BornAndTorn

This sentiment of mine was put to a test, as the battle against my onlooker continued. Truth be told, calling it a battle was rather generous. I was just being toyed with and made fun off. A game of cat-and-mouse was a suitable description.

And this fact p.i.s.sed me off. I am not your toy, you can watch and scoff at. I will never bow down in front of the burdens you place on me. If I have to suffer then so be it, but I can guarantee, the satisfactory end will not come.

Such a vile b.a.s.t.a.r.d increasing the pressure on my shoulders until till I collapse only to lessen it again. I will overcome my limits and I spit at your entertainment. Laugh, while you still can, I am going to wipe that smirk out of your face.

I fall to my knees, the pressure lessens I stand back up, the pressure increases. Over and over again, I become the subject of his acts of kindness as I am fueled by my hatred for being perceived as a toy.

I stared into the dark, despite being unable to see I decided to give it the best grin I could muster. I wanted to show, that despite all the trouble I am facing, I am still smiling. You have no control over me and all you subject me to will not break through my smile.

What else have you planned for me? Do you realize, that all you put me through will not enough to force me into submission? In the end, you are the one going to feel despair, knowing that despite all of your efforts, you failed to achieve the result you yearn for.

Look at me, this is not the face of someone you can freely make a fool out of. You best take a good long look at it, you will remember it for a long time to come. I will make you regret choosing me as your target for your twisted desires.

Even after vomiting due to the sheer exhaustion that my mind and body suffered from I pushed myself up, after reminding myself of the perversion. With a big smile, I pressed my worn-out body forwards again, to spite my audience again and again.

I did not know how much time had pa.s.sed or how many times I stood up again. I stopped counting after the tenth time. It was either standing up or giving it the result it craved for. Seeking for a deeper meaning in this kind of event was pointless.

Finding something so arbitrary in a battle of attrition was a waste of time and having the time to ponder on such an issue, was another luxury in itself, which I could not afford. That is why I sternly ignored every thought of such a nature and forced myself to solely focus on getting up and taking another step.

Whenever I felt a presence close to me I threw an attack with my arms and legs trying to cause an injury but this was to no avail. I never managed to actually hit my target and the air does not care about my punches and kicks.

Time and time again I collapse and force my body to get up once more. My steps were shaky, my body groggy and my other senses became increasingly distant and faint. Yet, I did one step after another.

In the vast darkness I saw, I found myself in a seemingly endless loop with certain doom waiting for me. Even with a clear obsession to prove my spectator wrong I could not get rid of the thought what would await me once I did not manage to move this body of mine.

What were to come once the flesh can not follow the mind? There is a point, in which my body would fail me and all of my struggles would have been for nought. I shook my head, this was the wrong outlook to have. If my body fails, then it will never be for nought. It means I have given my all and fought until the event to avoid giving in.

Or simply said, that when the time comes where I can not stand up anymore, I have done my utmost. It did not take long, for me to figure out that my mind has started to follow a dangerous route once again.

When I can not stand up anymore, I should crawl until I lose my consciousness. By giving myself an out, I only hinder myself and set my self up for failure. Old habits surely die hard. Cursing my old self I moved my body on, despite it aching all over.

In a weird way the pain that had previously brought me down, became a confirmation that I was still giving my all. Having m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic tendencies was a new side that I discovered about myself. I was more then certain, that I would feel a burning shame if I still had the energy to actually do so.

But my mind was a mess for quite some time now. Traces of logic could only be found from time to time, the rest was an animalistic instinct to stand up and take a step. Any other higher cognitive function had been turned off.

I tried my best to stay aware of my surroundings and my actions, but it kept on slipping away. Though I really liked this mindless feeling, it was liberating me from all the worries and pain that my body was confronted with.

Yet this liberation was not the main reason, it was the feeling of an empty mind, that is not terrorized by my own thoughts. Free of all the self-imposed responsibilities, I started to marvel at the simplicity of my mind and body.

I never had imagined stumbling on such a wondrous sensation in such a mindboggling situation. My body did its task and continued to maintain the act of standing up after falling down, but this mindless activity did not matter to me in this instance.

I was caught in this moment and I wanted to savour this feeling as long as I could. Yet, just like the memories losing myself in such a sweet temptation is not the reality I strive for. I want a life worth living, worth dying for not such a distraction, that makes me feel good in the very moment.

My life should not be about choosing the easy way out or following the path of the least resistance. Life is something raw, neither bad nor good. A fable might be a good night story for children but that is just not how life works.

Slapping myself yet again I got ahold of my body once more. Removing myself out of that wonderful state of might was regrettable but it needed to be done. Escapenaismn is never an option.

Strangely the pain I felt had lessened and the pressure my body felt was almost negligible now. Despite the favourable outcome, I could not find any correlation after mulling over the matter for quite some time.

My mind was clear and my senses returned to their normal sensitivity. Only the darkness remained as my eyes did not perceive anything other than the abysmal layer of black. Although my lack of sight was a problem, that needed to be dealt with as soon as possible, I still had to get out of this situation.

My onlooker had yet to take action, despite me standing still for quite some time now. Was it gauging the situation or thinking about motivating me again. Regardless, there must be a reason for its inaction. If luck is on my side, it simply can not attack me for some uncertain reason. In the worst-case scenario, I had been dancing in its palms for the entire duration.

Seems like asking for odds in my favour would be too much. I will just continue to tell myself that in times of distress humans grow the most. Though I could not help myself from enjoying a situation like this. Only under this kind of circ.u.mstances can I finally begin to truly understand what feelings are.

If this search ends with me losing my life, then it was just not supposed to be. I was certain I could feel my lips curling into a smirk as I became mentally prepared for any hardships I might face. Unlike my previous expression, this smile came from the bottom of my heart.

Each step was now done with utter ease, making me wonder whether the previous pain was just another fabrication of my mind and I was played with yet again. Should that be the case, I will find a way to break through it once more.

The laugh I had heard in my surroundings had changed into a calm and collected voice, although I failed to understand a single word. I could not stop myself from being wary of it since, despite its peaceful sound, something inside of me did not feel right when hearing it.

Keeping my distance I tried to listen for traces that would indicate a movement or an attack but nothing came. Only the faint sound of my breathing came to my ears, as I pondered about the purpose of the voice.

Trying to understand the words spoken to be was out of the question. I might be intelligent, but I am not a supercomputer or the protagonist in a wish-fulfilment story. There is no G.o.d kissing my a.s.s and giving me the ability to understand the language.

The language itself sounds beautiful and soft in its p.r.o.nunciation but it still remained intelligible for me. Any attempts at conversing were destined to end in failure. And do not get me started about the existence of magic.

I have no confirmation if it even exists outside of my fabricates memories. This entire world in front of my blind eyes is shrouded in mystery. Trying to understand it needed a lot more time, then I currently had at my disposal.

I had a general idea of how to test my theories about this world, but this endeavour had to wait until my life was threatened by an unknown ent.i.ty. I should prioritize how to escape out of this situation and not waste my focus on different matters altogether.

The voice continued to enter my ears with me the same intensity, but I had not come closer to it after taking so many steps. This would imply that either I did not move or the being moved with me.

Both possibilities only raise more questions and I still do not know whether I am on the right path or not. I am very happy to be a part of this spectacle. This emotional state must be known as antic.i.p.ation. This world is a true gift that keeps on giving.

The voice reverberated through the air once more but this time around It penetrated my ears and shot directly into my brain. Yelping in sheer pain, I came to the conclusion, that my lack of reaction certainly had been interpreted as a provocation.

The warning I received was loud and clear. Though I still had no idea, how I could avoid my brain being fried by this mighty voice alone. If we do not speak the same language, it might be able to interpreter the intent behind my words.

Although this choice might have some risks that come with it, walking forward aimlessly was not a solution to get out of this ma.s.s either way. I chose English to convey my message because on the off-chance that all of this is related to my memories, it has a higher chance of being understood.

" I am terribly sorry for the inconvenience, but due to my inability to understand the language you are speaking, I find myself unable to converse with you. I hope that my sincere apology will be enough to prevent any further misunderstandings" I did a deep bow to underline how important the matter truly was to me.

To my dismay, I had to realize that my good intentions fell on deaf ears, as I was terrorized by another sound attack. Although speaking louder did not give his words any more weight, they sure rang in my ears for a long time afterwards.

" f.u.c.k you too" I mumbled, as I was complaining about the tinnitus I just had received. Cursing at the ent.i.ty for such an unfair treatment seemed more than appropriate. Since he could not understand my language, then I can curse at him for all I want, provided I sound happy and retain my smile.

Although this method will also not lead me out of this mess, it certainly helps me in blowing some of my steam. As for the warnings in my hand to not curse the G.o.ds and keep my mouth shut, those were something I could not care less about.

I do not give a s.h.i.t about stuff like that If no one is capable of understanding English.

Suddenly I had a bad feeling that something was amiss, as my senses heightened I tried to locate the source of the danger. But nothing came and I heard a taunting laugh in the distance. Any form of consideration I might have had is now gone from my mind.

Just as I started to lay down my guard, a sudden attack came close to me. Without even thinking about what actually came at me I twisted my entire torso to just barely dodge the attack aimed at me.

What a crafty son of a b.i.t.c.h, why is he employing such tactics against me? A taste of my own medicine? This situation has become a lot more interesting just now. A psychological battle is much more to my liking then just using brute force. Though it will need more than robbing my sight and to use such a tactic to outwit me.

I was thankful for the training I had gone through with the flames albeit it being fake. Because before I had realized it, I felt the danger coming from all directions. Right afterwards I found myself dancing under the various attacks that I barely managed to avoid.

I was clearly being put under a gruelling test, as all of these attacks seemed to disappear once I was not able to avoid them entirely and once again I felt a feeling of anger rise in me because I was not taken for full.

But I quickly snuffed it out, because I know that now was not the time to let my thinking be disturbed by hurt ego. Because me being tested means, that the ent.i.ty has plans for me. Having come to such a conclusion, I did my best to leave a suitable impression. I might never know what this ent.i.ty has planned for me.

Though afterwards I was left wondering what exactly this plan might be. I heard many different words that sounded ominous but in the end, nothing happened to me. Should I be glad that nothing came afterwards or be afraid of that detail, I could not tell.

Staring into the darkness, that seemed all too familiar, I could not make out anything other than it. It is scary how quickly I have become used to a change of such magnitude. Would it not be normal to be afraid of losing your vision?

Yet, in this black nothingness, I was at home. It must be related to the countless memories I had watched in my mind as the darkness I stare into shares a high resemblance to the one I had come into contact in the back of my mind.

This change was not a restriction or a handicap for me. Far from it, I saw in it my change to witness this world in its truest form. Not being distracted by beautiful appearances, I could witness the world in its most beautiful form.

Rather than seeing the world in black or white or different shades of grey, I could see it for what it really is. I was not robbed of my sight, I was given a chance to truly see the world. My view of the world would undoubtedly be positively affected by this change. Furthermore, I could not deny, that not seeing the ugliness of this world might be a good way to not be tainted by it

If all I see is darkness, then it is my duty to find a light. Because darkness itself is ultimately the absence of light. But to truly understand my darkness, I will need to understand light as well.

One can not exist without the other and one is never whole without the other.

Someone once said that the beauty of a moment is not defined by its timelessness but rather in its frailty. We learn the true value of something, by knowing its counterpart. For health there is sickness, for happiness there is sadness and for life there is death.

If I truly want to understand emotions, I will have to experience those to truly comprehend what gives them their weight.

I have to find the light if all I see is nothing but the dark.