Standing on Sixth Avenue, looking north from midtown, staring at the buildings the cars and the buses and the people and the tallwalkers, that"s when he had his realization: He was not meant to be in this world.
It just didn"t suit him. He could see its workings, see how its politics and policies were flawed, see how the system needed debugging, see what made its people work, but he couldn"t touch it. Every time he reached in to adjust its settings, he got mangled by its gears. He couldn"t convince his bosses that he knew what they were doing wrong. He couldn"t convince his colleagues that he knew best. Nothing he did succeeded-every attempt he made to right the wrongs of the world made him miserable and made everyone else angry.
Lawrence knew about humans, so he knew about this: this was the exact profile of the people in the Order. Normally he would have taken the subway home. It was forty blocks to his place, and he didn"t get around so well anymore. Plus there was the rain and the wind.
But today, he walked, huffing and limping, using his cane more and more as he got further and further uptown, his knee complaining with each step. He got to his apartment and found that the elevator was out of service-second time that month-and so he took the stairs. He arrived at his apartment so out of breath he felt like he might vomit.
He stood in the doorway, clutching the frame, looking at his sofa and table, the piles of books, the dirty dishes from that morning"s breakfast in the little sink. He"d watched a series of short videos about the Order once, and he"d been struck by the little monastic cells each member occupied, so neat, so tidy, everything in its perfect place, serene and thoughtful.
So unlike his place.
He didn"t bother to lock the door behind him when he left. They said New York was the burglary capital of the developed world, but he didn"t know anyone who"d been burgled. If the burglars came, they were welcome to everything they could carry away and the landlord could take the rest. He was not meant to be in this world.
He walked back out into the rain and, what the h.e.l.l, hailed a cab, and, Hail Mary, one stopped when he put his hand out. The cabbie grunted when he said he was going to Staten Island, but, what the h.e.l.l, he pulled three twenties out of his wallet and slid them through the gla.s.s part.i.tion. The cabbie put the pedal down. The rain sliced through the Manhattan canyons and battered the windows and they went over the Verrazano Bridge and he said goodbye to his life and the outside world forever, seeking a world he could be a part of.
Or at least, that"s how he felt, as his heart swelled with the drama of it all. But the truth was much less glamorous. The brothers who admitted him at the gate were cheerful and a little weird, like his co-workers, and he didn"t get a nice clean cell to begin with, but a bunk in a shared room and a detail helping to build more quarters. And they didn"t leave his stuff for the burglars-someone from the Order went and cleaned out his place and put his stuff in a storage locker on campus, made good with his landlord and so on. By the time it was all over, it all felt a little. . . ordinary. But in a good way, Ordinary was good. It had been a long time since he"d felt ordinary. Order, ordinary. They went together. He needed ordinary.
The Securitat van played a cheerful engine-tone as it zipped down the street towards him. It looked like a children"s drawing-a perfect little electrical box with two seats in front and a meshed-in lockup in the rear. It accelerated smoothly down the street towards him, then braked perfectly at his toes, rocking slightly on its suspension as its doors gull-winged up.
"Cool!" he said, involuntarily, stepping back to admire the smart little car. He reached for the lifelogger around his neck and aimed it at the two Securitat officers who were debarking, moving with stiff grace in their armor. As he raised the lifelogger, the officer closest to him reached out with serpentine speed and s.n.a.t.c.hed it out of his hands, power-a.s.sisted fingers coming together on it with a loud, plasticky crunk as the device shattered into a rain of fragments. Just as quickly, the other officer had come around the vehicle and seized Lawrence"s wrists, bringing them together in a painful, machine-a.s.sisted grip.
The one who had crushed his lifelogger pa.s.sed his palms over Lawrence"s chest, arms and legs, holding them a few millimeters away from him. Lawrence"s pan went nuts, intrusion detection sensors reporting multiple hostile reads of his identifiers, millimeter-wave radar scans, HERF attacks, and a.s.sorted shenanigans. All his feedback systems went to full alert, going from itchy, back-of-theneck liminal sensations into high intensity pinches, prods and buzzes. It was a deeply alarming sensation, like his internal organs were under attack.
He choked out an incoherent syllable, and the Securitat man who was handwanding him raised a warning finger, holding it so close to his nose he went cross-eyed. He fell silent while the man continued to wand him, twitching a little to let his pan know that it was all OK.
"From the cult, then, are you?" the Securitat man said, after he"d kicked Lawrence"s ankles apart and spread his hands on the side of the truck.
"That"s right," Lawrence said. "From the Order. " He jerked his head toward the gates, just a few tantalizing meters away. "I"m out-"
"You people are really something, you know that? You could have been killed. Let me tell you a few things about how the world works: when you are approached by the Securitat, you stand still with your hands stretched straight out to either side. You do not raise unidentified devices and point them at the officers. Not unless you"re trying to commit suicide by cop. Is that what you"re trying to do?"
"No," Lawrence said. "No, of course not. I was just taking a picture for-"
"And you do not photograph or log our security procedures. There"s a war on, you know. " the man"s forehead bunched together. "Oh, for s.h.i.t"s sake. We should take you in now, you know it? Tie up a dozen people"s day, just to process you through the system. You could end up in a cell for, oh, I don"t know, a month. You want that?"
"Of course not," Lawrence said. "I didn"t realize-"
"You didn"t, but you should have. If you"re going to come walking around here where the real people are, you have to learn how to behave like a real person in the real world. "
The other man, who had been impa.s.sively holding Lawrence"s wrists in a crushing grip, eased up. "Let him go?" he said.
The first officer shook his head. "If I were you, I would turn right around, walk through those gates, and never come out again. Do I make myself clear?"
Lawrence wasn"t clear at all. Was the cop ordering him to go back? Or just giving him advice? Would he be arrested if he didn"t go back in? It had been a long time since Lawrence had dealt with authority and the feeling wasn"t a good one. His chest heaved, and sweat ran down the his back, pooling around his a.s.s, then moving in rivulets down the backs of his legs.
"I understand," he said. Thinking: I understand that asking questions now would not be a good idea.
The subway was more or less as he remembered it, though the long line of people waiting to get through the turnstiles turned out to be a line to go through a security checkpoint, complete with bag-search and X-ray. But the New Yorkers were the same-no one made eye contact with anyone else, but if they did, everyone shared a kind of bitter shrug, as if to say, Ain"t it the f.u.c.kin" truth?
But the smell was the same-oil and damp and bleach and the indefinable, human smell of a place where millions had pa.s.sed for decades, where millions would pa.s.s for decades to come. He found himself standing before a subway map, looking at it, comparing it to the one in his memory to find the changes, the new stations that must have sprung up during his hiatus from reality.
But there weren"t new stations. In fact, it seemed to him that there were a lot fewer stations-hadn"t there been one at Bleecker Street, and another at Cathedral Parkway? Yes, there had been-but look now, they were gone, and. . . and there were stickers, white stickers over the places where the stations had been. He reached up and touched the one over Bleecker Street.
"I still can"t get used to it, either," said a voice at his side. "I used to change for the F Train there every day when I was a kid. " It was a woman, about the same age as Gerta, but more beaten down by the years, deeper creases in her face, a stoop in her stance. But her face was kind, her eyes soft.
"What happened to it?"
She took a half-step back from him. "Bleecker Street," she said. "You know, Bleecker Street? Like 9/11? Bleecker Street?" Like the name of the station was an incantation.
It rang a bell. It wasn"t like he didn"t ever read the news, but it had a way of sliding off of you when you were on campus, as though it was some historical event in a book, not something happening right there, on the other side of the wall.
"I"m sorry," he said. "I"ve been away. Bleecker Street, yes, of course. "
She gave him a squinty stare. "You must have been very far away. "
He tried out a sheepish grin. "I"m a monk," he said. "From the Order of Reflective a.n.a.lytics. I"ve been out of the world for sixteen years. Until today, in fact. My name is Lawrence. " He stuck his hand out and she shook it like it was made of china.
"A monk," she said. "that"s very interesting. Well, you enjoy your little vacation. " She turned on her heel and walked quickly down the platform. He watched her for a moment, then turned back to the map, counting the missing stations.
When the train ground to a halt in the tunnel between 42nd and 50th street, the entire car let out a collective groan. When the lights flickered and went out, they groaned louder. The emergency lights came on in sickly green and an incomprehensible announcement played over the loudspeakers. Evidently, it was an order to evacuate, because the press of people began to struggle through the door at the front of the car, then further and further. Lawrence let the press of bodies move him too.
Once they reached the front of the train, they stepped down onto the tracks, each pa.s.senger turning silently to help the next, again with that Ain"t it the f.u.c.kin" truth? look. Lawrence turned to help the person behind him and saw that it was the woman who"d spoken to him on the platform. She smiled a little smile at him and turned with practiced ease to help the person behind her.
They walked single file on a narrow walkway beside the railings. Securitat officers were strung out at regular intervals, wearing night scopes and high, rubberized boots. They played flashlights over the walkers as they evacuated.
"Does this happen often?" Lawrence said over his shoulder. His words were absorbed by the dead subterranean air and he thought that she might not have heard him but then she sighed.
"Only every time there"s an anomaly in the head-count-when the system says there"s too many or too few people in the trains. Maybe once a week. " He could feel her staring at the back of his head. He looked back at her and saw her shaking her head. He stumbled and went down on one knee, clanging his head against the stone walls made soft by a fur of condensed train exhaust, cobwebs and dust.
She helped him to his feet. "You don"t seem like a snitch, Lawrence. But you"re a monk. Are you going to turn me in for being suspicious?"
He took a second to pa.r.s.e this out. "I don"t work for the Securitat," he said. It seemed like the best way to answer.
She snorted. "that"s not what we hear. Come on, they"re going to start shouting at us if we don"t move. "
They walked the rest of the way to an emergency staircase together, and emerged out of a sidewalk grating, blinking in the remains of the autumn sunlight, a b.l.o.o.d.y color on the gla.s.s of the highrises. She looked at him and made a face. "You"re filthy, Lawrence. " She thumped at his sleeves and great dirty clouds rose off them. He looked down at the knees of his pants and saw that they were hung with boogers of dust.
The New Yorkers who streamed past them ducked to avoid the dirty clouds. "Where can I clean up?" he said.
"Where are you staying?"
"I was thinking I"d see about getting a room at the Y or a backpacker"s hostel, somewhere to stay until I"m done. "
"Done?"
"I"m on a complicated errand. Trying to locate someone who used to be in the Order. "
Her face grew hard again. "No one gets out alive, huh?"
He felt himself blushing. "It"s not like that. Wow, you"ve got strange ideas about us. I want to find this guy because he disappeared under mysterious circ.u.mstances and I want to-" How to explain Anomalies to an outsider? "It"s a thing we do. Unravel mysteries. It makes us better people. "
"Better people?" She snorted again. "Better than what? Don"t answer. Come on, I live near here. You can wash up at my place and be on your way. You"re not going to get into any backpacker"s hostel looking like you just crawled out of a sewer-you"re more likely to get detained for being an "indigent of suspicious character. ""
He let her steer him a few yards uptown. "You think that I work for the Securitat but you"re inviting me into your home?"
She shook her head and led him around a corner, along a long crosstown block, and then turned back uptown. "No," she said. "I think you"re a confused stranger who is apt to get himself into some trouble if someone doesn"t take you in hand and help you get smart, fast. It doesn"t cost me anything to lend a hand, and you don"t seem like the kind of guy who"d mug, rape and kill an old lady. "
"The discipline," he said, "is all about keeping track of the way that the world is, and comparing it to your internal perceptions, all the time. When I entered the Order, I was really big. Fat, I mean. The discipline made me log every bit of food I ate, and I discovered a few important things: first, I was eating about twenty times a day, just grazing on whatever happened to be around. Second, that I was consuming about 4, 000 calories a day, mostly in industrial sugars like high-fructose corn syrup. Just knowing how I ate made a gigantic difference. I felt like I ate sensibly, always ordering a salad with lunch and dinner, but I missed the fact that I was glooping on half a cup of sweetened, high-fat dressing, and having a cookie or two every hour between lunch and dinner, and a half-pint of ice-cream before bed most nights.
"But it wasn"t just food-in the Order, we keep track of everything; our typing patterns, our sleeping patterns, our moods, our reading habits. I discovered that I read faster when I"ve been sleeping more, so now, when I need to really get through a lot of reading, I make sure I sleep more. Used to be I"d try to stay up all night with pots of coffee to get the reading done. Of course, the more sleep-deprived I was, the slower I read; and the slower I read the more I needed to stay up to catch up with the reading. No wonder college was such a blur.
"So that"s why I"ve stayed. It"s empiricism, it"s as old as Newton, as the Enlightenment. " He took another sip of his water, which tasted like New York tap water had always tasted (pretty good, in fact), and which he hadn"t tasted for sixteen years. The woman was called Posy, and her old leather sofa was worn but well-loved, and smelled of saddle soap. She was watching him from a kitchen chair she"d brought around to the living room of the tiny apartment, rubbing her stockinged feet over the good wool carpet that showed a few old stains hiding beneath strategically placed furnishings and knick-knacks.
He had to tell her the rest, of course. You couldn"t understand the Order unless you understood the rest. "I"m a screwup, Posy. Or at least, I was. We all were. Smart and motivated and promising, but just a wretched person to be around. Angry, bitter, all those smarts turned on biting the heads off of the people who were dumb enough to care about me or employ me. And so smart that I could talk myself into believing that it was all everyone else"s fault, the idiots. It took instrumentation, empiricism, to get me to understand the patterns of my own life, to master my life, to become the person I wanted to be. "
"Well, you seem like a perfectly nice young man now," Posy said.
That was clearly his cue to go, and he"d changed into a fresh set of trousers, but he couldn"t go, not until he"d picked apart something she"d said earlier. "Why did you think I was a snitch?"
"I think you know that very well, Lawrence," she said. "I can"t imagine someone who"s so into measuring and understanding the world could possibly have missed it. "
Now he knew what she was talking about. "We just do contract work for the Securitat. It"s just one of the ways the Order sustains itself. " the founders had gone into business refilling toner cartridges, which was like the 21st century equivalent of keeping bees or brewing dark, thick beer. They"d branched out into remote IT administration, then into data-mining and security, which was a natural for people with Order training. "But it"s all anonymized. We don"t snitch on people. We report on anomalous events. We do it for lots of different companies, too-not just the Securitat. "
Posy walked over to the window behind her small dining room table, rolling away a couple of handsome old chairs on castors to reach it. She looked down over the billion lights of Manhattan, stretching all the way downtown to Brooklyn. She motioned to him to come over, and he squeezed in beside her. They were on the twenty-third floor, and it had been many years since he"d stood this high and looked down. The world is different from high up.
"There," she said, pointing at an apartment building across the way. "there, you see it? With the broken windows?" He saw it, the windows covered in cardboard. "they took them away last week. I don"t know why. You never know why. You become a person of interest and they take you away and then later, they always find a reason to keep you away. "
Lawrence"s hackles were coming up. He found stuff that didn"t belong in the data-he didn"t arrest people. "So if they always find a reason to keep you away, doesn"t that mean-"
She looked like she wanted to slap him and he took a step back. "We"re all guilty of something, Lawrence. That"s how the game is rigged. Look closely at anyone"s life and you"ll find, what, a little black-marketeering, a copyright infringement, some cash economy business with unreported income, something obscene in your Internet use, something in your bloodstream that shouldn"t be there. I bought that sofa from a cop, Lawrence, bought it ten years ago when he was leaving the building. He didn"t give me a receipt and didn"t collect tax, and technically that makes us offenders. " She slapped the radiator. "I overrode the governor on this ten minutes after they installed it. Everyone does it. They make it easy-you just stick a penny between two contacts and hey presto, the city can"t turn your heat down anymore. They wouldn"t make it so easy if they didn"t expect everyone to do it-and once everyone"s done it, we"re all guilty.
"The people across the street, they were Pakistani or maybe Sri Lankan or Bangladeshi. I"d see the wife at the service laundry. Nice professional lady, always lugging around a couple kids on their way to or from day-care. She-" Posy broke off and stared again. "I once saw her reach for her change and her sleeve rode up and there was a number tattooed there, there on her wrist. " Posy shuddered. "When they took her and her husband and their kids, she stood at the window and pounded at it and screamed for help. You could hear her from here. "
"That"s terrible," Lawrence said. "But what does it have to do with the Order?"
She sat back down. "For someone who is supposed to know himself, you"re not very good at connecting the dots. "
Lawrence stood up. He felt an obscure need to apologize. Instead, he thanked her and put his gla.s.s in the sink. She shook his hand solemnly.
"Take care out there," she said. "Good luck finding your escapee. "
Here"s what Lawrence knew about Zbigniew Krotoski. He had been inducted into the Order four years earlier. He was a native-born New Yorker. He had spent his first two years in the Order trying to coax some of the elders into a variety of pointless flamewars about the ethics of working for the Securitat, and then had settled into being a very productive member. He spent his 20 percent time-the time when each monk had to pursue non-work-related projects-building aerial photography rigs out of box-kites and tiny cameras that the Monks installed on their systems to help them monitor their body mechanics and ergonomic posture.
Zbigkrot performed in the eighty-fifth percentile of the Order, which was respectable enough. Lawrence had started there and had crept up and down as low as 70 and as high as 88, depending on how he was doing in the rest of his life. Zbigkrot was active in the gardens, both the big ones where they grew their produce and a little allotment garden where he indulged in baroque cross-breeding experiments, which were in vogue among the monks then.
The Securitat stream to which he"d added sixty-eight bytes was long gone, but it was the kind of thing that the Order handled on a routine basis: given the timing and other characteristics, Lawrence thought it was probably a stream of purchase data from hardware and grocery stores, to be inspected for unusual patterns that might indicate someone buying bomb ingredients. Zbigkrot had worked on this kind of data thousands of times before, six times just that day. He"d added the sixty-eight bytes and then left, invoking his right to do so at the lone gate. The gatekeeper on duty remembered him carrying a little rucksack, and mentioning that he was going to see his sister in New York.
Zbigkrot once had a sister in New York-that much could be ascertained. Anja Krotoski had lived on 23rd Street in a co-op near Lexington. But that had been four years previous, when he"d joined the Order, and she wasn"t there anymore. Her numbers all rang dead.
The apartment building had once been a pleasant, middle-cla.s.s sort of place, with a red awning and a niche for a doorman. Now it had become more run down, the awning"s edges frayed, one pane of lobby gla.s.s broken out and replaced with a sheet of cardboard. The doorman was long gone.
It seemed to Lawrence that this fate had befallen many of the City"s buildings. They reminded him of the buildings he"d seen in Belgrade one time, when he"d been sent out to brief a gang of outsource programmers his boss had hired-neglected for years, indifferently patched by residents who had limited access to materials.
It was the dinner hour, and a steady trickle of people were letting themselves into Anja"s old building. Lawrence watched a couple of them enter the building and noticed something wonderful and sad: as they approached the building, their faces were the hard masks of city-dwellers, not meeting anyone"s eye, clipping along at a fast pace that said, "Don"t screw with me. " But once they pa.s.sed the threshold of their building and the door closed behind them, their whole affect changed. They slumped, they smiled at one another, they leaned against the mailboxes and set down their bags and took off their hats and fluffed their hair and turned back into people.
He remembered that feeling from his life before, the sense of having two faces: the one he showed to the world and the one that he reserved for home. In the Order, he only wore one face, one that he knew in exquisite detail.
He approached the door now, and his pan started to throb ominously, letting him know that he was enduring hostile probes. The building wanted to know who he was and what business he had there, and it was attempting to fingerprint everything about him from his pan to his gait to his face.
He took up a position by the door and dialed back the pan"s response to a dull pulse. He waited for a few minutes until one of the residents came down: a middle-aged man with a dog, a little sickly-looking schnauzer with grey in its muzzle.
"Can I help you?" the man said, from the other side of the security door, not unlatching it.
"I"m looking for Anja Krotoski," he said. "I"m trying to track down her brother. "
The man looked him up and down. "Please step away from the door. "
He took a few steps back. "Does Ms. Krotoski still live here?"
The man considered. "I"m sorry, sir, I can"t help you. " He waited for Lawrence to react.
"You don"t know, or you can"t help me?"
"Don"t wait under this awning. The police come if anyone waits under this awning for more than three minutes. "
The man opened the door and walked away with his dog.
His phone rang before the next resident arrived. He c.o.c.ked his head to answer it, then remembered that his lifelogger was dead and dug in his jacket for a mic. There was one at his wrist pulse-points used by the health array. He unvelcroed it and held it to his mouth.
"h.e.l.lo?"
"It"s Gerta, boyo. Wanted to know how your Anomaly was going. "
"Not good," he said. "I"m at the sister"s place and they don"t want to talk to me. "
"You"re walking up to strangers and asking them about one of their neighbors, huh?"
He winced. "Put it that way, yeah, OK, I understand why this doesn"t work. But Gerta, I feel like Rip Van Winkle here. I keep putting my foot in it. It"s so different. "
"People are people, Lawrence. Every bad behavior and every good one lurks within us. They were all there when you were in the world-in different proportion, with different triggers. But all there. You know yourself very well. Can you observe the people around you with the same keen attention?"
He felt slightly put upon. "that"s what I"m trying-"
"Then you"ll get there eventually. What, you"re in a hurry?"
Well, no. He didn"t have any kind of timeline. Some people chased Anomalies for years. But truth be told, he wanted to get out of the City and back onto campus. "I"m thinking of coming back to Campus to sleep. "
Gerta clucked. "Don"t give in to the agoraphobia, Lawrence. Hang in there. You haven"t even heard my news yet, and you"re already ready to give up?"