BornAndTorn

I was just looking forward and trying to avoid eye contact with her. Yet at that point in time, our relationship had not turned sour. So why was I not looking at her face? The words she said to me were rather fuzzy and I can not clearly remember them. Was she trying to tell me to play with her or convey something my parents wanted me to do?

The mind can be truly interesting, I have no idea why exactly this was the first memory that popped up in my mind. I do not feel that emotionally shaken by the things currently in front of my eyes. Or is this just the silence before the storm, that eventually is going to arise?

Maybe it is just the earliest memory where I noticed that something went wrong. What was the topic we were talking about, I tried my best to recollect it but it was to no avail. I had to move on from this without getting to know the topic behind it.

My next memory took place many years later and I was presenting my grades to my farther. Ah, I remember this scenes vividly. The pressuring silence, the heavy burden of expectations and me knowing that I did not live up to them. I felt like I was walking up to my execution and for good reason. Afterwards, it had always been about my sister and not about me anymore.

It hurts quite a bit to realize that the company has more value than your own flesh and blood. But maybe I am at fault for being a risk to his legacy, to the empire his father had built up from scratch. Maybe his father had raised him with the same mindset or expectations, I can not tell. All I can say is that I never was able to fill the shoes my father wanted me to.

Of course, I was not innocent either. Just swallowing it, bottling all of the frustrations up was certainly not the right way to handle it. Being pa.s.sive-aggressive was also the best method to alienate me from my entire family.

My dear father had seemed so imposing at that time making it hard for me to breathe, being too ashamed to even open my mouth. Looking at him now, all I see is a feeble man. The power and might he had displayed did not fit the image I currently saw of him. What was the intent behind his actions?

Logically speaking the situation was still salvageable and my father would not give up so easily on his heir. Did he want me to stand up for myself and bring forth methods to redeem myself? Given my upbringing, this seems to be likely. Still, he should have known better, that I would not react well to such a situation. In fact, the opposite took place, driving a wedge between me and my father.

So pointless so utterly pointless. Why does it all have to start by something so ludicrously stupid? Was there not any other way to solve this mess? I did not need to become their heir, I did not need a fortune, no special education, no pretentious friends I did not need all of that. What I needed was a father.

And since he and I clearly did not share the same goals, the outcome was pretty obvious. Although actual arguments between me and him were a rare occasion. It"s hard to argue if he was not even present.

All of his time is taken up with the company, running from meeting to meeting talking to investors and distributors, other things are not worth his precious time. At first, I had been carried with him met many "important" faces to make connections for my future. Later this honour fell on my dear sister, who was introduced as the successor.

My initial involvement was quickly forgotten and my sister was fawned upon. The only thing I was actually remembered for was being the failed product of my father. Near the end, my father did not even acknowledge me anymore. He would have disowned me and cut me out from the family if it did not reflect negatively on his beloved company. What a lucky fellow I must be.

Who needs a loving and caring father figure in your life? I should just be content with what I have, not many people had so many privileges. Having your own nanny is certainly more than a suitable replacement. I am such an ungrateful brat, too spoiled for my own good.

I heard all of them talking behind my back. Ignoring all of the gossip and slandering, was the only option I could take. Those remarks plagued me for quite a long time. Until the day I realized, that these people were just trying to distract themselves from their own miserable lives.

Seeing someone of my status being miserable was a great consolation for them. Forgetting about their own miserable existence if only for a moment is something which I can not take away from them.

In a way, I was envious about their ability to forget about their troubles. I did not have the ability to do so. I would only feel way worse after knowing that I had to stoop so low to feel better. Everyone has their own troubles and worries it did not feel right to lighten my burden by putting down others.

I am neither my father, mother or my sister who could not care any less about others. All that matters to them are the things they have set their eyes upon. Everything else that is useless will be discarded or thrown away.

Besides I am not any better than them. While I do not resort to such measures I am still indifferent to their acts and what happens to anyone else. That makes me even worse than them, those who are aware of evil being committed and still look away are the real sc.u.m.

Because it is due to people like me, that evil of such magnitude can happen in the first place. Willful ignorance is what enables these people to do whatever they please. Even worse I still do not care about others in the slightest.

I do not believe in altruism. we humans are way too imperfect to such a concept to work out. Subjecting everyone under the law and evening the playing field for everyone might seem like a n.o.ble idea, but those in power are above it.

This does not mean they can not behold accountable if they go too far. It is a fickle act of balance, because if the ma.s.ses, the very foundation of society start to move, then there is no way their power will save them.

But people have grown too apathetic to care. They do not see them as villains anymore. They change did not happen overnight. Piece by piece was taken away from them and they were told to see each other as the enemy but no the one responsible for the change.

Sadly this is a necessary evil, why else would it have been the most peaceful era? Everything comes at a price. Those at the top will do anything to hold onto it. Whether that means eliminating the opposition or accepting some form of stability.

In my former world, a frail status quo was achieved by that matter. Wars and dictatorships still came and go but the world calmed down. Whether or not it is justified, is up to debate. But it is effective, that can not be denied.

While I had drifted off the memory had continued with the nearly endless silence between me and my father. But I had already lost interest in this memory, relieving it did not stir up any emotions in me. It was just that my perspective had shifted after coming into this world. Things that seemed imposing before lost its l.u.s.tre.

I began to focus on the next person in my family which was suitable to cause emotional distress in me, that person was my dear mother. My dear mother would always be described as an angel, that is nice to everyone. If my father was the spokesperson of the company then she was the backbone.

With an above-average appearance and an incomparable thirst for recognition, she was the perfect addition to my father. Her ability to socialize was a great benefit, which she often took advantage of. She was always under a lot of stress, constantly trying to curry favour and her best to suck up to the person, she wanted something from.

Having such a disgrace as her son was quite a roadblock for her great endeavour. Her image was ruined by being a.s.sociated with the likes of me. Sadly for her, it is hard to deny the biological ties. The gossip about their inept son spread like wildfire. It became the talk amongst everyone in her social standing. It does not take much to guess the outcome.

Since her husband was preoccupied with the love of his life, she had no shoulder to cry on either. This much was to be expected, this had never been a marriage born out of love. At least not for my mother, she was just after my father"s last name.

In the end, she found solace in a bottle. It became her best company when everything felt unbearable for her. With the alcohol came a terrible temper and mood swings. On good days she would only berate me, calling me all sort of names and then finally falling asleep after she had tired her self out. Next morning everyone everything would be fine again and she became an angel once more.

On bad days, however, the angel lost all of her composure. This time she was not satisfied with throwing words at me. Her acts became a lot more physical. All I could do was endure all of her wraths while apologizing over and over again.

Sorry for being born. I will never do it again. I am just a waste of s.p.a.ce. The world would be better off without me.

Seeing myself being beaten over and over again did not fill me with resentment as much as I had hoped for. I just felt pity, there was no other emotion in me. Back then I had quickly learned how to endure her fits and to just wait until it was all over. Her punches did not even hurt anymore. Partly because her form is absolutely terrible and that the worst part had always been the emotional wounds she left me with.

I just accepted that everything was my fault and moved on. It is scary how the human brain adapts to things like this. Especially since I tried to rationalize who is to blame in this situation. Only to truly understand the underlying dynamic later on when it was already too late.

She was no after my apologies, nor did she truly care about me at all. This was nothing more than her way of venting her frustrations and having full control over me. She, the one having to constantly suck up to others, enjoyed the experience of looking down on others.

After I left the house to attend university she made the unfortunate personal her target. By receiving a nice monetary compensation their silence was ensured. People are willing to bear a lot for the sake of their children and my mother knew how to exploit that.

Should I resent my mother for her insane and vile acts? Probably, but in the I truly feel nothing about it. Why should I give her the satisfaction of still controlling my emotions? Does this lowlife really deserve that much? I will not grant her that satisfaction.

My mother died for me long before I pa.s.sed away. She was just like any other person to me. I came to the conclusion, that I could leave all of this madness behind by limiting my exposure to this toxic individual.

All of a sudden an all too familiar laugh appeared in my head. It sounded pleasant but it stirred a deep loathing inside of me. It belonged to my sister.

" Oh, dear you did not change at all." A woman of considerable beauty appeared in front of me. She had long brown hair and her eyes appeared intelligent. With her pet.i.te nose and sweet smile, she charmed both genders alike. But looks can be deceiving because I know all too well what is hiding behind those brown eyes.

" You always try to run away from your problems. Avoiding confrontation at any cost. You did this in your former world and continue to do so in this world. So it should not be any surprise to you, that it is going to end the same way."

A chair manifested behind her, which she elegantly sat down upon.

" The idea to free yourself by forcefully remembering traumatic past events was a step in the right direction but utterly pointless if you still try to rationalize everything to shield yourself from your own emotions."

The tone in her voice sounded teaching just as I was used to. It really reminded me of my home.

" Even now you do not even try to face me. You just barely manage to muster the courage to look at me. And once again, you have chosen the easy way out. How do you expect things to change when all you do is follow the same old routine?"

Sitting lazily at the chair she looks at me with pity in her eyes.

" A prodigy, a genius, a failure, an idiot. You always thought that none of these labels would do you justice. You are painfully aware, that there will always be someone out there better than you. But is acting like an idiot and selling your self short the best you could come up with? By trying to fool everyone, you only became the fool yourself."

Her posture did not change as she calmly told me all of this.

" Was that your idea of getting back at everyone? All of that just to burden your parents with some slight inconvenience? Are you that petty? If it were me I would have just played my part, until I had regained full control before giving them a taste of their own medicine. But just as usual, you ran away."

Behind her countless fragments of memories appeared, each depicting an instance where I lowered my head or escaped with the tail between my legs. Whether it was from my parents, from my sister, from my peers, or even from myself.

" It runs like a thread through your life. Regardless of where you look, you have always chosen to run away. How do you expect to deal with others, when you can not even deal with yourself? Your answer to this question is even more pathetic, then merely running away. "

Her gaze turned sharp and tension filled the air.

" Not even trying to find an answer to that question is the most despicable thing you could have chosen. At least running away from your problems is an answer. Do you think that your death would absolve you from your feelings of guilt? Just how naive are you?"

The previous tranquillity appeared once more as my sister appeared to be bored by my lack of reaction.

" You will never be able to make enough amends to ease your troubled mind. The past can not be undone and one right does not make up for a lifetime of wrongs. What a truly lamentable fate. In this new life, you are still being held captive by the shackles of your past."

My sister rose from the chair with elegance before she approached me and slowly danced around me.

" You are a liar, you are deceiver, you are a cynic. But has anyone ever seen your real face? What is hidden underneath that mask of insecurities? I do not have to tell you, you are already aware of it yourself. After all, I am merely a projection of your sub-consciousness."

She stopped right in front of me and looked me directly in the eyes.

" Are you afraid of yourself"? A wicked smile appeared on her face

"Or are you afraid of losing your self?"