Finally, I lie back down. But instead of dozing idly in the sun, I feel anxiety begin to take hold. Things were fine when home was home and Stillwater was Stillwater, but now everything"s tumbling together, and I can"t keep it apart. The old Olivia would never spill my secrets - I could trust her with anything. But this new girl, the one who"s rude to her hostess, confiscates my things, and won"t stop ranting about the impending end of the world? I don"t know about her. I feel like I don"t know her at all.
After a while, Ethan nudges my leg with his bare foot. "I"m heading up to the river tomorrow. Want to come fishing?"
"With my record?"
"Aw, c"mon. We can find a mate to send along to poor Derek in fish heaven."
I relax, laughing as I remember my unwanted success with the fishing rod. "Knowing my luck, I"ll find him a whole gang of friends."
"Exactly." Ethan grins at me warmly. "You"ll be my accidental good-luck charm."
"Derek?" Olivia interrupts, turning to me with a questioning look. She"s moved into the shade from one of the looming pines, separating herself out from the group.
"He"s the fish Jenna caught," Ethan answers for me. "A big one, too!"
"Was not," I protest.
"Sure he was." Ethan gives me a grin. "Took me ages to kill him, smashing away with that rock."
"Eww!" I thump him playfully, and he shoves me back.
"You weren"t complaining when you started eating the poor thing."
Olivia gasps, eyes wide. "You started eating meat?"
I brace myself for a protest about vegetarianism, but instead, it"s Reeve who speaks up, drawling in a sarcastic voice. "I wouldn"t take her near water, dude. She"ll just fall in again."
I pretend not to notice the dig, but it still stings. "Are you ever going to let me forget that?"
"No," comes the immediate response from all three boys. Again, a questioning look from Olivia.
"There was a kayak trip that went wrong," I tell her quickly, even though I"m getting tired of explaining. Especially when I"ve already told her. "I called you about it, I"m sure."
"Maybe you did." She flicks a page. I stare at her for a moment, puzzled. It feels like she"s giving me an att.i.tude, but I can"t think why.
"Anyway, I think I"ll skip this one." I turn back to Ethan. "There"s going to be a ton of cleaning up to do from this party tonight."
"I"ll just have to struggle on without you." He grins.
"Why don"t you take one of your guy friends, Ethan?" Olivia pipes up. "Isn"t it kind of a manly thing, fishing? Guys bonding, together, out in the wild with their tackle, all Brokeback -"
"Livvy." I sit up so fast, I get a head rush. "Weren"t you going to tell me more about that guru guy?"
"He"s not a guru; he"s a low-impact lifestyle visionary." She frowns at me, launching into a long description of how this guy recycles everything in his life - including bodily waste. It"s gross, but at least she stops with her loaded comments about Ethan. For now.
I manage to keep Olivia away from the group for the rest of the day, but by the time the party gets under way, I don"t know what to do. Instead of having a good time and celebrating our success, I"m acting like a glorified babysitter: running around making sure she"s not ranting at the guests about free trade, or spilling every secret I told her, or doing anything else to mess up the calm equilibrium we"ve managed to reach in Stillwater. It"s exhausting, and the worst part is, I don"t even understand why she"s so antagonistic. Livvy used to be happy, and energetic, and upbeat; now she acts as if she has one big grudge against the whole world, and we"re all part of the corporate-industrial conspiracy to destroy the earth.
Isn"t early-morning meditation supposed to, I don"t know, make you calm and content?
"I love this decor - it"s so rustic and quaint."
"Mmm, you"ve got to taste this potato salad!"
"And if the weather holds, we"ve booked for a kayak trip tomorrow, just like on the website!"
Despite all my tension, I can"t help but feel a warm glow of pride as I drift through the backyard, overhearing s.n.a.t.c.hes of conversation from the party. Everything else in my life may be teetering on the edge of disaster, but the B and B is turning out just great. The first guests arrived on schedule - a mousy-looking couple of accountants and that family from Boston - and oohed and aahed with appropriate enthusiasm as Susie showed them around the house. Now it"s getting dark, and what must be half of Stillwater has gathered in the backyard to celebrate. We spent the afternoon setting up, and now the place is transformed, with tiny twinkle lights strung up between the trees, trestle tables covered with red-and-white-checkered cloths, and a mouthwatering array of BBQ goodies. I look around happily. Grady is piling his plate with food; Ethan is talking with some older guys; Reeve is - With Kate.
They"re just chatting, casual, but I feel a twist of insecurity all the same. She"s wearing jeans and an embroidered shirt, looking breezy and effortless again. Reeve glances away from her for a moment, and I manage to catch his eye, but he just gives me a vague smile and turns back to her.
"Hi, everyone . . ." Susie taps her fork on the edge of the salad bowl and waits for everyone to quiet down. I grab a paper cup of soda and a plate of veggie hot dogs, settling on one of the folding chairs we"ve put up around the yard, my back to Reeve.
"Don"t worry - I won"t be long. You know what I"m like with speeches." Susie laughs, all earlier nerves gone. "I just wanted to welcome you all to Bramble Lane and thank everyone for all their hard work." Her curls shine golden in the fading light, and she slips an arm around Adam"s waist affectionately. "You"ve all pitched in to make this happen, and we"re both so grateful for the effort. So, I guess, just have fun!" There"s applause, and everyone surges forward to congratulate them.
"Hey." I hear a low voice behind me and turn to find Reeve. He grins at me, mischievous. "Come on."
"What?" I protest, but he"s already taken my hand and is leading me into the house while everybody"s attention is focused outside.
"Cute dress." Reeve pulls me into the tiny laundry room and closes the door. He moves closer, slipping his hands around my waist. Then he kisses me.
For a moment, I let him. He smells like some kind of aftershave or deodorant, fresh and woodsy, and as he pushes me back against the dryer, my pulse picks up again with a jolt. His lips are soft but insistent, his body solid and familiar around me. I relax into his arms and kiss him back, breathless, until - "Wait." I remember myself, pushing him away.
He grins, pushing hair out of my eyes. "Don"t worry, n.o.body saw." He leans in to kiss me again, but I plant both hands on his chest and push him back, harder.
"Reeve!"
He looks at me, confused. "What?"
I can"t believe him.
"What are you doing?"
"What do you think?" Slowly giving that smile that always melts me, he plants tiny kisses on my cheek, working his way toward my mouth. I duck under his arms and slip sideways, out of reach.
"You"re serious?" I look at him, amazed. s.n.a.t.c.hes of noise and laughter from the party outside drift in through the side window, but at last, I"m not worried about getting caught. "You b.i.t.c.h at me in front of our friends, ignore me all evening, and then you expect to come back, for this?"
"I was just teasing!"
"No, you were being a jerk." I fold my arms and glare at him. After days of not telling Olivia how I feel, I"ve had enough of keeping quiet and smoothing things over.
Finally realizing something"s not right, Reeve begins to backtrack. "Hey, I"m sorry - I was just messing around at the lake." He takes my hand. "I didn"t think you"d take it like that."
"I took it how you said it," I tell him, standing firm. He"s twisting his fingers through mine, but I refuse to let that melting feeling in my stomach win this time. "You can"t just act like that. It"s not right."
He drops my hand. "Hey, you said you were cool with keeping this a secret."
"And I was." I swallow, realizing for the first time what I have to do. I"ve insisted I"m fine with this casual thing so much that he actually believes me. But I"m not.
"It"s been fun, but I don"t want to do this anymore," I tell him firmly. I"ve only got a few days left, but they"re not worth feeling this insecure.
There"s a long pause. Reeve looks at me. "What do you mean?"
I take a breath. "I mean, I don"t want to keep going like this. Sneaking around. I don"t like it when you"re so, I don"t know, casual, around everyone else." I hate laying my feelings out like this, but I force myself to keep going. Meeting his eyes, I add in a quiet voice, "It hurts me."
"But you said -"
"I know I did," I admit. "And it"s been great. Really great." I think of our nights on the back porch, of the first thrill of sneaking away. But all Reeve"s kisses can"t take away the sting I feel when he barely looks my way with the others. "I didn"t think it through, OK? I didn"t know it would bother me, but it does."
There. It"s said.
I wait, hoping for some kind of agreement. For Reeve to tell me that he doesn"t like it either, and all the ha.s.sle and sneaking is stupid when we could just be. Normal.
Instead, his lips press together in a thin line. "What is this, some kind of ultimatum? I"ve told you: I don"t want everyone knowing my business, not again. I mean, you"re leaving next week!"
"Right," I say, disappointed, but still calm. "And I get that you have all this stuff from what happened with Kate." At this, he flinches slightly. "But I don"t want to spend my last days in town feeling c.r.a.ppy and ignored." I exhale, feeling a lightness in me. Relief. "So you do whatever you want."
I leave him there, by the pile of Fiona"s dirty laundry. I feel a pang as I walk away, but somehow, I think it"s more for what we won"t be - the fact that I"m leaving and that this will only ever be a brief summer thing.
Walking through the house, I see some kind of commotion in the front yard, lit up by the bright porch lights. There"s a truck in the driveway, printed with some kind of official insignia, and Adam is frowning while Olivia gestures wildly to a middle-aged woman in a uniform.
Olivia? I quickly hurry toward them.
"I"m sure we went through the plans when we talked to the permit office," Adam is saying when I arrive. He looks confused. "I just have to find the papers. . . ."
"What"s going on?" I ask, directing my question at Olivia. She turns away, stuffing her hands into the pockets of her cargo pants. "Is everything OK? Should I get Susie?"
"No, it"s just a misunderstanding," Adam says quickly. "No need to worry her."
The woman shifts, impatient. "I was told this was an environmental emergency."
"Well, what can I say? You know how dramatic kids get." Adam gives Olivia a look, and begins to guide the woman toward the house. "How about you go on back and join the party, while I find those permits?" She seems reluctant, but Adam urges her. "We"ve got some killer barbecue left, and I know Mrs. Johnson brought some of those famous brownies of hers . . ."
"Oh, well, maybe just a minute." The woman smiles for the first time and follows him toward those famous brownies.
I turn to Olivia.
"What?" she mumbles, sullen. "They were going to cut that tree down. What was I supposed to do?"
"I don"t know. How about nothing?" I stare at her in amazement. She actually called the cops on them - or, according to the truck, the Graystone Valley Environmental Protection Agency. I blink, lost for words for a moment.
"I can"t believe you!" I exclaim finally. "They fixed things with your parents, and let you stay, and have been so freaking nice to you! This is really how you repay them? By trying to screw up their big opening day, after so much work?"
But Olivia doesn"t seem to care. She shrugs, as if nothing I"ve said even matters. "They shouldn"t be cutting it down. And if you were a good Green Teen, you would have called it in weeks ago."
I sag back against the truck and look at her, numb. It"s dark out now, shadows looming, and the distance between us I"ve been trying so hard to ignore can"t be denied. It"s different now. No matter how much I want to convince myself that she"ll come around, or go back to the way she used to be, Olivia isn"t the person I"ve known all these years.
And maybe I"m not, either.
"These people are like family to me." I try to make her see, one last time. "I don"t understand how you can do something like this."
"You can"t be on their side!" she protests. "You know that what they"re doing is wrong."
"Wrong?" I blink. "Livvy, it"s not like they"re paving over a couple of acres or - or killing baby seals. It"s one tree! And don"t you think they"ve thought it through - checked how much damage it"ll do, or if there"s anything nesting there? Come on, Livvy, not everyone in the world is part of your freaking capitalist conspiracy!"
"I should have known you"d be like this." Olivia"s face becomes tight. "Cash said you weren"t committed to -"
"Will you just shut up about Cash?" I finally lose all patience. "Do you have a single original thought left, or has he brainwashed you completely?"
"Brainwashed!" Olivia yells back. "You think this is all because of him? That I don"t believe in fighting for what"s right?"
"But it"s not right, is it?" I shake my head at her, amazed at how completely she"s missing the point. I"ve kept quiet for days - out of confusion, and fear that I"ve lost her completely. But it"s done. Her summer has taken her to the extreme of our environmentalism, just as I"ve realized the other side to my beliefs: compromise and priorities.
"You think waving a placard around and getting arrested will achieve anything at all, besides s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up your life? G.o.d, Olivia, it would be one thing if any of that stuff works, but it doesn"t. It"s not the way to get things done!"
"And what is the right way?" She glares at me, her features screwed up in a mean expression that I never thought I"d see. "You"ve abandoned everything we believe in to fit in here. You should see how pathetic you look, falling over yourself for Reeve. Or maybe you don"t care!" She gives a snort. "As long as these hicks like you. G.o.d, Jenna and her perfect Stillwater gang, what a f.u.c.king joke."
"Don"t start on them," I warn her, nails digging deep in my palms.
"Why not?" she cries. "They"re the reason you"re being such a b.i.t.c.h, isn"t it? You think Cash has brainwashed me, but what about you, huh? What about killing innocent creatures with your precious gay best friend, Ethan?"
There"s a sudden noise behind her, and we both spin around. Standing on the front porch, staring at us in horror, is Ethan.
And Fiona. And Grady.
"What the h.e.l.l?" Grady reels back. He blinks, turning slowly from us to his brother. "What"s she talking about?"
Ethan is frozen, eyes wide.
"Nothing!" I say quickly, trying to cover. "She"s just kidding around."
"I"m not," Olivia announces. She stalks up the front steps and sneers at Ethan. "Whoopsie, looks like your secret is out. Ha, out. Funny." With a mean little smile, she pushes past them and disappears inside, leaving us alone under the glow of the porch lights.
There"s a long silence, filled by the noise and laughter from the backyard. It"s late, and they"re all getting drunk on punch and ice-box beers. There"s n.o.body to hear us here.
"Dude." Grady tugs Ethan"s sleeve. "She"s talking trash, right? Right?"
Ethan still hasn"t moved.
"Come on, Grady." Fiona tries to lead him away. "We were going to get more pie."
He shakes her off. "I don"t want pie. I want you to tell me she"s full of c.r.a.p." He stares at Ethan, imploring.
Ethan doesn"t say a word.
"No, man . . ." Grady backs away from him, shaking his head. "No way!"
"Grady -" Ethan tries to reach after him, but Grady angrily shoves him back. "Don"t you touch me! Don"t you dare touch me!"
Ethan stumbles back, useless. His face is stricken. Grady makes as if to lunge at him, but Fiona physically drags him back as I rush forward, planting myself between the boys. "Grady, stop!"