To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Tony Salerno Subject: I think you should have your head examined Also, any guy who would buy Mel Fuller from a white slaver should ask for his money back. She would make the worst slave. She"d always be whining about how come the guy doesn"t have cable, and how is she supposed to keep up with everything that"s going on in Winona Ryder"s life without E! Entertainment News.
Tone PS You never answered the question about who you"re seating beside Aunt Ida.
PPS My friends would laugh their a.s.ses off if I gave them cufflinks. How about Wusthof paring knives?
To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Where are you?
Seriously, I am not trying to be nosy, and I know you can take care of yourself, but I"ve left three messages and you still haven"t called back. WHERE ARE YOU????
If I don"t hear from you soon, I"m calling the police, I swear.
Nadine
To: Mel Fuller From: Human Resources Subject: Tardiness Dear Melissa Fuller, This is an automated message from the Human Resources Division of the New York Journal, New York City"s leading photo-newspaper. Please be aware that according to your supervisor, managing editor George Sanchez , your workday here at the Journal this begins promptly at 9AM , making you 83 minutes tardy today. This is your 49 tardy exceeding twenty minutes so far this year, Melissa Fuller. Tardiness is a serious and expensive issue facing employers all over America. Employees often make light of tardiness, but routine lateness can often be a symptom of a more serious issue, such as alcoholism drug addiction gambling addiction abusive domestic partner sleep disorders clinical depression and any number of other conditions. If you are suffering from any of the above, please do not hesitate to contact your Human Resources Representative, Amy Jenkins . Your Human Resources Representative will be only too happy to enroll you in the New York Journal"s Staff a.s.sistance Program, where you will be paired with a mental health professional who will work to help you achieve your full potential. Melissa Fuller, we here at the New York Journal are a team. We win as a team, and lose as one, as well. Melissa Fuller , don"t you want to be on a winning team? So please do your part to see that you arrive at work on time from now on!
Sincerely, The Human Resources Division The New York Journal
Please note that any future tardies may result in suspension or dismissal.
This e-mail is confidential and should not be used by anyone who is not the original intended recipient. If you have received this e-mail in error please inform the sender and delete it from your mailbox or any other storage mechanism.
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Tim Grabowski Subject: Our Miss Mel Well, it looks as if our little Miss Mel had a very, VERY good time on her date, doesn"t it? I mean, I know when *I* don"t come into work the next day, it"s generally because the date hasn"t ended yet. Wink, wink. Well, I"m all for it. It couldn"t have happened to a nicer person. Lordie, though, how I wish it were me! I mean, did you get a look at the arms on that guy? And those thighs? And that full head of hair? Excuse me. I have to go to the little boys room now and douse myself with cold water.
Tim To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: George Sanchez Subject: Fuller Where the h.e.l.l is Fuller? I thought we"d gotten past all this when that d.a.m.ned Friedlander guy moved in next door to her. Wasn"t he going to start walking that dog? So where is she? I swear to G.o.d, Wilc.o.c.k, you can tell her from me that if that story onthe new Paloma Pica.s.so watch with the interchangeable bands isnt on my desk by five, she"s out of a job. I don"t know what you people think I"m running here, but it happens to be called a NEWSPAPER, in case you"ve forgotten.George To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Snap out of it A little while ago, you were happier than I"d ever seen you. Now you"re plunged into despair just because I happened to mention the L word? Well, I could bite my tongue off.
Don"t worry about it, Mel. The guy is obviously crazy about you. I mean, especially if he was willing to spend twenty-four hours in bed with you. I mean, my G.o.d, Tony"s never done that. Then again, I"m always making him get up and cook for me.Don"t worry, he"ll call.
Nadine
To:Mel Fuller From: Dolly Vargas Subject: I hope you don"t think I"m b.u.t.ting in on your personal business, but I do feel that you should meet me in the Ladies in aboutfive minutes. I"ve got just the thing for that nasty case of beard-burn you seem to haveacquired all over the lower half of your face since I last saw you.Seriously, darling, it looks as if you were licked on the chin by the one hundred and oneDalmatians. I can"t believe you didn"t at least try a little foundation.Not to worry. A little Clinique, and you"ll be on your way.And while I"m applying it, you"ll tell me all about it, won"t you?x.x.xOOO.
Dolly
To: Dolly Vargas From: Mel Fuller Subject: Yes, I do think you"re b.u.t.ting in and if you think I"m telling you anything, you"re nuts. Thanks for the offer of your Clinique, but I will wear my beard-burn proudly, as a badge of honor. And stop flicking paper clips at me over the top of your cubicle. I know it"s you, Dolly, and I know what you want, and I am not getting up.
Mel
To:Mel Fuller From: Tim Grabowski Subject: You naughty girl Little Miss Mel, what have you been up to? Wait. Don"t answer that. I could tell the moment I caught a glimpse of your little face, shining like a lighthouse beacon over the wall of your cubicle (you really must get him to shave more offer if the two of you are going to be sucking face on a regular basis. You are a cla.s.sic redhead, with the very delicate skin to go with it.You must remind him of this from time to time, or you"re going to walk around looking like you fell asleep with your chin under a heat lamp). And when I saw that simply stunning arrangement of blood red roses that just got delivered to you, well, I knew:Our Miss Mel has been very wicked indeed. What did you do to deserve that enormous floral tribute? I imagine it was quite out of character for you. Congratulations.
Tim
To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: See I told you he"d call. Only he did better than calling. That"s the biggest bouquet of roses I"ve ever seen. So, what does the card say?
Nad To:Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject:OH MY G.o.d HE LOVES ME!!!!.The card says: But to see her was to love her, Love but her, and love forever
John
Did he make that up? It means me, right? Don"t you think? The "her" is me?Oh my G.o.d, I"m so excited. n.o.body"s ever sent me flowers at work before, let alonewith a card that mentions the L word!!!!
M.
To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: My G.o.d it doesn"t take much to make you happy, does it? Of course the "her" in the poem is you.Who do you think he"s talking about? His mother???? And no, Max Friedlander did not make it up. Robert Burns did. How did you ever graduate from college? You really do know next to nothing. Wait, I take that back. You know everything about Harrison Ford, George Clooney, and that new one, what"s his name? Oh, yeah, Hugh Jackman.Don"t just sit there grinning like an idiot. Write him back, for G.o.d"s sake.
Nadine
To: [email protected] From: Mel Fuller Subject: You shouldn"t have sent all those roses. I mean, really, John, you"ve got to think about your credit situation.But they"re so beautiful, I can"t even get mad at you for being such a spendthrift. I justlove them and the quote, too. I"m not very good at things like that. Quotes, I mean.But I think I have one in return:If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.Good one, right? That"s from Emma. The Gwyneth Paltrow one, not the one with KateBeckinsdale, and pre the first breakup with Ben Affleck, of course.What are you doing tonight? I was thinking about buying some fresh pasta and makingpesto. Want to come over around sevenish?
Love, Mel
To: Mel Fuller From: [email protected] Subject: How about this one?I love you Han Solo, Return of the Jedi To: [email protected] From: Mel Fuller Subject: I know.Princess Leia, Return of the Jedi To: Tony Salerno From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Mel Well, she turned up. And you were right: He didn"t sell into her white slavery.But he did the next worse thing, if you ask me. He made her fall in love with him.What"s wrong with me, Tony? I mean, I"ve never seen her this happy and excited. Noteven the day that rumor went around about Prince William and Britney Spears. This isnothing compare to that. That day, she was giddy. Now, she"s ecstatic. And yet I can"t help feeling like it"s all going to come crashing down in some horrible way. Why?
Why do I feel this way? He"s a nice guy, right? I mean, you met him. Didn"t heseem nice to you? I think that"s the problem. He seems so nice, so normal , that I still haven"t been able to reconcile this guy, this John, with the Max Friedlander we heard so much about, the one with the ice-cubed nipples and all those supermodels in his pocket.I just don"t understand what a guy who could have a supermodel would want with Mel. Iknow it sounds horrible, but think about it. I mean, we know Mel"s cute and quirky andlovable, but would a guy who"d been hanging around supermodels be able to see that?Don"t guys who hang around supermodels for one reason? You know, for the armcandy? Why would a guy who"s been eating nothing but dessert for the past few years suddenlyopt for meat and potatoes? Am I the worst best friend who ever lived, or what?
Nadine
To:Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Tony Salerno Subject: Are you the worst best friend who ever lived?Yes. I"m sorry, but yes. Look, Nadine, you know what your problem is? You hate men. Oh, you like me. But let"s face it, in general, you don"t like men, or trust them. You think all we do is troll around for models. You think we"re so stupid, we can"t see past a girl"s face or chest or hips. Well, you"re wrong. Look, despite your a.s.sertion, supermodels aren"t dessert. They"re people, just like you and me. There are some nice ones and some mean ones, some smart ones and some stupid ones. I would say a guy who is a photographer probably meets a lot of supermodels, and maybe he meets a few he likes, and they go out a few times, or whatever. Does that mean that if he happens to meet a non-supermodel who he likes, he can"t go out with her, too? Do you think he is sitting around, constantly comparing her to the supermodels he"s known? Do you sit around and constantly compare me to George Clooney? No. And I"m sure Max Friedlander isn"t doing that with Mel. Not comparing her to George Clooney, I mean, but to Giselle, or whomever. So give the guy a break. I"m sure he genuinely likes her. h.e.l.l, he might even genuinely love her. Did you ever think of that? So chill.
Tony PS Mel isn"t meat and potatoes, you are. Mel is more like a ham sandwich. With a side of slaw and a bag of chips.
To: John Trent From: Jason Trent Subject: Now you"ve done it.You"ve really done it. What are you thinking? I"m serious. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? What is going through that idiotic brain of yours? SHE THINKS YOU"RE SOMEONE ELSE. Shethinks you"re someone else, and now you"re SLEEPING with her?My wife put you up to this, didn"t she? You are taking advice from my wife. A womanwho, I think you should know, ate an entire cherry cobbler twelve servings last night.For dinner. And growled at us when we tried to take the spatula away from her.You know this is going to blow up in your face. YOU ARE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE. If you care about this girl, tell her who you really are. TELL HER NOW.You"re lucky Mim doesn"t know about this, or I swear, she"d disinherit you.
Jason
To: Jason Trent From: [email protected] Subject: My life Remember what I started to say about how just because Dad is in jail doesn"t give you the right to act like my father? Well, I really mean it. It"s my life, Jason, and I"d thank you to stay out of it. Besides, you"re acting like I don"t know I"ve screwed up. I have. I know I have. AND I"M GOING TO TELL HER. I just haven"t found the right time yet. Just as soon as I do, I"m going to tell her. Everything. Then we"ll all have a nice long laugh at this over burgers at your place, by the pool. You don"t know her, but believe me, Mel has a great sense of humor, and a very warm and forgiving nature. I"m sure she"ll think the whole thing is funny. Do you think anybody"s using the cabin in Vermont? Because I"m thinking that might be the perfect place to tell her. You know, drive up for the weekend and tell her in front of a nice romantic fire, over a couple of gla.s.ses of wine.... What do you think?
J.
To: From: Jason Trent Subject: What do *I* think?Oh, you want my advice? You want me to stop acting like your father, but you want myadvice, *and* you want to borrow my ski cabin? You"ve got some nerve. That"s all I have to say.But then, I suppose we"ve already established that. If you didn"t have nerve, youwouldn"t be in the mess you"re finding yourself now.
Jason
PS Dad isn"t in jail. It"s a minimum security criminal rehabilitation center. Stop making me repeat it.
PPS No woman is that forgiving.
To: Mel Fuller From: George Sanchez Subject: Just where do you think you"re going?