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Nine.
Eye Signals [image]
Throughout history, we have been preoccupied with the eye and its effect on human behaviour. We have all used such phrases as "She looked daggers at him", "She has big baby eyes", "He has shifty eyes", "She has inviting eyes", "He had that gleam in his eye" or "He gave me the Evil Eye". When we use these phrases we unwittingly refer to the size of the person"s pupils and to his or her gaze behaviour. In his book The Tell-Tale Eye, Hess says that the eyes may well give the most revealing and accurate of all human communication signals because they are a focal point on the body and the pupils work independently.
In given light conditions, the pupils will dilate or contract as the person"s att.i.tude and mood change from positive to negative and vice versa. When someone becomes excited, his pupils can dilate up to four times their normal size. Conversely, an angry, negative mood causes the pupils to contract to what are commonly known as "beady little eyes" or "snake eyes". The eyes are used a lot in courtship; women use eye make-up to emphasise their eye display. If a woman loves a man, she will dilate her pupils at him and he will decode this signal correctly, without knowing he does so. For this reason, romantic encounters are often arranged in dimly lit places that cause the pupils to dilate.
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Young lovers who look deeply into each other"s eyes unknowingly look for pupil dilation; each becomes excited by the dilation of the other"s pupils. Research has shown that when p.o.r.nographic films showing men and women in s.e.xual positions are shown to men, their pupils can dilate to almost three times the normal size. When the same films are shown to women their pupil dilation is even greater than that recorded by the men, which raises some doubt about the statement that women are less stimulated by p.o.r.nography than men.
Young babies and children have larger pupils than adults and their pupils constantly dilate when adults are present in an attempt to look as appealing as possible and thus receive constant attention.
Tests conducted with expert card players show that fewer games were won by the experts when their opponents wore dark gla.s.ses. For example, if an opponent were dealt four aces in a game of poker, his rapid pupil dilation would be unconsciously detected by the expert, who would get a feeling that he should not bet on the next hand. Dark gla.s.ses worn bythe opponents eliminated pupil signals and as a result the experts won fewer games than usual.
Pupil watching was used by the ancient Chinese gem traders who watched for the pupil dilation of their buyers when negotiating prices. Centuries ago, prost.i.tutes put drops of belladonna in their eyes to dilate their pupils and to make themselves appear more desirable. The late Aristotle Ona.s.sis was noted for wearing dark gla.s.ses when negotiating business deals so that his eyes would not reveal his thoughts.
An old cliche says, "Look a person in the eye when you talk to him." When you are communicating or negotiating with others, practise "looking them in the pupil" and let the pupils tell you their real feelings.
GAZE BEHAVIOUR.
It is only when you see "eye to eye" with another person that a real basis for communication can be established. While some people can make us feel quite comfortable when they converse with us, others can make us feel ill-at-ease and some seem untrustworthy. This has to do primarily with the length of time that they look at us or hold our gaze as they speak. When a person is being dishonest or holding back information, his eyes meet ours less than one-third of the time. When a person"s gaze meets yours for more than twothirds of the time, it can mean one of two things; first, he or she finds you very interesting or appealing, in which case the gaze will be a.s.sociated with dilated pupils; secondly, he or she is hostile towards you and may be issuing a non-verbal challenge, in which case the pupils will become constricted. Argyle reported that he found that when person A likes person B, he will look at him a lot. This causes B to think that A likes him, so B will like A in return. In other words, to build a good rapport with another person, your gaze should meet his about 60 to 70 per cent of the time. This will also make him begin to like you. It is not surprising, therefore, that the nervous, timid person who meets your gaze less than one-third. of the time is rarely trusted.. In negotiation, dark tinted gla.s.ses should be avoided at all times as they make others feel that you are staring at them.
Like most body language and gestures, the length of time that one person gazes at another is culturally determined. Southern Europeans have a high frequency of gaze that may be offensive to others and the j.a.panese gaze at the neck rather than at the face when conversing. Always be sure to consider cultural circ.u.mstances before jumping to conclusions.
Not only is the length of the gaze significant; just as important is the geographical area of the person"s face and body at which you direct your gaze, as this also affects the outcome of a negotiation. These signals are transmitted and received non-verbally and are accurately interpreted by the receiver.
It takes about thirty days of conscious practice before the following eye techniques can be effectively used to improve your communication skills.
The Business Gaze (Figure 109) When having discussions on a business level, imagine that there is a triangle on the other person"s forehead. By keeping your gaze directed at this area, you create a serious atmosphere and the other person senses that you mean business. Provided that your gaze does not drop below the level of the other person"s eyes, you are able to maintain control of the interaction.
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The Social Gaze (Figure 110) When the gaze drops below the other person"s eye level, a social atmosphere develops. Experiments into gazing reveal that during social encounters the gazer"s eyes also look in a triangular area on the other person"s face, in this case between the eyes and the mouth.
The Intimate Gaze (Figure 111) The gaze is across the eyes and below the chin to other parts of the person"s body. In close encounters it is the triangular area between the eyes and the chest or b.r.e.a.s.t.s and for distant gazing from the eyes to the crotch. Men and women use this gaze to show interest in each other and those who are interested will return the gaze.
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Sideways Glance The sideways glance is used to communicate either interest or hostility. When it is combined with slightly raised eyebrows or a smile, it communicates interest and is frequently used as a courtship signal. If it is combined with down-turned eyebrows, furrowed brow or the corners of the mouth down-turned, it signals a suspicious, hostile or critical att.i.tude.
Summary The area of the other person"s body upon which you direct your gaze can have a powerful effect on the outcome of any face-to-face encounter. If you were a manager who was going to reprimand a lazy employee, which gaze would you use? If you used the social gaze, the employee would take less heed of your words, regardless of how loud or threatening you sounded. The social gaze would take the sting out of your words and the intimate gaze would either intimidate or embarra.s.s the employee. The business gaze is the appropriate one to use, as it has a powerful effect on the receiver and tells him that you are serious.
What men describe as the "come-on" look that women use relates to a sideways glance and an intimate gaze. If a man or woman wants to play hard to get, he or she needs only avoid using the intimate gaze and instead use the social gaze. To use the business gaze during courting would cause a man or woman to be labelled as cold or unfriendly. The point is that when you use the intimate gaze on a potential s.e.x partner, you give the game away. Women are expert at sending and receiving this type of gaze but unfortunately, most men are not. Men are usually obvious when they use the intimate gaze and they are generally unaware of having been given an intimate gaze, much to the frustration of the woman who has transmitted it.
Eye Block Gesture Some of the most irritating people with whom we deal are those who use the eye block gesture as they speak. This gesture occurs unconsciously and is an attempt by the person to block you from his sight because he has become bored or uninterested in you or feels that he is superior to you. Compared to the normal rate of six to eight blinks per minute during conversation, the eyelids close and remain closed for a second or longer as the person momentarily wipes you from his mind. The ultimate blockout is to leave the eyes closed and to fall asleep, but this rarely happens during one-to-one encounters.
If a person feels superior to you, the eye block gesture is combined with the head tilted backwards to give you a long look, commonly known as "looking down one"s nose". When you see an eye block gesture during a conversation, it is a signal that the approach you are using may be causing a negative reaction and that a new tack is needed if effective communication is to take place (Figure 112).
CONTROLLING A PERSON"S GAZE It is worth discussing at this point how to control a person"s gaze when you are giving him a visual presentation using books, charts, graphs and so on. Research shows that of the information relayed to a person"s brain, 87 per cent comes via the eyes, 9 per cent via the ears, and 4 per cent via the other senses. If, for example, the person is looking at your visual aid as you are speaking, he will absorb as little as 9 per cent of your message if the message is not directly related to what he sees. If the message is related to the visual aid, he will absorb only 25 to 30 per cent of your message if he is looking at the visual aid. To maintain maximum control of his gaze, use a pen or pointer to point to the visual aid and at the same time verbalise what he sees (Figure 113). Next, lift the pen from the visual aid and hold it between his eyes and your own eyes (Figure 114). This has the magnetic effect of lifting his head so that he is looking at your eyes and now he sees and hears what you are saying, thus achieving maximum absorption of your message. Be sure that the palm of your other hand is visible when you are speaking.
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Ten.
Courtship Gestures and Signals I have a friend named Graham who has developed an art that most males would love to acquire. Whenever he attends a social function he can quickly "psych out" the available women, make his choice and, in almost record-breaking time (sometimes as little as ten minutes), he may be seen heading towards the exit with the woman, escorting her to his car and drilling back to his apartment. I have even seen him return to the party within an hour and repeat this amazing process two or three times in the same evening. He seems to have built-in radar for finding the right girl at the right time and getting her to go with him. Many people wonder: what is the key to his success? Perhaps you know someone like Graham and have asked yourself the same question.
Research into animal courtship behaviour conducted by zoologists and behavioural scientists reveals that male and female animals use a series of intricate courtship gestures, some quite obvious and others extremely subtle, and that most are done subconsciously. In the animal world, courtship behaviour in each species follows specific and predetermined patterns. For example, in several species of bird, the male struts around the female giving a vocal display, puffing up his feathers and performing many intricate body movements to gain her attention, while the female appears to display little or no interest. This ritual is similar to that performed by the human animal when courtship begins.
Graham"s technique was to display male courtship gestures to the prospective females and those who were interested would respond with the appropriate female courtship signals, giving Graham the non-verbal green light to proceed with a more intimate approach.
The success that people have in s.e.xual encounters with members of the opposite s.e.x is directly related to their ability to send courtship signals and to recognise those being sent back. Women are aware of the courtship gestures, as they are aware of most other body gestures, but men are far less perceptive, often being totally blind to them.
It was interesting to note that women described Graham as "s.e.xy", "masculine" and "someone who makes you feel feminine"; their reactions to his constant array of courtship signals. Men, on the other hand, described him as "aggressive", "insincere", and "arrogant"; their reaction to the aggressive compet.i.tion that Graham represented. Consequently he had very few male friends, and the reasons for this should be obvious - no male likes a rival for the attentions of his female.
"What gestures and body movements do people use to communicate desire for involvement?" is frequently asked. We will now list the signals used by both s.e.xes to attract potential s.e.xual partners. You will note that more s.p.a.ce is devoted to female courtship signals than to male signals; this is because women have a greater range of courtship signals than men.
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While some courtship signals are studied and deliberate, others are given completely unconsciously. How we learn these signals is difficult to explain and a popular theory is that they may be inborn.
Dr Albert Scheflen, in his article "Quasicourtship behaviour in psychotherapy", noted that, when a person enters the company of a member of the opposite s.e.x, certain physiological changes take place. He found that high muscle tone became evident in preparation for a possible s.e.xual encounter, "bagging" around the face and eyes decreased, body sagging disappeared, the chest protruded, the stomach was automatically pulled in, pot-bellied slumping disappeared, the body a.s.sumed an erect posture and the person appeared to become more youthful in appearance. The ideal place to observe these changes is on a beach when a man and woman approach each other from a distance. The changes take place when the man and woman are close enough to meet each other"s gaze and continue until after they have pa.s.sed each other, at which time the original posture returns (Figures 115 to 117).
MALE COURTSHIP GESTURES.
Like most animal species, the human male displays preening behaviour as the female approaches. In addition to the automatic physiological reactions already mentioned, he will reach for his throat and straighten his tie. If he is not wearing a tie, he may smooth his collar or brush imaginary dust from his shoulder and rearrange cufflinks, shirt, coat and other clothing. He may also preen himself by smoothing his hair.
The most aggressive s.e.xual display he can make towards the female is the aggressive thumbs-in-belt gesture that highlights his genital region (see Figure 103). He may also turn his body towards her and point his foot at her. He uses the intimate gaze (Figure 111) and holds her gaze for a split second longer than normal. If he is really keen his pupils will be dilated. He often stands with his hands on hips (Figure 98) to accentuate his physical size and show his readiness to be involved with the female. When seated or leaning against a wall, he may also spread his legs to give a crotch display.
When it comes to courtship rituals, most men are about as effective as someone standing in a river trying to catch fish by hitting them on the head with a big stick. Women, as we shall see, have more lures and fishing skills to land their fish than any male could ever hope to acquire.
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FEMALE COURTSHIP GESTURES AND SIGNALS.
Women use most of the same basic preening gestures as men, including touching the hair, smoothing the clothing, one or both hands on hips, foot and body pointing towards the male, extended intimate gaze and increasing eye contact. They also adopt the thumbs-in-belt gesture which, although it is a male aggression gesture, is used with feminine subtlety; only one thumb tucked into a belt or protruding from a handbag or pocket is displayed.
Excited interest also causes pupil dilation and a flushed appearance in the cheeks. Other female courtship signals follow.
The Head Toss The head is flicked to toss the hair back over the shoulders or away from the face. Even women with short hair may use this gesture.
Exposed Wrists An interested female will gradually expose the smooth soft skin of her wrists to the potential male partner. The wrist area has long been considered one of the highly erotic areas of the body. The palms are also made visible to the male while she is speaking. Women who smoke cigarettes find this tantalising wrist/palm exposure quite simple to perform while smoking. The exposed wrist and head toss gestures are often mimicked by h.o.m.os.e.xual males who want to take on a feminine appearance.
Open Legs The legs are opened wider than they would normally have been if the male had not arrived on the scene. This occurs whether the woman is sitting or standing and contrasts with the s.e.xually defensive female who keeps her legs crossed and together at all times.
Rolling Hips The hips have an accentuated roll when walking to highlight the pelvic region.
Some of the more subtle female courtship gestures that follow have been used for centuries in advertising to sell goods and services.
Sideways Glance With partially dropped eyelids, the woman holds the man"s gaze just long enough for him to notice, then she quickly looks away. This has the tantalising feeling of peeping and being peeped at and can light the fires of most normal men.
Mouth Slightly Open, Wet Lips Dr Desmond Morris describes this as "selfmimicry" as it is intended to symbolise the female genital region. The lips can be made to appear wet either by the use of saliva or cosmetics. Both give the woman the appearance of s.e.xual invitation.
Lipstick When a woman becomes s.e.xually aroused her lips, b.r.e.a.s.t.s and genitals become larger and redder as they fill with blood. The use of lipstick is a technique thousands of years old that is intended to mimic the reddened genitals of the s.e.xually aroused female.
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Fondling a Cylindrical Object Fondling cigarettes, the stem of a wine gla.s.s, a finger or any long, thin object is an unconscious indication of what may be in the mind.
Sideways Glance Over Raised Shoulder This is self-mimicry of the rounded female b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Figure 119 also makes use of dilated pupils, the head toss, exposed wrists, sideways glance, artificially extended gaze, wet lips, head up and fondling a cylindrical object, all of which are intended to generate desire for a particular brand of cigar.
Female Leg Cross Gestures Men often sit with their legs apart in an aggressive crotch display, whereas women use leg crossing as protection for their delicate genital area. Women use three basic positions to communicate a courting att.i.tude.
With the knee point (Figure 121), one leg is tucked under the other and points to the person whom she finds interesting. This is a very relaxed position which takes the formality out of a conversation and gives the opportunity for a fleeting exposure of the thighs.
The shoe fondle (Figure 122) also indicates a relaxed att.i.tude and has the phallic effect of thrusting the foot in and out of the shoe, which can drive some men wild.
Most men agree that the leg twine (Figure 123) is the most appealing sitting position a woman can take. It is a gesture that women consciously use to attract attention. Dr Scheflen states that one leg is pressed firmly against the other to give the appearance of high muscle tone which, as previously mentioned, is a condition that the body takes when a person is ready for s.e.xual performance.
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Other signals used by women include crossing and uncrossing the legs slowly in front of the man and gently stroking the thighs with her hand, indicating a desire to be touched. This is often accompanied by speaking in a low voice.
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Eleven.
Cigars, Cigarettes, Pipes and Gla.s.ses SMOKING GESTURES.
Smoking is an outward manifestation of an inner turmoil or conflict and has little to do with nicotine addiction. It is one of the displacement activities that people in today"s high-pressure society use to release the tensions that build up from social and business encounters. For example, most people experience inner tension while waiting outside the dentist"s surgery to have a tooth removed. While a smoker will cover up his anxiety by smoking, non-smokers perform other rituals such as grooming, nail biting, finger and foot tapping, cufflink adjusting, head scratching, taking a ring off and putting it back on, playing with a tie and demonstrating numerous other gestures that tell us the person needs rea.s.surance.
Smoking gestures can play an important part in a.s.sessing a person"s att.i.tude, as they are usually performed in a predictable, ritualistic manner that can give us important clues to the person"s att.i.tude.
Pipe Smokers Pipe smokers perform a cleaning, lighting, tapping, filling, packing and puffing ritual with their pipes and this is a very useful way to help relieve tension when they are under pressure. Sales research has shown that pipe smokers usually take longer to make a decision to buy than do cigarette smokers or non-smokers and that the pipe ritual is performed most often during the tense moments. of the sales interview. Pipe smokers, it seems, are people who like to stall decision-making and who can do so in an un.o.btrusive and socially acceptable way. If you want a quick decision from a pipe smoker, hide his pipe before the interview.
Cigarette Smokers Like pipe smoking, cigarette smoking is a displacement of inner tension and allows time to stall, but the cigarette smoker generally reaches his decision faster than the pipe smoker. The pipe smoker is, in effect, a cigarette smoker who needs more time to stall in making decisions than his cigarettes allow. The cigarette ritual involves tapping, twisting, flicking, waving and other mini-gestures indicating that the person is experiencing more tension than may be normal.
One particular signal indicates whether the person has a positive or negative att.i.tude towards his circ.u.mstances; the direction in which the smoke is exhaled, whether it is up or down. A person who is feeling positive, superior or confident will blow the smoke in an upward direction most of the time. Conversely, a person in a negative, secretive or suspicious frame of mind will blow the smoke down most of the time. Blowing down and from the corner of the mouth indicates an even more negative or secretive att.i.tude. This, of course, a.s.sumes that the smoker is not blowing the smoke upwards to avoid offending others; in that case, he could have blown the smoke in either direction.
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In motion pictures, the leader of a motorcycle gang or criminal syndicate is usually portrayed as a tough, aggressive person who, as he smokes, tilts his head back sharply and with controlled precision blows the smoke awards the ceiling to demonstrate his superiority to the rest of the gang. In contrast, Humphrey Bogart was often cast as a gangster or criminal who always held his cigarette inverted in his hand and blew the smoke own from the corner of his mouth as he fanned a gaol break or other devious activity. There also appears to be a relationship between how positive or negative the person feels and ie speed at which he or she exhales the poke. The faster the smoke is blown upwards the more superior or confident the person feels; the faster it is blown down, the more negative he feels.
If a card player who is smoking is dealt a G.o.d hand, he is likely to blow the smoke upwards, whereas a poor hand may cause him blow it downwards. Some card players see a "poker face" when playing cards as a method of not displaying any body signals that may give them away, while other players like to be actors and use misleading body language to lull the other players into a false sense of security. If, for example, a poker layer were dealt four aces and he wanted to bluff the other players, he could throw the cards face down on the table in disgust and then curse, swear or fold his arms and put on a non-verbal display that would indicate that he had been dealt a poor hand. But then he quietly sits back and draws on his cigarette and blows the smoke upwards! Having read this chapter, you will now be aware that it would be unwise for the other players to play the next hand as they would probably be beaten. Observation of smoking gestures in selling shows that when a smoker is asked to buy, those who have reached a positive decision blow the smoke upwards, whereas those who have decided not to buy blow it downwards. The alert sales person, seeing the smoke being blown downwards during the close of a sale could quickly resell the customer on all the benefits he would receive by purchasing the product, to allow the customer time to reconsider his decision.
Blowing smoke out through the nostrils is a sign of a superior, confident individual. The smoke is blown downwards only because of the physical location of the nostrils and the person often tilts his head back in a "looking down his nose" position. If the person"s head is down as he nose-blows the smoke, he is angry and is trying to look ferocious, like an angry bull.
Cigar Smokers Cigars have always been used as a means of displaying superiority because of their cost and size. The big-time business executive, the gang leader and people in high-status positions often smoke cigars. Cigars are used to celebrate a victory or achievement such as the birth of a baby, a wedding, clinching a business deal or winning the lottery. It is not surprising that most of the smoke exhaled by cigar smokers is upwards. I recently attended a celebration dinner where cigars were distributed freely and it was interesting to note that of 400 recorded cigar smoke exhalations, 320 were in an upward direction.
General Smoking Signals The continual tapping of a cigar or cigarette end on the ashtray shows that an inner conflict is taking place and that you may need to rea.s.sure the smoker. Here, too, is an interesting smoking phenomenon. Most smokers smoke their cigarette down to a certain length before extinguishing it in the ashtray. If the smoker lights a cigarette and suddenly extinguishes it earlier than he normally would, he has signalled his decision to terminate the conversation. Watching for this termination signal can allow you to take control or to close the conversation, making it appear that it was your idea to end it.
GESTURES WITH GLa.s.sES.
Almost every artificial aid used by man gives its user an opportunity to perform many revealing gestures and this is certainly the case with those who wear gla.s.ses. One of the most common gestures is placing one arm of the frame in the mouth (Figure 127).
Desmond Morris says that the act of putting objects against the lips or in the mouth is a momentary attempt by the person to relive the security he experienced as a baby at his mother"s breast, which means that gla.s.ses-in-mouth is essentially a rea.s.surance gesture. Smokers use their cigarettes for the same reason, and the child sucks his thumb.
Stalling Like pipe smoking, the gla.s.ses-in-mouth gesture can be used to stall or delay a decision. In negotiating, it has been found that this gesture appears most frequently at the close of the discussion when the person has been asked for a decision. The act of continually taking the gla.s.ses off and cleaning the lenses is another method used by gla.s.ses wearers to gain time for a decision. When this gesture is seen immediately after a decision has been asked for, silence is the best tactic.
The gestures that follow this stall gesture signal the person"s intention and allow an alert negotiator to respond accordingly. For example, if the person puts the gla.s.ses back on, this often means that he wants to "see" the facts again, whereas folding the gla.s.ses and putting them away signals an intention to terminate the conversation.
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Peering Over Gla.s.ses Actors in the motion pictures made during the 1920sand 1930s used this peering gesture to portray a critical or judgmental person such as the master of an English public school. Often the person may be wearing reading gla.s.ses and finds it more convenient to look over the tops, rather than removing them to look at the other person. Whoever is on the receiving end of this look may feel as though he is being judged or scrutinised. Looking over the gla.s.ses can be a very costly mistake, as the listener inevitably responds to this look with folded arms, crossed leggy and a correspondingly negative att.i.tude. Gla.s.ses wearers should remove them when speaking and put them back on to listen. This not only relaxes the other person but allows the gla.s.ses wearer to have control of the conversation. The listener quickly learns that when the gla.s.ses are off he must not interrupt the wearer, and when they are put back on he had better start talking.
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Twelve.