Ember turned to stare at him in the darkness. He was hiding something. She knew that ominous aura intimately. "What aren"t you saying?"
Pain played across his features before he sighed quietly. "I didn"t."
"Didn"t what?"
"Sleep with Alura that first time."
Her jaw went slack. "What?"
A tic started in his cheek as he refused to meet her gaze. "She was proud to tell me all about it the day they branded me Ravin. Looked me right in the eyes and spilled the whole story on how she"d drugged me in the bar, got me home to her place, and stripped my clothes off so that in the morning I"d think we had been together. At first, they were going to blackmail me for creds if I didn"t call her for another date. Then she concocted the pregnancy, knowing that my parents would force a marriage if I didn"t propose on my own."
Ember cursed in her head as she realized what her sister had done. That b.i.t.c.h! "She heard us."
"Heard what?"
"Me and Kindel, when we were first talking about plans for the baby." Tears choked her as it dawned on her that none of this had been his fault. Alura had connived against them both.
From the beginning.
And if she ever laid hands to her sister again, she"d choke the life out of her for it. "Those are almost verbatim my words as to why I didn"t want to tell you I was pregnant."
He let out a fierce growl. "We both played into their hands."
"No," she choked. "My fears did. I should have believed in you, Bas."
"And I should have been sober that night she came to the bar and tried to cheer me up after our fun encounter in the landing bay. But I let it get to me."
"I shouldn"t have attacked you like that. I"m so sorry."
He snorted. "Yeah, you should be." In spite of the harshness of his words, there was a teasing note that took the edge off them and let her know he wasn"t being serious. "That dinner date with Alura was the worst night ever. Honestly, I had no interest in her. We didn"t even make it through the second course before I took her home and left her there-without so much as a peck on the cheek."
A part of her wanted to deny the truth of that, but she knew him well enough to recognize the fact he wasn"t lying. Not to mention abandoning dates like that was one of the things he was famous for.
If he learned a woman was out with him for no other reason than he was a visir or if she showed more interest in his money or family than him, date over. There had even been well-publicized cases of him leaving and his security detail being sent in to escort his dates home.
Bastien didn"t play with people"s emotions.
Except for hers.
"Why did you ever go on that date?"
He laughed bitterly. "You were supposed to pitch a fit when I called that night to ask your permission, and tell me no. Show some emotion that there was hope for us. Instead, you gave me permission to date and, or, screw your sister. Those words cut me to the bone. So I thought I"d go to dinner, spend a few hours with her to agitate you, and be done with it all. But Alura got on my nerves so badly by the time we arrived at the restaurant that had she been anyone other than your sister, I"d have taken her straight home. In the end, after we were married and I came to the conclusion she hated me, I figured it was divine retribution for me trying to hurt you when I should have just been patient and given you the time you asked for."
"Why weren"t you?"
"d.a.m.n, Ember. How can you ask that? We were practically living together. You had more stuff in my barracks cell than I did. Then I come back from PT after suffering through my brother"s reaming over my pouting about you to find that you"d cleaned out all my stuff and had me transferred over to my zusa"s division. I felt gutted. In the blink of an eye, you were gone from my life and I didn"t know why, or what I"d done to push you away."
Bastien broke off as he relived that moment when he"d faced the corporal. It was like Ember had never existed. Like he didn"t matter enough to her for her to waste a moment of her time to explain to him what he"d done that was so awful. She was just gone from his life. He"d felt violated.
Worse, he"d felt abandoned.
"You wouldn"t even throw me a bone. After months with nothing from you, and after Alura had told me that you"d never really been interested in me-had only gone out because you were afraid of what I"d do to you and your family if you didn"t and you wanted to hurt her for the fact that you"d caught her sleeping with your ex ... I figured she must be right. How else could you leave like that, without so much as a backward glance?"
Ember winced as she heard the pain in his deep voice. d.a.m.n Alura for knowing both their vulnerabilities. Her sister had put her lies right where they could do the most damage. "Can you ever forgive me?"
"Forgive you? Ember, you"re the only thing that got me through this nightmare."
Leaning back against him, she closed her eyes and tried to come to terms with all the deceptions and years that had separated them.
Because she was an idiot.
"So where does this leave us?"
Bastien"s grip on her tightened. "I don"t know. But now that you"ve told me about Florian, I can"t let you fight with me. I won"t take his mother from him."
"I won"t let you fight alone, and if you don"t stop Barnabas and clear your name, we have no future anyway. He"ll kill Florian if he ever finds him."
Bastien winced at the truth. Barnabas was crazy and had even killed his brother, Jackson, when he feared Jackson might turn against him after the slaughter and expose him.
Not to mention that with Bastien"s conviction still in place, Florian was the rightful heir of Kirovar and should be on the throne. They could legitimately overthrow Barnabas, and his uncle knew it.
It was a miracle and said a lot about Ember"s exceptional skills that she"d been able to keep their son alive and safe all these years. Especially given how normal he"d sounded when they talked. Like any other child in the universe.
Instead, Florian should be in the palaces where Bastien had grown up. He should be spoiled rotten to his little core.
I screwed up everyone"s life....
Sighing from the guilt of it all, Bastien wished he could go back in time and slap the absolute s.h.i.t out of himself. "How did this become our lives, Em? All I wanted was to be holed up on some beach, drinking, and making love to you till I happily died of old age, in my sleep."
Ember laughed at the mere thought of that as Bastien"s life. "You were never that man, Bastien. Since the day I met you, you"ve had your b.a.l.l.s to the wall and one foot in the grave. It"s why your mother was so afraid for you. She knew you were suicidal."
Yet for Ember, he"d have settled down. He"d been willing to give up his career to marry her. He"d even faced down her parents to date her.
A smile tugged at her lips as she remembered the first time her father and Bastien had faced off.
"Captain?" Her father had sneered at Bastien"s patch, and left off the impressive part of Bastien"s status.
"First rank," Bastien had corrected in a move that was as stupid as it was audacious.
Her father had arched a brow at that. "You getting lippy with me, soldier?"
"No, sir. My lips are reserved solely for your daughter."
Her father had started for his throat. But her mother had caught him before he could kill Bastien. "Brandon ... calm down." Then she"d turned to face Bastien with an evil glint in her eyes. "Are you trying to insult us?"
"No, ma"am. Just really nervous. Sadly, whenever I"m nervous, I get stupid, and things come out of my mouth that even I cringe over."
Her father had finally laughed. "Well, at least he"s honest."
"I am that, Commander. Again, stupidly so. And when it comes to Ember, I have a special level of moron that"s reserved solely for her."
"What"s that supposed to mean?"
Bastien had shrugged. "That I"d jump into a decaying hole on fire during a ma.s.sive bombing run and risk a building coming down on me to keep her safe and to protect whatever she loves."
Clapping him on the back, her father had handed him an ale. "Good man. For that, I"ll let you live."
Ember had never known anyone to charm her parents, before or after Bastien. Out of all their daughters" boyfriends, he was the only one they"d ever liked. Him and Tasi the only two that her parents had welcomed in as their own.
Like it or not, he is family. Through their son, she would be forever tied to him.
With that thought on her mind, she leaned forward to reset his nav system.
"What are you doing?"
"Before you take off after Barnabas, don"t you want to meet your son?"
"More than anything."
"That"s what I"m doing."
Bastien stared at her in complete disbelief that she was willing to do this. That she"d actually given him a son and hadn"t abandoned their child. It would have been so easy to give him up and free herself. Instead, she"d risked her life and that of her family to keep his son safe.
That was why he loved her so.
I"m a father....
And with that thought came a whole new fear. "Can I ask a favor?"
"I"m not having s.e.x with you in a fighter. You can forget it, buddy, right now. You"re not that cute in a flightsuit."
He laughed at her droll tone. "Technically you"ve already done that. Years ago. Many times. So I am that cute in and out of a flightsuit. But that wasn"t what I was going to ask."
She dipped her gaze down to his groin, which was painfully swollen and woefully obvious. "No?"
He shook his head. "Can we not tell Florian that I"m his father?"
"Why?"
"In case I die, I don"t want him to have to cope with the pain of it. I"d rather just be a pa.s.sing stranger he meets and never thinks about again."
Ember choked at his words and the thoughtfulness. Bastien had always been that way-except for when he"d accepted Alura"s invitation to dinner.
You can"t hold that against him.
Well, she could. Yet in all fairness to him, he had called her first, and had she not been such a b.i.t.c.h when he asked about it, he wouldn"t have done it. So as much as she"d like to pin it all on his shoulders, she really couldn"t.
She shared as much blame in the fiasco as he did. Unlike the other men in her past, he hadn"t acted behind her back. He"d done everything above board. It"d always been one of his more endearing qualities.
And against her common sense, she leaned back in his arms so that she could touch the dimple on his chin that their son shared. In fact, they shared a lot of traits, which was strange given that they"d never met. "He knows what you look like, Bas."
"How?"
How? Really? All he had to do was look in a mirror. The child was a clone of his father-which had been extremely painful for her at times. They even had the same warped sense of humor, and the need to lip off at the worst possible time. It"d given her a whole new respect for Bastien"s parents and the fact that they hadn"t drowned him as a child.
She smirked at him. "I gave him a photo of you, long ago. He keeps it in his room, next to his bed. And every night after he says his prayers where he asks the G.o.ds to watch over you, he kisses it goodnight and talks to you until he falls asleep."
Raw torment shadowed his eyes before he reached to redo the settings.
Ember stopped him. "Don"t. Let him meet you. Just once. It"s all he"s ever wanted. You both need this, especially if you"re bent on suicide."
Bastien wasn"t so sure about that, because as she said, he didn"t think he"d make it out of this alive, but he didn"t want to argue with her anymore. He"d done that enough for ten lifetimes.
Honestly, he just wanted to be inside her. To make love to her until the universe ceased to exist.
And every heartbeat that pa.s.sed with her squeezed in front of him was its own version of h.e.l.l.
"I should have taken a bigger ship."
Ember smiled at the deepness of his tone. "That"ll teach you to be practical."
She stared at how tense his grip was on the controls. "How long has it been?"
"Since?"
"You had s.e.x?"
Was she serious? "With someone else?"
She squeaked at the question. "Of course. Why would I ask about solo practice?"
His c.o.c.k jerked at the mere mention of the word as disgust filled him. "h.e.l.l, I don"t know."
Scowling, she leaned back so that she could meet his gaze through his crash helmet as she had yet to put hers back on. "What do you mean you don"t know? You were there, weren"t you?"
He snorted at the ridiculous question that she should know the answer to. "I"m Ravin, Em. If anyone sees the mark on my stomach, they"ll know that I"m wanted. Can"t take the risk."
"Are you telling me that you haven"t been with anyone since Alura divorced you?"
"Since long before that."
Both her eyebrows shot up. "Pardon?"
"You have to know that we didn"t have an amicable marriage." And their divorce had been spectacularly violent, given that her parting gift to him had been a death sentence.
"No ... Alura never said anything other than how happy she was and how much you loved her."
In her dreams only ...