Subject: Hi back atcha
Sure. The seven o"clock show would be great. We could go to Brother"s Barbecue afterwards. That"s right down the street from Film Forum. Thanks for rescuing my dry cleaning.
Ralph is always getting 15A and B confused. I am forever getting giant bags of Iams dog food delivered to my door. Ill pop by around nine to pick up my shirt, if thats not too late. I have a function to attend after work--an art opening I have to cover for my column. This guy actually does sculptures out of Vaseline. I am not kidding, either. And people actually buy them. The sculptures, I mean. Well, talk to you later.
Mel
PS John is sort of a strange nickname, isn"t it?
PPS You might be surprised to know that I am actually aware of who Jerry Garcia is.
In fact, I even saw him in concert once.
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: OMIG.o.d HE ASKED ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.Well, kind of. It"s just a trip to the movies, but that sort of counts, doesn"t it?
Here read this copy of my reply and tell me if I sound too eager.
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Dolly Vargas Subject: Max Friedlander Good G.o.d, I see what you mean. I haven"t seen Mel this excited since she found out about that Little House on the Prairie reunion special (remember poor blind Mary? What a sap. I hated her). Thank G.o.d Aaron"s on a.s.signment in Botswana and doesn"t have to be subjected to the delighted squealing coming from Mel"s cubicle. He is still pathetically hung up on that girl. Why Mel would want to throw away a work-in-progress like Aaron for a wretch like Max, I can"t imagine. I mean, at least Aaron has potential. I have known many women who"ve tried to change Max, to no avail. In other words, Nadine, be afraid: be very afraid. Max is everything our mothers warned us about (well, mine would have warned me about boys like Max if she"d ever been home). Max"s modus operandi: very intense until he gets a girl into bed, then he starts backing off. By that time the young lady is usually besotted, and cannot understand why the formerly attentive Max stops calling. Pathetic scenes ensue, in which cries of Why haven"t you called? and Who was that woman I saw with you the other night? are answered with Stop suffocating me, and I"m not ready for a commitment. Variations on this theme include: Can"t we just take this one day at a time? and I"ll call you on Friday. I swear it.Are you getting the picture? Oh, and did I tell you about the time Max made all the models on a Sports Ill.u.s.trated swimsuit shoot ice down their nipples because they weren"t sticking out enough? Darling, he"ll eat our little Mel up and spit her out.
You didn"t really mean what you said about n.o.bu, did you?
Dolly x.x.xOOO
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: OK, so what do I wear?Seriously. Last time I saw him, I was in sweats, so I want to look really, really good. Come with me at lunch and help me pick something out. I"m thinking this slip dress I saw at Bebe. But do you think that"s too s.l.u.tty for a first date?
To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: We need to talk Meet me in the Ladies Room in five minutes.
To: Mel Fuller cc: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k cc: Dolly Vargas From: George Sanchez Subject: Doesn"t anybody work here anymore?Where the h.e.l.l is everybody? Has it occurred to any of you that we have a paper to put out? Dolly, where"s that story you were doing on stilettos, silent killers?
Nadine, I"m still waiting for that review of Bobby Flay"s new place.
Mel, did you, or did you not, attend last night"s premiere of the new Billy Bob Thornton film? I expected at least a diatribe from you about what a cad he was to leave the blonde chick from Jura.s.sic Park for that creepy girl who has the thing for her brother.
If I don"t see some b.u.t.ts in some chairs pretty soon, there"s not going to be cake for any of you at Stella"s baby shower. And I really mean it this time.
George To: Jason Trent From: John Trent Subject: Me? Hostile?You ought to take a look in the mirror, Jase. You are not going prematurely bald because of your genes, bud. I am practically your genetic double, and not to brag or anything, but I still have a full head of hair. You have got a lot of pent up hostility killing off those follicles. And if you ask me, it"s all directed at Mim. It"s your own fault for letting her run your life. See, I broke free, and guess what? Not a single d.a.m.n strand on my pillow when I wake up in the morning. I am willing to overlook your intense personal insecurities for the moment in order to inform you that I will not be able to attend the dedication tomorrow night as I have alternate plans. I will elaborate no more, for fear of further fraternal wrath. I like that, further fraternal wrath. Maybe I"ll put that in my novel.
Fraternally yours, your faithful brother, John To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k cc: Dolly Vargas From: Mel Fuller Subject: Chill You two need to calm down. I am going out with the guy, okay? I am not diving into bed with him. As Aaron can attest, I do not dive into bed with anybody that easily, all right?You guys are way overreacting. First of all, Dolly, I don"t even believe that nipple story.
And Nadine, I am not the emotionally fragile mess you imagine me to be. Okay, I am concerned about Winona Ryder"s love life, but it is not keeping me up nights. Ditto Laura Dern. I can take care of myself. Besides, it"s just a movie, for G.o.d"s sake.
Thanks for caring, though.
Mel
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: What is going on here?What was that supposed to be? An intervention? I nearly died when I walked into the Ladies Room and Dolly was there with you. I kept looking around for the fax guy, thinking he was hiding in one of the stalls with a box of condoms and some edible ma.s.sage oil, and her being there was all just some terrible mistake.
Nadine, I don"t care what Dolly says about Max Friedlander. He is nothing like that.
Maybe he used to be, but he"s changed. I mean, I know. I have spent time with the guy.
And I"ve watched him with Paco, and especially with Mr. Peepers (okay, I admit it, so I spied on him through the window. Hey, I"m not proud. But it"s the truth). Mr. Peepers hates everybody, but he is really starting to warm up to Max, and I know you can"t judge a person by how he or she relates to animals, but I think it says a lot about Max that he has spent so much time getting to know his aunt"s pets that even a distrustful and generally anti-social cat like Mr. Peepers is starting to warm up to him. OK?
And yeah, maybe my batting average ain"t what it ought to be, considering the fact that Aaron was doing Barbara Bellerieve behind my back and I never suspected a thing, but I really don"t think Max is just out to get me into bed. Because if what Dolly is saying is true, then Max Friedlander could have anybody. So why would he want me? I am not being self-effacing, either. I mean, why would a guy like that go for a short red-headed gossip columnist when he could have--well, Cindy Crawford, if she wasn"t happily married to that guy who owns Skybar, or Princess Stephanie of Monaco, or somebody like that? I mean, seriously, think about it, Nadine.
That"s all. I"m not mad, or anything. Just hurt, I guess. I mean, I"m not a baby.
Mel
PS You can make it up to me by helping me pick out new shoes at Nine West to go with my new dress.
To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Fine. Go out with him. See if I care.But I want a full report the minute you get back. Understand?
And I am warning you, Mel, if this guy breaks your heart and you are mopey for my wedding, I will personally kill both him and you.
Nad :-[
To: John Trent From: Jason Trent Subject: What novel?You"re writing a novel now? You"ve shed the shackles of the family fortune, you"re leading a double life, you"re trying to solve the mystery behind the old lady"s a.s.sault, and you"re writing a novel? Who do you think you are, anyway? Bruce Wayne?
To: Jason Trent From: John Trent Subject: Batman Actually, I don"t believe Bruce Wayne ever wrote a novel, nor did he shed the shackles of the family fortune. He used his fortune quite extensively, I believe, in his crime-fighting efforts. Although he did, obviously, lead a double life. As for solving the mystery behind the old lady"s a.s.sault, Bruce would probably have done a better job than I have so far. I just can"t understand it--why would somebody try to b.u.mp off a harmless old lady like that? The closest the police have gotten to explaining it is that it was an interrupted robbery--but interrupted how? And by whom? Mel mentioned something about how the doormen often get her apartment, 15B, and Mrs. Friedlander"s apartment, 15A, mixed up. Which got me thinking about what a cop friend of mine said--that it almost resembled the work of the transvest.i.te killer, except that the old lady didn"t fit the victim profile. I"m kind of wondering if maybe the guy got the wrong apartment...if Mrs. Friedlander wasn"t his intended victim at all. That once he"d realized his mistake, he tried to go through with it, but couldn"t quite do it, and ended up leaving the job undone. I don"t know. It"s just something I"ve been thinking about.I polled the doormen in the building, and none of them remember sending anyone up to the 15th floor that night-- although one of them did ask me if I"d gotten my hair cut. Apparently, he"d seen Max before, and while he recognized that I was not quite the genuine article, he couldn"t make out just how precisely I had changed in appearance. Frightening how we take our security for granted, isn"t it? Anyway, if you"re good, I"ll send you the first couple chapters of my opus. It"s about a bunch of people who lack any redeeming qualities--kind of like Mim"s friends. You"ll like it. Oh my G.o.d, I"ve got to go. I have to be at Film Forum in fifteen minutes- John To: John Trent From: Jason Trent Subject: You are unbelievable Film Forum? That"s why you can"t be at the dedication? You"re going to the movies? The redhead has something to do with this, doesn"t she?To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: My Date-A-Logue 18:00 Preparation for my date begins. I put on the stunning little blue dress you helped me pick out. I notice that it looks a little too stunning for dinner and a movie. Add a cotton sweater. Mom would be pleased. Remember her adage: You know how cold it can get in movie theaters in the summertime. Practice walking in new platform mules for half an hour. Only turn my ankle twice. I"m ready as I"ll ever be.18:30 Depart for downtown. Know I must look nice, as I am groped on the 9 train between Times Square and Penn Station. Elbow groper in the midriff. Receive round of applause from fellow strap-hangers. Groper disembarks, looking shame-faced.
19:00 Arrive outside movie theater. There is a huge line! Scan line nervously for John (did I tell you Max asked me to call him John? It"s an old college nickname). Finally spot him at end of line, already holding tickets. My plan to go Dutch (therefore making this an outing between friends, and not a date, per your suggestion) instantly ruined! I rally by informing him I will buy popcorn and sodas. You will be pleased to know that John graciously acquiesces to this plan.
19:00-19:20 Stand in line chatting about giant sink hole that has opened up on Church Street. You know how I love weather disasters. Well, it turns out John does, too! This leads to a long conversation about our favorite disasters--though we spoke very softly in case anyone in line with us might have lost a relative in the latest tsunami or an F5 tornado, or something.
19:21.
Line begins to move. John goes to find seats. I go to buy popcorn and soda. Realize with dismay I forgot to tell him to get me a seat on the aisle due to absurdly small bladder.
But when I get inside the theater, he has done just that--saved me the aisle seat! Now, really, Nadine, has Tony ever once let you have the aisle seat? No, never, and you know it.
19:30-21:30 Watch movie. Eat popcorn. Notice John can chew and breathe through his nose at the same time. This is a marked improvement over Aaron, who you will recall had a problem with that. I wonder if Dolly has noticed it yet. Also, John does not look at his watch while the movie is running. This was one of Aaron"s most annoying habits. Then I notice that John does not even wear a watch. Definitely an improvement over Aaron, who not only wore one but checked it obsessively every twenty minutes.
21:30-22:00 We walk over to Brothers Barbecue and discover that it, like most popular Manhattan eateries, has been overrun by out-of-towners. There is a two hour wait for a table. I suggest we go for a slice at Joe"s, which as you know has the best pizza in the city. On the way, John tells amusing anecdote about his brother and a drunken midnight pilgrimage to Joe"s. I say I did not know he had a brother, and then he says he meant a fraternity brother. This is upsetting: I don"t know if I ever told you that after a particularly embarra.s.sing incident involving a Delta Upsilon and a sock back when I was in college, I vowed never again to date another frat guy. Then I remembered that this was not a date, but a friendly outing like you suggested, and I was able to relax again.
22:30-24:00 Pizza consumed standing up because there is no place to sit. While we eat, I relate amusing anecdote about how one time I ran into Gwyneth Paltrow at Joe"s, and she ordered a slice with veggies and sauce but no cheese! This leads to discussion about my job, and how much I want to write features. It turns out John has been reading Page Ten, and admires my sprightly but pithy style! Those were the words he used! Sprightly! And pithy! I am sprightly and pithy, aren"t I? So then I tried to talk to him about his job.
I thought I could subtly find out the truth about that whole nipple thing. But he didn"t want to talk about himself at all! He just wanted to know where I went to college, and stuff like that. He kept asking all these questions about Lansing. As if that"s interesting! Although I did my best to make it interesting. I told him about the time the h.e.l.l"s Angels came to town, and of course about the tornado that took out the middle school"s cafeteria (unfortunately during summer, so we didn"t even get out of going to cla.s.s). Finally, I ran out of steam and suggested we head home. But on our way to the subway, we pa.s.sed a bar where live blues were being played! You know I can"t resist the blues. I don"t know if he saw me looking wistful or what, but he went, Let"s go in.
When I saw there was a $15 cover and two drink minimum I was like, No, we don"t have to, but he said he"d buy the drinks if I paid the cover, which I thought was very decent because you know those places charge like ten bucks just for a beer, and so we went in and I got a second wind and had a very fun time and drank beer and ate peanuts and threw the sh.e.l.ls on the floor and then the band took a break and we realized it was midnight and we were both like, Oh, my G.o.d! Paco! So we rushed home--we split a cab, which was expensive, but at that time of night was much faster than the subway--and got home before any major accidents or howling had occurred, and I said good night by the elevator, and he said we should do it again sometime, and I said I would love that and that he knows how to reach me, and then I went into my apartment and took a shower to wash all the smoke from the bar out of my hair, and Febrezed my new dress. You will note that no pa.s.ses were made (by either party) and that everything was very friendly and above board and mature.
And now I hope you are ashamed of yourself for all the mean things you thought about him because he is really very sweet and funny and wore the nicest jeans I ever saw, not too tight, but not baggy either, with some very interesting faded parts, plus his sleeves were rolled up to just below his elbows-- Uh-oh, here comes George. He"s going to kill me because he still wants tomorrow"s pages. Gotta go.
Mel To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: Wait a minute....Why didn"t he make a pa.s.s at me? Oh my G.o.d! I really must be hideous after all!
To: Jason Trent From: John Trent Subject: The redhead has something to do with this, doesn"t she?Well, of course.
To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: So sue me Okay. First of all, you are not hideous. Where do you get these things? Secondly, I am willing to admit when I am wrong, and so I will admit it: I was wrongabout the guy. At least so far. I do think its a little weird that he wants you to call him John. I mean, what kind of nickname is that ? I"ll tell you what kind: it"s a name, not a nickname. But whatever. You"re right. You"re not a baby. You can make your own decisions. You want to sit and listen to the blues and eat peanuts and talk about disasters with him? You go right ahead. I will not try to stop you. It really isn"t any of my business.
Nadine To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: All right....What"s wrong with you? Since when is anything I do not your business? In the five years you and I have known one another, you have poked your nose into every single detail of my life--as I have poked mine into yours. So what"s this? It really isn"t any of my business c.r.a.p? Is there something going on that you"re not telling me about? You and Tony have made up, right? I mean, after that fight you had over what he said at Uncle Giovanni"s. Right? Right? Nadine, you and Tony can"t break up. You are the only couple I know who actually seem happy together. Except of course for James and Barbra.
Mel To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Yes, Tony and I....