Chapter Twelve
The cool night breeze caught the edge of my skirt causing it to billow. After some time had lapsed, I found my voice.
“Why are you still here?”
Zhuang Xu and his room mates had also tagged along to send Ah Fen off. I hadn’t paid any attention to them the entire time so I was confused as to why he was stuck here as well.
His eyes flashed. “I was standing behind you. Since you couldn’t board, neither could I.”
His words sounded very much like he was blaming me. I relived the embarra.s.sing memory of being jostled off the bus and couldn’t help feeling apologetic. “Sorry.”
“You should say ‘thank you’.”
His voice was soft but I heard every word clearly. I found it strange but I didn’t pursue it. “Where’s the rest?”
“I don’t know.” He answered pointedly after a pause. He seemed tired of the questioning.
translation has been posted without the permission of the translator.
I only caused him to miss the bus, surely that was no unpardonable sin? I was just thinking of going our separate ways when his phone sounded.
He fished it out and glanced briefly at the screen before answering.
“h.e.l.lo.”
…..
“I couldn’t board.”
The person on the other end must have been asking where he was. Was it Rong Rong then? I was still mentally going through a list of possible callers when I heard him say rather abruptly “I’m with Nie Xi Guang.”
My heart skipped a beat.
His conversation was nearing its end. After an ‘okay’, he hung up.
“Your roommate?” Surely he wouldn’t have been so forthright otherwise.
He stared at me long and hard “It was Rong Rong.”
translation has been posted without the permission of the translator.
I was rendered speechless momentarily.
“What did she say?”
“She and the rest are all on the bus. She told us to get a taxi.”
“… Then let’s do that.”
He nodded.
I patted my pockets before recalling belatedly that coming to the train station was purely an act of impulse. I had no money on me. Even the spare change used to board the bus earlier had been from Xiao Feng. I was a little embarra.s.sed as I said “I don’t have any money. Do you?”
It might have been because it was late at night but his eyes were unusually deep. He seemed to be pondering the question seriously. Finally, he declared “I don’t either.”
“Oh.” I was stunned. “What do we do now?”
He gave me another look before leading the way “We walk.”
I was still rooted to my spot. He had walked some distance before he slowed and turned to stare at me. He didn’t speak. I pressed my lips together before catching up to him.
translation has been posted without the permission of the translator.
After all that had happened, I couldn’t believe we were walking together on a night such as this.
Both of us concentrated on walking; neither of us talked. However this made me more unsettled so I resorted to counting my paces to avoid giving my idle mind a chance to overthink the situation.
After my Nth time of counting wrongly, I suddenly heard Zhuang Xu speak in a hollow voice “You didn’t use my thesis.”
The moment he spoke, my mental counting went awry. “Oh, it wouldn’t have been nice.”
I had a.s.sumed the conversation would end there. However, he was unexpectedly relentless “In what way?”
I was stumped. Did he want me to say that I was uncomfortable using it because he had intended it to be an apology on Rong Rong’s behalf?
“…. It is after all your work.”
“Really? You don’t want it because I auth.o.r.ed it?” He had a questioning tone “During the holidays in Year Three, we were only just acquainted but you asked for my work as reference …”
But you didn’t give it to me back then I thought to myself bitterly. Furthermore, I had already written my own pathetic draft, it was merely an excuse to interact with you.
“… Just take it that I’ve become more matured.”
I didn’t want to dredge up memories of the past. Every single detail reeked of foolishness that made me want to bury myself in the earth. Thankfully, only both of us were privy to them.
Unless Rong Rong knew as well? Did he mention me whenever they were together? Did he tell her all the silly things I said to make her laugh?
This possibility was a dreadful jolt and I started slipping into a neverending vortex of what-ifs. I was void of all desire to continue walking with him. It was such a peaceful night on a vast, empty road. The surroundings were not appropriate for us at all.
I slowed down.
“You go on first. I can’t walk another step. You don’t have to wait for me.”
translation has been posted without the permission of the translator.
He halted and frowned at me “You … How pampered are you?”
… It was just an excuse …
His gaze fell on my feet and his forehead creases expressed his strong disapproval. “Why did you wear these shoes out? You only care about beauty and not …”
He must have sensed that his tone was inappropriate because he clammed his mouth shut.
I looked at my innocent fine strapped heels and couldn’t help feeling indignant on their behalf. “I didn’t expect to be walking tonight. Moreover, they are the latest trend. Everyone in the hostel has a similar pair.”
And if I didn’t recall wrongly, Rong Rong wore a similar pair herself tonight. Indeed, when one is displeasing to the eye, even what she wears will be criticised.
“Really?” He added “I never noticed.”
translation has been posted without the permission of the translator.
I was silent momentarily before I ventured “Zhuang Xu, you can’t stand me can you?”
“You think I’m a sloth and lack ambition …”
And that I’m pampered?
I didn’t say the latter statement out loud because it felt like I was wronging myself. When I was young, my parents were often busy with work so I lived with my paternal grandmother in the village. I was happy there. I was only a little lazy now … Yet this created a false image of having lived a privileged life.
“Yes.” He answered without hesitation.
… He was his same old self, never sparing a thought for my feelings.
I couldn’t help but retort “But there’s nothing wrong with that! Must everyone have a goal to work towards? If one lives a happy life and doesn’t negatively impact the lives of others, why should she have to change?”
translation has been posted without the permission of the translator.
He took the outburst quietly. He obviously didn’t agree with me; He was the sort who was goal-oriented and motivated. I had no idea why I was telling him all that. Perhaps I wanted him to understand that this was my nature, that this was my inborn personality. I liked my life and there was nothing unacceptable about that.
I recalled a quiz I took with Jiang Rui recently. It was about whether one should eat the bigger grape first or the smaller grape.
“There’s this quiz about grapes. It asks if one would prefer eating the bigger one first or the smaller one. I’m the kind who will eat the bigger one first. If I eat the smaller one, I might become too full for the larger one. If I can be happy now, why worry about the future?”
translation has been posted without the permission of the translator.
He replied gently “What if there never was any big grape?”
“Oh …”
I froze and thought of his background. Waves of empathy swept over me. I had never felt like such an insensitive person before.
“No, I used to have it.” He added abruptly “But I made the only big grape angry and she ran off.”
She ran off … was it Rong Rong? Now that I thought about it, in the recent few meals, they didn’t sit together and they didn’t converse much either …
I imagined the slim Rong Rong as a round grape and found it hilarious even though I was feeling down. But on seeing how serious he looked, I couldn’t bring myself to laugh so I comforted him “She will return eventually.”
“Really?”
Zhuang Xu was so earnest that I felt as if my response was of great importance. But, I’m not Rong Rong.
However his eagerness for an answer compelled me to nod along. Perhaps he needed rea.s.surance.
“Really.” I said in all seriousness.
He didn’t speak as he broke into a huge grin. It was like a burden had been lifted.
translation has been posted without the permission of the translator.
Zhuang Xu had never smiled like this. It was as if the fog had lifted and the storm clouds had parted. I was enraptured by the smile but when my senses returned, I was even more forlorn.
The smile was not because of me and I would never see him smile this way ever again. I was suddenly overcome with a sense of loss. I yelled “Zhuang Xu!”
The jubilance hadn’t disappeared from his eyes “Yes?”
At that moment I felt I had to give it one last shot but then I also recalled that I had already done everything I possibly could.
More importantly, back then I was ignorant of the relationship between Rong Rong and him. Now that I had learnt of it, it was only right that I back out of the love triangle gracefully.
“Nothing. I was just fooling around.”
He kept his eyes transfixed on me as though willing me to say something.
“I really was only playing around …”
His pupils seemed to gain a touch of disappointment. I suspected it was a wrong interpretation on my part. He must have found me childish and irritating.
When the moment pa.s.sed, he looked away “There’s a shoe shop a short distance away. You can get another pair.”
Would it still be operating this late at night? Even if it did, it was useless.
“I don’t have cash on me” I had to remind him “And neither do you.”
He seemed stumped for words.
“Let’s continue walking. It’s not the shoes.”
We didn’t speak after that as we walked along unhurried. When we were finally back on campus and at the fork leading to our separate dormitories, I uttered the words I had been preparing myself mentally for the entire journey “Goodbye.”
translation has been posted without the permission of the translator.
I was about to walk off when he responded “I’ll send you to your block.”
“No …” I wanted to say it wasn’t necessary but when I saw his tender expression bathed in moonlight, the words stuck in my throat.
This expression of his shouldn’t have been directed at me so perhaps his intention wasn’t to ensure my safety? Perhaps Rong Rong was waiting for him?
If so, I shouldn’t reject his ‘offer’. Thus, I wisely kept my mouth shut as I trudged towards my hostel wordlessly. When we neared, I couldn’t help but dart my eyes about to see if my theory was correct.
The dormitory lobby was empty.
I was surprised but not gladdened.
I had hoped Rong Rong would be there. Then I could make a quick and clean exit without these extra minutes alone with him.
This was pathetic.
And, I had to bid farewell again.
This would truly be goodbye. There was no more distance left for him to accompany me.
We stopped our steps in perfect synchrony.
As silence enveloped us, I lost the willpower to say goodbye. Maybe I only had the strength to utter it once.
I climbed a few steps before turning back.
“Zhuang Xu.”
“Hmm?” He hadn’t left his spot at the foot of the stairs. Having never looked at him from such a vantage point, I hadn’t known that he was this handsome when he inclined his head.
I was consumed by emotions and I blurted out “You look better with your hair short.”
Best if you pair it with a white shirt and light blue jeans …
Just like the boy waiting outside Uncle’s door when I opened it.
“h.e.l.lo, is this Mr Jiang’s residence?” That boy had asked politely.
I stared incredulously at you “Zhuang Xu?”
You replied unhurriedly “Yes.”
It almost seemed like the scene was about to be reenacted.
“Is there something wrong?” He was patiently waiting for me to speak.
“No.” I lowered my gaze.
We lapsed into silence once more. We had run out of things to talk about. I should have left decisively but I couldn’t bear to. There would never be a moment like this again.
How wonderful it would be if the night never ended.
Or if the stars never had to leave the sky.
Or if we could suspend time right there and then.
But there are no ‘ifs’.
It all ends tonight.
It was time for us to part yet my mind was filled with thoughts of forevermove. I stood there shamelessly, unable to bid adieu. Surprisingly, he partook in this silence as he stood there patiently.
However, the moment could not last forever. I inhaled deeply and looked at him.
“I’m going up.”
I ran the short distance up. From the window on the second floor, I could see that he was almost out of my field of vision. Just before the trees could swallow all trace of him, I gave an unbridled yell.
“Zhuang Xu!”
He glanced back.
He was too far away for me to make out his expression. I could safely conclude that he could not discern mine either.
So I let my tears flow freely with abandon as I waved at him vigorously.
Goodbye Zhuang Xu!
I still like you so much, so much. But I can lay all my feelings to rest now.
Just knowing where you’ll be is good enough for me, Zhuang Xu.
From now on, I’ll bury my feelings for you.
The world is my oyster.
Conclusion of the university years.
– That night, one person accepted that it was farewell while the other was planning a future. –