Name: Position: Salary:Peter Hargrave Editor in Chief $120,000George Sanchez Managing Editor $ 85,000Dolly Vargas Style Editor $ 75,000Aaron Spender Chief Correspondent $ 75,000Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Food Critic $ 45,000 Melissa Fuller Page Ten Columnist $ 45,000Amy Jenkins Human Resources Admin. $ 45,000 Read it and weep, girls.
Timothy Grabowski Computer Programmer NY Journal
To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: CONFIDENTIAL I can"t believe Amy Jenkins makes as much as we do. What does SHE do? Sits around and listens to people whine all day about their dental plan. Please.
I"m surprised about Dolly. I"d have thought she made more. I mean, how does she keep herself in Hermes scarves on a mere $75,000 a year?
Nad ;-)
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: CONFIDENTIAL Are you kidding? Dolly comes from money. Haven"t you ever heard her talk about how she used to summer in Newport? I was going to ask Aaron out for an I-forgive-you drink after work--NOT to get back together with him, just so he"ll stop with the Wagner already--but now that I see how much more he makes than me, I can"t even bear to look at him. I KNOW I"m a better writer than he is. So what"s he getting $75,000/yr, while I"m stuck at $45, doing fashion shows and movie premieres?
Mel
To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: CONFIDENTIAL Um, because you"re good at them? Fashion shows and movie premieres, I mean.
Nad ;-) PS I have to do that new Peking duck place on Mott. Come with me. We"ll grab lunch.
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: Lunch I can"t. You know I can"t. I"ve got to walk Paco.Mel
To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Lunch and That Dog Okay, how long is this going to go on? You and that dog, I mean? I can"t be going out to eat by myself every day. Who"s going to keep me from ordering the double patty cheddar melt? I am serious. This dog thing is not working for me.
Nad To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: Lunch and the Dog What am I supposed to do, Nadine? Let the poor thing sit in the apartment all day until he bursts? I know you aren"t a dog person, but have some compa.s.sion. It"s only until Mrs. Friedlander gets better.Mel
PS This just in: Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee? On again. I swear it. His publicist just called. Apparently, she"s dumped the surfer dude.
I"m just glad for the kids, you know? Because that"s what it"s all about.
To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: It"s only until Mrs. Friedlander gets better And when is THAT going to be? Earth to Mel. Come in, Mel. The woman is in a COMA. Okay? She is COMATOSE. I think some alternative arrangements for the woman"s pets need to be made. You are a DOORMAT. A COMATOSE woman is using you as a DOORMAT. The woman has to have some relatives, Mel. FIND THEM. Besides, people shouldn"t keep Great Danes in the city. It"s cruel.
Nad :-( PS You are the only person I know who still cares about Pamela and Tommy Lee patching things up. Give it up, girl.
To: Mel Fuller From: Don and Beverly Fuller Subject: Debbie Phillips Melissa, honey, it"s Mom. Look, your father and I got the Email! Isn"t it great? Now I can write to you, and maybe you"ll answer for a change! Just kidding, sweetheart.Anyway, Daddy and I thought you"d want to know that little Debbie Phillips--you remember Debbie, don"t you? Dr. Phillips"s little girl? He was your dentist. And wasn"t Debbie Homecoming Queen your senior year in high school?--Anyway, Debbie"s just got married! Yes! The announcement was in the paper.
And do you know what, Melissa? The Duane County Register is on the line now. What?
Oh, Daddy says it"s ONLINE, not on the line. Well, whatever. I get so confused.
Anyway, Debbie"s announcement is ONLINE, so I am sending it to you, as what they call an attachment. I hope you enjoy it, dear. She"s marrying a doctor from Westchester!
Well, we always knew she"d do well for herself. All that lovely blonde hair. And look, she graduated suma c.u.m laude from Princeton! Then she went to law school. So impressive.
Not that there"s anything wrong with being a reporter. Reporters are just as important as lawyers! And Lord knows, we all need to read some nice gossip now and then. Why, did you hear about Ted Turner and Martha Stewart? You could have knocked me over with a feather.
Well, enjoy! And you make sure you lock your door at night. Daddy and I worry about you, living there in that big city all alone.
Bye for now-- Mommy
Attachment: (Glam photo of wedding couple) Deborah Marie Phillips, the daughter of Dr. and Mrs. Reed Andrew Phillips of Lansing, IL, was married last week to Michael Bourke, the son of Dr. and Mrs. Reginald Bourke of Chapaqua, NY. The Rev. James Smith performed the ceremony at the Roman Catholic
Church of Saint Anthony in Lansing. Ms. Phillips, 26, is an a.s.sociate at Schuler, Higgins, and Brandt, the international law firm based in New York. She received a bachelor"s degree from Princeton, from which she graduated suma c.u.m laude, and a law degree from Harvard. Her father is a dentist and oral surgeon in Lansing, operating the Phillips Dental Practice. Mr. Bourke, 31, received a bachelor"s degree from Yale and an MBA from Columbia University. He is an a.s.sociate at the investment banking group of Lehman Brothers. His father, now retired, was the president of Bourke & a.s.sociates, a private investment firm. After a honeymoon trip to Thailand, the couple will reside in Chapaqua.
To: Mel Fuller From: Dolly Vargas Subject: Mothers Darling, when I heard all that anguished shrieking from your cubicle just now I thought at the very least Tom Cruise had finally come out of the closet. But Nadine tells me it"s just because you received an email from your mother. How well I understand. And I am so glad my mother is far too drunk ever to learn to operate a keyboard. I highly suggest you send your doting parents a case of Campari and have done with it. Trust me, it"s the only way to shut them up on the dreaded subject of M. As in, Why aren"t you M yet? All your friends are M. You aren"t even trying to get M. Don"t you want me to see my grandchildren before I die?As if I would EVER give birth. I suppose a well-mannered little six year old would be all right, but they simply don"t COME that way. You have to TRAIN them.
Too tiresome. I can understand your anguish.
Dolly x.x.xOOO PS Did you notice Aaron shaved? It"s a pity. I never realized what a weak chin he has.
To: Mel Fuller From: Amy JenkinsAmy Jenkins Human Resources Administrator The New York Journal To: Amy Jenkins Subject: Staff a.s.sistance Program Dear Ms. Jenkins, What I find disheartening is the fact that I reached out to you and all the other HumanResource administrators, and instead of being given the aid I so desperately need, I wasbrutally rebuffed. Are you saying that my chronic status as a single woman is not worthyof a.s.sistance? Do I have to tell you how demoralizing it is to buy Lean Cuisines FiestaMeals For One every night at the Food Emporium? What about having to order my pizzaby the slice? Do you think that isn"t whittling away at my self-esteem, slice bydisheartening slice? And what about salad? Do you have any idea how many pounds of lettuce I have ingested in an effort to maintain my size 6 figure, so that I might entice a man? Eventhough it goes against every fiber of my feminist being to cater to the misogynistic morethat exists in western culture that insists that attractiveness is parallel to one"s waist-size? If you are trying to say that being a single woman in New York City is not a disability,then I respectfully submit that you visit a Manhattan deli on a Sat.u.r.day night. Who do you see crowded around the salad bar? That"s right. The single girls. Face reality, Amy. It"s a jungleout there. It"s kill or be killed. I am merely suggesting that you, as a mental health expert, accept that truth, and move on.
Melissa Fuller Page Ten Columnist The New York Journal
To: Mel Fuller From: George Sanchez Subject: Cut it out Stop teasing Amy Jenkins down in Human Resources. You know she doesn"t have any sense of humor. If you have so much free time, come to me. I"ll give you plenty to do. The obit guy just quit.
G.
To: Mel Fuller From: Aaron SpenderI don"t know where to begin. First of all, I can"t stand this. You ask what this is.
I"ll tell you: this is sitting here all day, seeing you there in your cubicle, knowing that you said never want to speak to me again.
This is watching you walk towards me, thinking you might have changed your mind, only to have you pa.s.s by without so much as even glancing in my direction.
This is knowing that you"ll walk out of here at the end of the day, that I will have no idea where you will be, what you will do, and that an abyss of time will elapse before you walk back in here the next day.
This--or should I say, these?--are the countless, uncountable hours during which my mind leaves me, and pursues you out the door, following you in an imaginative journey that leads nowhere, right back where I started, sitting here thinking about this.
Aaron Spender Senior Correspondent The New York Journal
To: Aaron Spender Subject: This That was really moving, Aaron. Have you ever considered writing fiction for a living?
Seriously. I think you"ve got real talent.
Mel
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: We Got Email Nad!!!! Look!!!! We got email!!!!!Isn"t it righteous? You can write to me at Get it? I"m foodie because I"m the chef!!!!! Anyway, just thought I"d say hi. Now we can email each other all day long!
What are you wearing? How come you never wear that bustier I got you to work?
Do you want to know tonight"s specials?
Asparagus tips wrapped in salmon Soft Sh.e.l.l Crab Lobster bisque Pasta putanesca Red Snapper in an orchietta sauce Filet Mignon Creme brulle
I"ll save you some bisque.
Hey, by the way, my uncle Giovanni"s throwing us an engagement party next weekend.
Nothing fancy, just out by the pool at his house in Long Island. So keep Sat.u.r.day free!