Nad
PS I don"t have to tell you how much I hate this, right? This exercise thing? I mean, in case you didn"t know. I hate it. I really hate sweating. It"s not natural. It really isn"t.
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: But that would explain...why he didn"t try to kiss me, or put his arm around me, or anything! He"s gay!
And I offered to go with him next time he goes up to the hospital to visit his aunt.
I must seem like the biggest nagging idiot in the world!
Mel
PS Let"s go to the noon cla.s.s so we can get it over with. I know you hate it, Nadine, but it"s good for you. And sweating is natural. People have been doing it for many thousands of years. You know what"s not natural? Mariah Carey"s chest.
To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Are you...suffering from a synaptic breakdown? First of all, he"s not gay.
Secondly, even if he was gay, you"re saying you want to go with him to see his comatose aunt is hardly nagging. It"s actually very nice. I told you not to listen to Dolly.
Remember the chenille bedspread? Remember when you saw him feeding the dog Alpo right there on the bed? Would a gay man ever do that to chenille?
Nad
PS Everyone knows Mariah had work done. This is a surprise to you?
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: Oh Yes. You"re right. No gay man would ever abuse chenille in such a manner. Thank G.o.d I have you in my life, Nadine.
Mel PS But if he isn"t gay, how come he hasn"t written back? I emailed him ages ago about some tropical depressions, and since then, they"ve already been upgraded to storms!
To: [email protected] From: Jason Trent Subject: Oh for G.o.d"s sake...
Just call the girl, would you? While you"re sitting around beating yourself up, some other man could be stealing her out from under your nose! Don"t worry--the Max Friedlander stuff will work itself out. You wouldn"t believe some of the lies Jason told me when we first started going out...foremost of which was that he went out once with Jody Foster. He just didn"t mention that it was when she happened to be on the same ferry he was taking to Catalina Island. Yeah, he went out with her, all right. Oh, and your mother showed my a picture of this Mich.e.l.le girl, whom your brother insists was the most beautiful woman he has ever known: h.e.l.lo, somebody call the pound, I think there"s a pit bull on the loose-- And here comes Jason, he"s screaming something about grilled cheese and why don"t I get my own email account, and why must I keep pillaging his, and now he"s trying to shove me out of his chair, even though I am seven months pregnant with his unborn son, not to mention the mother of his daughters- To: [email protected] From: Jason Trent Subject: Go away I just want you to know that while you are burdening my wife with your half-a.s.sed problems--all of which, by the way, are of your own making--everything here is going to pieces. I just had to make the girls their lunch and the cheese dripped out into the toaster all over everything and started a fire. So all I have to say to you is get your own wife already and stop bothering mine.Jason To: [email protected] From: Jason Trent Subject: HI UNCLE JOHN IT"S US, HALEY AND BRITTANY. MOMMY AND DADDY ARE HAVING A BIG.FIGHT OVER WHAT YOU SHOULD DO ABOUT THE RED-HEADED LADY.
MOMMY SAYS YOU SHOULD CALL HER UP AND ASK HER OUT TO DINNER.
DADDY SAYS YOU SHOULD GET THERAPY.
IF YOU MARRY THE RED HEADED LADY, WILL SHE BE OUR AUNT?.
WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO SEE US? WE MISS YOU. WE HAVE BEEN VERY.
GOOD. EVERY TIME THAT VEIN IN DADDYS HEAD STARTS TO TURN.
PURPLE WE SING THAT SONG YOU TAUGHT US, JUST LIKE YOU SAID TO.
YOU KNOW WHICH SONG. THE ONE ABOUT DIARRHEA.
WELL, WE HAVE TO GO, DADDY SAYS TO GET OFF HIS DESK. WRITE SOON!!!.
LOVE,.
BRITTANY AND HALEY.
To: Mel Fuller From: [email protected] Subject: baseball sized hail, and other weather anomalies Dear Melissa, Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I had some business that needed tending to.But it looks like its all more or less in order now--at least, as much as it can be for the moment. It"s sweet of you to offer to visit my aunt with me, but you really don"t have to. Wait. Stop. I know what you"re going to say. So to cut you off at the chase, might I suggest that we do it tomorrow evening, if you don"t already have plans? And I think I will take this opportunity to discuss something that has been weighing somewhat heavily on my conscience ever since we met: The great debt I owe you for saving my aunt"s life. Stop. Again, I know what you"re going to say. But the fact of the matter is, you did exactly that. The police told me so. So although it is rather an inadequate means of expressing my immense grat.i.tude and appreciation for what you did, I was hoping that you"d let me take you out to dinner some night. And since I know how deeply this will offend your Midwestern sensibilities, I am prepared to let you pick the restaurant, lest you worry that I might choose a place destined to bankrupt me. Think it over and let me know. As you are aware, my evenings are, thanks to Paco, quite free from seven until eleven--eleven thirty when I forget to fill his water bowl.Sincerely, John PS Did you see that thing on the Weather Channel last night? Why is it that people who attempt to drive through flash-flood swollen rivers in their SUVs always end being people who don"t know how to swim?
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: He wrote back!And he asked me out.
Well, sort of. I guess it"s more of a pity slash thank you thing than an actual date.
But maybe if I get just the right dress....
You"re the restaurant expert. Which one should I pick?
Mel To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: You aren"t going to...be able to pay your rent next month if you keep buying outfits to impress this guy.
I have an idea. Wear something you already own. He can"t have seen everything you own already. He only moved in a couple of weeks ago, and I know you have ten million skirts.
Here"s another idea: why don"t the two of you come to Fresche? That way, Tony and I can get a look at him and let you know what we think.
Just a thought.
Nadine
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: HA!What do you think I am, stupid? We aren"t going anywhere near Fresche. Not in a million years.
Mel To: Mel Fuller From: Tony Salerno Subject: So we"re not good enough for you, huh?I guess when it comes to fine dining, you really know who your friends are. I mean, evidently, you have some kind of prejudice against my restaurant that I never knew about before now. And yet whenever I"ve offered to grill you up some of my cla.s.sic chicken paillard, you"ve never turned me down. Could it be that all this time, you"ve merely been humoring me?
What about Nadine? She"s not really your best friend, is she? You probably have some fancy other best friend tucked away for emergencies, don"t you?
It"s all becoming clear now.
T.
To: Tony Salerno From: Mel Fuller Subject: You know good and well why I don"t want to go to your restaurant. I don"t care to be gawked at by my best friend on her boyfriend! And you know it. You are really insufferable, you know that? It"s a good thing you"re such a good cook--and so good-looking, too, of course.
Mel ;-) To: Mel Fuller From: Dolly Vargas Subject: Dinner Darling, are you mad? You have simply got to make him take you to La Grenouille. There just isn"t anywhere else worthwhile. And it isn"t as if he can"t afford it. My G.o.d, Max Friedlander made a fortune photographing that Vivica creature for that new Maybelline print campaign. After all, you did give that woman mouth-to-mouth. For that he owes you something from Tiffany"s, or Cartier, at the very least.Dolly x.x.xOOO To: Mel Fuller From: George Sanchez Subject: Corner Bistro That"s where you make the guy take you. Best burgers in the city. Plus you can watch the game while you eat.
G.
To: Mel Fuller From: Jimmy Chu Subject: How can you even think of going anywhere but Great Shanghai? You know it"s the best Peking duck in the city. Jim To: Mel Fuller From: Tim Grabowksi Subject: Gaydar Nadine pa.s.sed me your friend John"s latest email, which I guess you forwarded to her, and I can say unequivocally, speaking as a h.o.m.os.e.xual, that this man is straight. No gay man I know would ever let a woman choose the restaurant, even if she did save his aunt"s life. Make him take you to Fresche. Nadine and I and the rest of the gang are going to sit at the bar and pretend we don"t know you. Puh-lease make him take you to Fresche.... Ya"ll have a nice time and be sure to practice safe s.e.x, you hear?
Tim To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: For the love of G.o.d Would you please stop telling everyone who works here about my personal life? It is so humiliating! Tim Grabowski from Programming just emailed me. And if Programming knows, you know it"s only a matter of time before it gets down to Art. And what if somebody in Art knows Max Friedlander, and tells him how everybody in Features is talking about him? I mean, my G.o.d, what are you trying to do?Mel
To: Dolly Vargas ;Tony Salerno ;Tim Grabowski ; George Sanchez ; Jimmy Chu From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Mel All right everybody, lay off her. We"re just making her nervous.
I really mean that, Dolly, so don"t even think about another Ladies Room ambush.
Nadine PS Besides you know she can"t keep a secret to save her life. She"ll blab about where they"re going eventually, and then we"ll have her. ;-) To: From: Mel Fuller Subject: Dinner Dear John, Hi! It"s really sweet of you to offer to take me to dinner, but you really don"t have to.
I was happy to do what I did for your aunt. I only wish I could have done more.
But if you really insist, I honestly don"t care where we go to dinner.
Well, that"s not true, there is one place I really DON"T want to go, and that"s Fresche.
Anywhere else is fine. Why don"t you surprise me? See you back on the 15th floor tonight at six (ICU visiting hours are only from six-thirty to seven)?