"What about you?"
"It feels extra good to me whenayou know."
"Whoa. You want me to give you oral?"
"Yes."
"Seriously?"
"A real man would!" she says.
I look at my watch. "You know what I just realized?" I say.
"What"s that?"
"I haven"t had dinner yet. Are you hungry?"
"Well, I did eat from the dollar menu a little while ago."
"Oh."
"You know what we could do? Order you some room service. And while we"re waiting for your dinner to arrive, maybe we couldayou know."
I order us two bottles of wine and pray they arrive before she gets naked.
AFTER ORDERING THE wine I turn to see Renee lying on the bed, naked from the waist down. She says, "Come and get it, Cowboy!"
Using the excuse of needing a shower before getting intimate, I lock myself in the bathroom, turn on the shower, and text the following message to my hospital administrator, Bruce Luce: I need a big favor! Flood my cell phone with text messages, telling me I have to fly to NYC immediately to perform a life-saving surgery.
I press send. When it goes through, I type another: Text me you"ve got a jet waiting at the private landing strip in Paducah, and tell me it"s a matter of life and death!
When that one goes through I send him another: The messages need to sound extremely urgent! Start sending them immediately! And don"t stop sending them till I tell you.
When that one goes through, I erase all the sent messages from my phone, and open the bathroom door.
"You"re awfully dry for having just taken a shower!" Renee says. "Plus, the water"s still running."
"I was brushing my teeth," I say, "then realized I had my phone with me. I get emergency calls all the time. A kid nearly died once when I was in the shower and couldn"t hear the phone."
"That"s terrible!" she says.
"Can you keep an eye on my phone while I shower, just in case?"
"I"d love to!" she says. "And by the way, don"t worry about going hungry. I called room service back and ordered you a Porterhouse steak and a baked potato with b.u.t.ter, sour cream, and bacon bits."
"You did?"
"And some blackberry cobbler."
"That"s a significant caloric commitment."
She laughs. "I hope you don"t plan to talk like that when we order food in Logan."
"What would happen?"
"They"d probably take you out back and shoot you."
"That"s a tough restaurant."
"By the way, the room service guy said your order will take forty minutes. That sounds about right, don"t you think?"
She winks, pats her heart-shaped m.u.f.f.
"Sounds great!" I say, feigning enthusiasm.
I put my phone on the night stand beside her.
"Let me know if anyone calls, okay?"
"I promise."
"Texts are particularly serious."
"Texts are? How come?"
"It means the people in charge are knee-deep in a critical situation, and there"s no time to talk."
"Wow!"
"I can"t express how important this is, Renee. I"m counting on you."
"I won"t let you down," she says, solemnly. "I"ll let you know if anyone calls or texts. I promise."
"Good girl. Thank you."
"You"re very welcome. I love the fact you save children"s lives."
"Really?"
"Of course. I"m a kindergarten teacher, remember?"
"Right."
"You work on their bodies, I work on their minds."
"I like that," I say, truthfully.
It strikes me Renee"s a good person. While that"s a plus, it"s not enough to make me want to dive face first into Red River Gorge.
I strip, enter the shower, but leave the door unlocked.
A minute later, I hear her call out my name in an urgent manner.
I smile, pretending not to hear.
The door opens.
"Gideon!" she says.
I poke my head out of the shower. "Everything okay?"
She"s holding my cell phone, pointing to it. There"s a look of panic in her eyes.
"I got a text?"
She nods.
"Read it to me."
"There are two messages."
"Don"t tell me it"s Bruce Luce."
"Would that be bad?"
"Terribly bad! Don"t tell me Bruce sent me two texts!"
"One"s from Bruce."
"Just one?"
"Uh huh."
"Still, that"s got to be really bad."
"It is. I"m so sorry!"
I suppress a smile. "Read it to me."
"The one from Bruce?"
"Yes, of course!"
"It says, *f.u.c.k you, Gideon!""
"What?"
"I"m sorry," she says.
I hate Bruce Luce. Now what am I going to do?
"Who sent the other text?" I ask.
"I don"t know."
"Read it."
She reads it, but not out loud. As she does, her face undergoes a major transformation. Like a cartoon character, her cheeks turn red, her eyes become slits, and steam seems to escape from her ears.
"I don"t f.u.c.king believe it!" she says.
"What?"
She frowns deeply and glares at me.
"Who"s it from?" I ask.
"Trudy Lake."
I turn off the water. "Trudy Lake?"
Her face is smoldering. This is not a happy teacher.
"You actually know someone named Trudy Lake?" I say.
"It appears we both do," she says between clenched teeth.
"I wonder how many Trudy Lakes there must be in the world?" I say.
"How many would you guess, Gideon?"
"Thousands."
"With a 270 area code?"
"How do you know Trudy?" I say.
She stares me down and says, "You first."
"What did she write?"