With their faces close together and his vivid blue eyes staring into hers, Lottie felt a blush climbing her face. aYou were very wicked that night.a His fingertip eased into the shallow valley between her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. aNot nearly as wicked as I wanted to beaa The sound of the front door being soundly rapped echoed through the entrance hall and drifted into the parlor. Withdrawing his hand, Nick listened as Mrs. Trench went to answer the door, telling the visitor that neither Lord Sydney nor his wife was receiving callers.
The reminder of their beleaguered privacy caused Nick to scowl. aThat does it. I want to get out of London.a aWhom shall we visit? Lord Westcliff would be perfectlya"a aNo.a aAll right, then,a Lottie continued, unruffled. aThe Cannons are in residence at Silverhilla"a aG.o.d, no. Iam not spending a fortnight under the same roof as my brother-in-law.a aWe could go to Worcestershire,a Lottie suggested. aSophia says that the restoration of the Sydney estate is nearly complete. She has made no secret of the fact that she wants you to view the results of her efforts.a He shook his head instantly. aI have no desire to see that accursed place.a aYour sister has gone to great efforta"you wouldnat want to hurt her feelings, would you?a aNo one asked her to do all that. Sophia took it upon herself, and Iall be d.a.m.ned if I have to shower her with grat.i.tude for it.a aIave heard that Worcestershire is quite beautiful.a Lottie let a wistful note enter her voice. aThe air would be so much nicer therea"London in summer is dreadful. And someday I would like to see the place where you were born. If you do not wish to go now, I understand, buta"a aThere are no servants,a he pointed out triumphantly.
aWe could travel with a skeleton staff. Wouldnat it be pleasant to stay in the country at our own home, rather than visit someone else? Just for a fortnight?a Nick was silent, his eyes narrowing. Lottie sensed the conflict in him, the desire to please her warring with his fierce reluctance to return to the place he had left all those years ago. To confront those memories and recall the pain of being orphaned so suddenly would not be pleasant for him.
Lottie lowered her gaze before he could see the compa.s.sion that he would surely misread. aI will tell Sophia that we will accept her invitation some other time. She will understanda"a aIall go,a he said brusquely.
Lottie looked at him in surprise. He was visibly tense, clad in invisible armor. aIt isnat necessary,a she said. aWeall go somewhere else, if you prefer.a He shook his head, his mouth twisting sardonically. aFirst you want to stay in Worcestershire, then you donat. d.a.m.n, but women are perverse.a aIam not being perverse,a she protested. aItas just that I donat want you to go and then be vexed with me for the entire stay.a aIam not vexed. Men donat get avexed.aa aAnnoyed? Exasperated? Irked?a She offered him a tender smile, wishing that she could protect him from nightmares and memories and the demons inside himself.
Nick began to reply, but as he stared at her, he seemed to forget what word he would have chosen. Reaching for her, he suddenly checked the movement. As Lottie watched him, he stood from the settee and left the parlor with startling swiftness.
The journey to Worcestershire would normally last a full day, long enough that most travelers of reasonable means would elect to travel for part of one day, stay overnight at a tavern, and arrive later in the morning. However, Nick insisted that they make the trip virtually without stopping, except to change horses and obtain a few refreshments.
Although Lottie tried to take the arrangement in stride, she found it difficult to maintain a cheerful facade. The carriage ride was arduous, the roads were of uneven quality, and the constant rattling and swaying of the vehicle made her slightly nauseous. As Nick saw her discomfort, his expression became grim and resolute, and the atmosphere disintegrated into silence.
A skeleton staff had been sent the day before their arrival, to stock the kitchen and ready the rooms. As had been previously agreed, the Cannons would visit the estate the following morning. Conveniently, Sir Rossas country seat at Silverhill was only an hour away.
The last faint glow of the setting sun was retreating from the sky by the time the carriage reached Worcestershire. From what Lottie could see, the county was fertile and prosperous. Rich green meadows and tidily groomed farms covered the level earth, occasionally giving way to verdant hills covered with fat white sheep. The webbing of ca.n.a.ls that spread from the rivers graced the area with easy routes for trade and commerce. Any average visitor to Worcestershire would surely react to the scenery with pleasure. However, Nick became increasingly morose, emanating sullen reluctance from every pore with each turn of the wheels that brought them closer to the Sydney lands.
At last they turned onto a long, narrow drive that extended for a mile before a stately house came into view. Light from the outside lamps cast a warm glow over the entranceway and caused the front windows to glitter like black diamonds. Eagerly Lottie pushed aside the curtains at the carriage windows to obtain a better view.
aItas lovely,a she said, her heart beating fast with excitement. aJust as Sophia described.a The large Palladian-style house was handsome, if unexceptional, the combination of red brick, white columns, and precise pediments designed with tidy symmetry. Lottie loved it at first sight.
The carriage stopped before the entranceway. Nick was expressionless as he descended from the vehicle and helped Lottie down. They climbed the steps to the double doors, and Mrs. Trench welcomed them into a large, oval-shaped hall floored with gleaming rose-colored marble.
aMrs. Trench,a Lottie said warmly, ahow are you?a aVery well, my lady. And you?a aTired, but relieved to be here at last. Have you encountered any difficulties with the house so far?a aNo, my lady, but there is much to be done. A single day was scarcely sufficient to prepare thingsaa aThat is all right,a Lottie said with a smile. aAfter the long journey, Lord Sydney and I will require nothing more than a clean place to sleep.a aThe bedrooms are in order, my lady. Shall I show you upstairs at once, or will you want some supperaa The housekeeperas voice trailed away as she glanced at Nick.
Following her gaze, Lottie saw that her husband was staring at the main hall of the house as if transfixed. He seemed to be watching a play that no one else could see, his gaze following invisible actors as they crossed the stage to speak their lines. His face was flushed, as if from fever. Wordlessly he wandered through the hall as if he were alone, exploring with the hesitancy of a lost young boy.
Lottie did not know how to help him. One of the hardest things shead ever have to do was to summon a casual tone as she replied to the housekeeper, but somehow she managed it.
aNo, thank you, Mrs. Trench. I donat believe that we will require supper. Perhaps you will have some water and a bottle of wine sent to our room. And have the maids take out just a few things for tonight. They can unpack the rest of it tomorrow. In the meanwhile, Lord Sydney and I will have a look around.a aYes, my lady. I will see that your personal articles are set out immediately.a The housekeeper strode away, calling out instructions to a pair of maids, who rushed quickly through the hall.
As the overhead chandelier had been left unlit, the shadowy atmosphere was relieved by only two lamps. Following her husband, Lottie approached the archway at one end of the hall, which opened to a portrait gallery. The air was laced with the crisp scents of new wool carpeting and fresh paint.
Lottie studied Nickas profile as he gazed at the conspicuously bare walls of the gallery. She guessed that he was remembering the paintings that had once occupied the empty s.p.a.ces. aIt seems weall have to acquire some artwork,a she remarked.
aThey were all sold to pay off my fatheras debts.a Moving closer, Lottie pressed her cheek against the broadcloth of his coat, where the edge of his shoulder flowed into the hard swell of his muscular arm. aWill you show me the house?a Nick was silent for a long moment. When he glanced into her upturned face, his eyes were bleak with the knowledge that there was nothing left of the boy who had once lived here. aNot tonight. I need to see it alone.a aI understand,a Lottie said, slipping her hand into his. aI am quite fatigued. Certainly I would prefer to tour the house tomorrow morning, in the daylight.a His fingers returned the pressure with a barely discernable squeeze, and then he let go. aIall take you upstairs.a She pressed her lips into the shape of a smile. aNo need. Iall have Mrs. Trench or one of the servants accompany me.a A clock from somewhere in the house chimed half past midnight by the time Nick finally entered the bedroom. Unable to sleep despite her exhaustion, Lottie had retrieved a novel from one of her valises and had stayed up reading until the book was half finished. The bedroom was a cozy haven, the bed richly appareled with an embroidered silk counterpane and matching hangings, the walls painted in a soft shade of green. Becoming absorbed in the story, Lottie read until she heard the creak of a floorboard.
Seeing Nick in the doorway, Lottie set the novel on the bedside table. Patiently she waited for him to speak, wondering how many memories had been stirred by his walk through the house, how many silent ghosts had traversed his path.
aYou should sleep,a he said eventually.
aSo should you.a Lottie turned back the covers. After an extended pause, she asked, aWill you come to bed with me?a His gaze slid over her, lingering on the ruffled front of her nightrail, the kind of prim, high-necked gown that never failed to arouse him. He looked so alone, so disenchantedavery much the way he had appeared when they had first met.
aNot tonight,a he said for the second time that evening.
Their gazes caught and held. Lottie knew that she would be wise to maintain a facade of relaxed unconcern. To be patient with him. Her demands, her frustrations, would only drive him away.
But to her horror, she heard herself say baldly, aStay.a They both knew that she was not asking for a few minutes, or a few hours. She wanted the entire night.
aYou know I canat do that,a came his soft reply.
aYou wonat harm me. Iam not afraid of your nightmares.a Lottie sat up, staring at his still face. Suddenly she could not stem a flood of reckless words, her voice becoming raw with emotion. aI want you to stay with me. I want to be close to you. Tell me what I should do or say to make that happen. Tell me, please, because I canat seem to stop myself from wanting more than youare willing to give.a aYou donat know what youare asking for.a aI promise you that I would nevera"a aIam not asking for rea.s.surances or promises,a he said harshly. aIam stating a fact. There is a part of me that you donat want to know.a aIn the past youave asked me to trust you. In return I ask you to trust me now. Tell me what happened to give you such nightmares. Tell me what haunts you so.a aNo, Lottie.a But instead of leaving, Nick remained in the room, as if his feet would not obey the dictates of his brain.
Suddenly Lottie understood the extent of his tortured longing to confide in her, and his equally potent belief that she would reject him once he did. He had begun to sweat heavily, his skin gleaming like wet bronze. A few strands of sable hair adhered to the moist surface of his forehead. Her longing to touch him was untenable, but somehow she remained where she was.
aI wonat turn away from you,a she said steadily. aNo matter what it is. It happened on the prison hulk, didnat it? It has to do with the real Nick Gentry. Did you kill him, so that you could take his place? Is that what torments you?a She saw from the way Nick flinched that she had struck close to the truth. The crack in his defenses widened, and he shook his head, trying to navigate past the breach. Failing, he gave her a glance filled with equal parts of rebuke and desperation. aIt didnat happen that way.a Lottie refused to look away from him. aThen how?a The lines of his body changed, relaxing into a sort of wretched resignation. He leaned one shoulder against the wall, facing partially away from her, his gaze arrowing to some distant point on the floor.
aI was sent to the hulk because I was responsible for a manas death. I was fourteen at the time. I had joined a group of highwaymen, and an old man died when we robbed his carriage. Soon afterward we were all tried and convicted. I was too ashamed to tell anyone who I wasa"I simply gave my name as John Sydney. The other four in the gang were hanged in short order, but because of my age, the magistrate handed me a lesser sentence. Ten months on theScarborough .a aSir Ross was the magistrate who sentenced you,a Lottie murmured, remembering what Sophia had told her.
A bitter smile twisted Nickas mouth. aLittle did either of us know that we would someday be brothers-in-law.a He slouched harder against the wall. aAs soon as I set foot on the hulk, I knew that I wasnat going to last a month there. A quick hanging would have been far more merciful. Duncombeas Academy, they called the ship, Duncombe being the officer in command. Half of his prisoners had just been cleared out by a round of gaol fever. They were the lucky ones.
aThe hulk was smaller than the others anch.o.r.ed just offsh.o.r.e. It was fitted for one hundred prisoners, but they crammed half again that amount into one large area belowdeck. The ceiling was so low that I couldnat stand fully upright. Prisoners slept on the bare floor or on a platform built on either side of the deck. Each man was allowed to have sleeping s.p.a.ce that was six feet long, twenty inches wide. We were double-ironed much of the time, and the constant rattling of chains was almost more than I could stand.
aThe smell was the worst of it, though. We were seldom allowed to washa"there was always a shortage of soap, and we had to rinse with seawater. And no through ventilation, just a row of portholes left open on the seaward side. As a result, the reek was so powerful that it would overcome the guards who first opened the hatches in the morningsa"once I even saw one of them faint from it. During the time that we were locked down from early evening until the hatches were opened at daybreak, prisoners were left entirely to themselves, with no guards or officers to observe them.a aWhat did the prisoners do then?a Lottie asked.
His lips parted in a feral grin that made her shiver. aGambled, fought, made escape plans, and b.u.g.g.e.red each other.a aWhat does that word mean?a Nick shot her a swift glance, seeming startled by the question. aIt means rape.a Lottie shook her head in bewilderment. aBut a man canat be raped.a aI a.s.sure you,a Nick said sardonically, ahe can. And it was something I had a rather strong desire to avoid. Unfortunately boys of my agea"fourteen, fifteena"were the most likely victims. The reason I stayed safe for a time was because I had made friends with another boy who was a bit older and a d.a.m.ned sight more hard-bitten than I.a aNick Gentry?a aYes. He watched over me when I slept, taught me ways to defend myselfahe made me eat to stay alive, even when the food was so foul that I could barely swallow it. Talking with him kept my mind occupied during the days when I thought I would go insane from having nothing to do. I wouldnat have lived without him, and I knew it. I was terrified of the day he would leave the hulk. Six months after Iad boarded theScarborough , Gentry told me that he was due to be released in a week.a The look on his face caused Lottieas insides to tighten into cold knots. aOnly one week left, after surviving two years in that h.e.l.lhole. I should have been glad for him. I wasnat. All I could think about was my own safety, which wasnat going to last five minutes after he left.a He stopped, sliding deeper into the memories.
aWhat happened?a Lottie asked quietly. aTell me.a His face went blank. His soul had clenched hard around the secrets, refusing to release them. A strange, cold smile flickered on his lips as he spoke with utter self-contempt. aI canat.a Lottie stiffened her legs to keep from leaping out of bed and rushing to him. The heat of unshed tears filled her eyes as she stared at his dark, shadowed form. aHow did Gentry die?a she asked.
His throat worked, and he shook his head.
Faced with his silent struggle, Lottie sought for some way to tip the balance. aDonat be afraid,a she whispered. aIall stay with you no matter what.a Averting his face, he squinted fiercely, as if he had just been exposed to brilliant light after spending too long in the dark. aOne night I was attacked by one of the prisoners. His name was Styles. He dragged me off the platform while I was sleeping and pinned me to the floor. I fought like h.e.l.l, but he was twice my size, and no one was going to interfere. They were all afraid of him. I called out to Gentry, to pull the b.a.s.t.a.r.d off of me before he coulda"a Breaking off, he made a strange sound, a shaky laugh that contained no trace of humor.
aAnd did he help you?a Lottie asked.
aYesathe stupid b.a.s.t.a.r.d.a His breath caught in a low sob. aHe knew there was no point in doing a d.a.m.n thing for me. If I wasnat b.u.g.g.e.red right then, I would be after he was released. I shouldnat have asked for his help, and he shouldnat have given it. But he drove Styles off, andaa Another long silence pa.s.sed. aDid Nick die during the fight?a Lottie made herself ask.
aLater that night. Head made an enemy of Styles by helping me, and retribution wasnat long in coming. Just before morning, Styles strangled Nick in his sleep. By the time I realized what had happened, it was too late. I went to Nickatried to make him wake up, to breathe. He wouldnat move. He turned cold in my arms.a His jaw shook, and he cleared his throat roughly.
Lottie couldnat let it end there, without knowing the full story. aHow did you switch places with Gentry?a aEvery morning the a.s.sistant medical officer and one of the guards came down to collect the bodies of the men who had died during the night, of disease, or starvation, or something they called adepression of the spirits.a Those who hadnat finished dying were taken up to the forecastle. I pretended to be ill, which wasnat difficult at that point. They took us both up to the deck, and asked who I was, and if I knew the dead manas name. The guards knew hardly any of the prisonersa"to them we were all the same. And I had changed clothes with hisahis corpse, so they had little reason to doubt me when I told them I was Nick Gentry, and the dead boy was John Sydney. For the next few days I stayed in the forecastle, feigning illness so I wouldnat be sent back down to the prison deck. The other men whoad been brought there were too sick or weak to give a d.a.m.n what I called myself.a aAnd soon you were released,a Lottie said quietly, ain Gentryas place.a aHe was buried in a ma.s.s grave near the docks, while I went free. And now his name is more real to me than my own.a Lottie was overwhelmed. No wonder he had wanted to keep Nick Gentryas name. In some way he must have felt that he could keep a part of him alive by retaining it. The name had been a talisman, a new beginning. She couldnat begin to understand the amount of shame he had attached to his true ident.i.ty, believing that he was responsible for his friendas death. It wasnat his fault, of course. But even if she could make him admit the flaws in his reasoning, she could never expunge his guilt.
Lottie slipped out of bed, the thick-piled wool carpeting p.r.i.c.kling beneath her bare soles. As she approached him, she was swamped in a sense of utter inadequacy. If she treated him with kindness, he would receive it as pity. If she said nothing, he would take it as a sign of scorn or disgust.
aNick,a she said softly, but he would not face her. She went to stand before him, listening to the broken pattern of his breathing. aYou did nothing wrong in calling out for help. And he wanted to help you, as any true friend would. Neither of you did anything wrong.a He dragged his sleeve over his eyes and drew a shuddering breath. aI stole his life.a aNo,a she said urgently. aHe wouldnat have wanted you to stay therea"whom would it have served?a A hot trickle touched the corner of her lips, flavoring them with salt. How well she understood guilt, the self-hatred it caused, especially in the absence of forgiveness. And the person that Nick needed forgiveness from was dead. aHe canat be here to absolve you,a she said. aBut Iam going to speak for him. If he could, he would tell you, aYouare forgiven. Itas all right now. Iam at peace, and you should be as well. And it is long past time for you to forgive yourself.aa aHow do you know he would say that?a aBecause anyone who cared for you would. And he did care for you, or he wouldnat have risked his life to protect you.a Stepping forward, Lottie put her arms around his rigid neck. aI care for you, too.a She had to use her full weight to make him bend to her. aI love you,a she whispered. aPlease donat turn me away.a And she brought her mouth to his.
It took a long time for him to respond to the soft pressure of her lips. He made a faint sound in his throat, and slowly his shaking hands came to her face, holding her still while his mouth molded over hers. His cheeks were wet with sweat and tears, and his kiss was bruising in its fervor.
aDoes it help to hear those words?a Lottie whispered when his mouth lifted.
aYes,a he said hoa.r.s.ely.
aThen Iall say them whenever you need to hear them, until you begin to believe.a She slid her hand behind his neck and tugged his head down for another kiss.
Nick startled her with his sudden wildness. Picking her up with frightening ease, he carried her to the bed and dropped her to the mattress. He tore his own clothes off, ripping plackets of b.u.t.tons rather than take the time to unfasten them. Climbing over her swiftly, he straddled her and split the front of her gown with his hands. Dimly she realized that Nickas need to be inside her was so violent that he had lost all self-control. Kneeing her legs wide apart, he pushed the head of his s.e.x against her, demanding entry. Her body was unprepared, her flesh dry and tight despite her willingness to receive him.
Sliding down her body, Nick took her with his mouth, his large hands gripping her hips and pressing them firmly to the bed as she arched upward in surprise. His tongue plunged into her, wetting and softening the tender flesh. Finding the delicate peak just above the vulnerable opening, he drew the flat of his tongue against it, over and over, until he caught the intimate scent of her desire. Levering his body upward, he mounted her again, and drove his hard organ inside her.
As soon as Nick entered her warm body, his blind ferocity seemed to drain away. He hung over her, his muscular arms braced on either side of her head, his chest moving in deep, irregular breaths. Lottie was pinned beneath him, her flesh throbbing around the thick shaft that impaled her.
His mouth came to hers again, this time gentle as he possessed her with long, teasing kisses, the tip of his tongue stroking the insides of her mouth. She had secretly cherished the memory of his other kisses, the sweetly fervent brushes of a strangeras lipsabut this was so different, dark and heady and powerful. She ached for his touch, gasping with relief at the soft tugs of his fingers on her nipples. He used all his skill to arouse her, teasing her with shallow strokes that enticed rather than satisfied. Wanting more, Lottie tried to pull him closer. He resisted, maintaining the languid rhythm, hushing her with kisses when she protested. Suddenly he plunged inside her with one long drive. Bewildered, Lottie stared at his intent face. aWhat are you doing?a she asked faintly.
His mouth brushed over hers with kisses of soft fire. And as he possessed her, she gradually came to understand the pattern he was working within heraeight shallow thrusts, two deepaseven shallow, three deepaprogressing until he finally gave her ten heavy, penetrating plunges. Lottie cried out with wrenching pleasure, her hips lifting against his sleek weight as she was filled with volatile sensation. When the burning delight had begun to fade, Nick altered their positions subtly, moving farther over her, nudging her knees wider, adjusting the angle of his s.e.x. He thrust deeply, sealing their bodies together, and circled his hips in a slow, steady rhythm.
aI canat,a Lottie said breathlessly, realizing what he wanted, knowing that it was impossible.
aLet me,a Nick whispered, tireless and wickedly adept as he continued the gentle circling, using his body to pleasure her.
She was astonished by how quickly the heat rose again, her senses welcoming the patient stimulation, her s.e.x turning slick and swollen as he moved inside her, over her, against her. aOhaohaa The sounds were torn from her throat as she reached another crest, her limbs jerking, her cheek pressed hard against his shoulder.
And then he began the entire cycle again. Nine shallow, one deepa Lottie lost count of how many times he brought her to ecstasy, or how much time pa.s.sed while he made love to her. He whispered in her earaendearmentsaintimate praiseatelling her how hard she made himahow sweet she felt around himahow much he wanted to satisfy her. He gave her more pleasure than it seemed possible to bear, until finally she begged him to stop, her body trembling with exhaustion.
Nick complied with reluctance, pushing deep inside one last time, releasing his pent-up desire with a shuddering groan. Compulsively he kissed her again, as he withdrew from her sated body. Lottie barely had the strength to lift her hand, but she caught at his arm and murmured thickly, aWill you stay?a aYes,a she heard him say. aYes.a Relieved and tired, she sank quickly into a fathomless sleep.
Chapter Thirteen.
Sunlight streamed in through the windows, which Lottie had left open the night before to admit the cool air. She yawned and stretched, wincing uncomfortably at the strained muscles in her thighs and the unusual ache she felt in hera"
Suddenly remembering the previous night, Lottie rolled over. A shiver of pleasure went through her as she saw Nick sleeping on his stomach beside her, his long muscular back gleaming in the rising light. His head was half-buried in a pillow, his lips slightly parted as he slumbered. The growth of a thick night-beard shadowed his jaw, lending a disreputable cast to his handsome face. Lottie had never experienced this kind of pa.s.sionate interest in anyone or anythingathis keen desire to know every detail of his mind, body, and soulathe pure delight of being in his presence.
Propping herself up on one elbow, Lottie realized that shead never had the opportunity to view him at her leisure. The lines of his body were sleek and strong, his broad back tapering to a lean waist and hips, his flesh densely muscled yet smooth. She admired the solid curve of his b.u.t.tocks, covered by the sheet that lay low on his hips.
And she wanted to see more of him. Glancing cautiously at his peaceful face, she reached down to the edge of the white linen and began to ease it away from his backside. Lower and lowera With a swiftness that made her gasp, Nick reached out and seized her wrist. His eyes opened to study her drowsily, and a smile lit the depths of warm blue. When he spoke, his voice was sleep-roughened. aItas not fair to ogle a man while heas asleep.a aI wasnat ogling,a Lottie said impishly. aWomen donat ogle.a She gave him a boldly appraising glance. aBut I do like the way you look in the morning.a Releasing her, Nick shook his head with a snort of disbelief, scrubbing his fingers through his disheveled hair. He rolled to his side, revealing a chest covered with thick dark curls.
Tempted beyond her ability to resist, Lottie wriggled closer to him, until her b.r.e.a.s.t.s were pressed into the wealth of warm fur. aDid you ever spend the night with your friend?a she asked, entwining her legs with his.
aYou mean with Gemma? G.o.d, no.a aThen Iam the first woman youave ever slept with,a she said, pleased.
He touched her softly, his fingertips tracing the silken curve of her shoulder. aYes.a Lottie made no protest as he rolled her to her back, his head lowering to her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. They were tender and sensitive from his attentions, and she gasped as she felt his hot, gentle tongue swirling over the rosy nipple. Relaxing beneath him, she luxuriated in the tangle of sunshine and white linen, her arms curving around his dark heada aNick, we canat,a she said suddenly. Her gaze shot to the clock on the mantel. aGood Lord, weare late!a aLate for what?a he asked in a m.u.f.fled voice, resisting as she attempted to push his heavy body away.
aSophia and Sir Ross promised to be here at ten oaclock. Thereas barely enough time to bathe and dressa"oh, do get off me, I must hurry!a With a surly frown, Nick allowed her to squirm out from beneath him. aI want to stay in bed.a aWe canat. Weare going to tour the house with Sophia and Sir Ross, and youare going to make yourself agreeable and praise your sister for the splendid job sheas done, and thank them both for their generosity. And then weall entertain them for an early supper, after which they will return to Silverhill.a Nick lounged on his side as he watched her descend from the bed. aThatas going to be at least twelve hours from now. Iam not going to be able to keep my hands off of you for that long.a aThen youall have to devise some means ofa"a Lottie broke off and inhaled sharply as she stood upright.
aWhat is it?a he asked alertly.
Lottie blushed from her head to her toes. aIam sore. Inain places that Iam not usually sore.a Nick understood immediately. An abashed grin touched his lips, and he hung his head in an unconvincing effort at penitence. aIam sorry. An aftereffect of Tantric lovemaking.a aIs that what it was?a Lottie hobbled to a chair near the hearth, where she had left her robe. Hastily she wrapped it around herself.
aAn ancient Indian art form,a he explained. aRitualized methods designed to prolong intercourse.a Lottieas high color persisted as she recalled the things he had done to her in the night. aWell, it certainly was prolonged.a aNot really. Tantric experts often have s.e.xual relations for nine or ten hours at a time.a She gave him an appalled glance. aCould you do that, if you wished?a Standing from the bed, Nick walked over to her, completely unself-conscious in his nakedness. He took her into his arms and nuzzled her soft blond hair, playing with the loose braid that hung down her back. aWith you, I wouldnat mind trying,a he said, smiling against her temple.
aNo, thank you. I can barely walk as it is.a She searched through the tantalizing hair on his chest, finding the point of his nipple. aIam afraid Iam not going to encourage any of your Tantric practices.a aThatas all right,a he replied amiably. aThere are other things we can do.a His voice lowered seductively. aI havenat begun to show you the things I know.a aI was afraid of that,a she said, and he laughed.
His big hand cupped around the back of her head, tilting it until her face was lifted to his. Lottie was amazed by the expression in his eyes, the heat that smoldered in the fathomless blue wells. His mouth lowered to hers slowly, as if he thought she might twist away. She realized that he feared her willingness to kiss him might have evaporated with the morning light. Holding still for him, she let her eyes close as she felt the velvety warmth of his mouth cover hers.
Nick hardly recognized himself in the days that followed. His confession to Lottie, and her astonishing reaction to it, had changed everything. She should have been repulsed by the things he had told her, and instead she had embraced him, accepted him, without hesitation. He didnat understand why. He watched her carefully for signs of regret, thinking that she would come to her senses. But the expected rejection did not come. Lottie opened herself to him in every way, s.e.xually and emotionally. Her trust terrified him. His own need for her terrified him. G.o.d, to realize the extent to which his independence had been compromiseda However, he could not seem to stop it from happening.
Faced with this inevitability, Nick had no choice but to give in to it. And day after day, he let it drift farther inside hima"this precarious, giddy warmth that he could only identify as happiness. He was no longer bedeviled and driven, no longer hungry for things he couldnat have. For the first time in his life, he was at peace. Even his nightmares seemed to have retreated. He slept more deeply than he ever had in his life, and if his dreams began to trouble him, he awakened to find Lottieas small body snuggled against his, her silken hair trailing over his arm. He had never been this idlealazing in bed, making love to his wife, taking long rides or walks with her, even going on a d.a.m.ned picnic and enjoying himself despite the feeling that he should be in London with Morgan and the runners, doing something useful.
It began to bother him, thoughathe old familiar urge to prowl the rookeries, the addictive excitement of pursuit and capture. He did not know how to be a viscount, and he felt vaguely out of place here, at his own childhood home. No magical change had occurred with the arrival of the writ of summons. Blue blood or no, he was a product of the streets.
aIave been thinking about what you need,a Lottie told him one morning as they strode away from the house along a paved rose walk that overlooked a long, formal pool adorned with water lilies. Beyond the pool, a broad curving lawn led to a chain of artificial lakes bordered by a forest of cedar and elm. Nick had taken her on a shortcut he had used often as a boy, circ.u.mventing the lawn by jumping over a short stone wall and heading straight into the forest.
Smiling at Lottieas statement, Nick lifted his arms to help her descend from the wall. Although she could easily have jumped by herself, she accepted his help, resting her hands on his shoulders as he took hold of her waist.
aWhat is it that I need?a he asked, letting her slide down his front until her feet touched the ground.
aA cause.a aA what?a aSomething worthwhile for you to pursue. Something not related to estate management.a Nick let his gaze wander blatantly over Lottieas small, trim form, clad in a peach-colored walking-dress trimmed with chocolate brown. aI already have that,a he said and settled his mouth over hers. He felt her smile before she accommodated the warm pressure of his mouth, opening for the gentle exploration of his tongue.
aI mean something that would keep you busy in your spare time,a she said breathlessly when he ended the kiss.
He slid his hand along the side of her uncorseted waist. aSo do I.a Lottie pulled away from him with a laugh, her flat ankle boots tromping on the carpet of leaves as she strode into the forest. Thin shafts of sunlight filtered through the ancient canopy of foliage-laden branches overhead, catching the pale gleam of her pinned-up hair and making it flash like silver. aSir Ross has his interest in judicial reform,a she pointed out, aas well as his concerns for the rights of women and children. If you were to take up some pursuit that would benefit the public in some manner, you could put your seat in the Lords to some good usea"a aWait,a he said warily, following her through the maze of trees. aIf youare going to start comparing me to my saintly brother-in-lawa"a aI merely used him as an example, not as a basis for comparison.a Stopping beside a huge elm, she ran her hand along the deep furrows of mottled gray bark. aThe point is, you have spent the past few years of your life serving the public and helping people, and for you to stop so suddenlya"a aI havenat been helping people,a Nick interrupted, affronted. aIave been rubbing elbows with felons and wh.o.r.es, and chasing fugitives from Tyburn to East Wapping.a Lottie gave him a wry stare, her dark brown eyes filled with an inexplicable tenderness. aAnd in doing so, youave made London safer, and brought justice to those who deserved it. For heavenas sake, why are you offended at the implication that you may have actually done something good now and then?a aI donat want to be portrayed as something Iam not,a Nick said curtly.
aI see you exactly for what you are,a she informed him, aand I would be the last to call you a saint.a aGood.a aOn the other handayour work as a runnerdid serve to benefit other people, whether you choose to admit it or not. Therefore, you will now need to find some meaningful activity to occupy your time.a Casually Lottie walked on, stepping over a fallen branch.
aYou want me to turn into a reformist?a he asked in disgust, following her.
Deliberately ignoring his sudden bad humor, Lottie continued through the trees until the forest opened to reveal a small, glittering lake. aThere must besome issue that concerns you. Something you want to fight for. What about improving the horrid condition of the Thamesa. or the workhouses in which the elderly, children, and the insane are all mixed together with no one to tend themaa aNext youall want me to make speeches in Parliament and give charity b.a.l.l.s.a He scowled at the thought.
Lottie continued listing problems that needed to be addressed. aInsufficient public education, the cruelty of blood sports, the plight of orphans, or discharged prisonersa"a aYouave made your point,a Nick interrupted, coming to stand beside her.
aWhat about prison reform? Thereas a subject that you can address with some conviction.a Nick froze, unable to believe that Lottie had dared to say it to him. He kept that part of his past closed in some distant part of his mind. For her to mention it in such a relaxed manner was like an attack. A betrayal. But as he stared into her upturned face and struggled to reply, he saw the absolute gentleness in her expression.Be comfortable with me , the soft light in her eyes entreated.Let me share some of your burden .
He tore his gaze away, the flare of defensive rage melting into alarm. Holy h.e.l.l, he wanted to believe in her. To give her the last part of his soul that the world had not yet stained and shredded and ruined. But how could he let himself be that vulnerable?
aIall think about it,a he heard himself say raspily.
Lottie smiled, reaching out to stroke his chest. aIam afraid that if you donat apply yourself to a worthy cause, youall go mad from inactivity. Youare not a man to spend all of your time pursuing idle amus.e.m.e.nts. And now that you are no longer working at Bow Streetaa She paused, seeming troubled by something she saw in his eyes. aYou miss it, donat you?a aNo,a he said lightly.
aThe truth,a she insisted with a frown.
Catching her hand in his, Nick drew her along the path beside the lake.
aI do miss it,a he admitted. aIave been a thief-taker for too long. I like the challenge of it. I like the feeling of outwitting those b.a.s.t.a.r.ds on the streets. I know how they think. Each time I hunt down an escaped murderer, or some filthy rapist, and throw him into the Bow Street strongroom, it gives me a satisfaction like nothing else. Iaa He paused, searching for the right words. aIave won the game.a aGame?a Lottie repeated carefully. aIs that how you think of it?a aAll the runners do. You have to, if youare going to outfox your opponent. You need to stay detached, otherwise youall get distracted.a aIt must have been quite difficult at times, to maintain your detachment.a aNever,a he a.s.sured her. aItas always been easy for me to shut away my feelings.a aI see.a But while Lottie seemed to understand what he was telling her, there was a barely perceptible edge of skepticism in her tone. As if she doubted that he still had the ability to remain completely emotionless. Troubled and annoyed, Nick fell silent as they continued around the lake. And he told himself that he could hardly wait to leave the idyllic scenery of Worcestershire and return to London.
Chapter Fourteen.
aYouare going to Bow Street today, arenat you?a Lottie asked, cradling a cup of tea in her hands as she watched Nick devour a large plate of eggs, fruit, and currant bread.