ItwaslateafternoonwhenIgotbacktotheflat.Thetidy,dull,unwelcomingroomshadn"tchangedabit.WhenIlookedatthekitchenIrememberedLynniemakingburntscrambledegg,andIfeltafiercedisturbingwishthatshewouldsoonmakesomemore.
Iunpacked.Theeveningstretchedgreylyahead.
Isatandstaredvacantlyatthebarewalls.
Ifwasagrindingword,Ithought.IfSamHengelmanhadtakenlongertomendthatgasket,Waltwouldhavefoundusontheroadandwouldhavestoppedusgoingtothefarm.IfSamhadmendeditfaster,we"dhavereachedthefarmwellbeforeWalt,andMattwouldhavekilledme,ashe"dmeant.
IfIhadn"tdecidedtorecoverthehorsesbystealingthem,Waltwouldbealive.Theymightcollectivelybeworthnearlyfivemilliondollars,b.u.t.theyweren"tworthWalt"slife.
IwishedI"dneverstarted.
Thegreydayturnedtogreydusk.Igotupandswitchedonthelight,andfetchedtwoobjectstoputonthelowtablebesidemychair.
TheLuger,andthephotographofWaltwithhiswifeandkids.
Thetroublewithbeinggivenagiftyoudon"treallywantisthatyoufeelsomeanifyouthrowitaway.Especiallyifitcostmorethanthegivercouldafford.
Iwon"tthrowawayWalt"sgift.EvenifLynniechangeshermind,I"llsurvive.
Tiredbeyondfeeling,Iwenttobedatten.IputtheLugerunderthepillow,andhungthephotographonthewall.
Andslept.
TheEnd