock it up.
That single teardrop was the last bit of myself I had left. And now she was gone, free to roam, free to be whoever she wanted to be, because there was no point in holding onto her anymore.
Closing my eyes, I hung my head, knowing that inside I was truly empty.
The little girl was gone, the woman I could have been was now a single puddled tear, soaking into my skirt. And that feeling of emptiness was enough to turn me numb.
I"ll always just be this. . .
The girl with no place in the outside world.