"It is."
That corner was probably empty in the falling rain for a long time after we were gone.
There stood the graystone bridge bearing the great O"Connell"s name, and there the River Liffey rolling cold gray waters under, and even from a block off I heard faint singing. My mind spun in a great leap back to December.
"Christmas," I murmured, "is the best time of all in Dublin."
For beggars, I meant, but left it unsaid.
For in the week before Christmas the Dublin streets teem with raven flocks of children herded by schoolmasters or nuns. They cl.u.s.ter in doorways, peer from theater lobbies, jostle in alleys, "G.o.d Rest You Merry, Gentlemen" on their lips, "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" in their eyes, tambourines in hand, snowflakes shaping a collar of grace about their tender necks. It is singing everywhere and anywhere in Dublin on such nights, and there was no night my wife and I did not walk down along Grafton Street to hear "Away in a Manger" being sung to the queue outside the cinema or "Deck the Halls" in front of the Four Provinces pub. In all, we counted in Christ"s season one night half a hundred bands of convent girls or public-school boys lacing the cold air and weaving great treadles of song up, down, over and across from end to end of Dublin. Like walking in snowfall, you could not walk among them and not be touched. The sweet beggars, I called them, who gave in turn for what you gave as you went your way.
Given such example, even the most dilapidated beggars of Dublin washed their hands, mended their torn smiles, borrowed banjos or bought a fiddle and killed a cat. They even gathered for four-part harmonies. How could they stay silent when half the world was singing and the other half, idled on the tuneful river, was paying dearly, gladly, for just another chorus?
So Christmas was best for all; the beggars worked-off key, it"s true, but there they were, one time in the year, busy.
But Christmas was over, the licorice-suited children back in their aviaries, and the beggars of the town, shut and glad for the silence, returned to their workless ways. All save the beggars on O"Connell Bridge, who, all through the year, most of them, tried to give as good as they got.
"They have their self-respect," I said, walking my wife. "I"m glad this first man here strums a guitar, the next one a fiddle. And there, now, by G.o.d, in the very center of the bridge!"
"The man we"re looking for?"
"That"s him. Squeezing the concertina. It"s all right to look. Or I think it is."
"What do you mean, you think it is? He"s blind, isn"t he?"
These raw words shocked me, as if my wife had said something indecent.
The rain fell gently, softly upon graystoned Dublin, graystoned riverbank, gray lava-flowing river.
"That"s the trouble," I said at last. "I don"t know."
And we both, in pa.s.sing, looked at the man standing there in the very middle of O"Connell Bridge.
He was a man of no great height, a bandy statue swiped from some country garden perhaps, and his clothes, like the clothes of most in Ireland, too often laundered by the weather, and his hair too often grayed by the smoking air, and his cheeks sooted with beard, and a nest or two of witless hair in each cupped ear, and the blushing cheeks of a man who has stood too long in the cold and drunk too much in the pub so as to stand too long in the cold again. Dark gla.s.ses covered his eyes, and there was no telling what lay behind. I had begun to wonder, weeks back, if his sight prowled me along, d.a.m.ning my guilty speed, or if only his ears caught the pa.s.sing of a harried conscience. There was that awful fear I might seize, in pa.s.sing, the gla.s.ses from his nose. But I feared much more the abyss I might find, into which my senses, in one terrible roar, might tumble. Best not to know if civet"s...o...b..or interstellar s.p.a.ce gaped behind the smoked panes.
But, even more, there was a special reason why I could not let the man be.
In the rain and wind and snow, for two solid months, I had seen him standing here with no cap or hat on his head.
He was the only man in all of Dublin I saw in the downpours and drizzles who stood by the hour alone with the drench mizzling his ears, threading his ash-red hair, plastering it over his skull, rivuleting his eyebrows, and purling over the coal-black insect lenses of the gla.s.ses on his rain-pearled nose.
Down through the greaves of his cheeks, the lines about his mouth, and off his chin, like a storm on a gargoyle"s flint, the weather ran. His sharp chin shot the guzzle in a steady fauceting off in the air, down his tweed scarf and locomotive-colored coat.
"Why doesn"t he wear a hat?" I said suddenly.
"Why," said my wife, "maybe he hasn"t got one."
"He must have one," I said.
"Keep your voice down."
"He"s got to have one," I said, quieter.
"Maybe he can"t afford one."
"n.o.body"s that poor, even in Dublin. Everyone has a cap at least!"
"Well, maybe he has bills to pay, someone sick."
"But to stand out for weeks, months, in the rain, and not so much as flinch or turn his head, ignore the rain, it"s beyond understanding." I shook my head. "I can only think it"s a trick. That must be it. Like the others, this is his way of getting sympathy, of making you cold and miserable as himself as you go by, so you"ll give him more."
"I bet you"re sorry you said that already," said my wife.
"I am. I am." For even under my cap the rain was running off my nose. "Sweet G.o.d in heaven, what"s the answer?"
"Why don"t you ask him?"
"No." I was even more afraid of that.
Then the last thing happened, the thing that went with his standing bareheaded in the cold rain.
For a moment, while we had been talking at some distance, he had been silent. Now, as if the weather had freshened him to life, he gave his concertina a great mash. From the folding, unfolding snake box he squeezed a series of asthmatic notes which were no preparation for what followed.
He opened his mouth. He sang.
The sweet clear baritone voice which rang over O"Connell Bridge, steady and sure, was beautifully shaped and controlled, not a quiver, not a flaw, anywhere in it. The man just opened his mouth, which meant that all kinds of secret doors in his body gave way. He did not sing so much as let his soul free.
"Oh," said my wife, "how lovely."
"Lovely." I nodded.
We listened while he sang the full irony of Dublin"s Fair City where it rains twelve inches a month the winter through, followed by the white-wine clarity of Kathleen Mavourneen, Macushlah, and all the other tired lads, la.s.ses, lakes, hills, past glories, present miseries, but all somehow revived and moving about young and freshly painted in the light spring, suddenly-not-winter rain. If he breathed at all, it must have been through his ears, so smooth the line, so steady the putting forth of word following round belled word.
"Why," said my wife, "he could be on the stage."
"Maybe he was once."
"Oh, he"s too good to be standing here."
"I"ve thought that often."
My wife fumbled with her purse. I looked from her to the singing man, the rain falling on his bare head, streaming through his sh.e.l.lacked hair, trembling on his ear lobes. My wife had her purse open.
And then, the strange perversity. Before my wife could move toward him, I took her elbow and led her down the other side of the bridge. She pulled back for a moment, giving me a look, then came along.
As we went away along the bank of the Liffey, he started a new song, one we had heard often in Ireland. Glancing back, I saw him, head proud, black gla.s.ses taking the pour, mouth open, and the fine voice clear: "I"ll be glad when you"re dead in your grave, old man, Be glad when you"re dead in your grave, old man.
Be glad when you"re dead, Flowers over your head, And then I"ll marry the journeyman. . . ."
It is only later, looking back, that you see that while you were doing all the other things in your life, working on an article concerning one part of Ireland in your rain-battered hotel, taking your wife to dinner, wandering in the museums, you also had an eye beyond to the street and those who served themselves who only stood to wait.
The beggars of Dublin, who bothers to wonder on them, look, see, know, understand? Yet the outer sh.e.l.l of the eye sees and the inner sh.e.l.l of the mind records, and yourself, caught between, ignores the rare service these two halves of a bright sense are up to.
So I did and did not concern myself with beggars. So I did run from them or walk to meet them, by turn. So I heard but did not hear, considered but did not consider: "There"s only a few of us left!"
One day I was sure the stone gargoyle man taking his daily shower on O"Connell Bridge while he sang Irish opera was not blind. And the next his head to me was a cup of darkness.
One afternoon I found myself lingering before a tweed shop near O"Connell Bridge, staring in, staring in at a stack of good thick burly caps. I did not need another cap, I had a life"s supply collected in a suitcase, yet in I went to pay out money for a fine warm brown-colored cap which I turned round and round in my hands, in a strange trance.
"Sir," said the clerk. "That cap is a seven. I would guess your head, sir, at a seven and one half."
"This will fit me. This will fit me." I stuffed the cap into my pocket.
"Let me get you a sack, sir-"
"No!" Hot-cheeked, suddenly suspicious of what I was up to, I fled.
There was the bridge in the soft rain. All I need do now was walk over- In the middle of the bridge, my singing man was not there.
In his place stood an old man and woman cranking a great piano-box hurdy-gurdy which racheted and coughed like a coffee grinder eating gla.s.s and stone, giving forth no melody but a grand and melancholy sort of iron indigestion.
I waited for the tune, if tune it was, to finish. I kneaded the new tweed cap in my sweaty fist while the hurdy-gurdy p.r.i.c.kled, spanged and thumped.
"Be d.a.m.ned to ya!" the old man and old woman, furious with their job, seemed to say, their faces thunderous pale, their eyes red-hot in the rain. "Pay us! Listen! But we"ll give you no tune! Make up your own!" their mute lips said.
And standing there on the spot where the beggar always sang without his cap, I thought, Why don"t they take one fiftieth of the money they make each month and have the thing tuned? If I were cranking the box, I"d want a tune, at least for myself! If you were cranking the box, I answered. But you"re not. And it"s obvious they hate the begging job, who"d blame them, and want no part of giving back a familiar song as recompense.
How different from my capless friend.
My friend?
I blinked with surprise, then stepped forward and nodded.
"Beg pardon. The man with the concertina . . ."
The woman stopped cranking and glared at me.
"Ah?"
"The man with no cap in the rain."
"Ah, him!" snapped the woman.
"He"s not here today?"
"Do you see him?" cried the woman.
She started cranking the infernal device.
I put a penny in the tin cup.
She peered at me as if I"d spit in the cup.
I put in another penny. She stopped.
"Do you know where he is?" I asked.
"Sick. In bed. The d.a.m.n cold! We heard him go off, coughing."
"Do you know where he lives?"
"No!"
"Do you know his name?"
"Now, who would know that!"
I stood there, feeling directionless, thinking of the man somewhere off in the town, alone. I looked at the new cap foolishly.
The two old people were watching me uneasily.
I put a last shilling in the cup.
"He"ll be all right," I said, not to them, but to someone, hopefully, myself.
The woman heaved the crank. The bucketing machine let loose a fall of gla.s.s and junk in its hideous interior.
"The tune," I said, numbly. "What is it?"
"You"re deaf!" snapped the woman. "It"s the national anthem! Do you mind removing your cap?"
I showed her the new cap in my hand.
She glared up. "Your cap, man, your cap!"
"Oh!" Flushing, I seized the old cap from my head.
Now I had a cap in each hand.
The woman cranked. The "music" played. The rain hit my brow, my eyelids, my mouth.
On the far side of the bridge I stopped for the hard, the slow decision: which cap to try on my drenched skull?
During the next week I pa.s.sed the bridge often, but there was always just the old couple there with their pandemonium device, or no one there at all.
On the last day of our visit, my wife started to pack the new tweed cap away with my others, in the suitcase.
"Thanks, no." I took it from her. "Let"s keep it out, on the mantel, please. There."