"I...um..." Emily suddenly became aware that her nighty was still rucked up and her panties were down around her knees. She felt almost unbearably exposed but her a.s.s really did hurt and the cool cloth was as soft as silk to her stinging flesh. Tragar was watching her patiently, waiting to hear her answer. Finally, she nodded and buried her face in her arms. "All right," she whispered.
"Forgive me." His deep voice was surprisingly filled with pain. "I told you there are ways to hold the Kalor back but I didn"t want to use them on you. I...I felt I had no choice."
Emily felt a jagged little laugh escape her. "Of course not. "I gave you ample reason to do what you did."
"It was the only way to drive your Kit"tara back," he murmured, dipping the cloth in the bowl again and pressing it gently to her sore bottom. "You were becoming most...insistent."
"Insistent about throwing myself at you. And asking you to...to... Oh G.o.d..." Emily m.u.f.fled a fresh sob against her arm. "G.o.d, I"m so sorry..."
"No." Suddenly she was being lifted from the bed until she came face to face with him. The big Kindred held her gently but firmly by the arms and looked into her eyes. "No," he said again, frowning. "You don"t need to be sorry."
"Yes I do after the way I acted-the way I let her make me act," Emily flared at him.
"The Kit"tara is a force to be reckoned with," he said gruffly. "When it emerges, it brings uncontrollable desires...unquenchable l.u.s.ts. You are not to blame for any of that."
"Yes, I am," Emily said stubbornly. "I should have controlled it-should have found a way to shut it down somehow."
He frowned.
"There was no way for you to-"
"You don"t understand," Emily interrupted. "That-what I was doing? The way I was acting? That was exactly how I was acting the night Grayson and I...the night he...that night."
Emily didn"t know why she was telling him this-admitting things she hadn"t even told her older sister, who was the only one she"d confided to about what had happened. But somehow once she started, she couldn"t seem to stop.
"I...I was all over him," she whispered brokenly. "Right out in the bar in the open-everyone saw it. I was shameless-exactly the way I was with you just now. Only Grayson didn"t try to stop me-or himself."
"Of course not. He is a male without honor." He sounded angry now but Emily could tell it wasn"t at her-he was still enraged at Grayson. It made her feel better to hear the anger in his voice and know it was directed at her attacker but she still wasn"t sure she deserved his absolution.
"I didn"t want him to stop," she said in a low voice. "Not at first. Not until he started to...to put...to put himself inside of me." G.o.d, she could barely get the words out but somehow they had to come. This was like a wound that had been festering much too long-the poison had to come out. The big Kindred seemed to understand.
"Go on," he murmured though there was a pained expression on his face. "Say what you need to say."
"He...it..." Emily shook her head, trying to put what had happened into words. "I wanted it so much-felt like I"d die if I didn"t have it. If I didn"t get..."
"Get bred," he finished for her.
Emily looked down at her hands. "I was going to say if I didn"t get f.u.c.ked."
"Breeding is the culmination of Tenrah," he told her. "But it must not happen until the Khalla has pa.s.sed through all four stages. An early breeding often means death."
"I wanted to die," Emily whispered, looking up at him. "It...it hurt so much. But it wasn"t just the pain. It was the...the wrongness." She shook her head. "I can"t explain it any better than that. It just felt so awful... like I was doing something unnatural and sick. Something perverted..."
"He wasn"t your species," Tragar rumbled. "Your body knew that. A male Kindred can mate with almost any receptive female, no matter the species. But a Khalla can only be bred by one of her own kind."
"So that"s why it hurt so much? Why it felt so wrong?" Emily shivered. "I mean aside from the fact that he was...doing what he was doing after I begged him not to."
"Your body rejected him. Or tried to anyway."
"I did try," Emily said fiercely. "I fought and kicked and bit and shouted for him to stop." She looked away. "He wouldn"t."
"As I said, a male without honor." His deep voice was little more than a growl and she could see that his large hands had bunched into fists, as though he was longing to hurt Grayson-to make him pay for his brutality all those years ago. His anger on her behalf gave her the courage to go on-to finish what she needed to say.
"Afterwards he..." She swallowed and her throat clicked dryly. "Afterwards he said no one would believe me and I knew he was right. So many people had seen me coming on to him...so many people saw us leave together-saw me practically dragging him out of there. Grayson said he only...only gave me what I asked for. And...and I did ask for it. Right up until he started doing it I wanted it-needed it. And then it all changed. The other deserted me-she got me into that mess and then she left and I was stuck and I couldn"t get away..."
"It wasn"t your fault or the fault of your Kit"tara either."
"Yeah, right." She looked away.
"Look at me." He lifted her chin. "It wasn"t your fault, Emily," he repeated firmly. "You were in Tenrah-in heat on a planet that knows nothing of such things. But even if you hadn"t been-even if you had been the Earth female you believed yourself to be-he should have stopped when you asked him to."
"He said he couldn"t. He said once you push a man too far-"
"That"s lisht," he said harshly. "In your language, bulls.h.i.t." A male can always stop-a male with honor will always stop when a female asks him to."
Emily wanted to believe him-wanted to let the load of guilt she"d been carrying for years drop away but it was hard...so hard to let go of a burden that had almost become part of her.
"But the way I was coming on to him..."
"Was it the way you were acting towards me?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
Emily nodded and hung her head.
"Yes, like I said. Exactly."
"Look at me, Emily." He lifted her chin again. "The way you touched me...the feel of you in my arms...and most of all your scent..." He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. "G.o.ds," he nearly groaned, looking at her again. "All these things are incredibly arousing-you are incredibly arousing."
"I...I am?" She couldn"t help feeling surprised. For so long she"d thought of herself as just a mousy little kindergarten teacher-a plus sized girl with a slightly pretty face and nothing much else to recommend her. Yet here was this huge Kindred warrior saying he found her "arousing." How could it be?
"You are," he murmured. "Yet I didn"t take what you offered because I knew it was wrong-knew that I was wrong for you." He frowned. "That b.a.s.t.a.r.d who hurt you should have done the same-could have done the same. He should have stopped."
"I...he..."
"Listen..." He looked at her intently. "You had the right to change your mind. You had the right to say no-no matter what you felt or wanted before. When your feelings changed it was your prerogative to end the encounter. He should have accorded you that right and respected your choice."
"Thank you." She couldn"t bear the intensity in his golden eyes and had to look down at her hands. "Thank you, I...I"ve never been able to tell anyone all of it before-not even my sister. I...I don"t feel quite so ashamed anymore."
"We have all done things we feel shame for," he said briefly.
"What are you ashamed of?" she asked curiously. "I mean, you said you"re an a.s.sa.s.sin-are you sorry for the people you"ve killed?" Then she bit her lip. Oh G.o.d, had she really just asked him that? What had possessed her?
"That is not the shame I speak of." His voice was low, almost too low to hear.
Emily could hear the warning bells going off in her brain but somehow she couldn"t stop herself from asking.
"What is it then?
For a moment, she almost thought he might answer. Then his face darkened and he rose abruptly.
"It was nothing. Nothing that concerns you."
Silhouetted in the fire light, he looked absolutely huge-a black shadow with golden flames for eyes.
"Wait, please..." Emily held out a hand to him but he stepped away from her.
"It"s true-I have killed again and again," he said in a low growl and when he looked up at her, his eyes had gone from gold to crimson red. "I have renounced the G.o.ddess and stained my soul black with sin."
"You...you have?" Emily heard the squeak in her voice but couldn"t stop it.
Slowly, he nodded.
"I have abandoned training, faith, and morality to get where I am and I have never failed to kill my target...until now."
"You haven"t?" Another frightened squeak she seemed unable to control. Say what you wanted about the other, but when she was around, Emily certainly felt braver. Just now she felt terribly alone in her own skin. As well as extremely small and vulnerable.
The huge Kindred nodded again.
"And do you know why I cannot kill you?"
"Um..." There didn"t seem to be any reason at all. "I...I..."
"Because though I have abandoned every other aspect of my former life, I cannot abandon biology. Your scent forbids me to spill your blood. It awakes protective instincts in me that insist you must be shielded at all costs. At all costs." He emphasized that as if it was very important.
"So if I smelled different you"d just...just pull the trigger?"
"Without hesitation." He was glowering at her now, as if she could help the way she smelled to him. "I am a member of the Verrak. We kill without pity or remorse. Look at me, Emily." His eyes blazed even brighter. "I...am...Death. And I have never stayed my hand until now."
Something flared in her-maybe the other or just her own natural defiance-she didn"t like feeling backed into a corner.
"Well I"m sorry you can"t bring yourself to kill me," she snapped.
"Don"t be." He looked away, staring into the fire. "I may have ample cause to regret it but you will not. I will protect you though it costs my life to do so." Abruptly he seemed a little less scary-almost sad, Emily thought.
"Tragar-"
"I must go," he said abruptly. "This will be your room. Make yourself comfortable for the duration of the trip."
"But...but how long will that be?"
But he had already turned and left her sitting on the bed. Emily watched him go, having no idea what she should do or what might happen to her next.
Tragar paced outside the room, up and down the metal corridor that led from the living areas of his ship to the bridge. G.o.ds, what was wrong with him? Was he allowing himself to go soft?
He"d promised himself he would keep her safe and protect her from any harm or other would-be a.s.sa.s.sins-what he hadn"t promised was to have to rea.s.sure her, or to ease her pain, both physically and emotionally.
But after the spanking, he"d felt obligated to try and allay the discomfort he"d caused by bathing her softly rounded bottom with a cloth soaked in cooling elixir. And then, when she"d told the details of the human male"s attack on her, he hadn"t been able to help himself from trying to ease that pain either. The hurt in her eyes was too much to bear-too much for him to remain silent. He"d wanted to let her know the a.s.sault wasn"t her fault. That the guilt didn"t lie with her but with her attacker.
And then you almost answered her question about your past-about your secret shame. Tragar shook his head at his own foolishness. How often had he pushed that old hurt out of his head? How often had he refused to confront it? And yet the moment she asked him, he was ready to spill his dark past into her lap like so much bilge water. What in the Seven h.e.l.ls was wrong with him?
It"s her scent, he told himself uneasily. It has to be her scent. It"s working on me-making me want to admit things...tell things I"ve never told anyone. I must stand firm-I must be strong enough to keep myself apart...and to keep my hands off her lush body.
That wouldn"t be easy though. He could still vividly remember the feel of her in his arms-the brief taste he"d had of her lips. G.o.ds, she had no idea how lovely she was-how absolutely irresistible. Still, he had to resist somehow. If he meant to keep her safe he would have to guard her from both the outside forces trying to kill her, and a too-rapid acceleration of her Shift.
To the list of possible threats, Tragar now added himself. If he couldn"t resist her sweet scent-the scent of a Khalla in heat and needing to be bred-he might as well just fulfill his contract and kill her now. A shot with a sonic rifle would be less painful than a wrong and premature breeding. Especially since she"d already been through it once and the trauma was still lingering with her.
He shook his head grimly. It was a wonder the rape she had endured hadn"t killed her. But it had delayed her Tenrah considerably. He was certain, however, that she would not be spared again. If he couldn"t control himself, if he took her the way ever fiber of his being urged him to, she would not survive a second premature breeding. Emily must be allowed to go through all four stages of her Shift and then be paired with a proper chosen mate. It was the only way she could be safe.
I will be strong, Tragar promised himself sternly. I will protect her from everyone...including myself.
Chapter Ten.
"What am I going to do now?" Emily paced up and down the small but comfortable room the big Kindred had left her in. She wanted to leave it and explore the rest of the ship but she was afraid he might not like that. Was she a prisoner here? She wouldn"t have thought so before. He"d seemed so kind...so understanding there for a while. The way he"d talked to her about what Grayson had done had made her feel better about herself than she"d felt in ages. And then...
Then I was stupid enough to ask him a personal question and set him off. G.o.d, how could I be so dumb? Emily rubbed at her temples which were aching fiercely. She was a lifelong migraine sufferer and she felt a headache coming on-a really bad one. She knew the only cure would be to lie down and take a nap. But she didn"t want to do that-she wanted to be up and around finding things out. She was being taken to a whole other solar system-possibly a whole other galaxy. How could she just lie down and let it happen?
Then again, what was she going to do? Go and demand that the big Kindred turn the s.p.a.ceship around and take her home? She remembered how he"d seemed to grow into a monstrous shadow before the fire and his growling words, "I...am...Death."
G.o.d! She shivered again. No, demanding anything was clearly out. But then what could she do?
She walked around to stand in front of the small fireplace and stared down into it. A fireplace seemed like a strange thing to have aboard a s.p.a.ceship but then again, it wasn"t a regular fire at all-or at least, she"d never seen one like it. It seemed to be made of floating golden-red bubbles rather than flames but it gave off heat and light and the bubbles stayed contained in the small s.p.a.ce-it was actually rather beautiful. Not that she was interested in it right now. Right now she just wanted to- "Ow!" She put a hand to her temple again as a particularly sharp pain stabbed through her head. Okay, this was going to be one doozy of a migraine if she let it keep building. As much as she hated to admit it, she was going to have to go lie down on the vast bed at the other end of the room. If she didn"t, the pain would soon be so bad she"d be seeing double and puking her guts out.
"Well, at least I"m still wearing my nighty," she muttered resignedly, leaving the fireplace to climb back onto the huge bed with its red and gold spread. She shrugged out of her robe and laid it across the end of the bed. As she got beneath the covers and laid her head on the crimson colored pillowcase, she thought she caught a whiff of a familiar scent. Putting her face to the pillow, she breathed it in-leather and smoke and spice.
Wait-this is his bed! She sat up quickly to avoid the intoxicating male aroma but the answering spike of pain in her temple left her groaning and clutching at her head. She sank back down onto the pillow, helpless to move despite her fear that the big Kindred"s scent would affect her the way it had last time. Still, if the other wanted to come forward in the middle of a migraine, let her. It would be better than enduring the pain herself, Emily thought miserably.
Unable to help herself, she closed her eyes and tried to lie still and quiet, begging the pain to recede and not take over her brain completely. Strangely, the warm, intoxicating fragrance of the big Kindred actually seemed to help. As she breathed it in, she felt more relaxed and the invisible vise that had tightened around her temples seemed to loosen.
It had been a long night and Emily was completely worn out. The pain and fear and uncertainty she"d been feeling for the past twenty four hours finally turned into an overwhelming weariness she could neither deny nor resist. Her breathing slowed and she finally drifted off to sleep.
I wake in the night. I am thirsty. I go to the bathroom and run some water from the sink into my favorite blue mug. As I raise it to my lips, I look in the mirror and see that I am naked. Naked and pale in the moonlight streaming through the window...
But the girl who stares back at me from the mirror is not me-it is the other. She has my lips and cheekbones and nose but she gazes through me with golden eyes, her l.u.s.trous, black hair swirling around her shoulders. She looks like a princess-no, a queen coming into her own. I think she doesn"t see me or else I am completely beneath her notice. "You"re already gone," that faraway gaze says, "Why should I even bother with you?"
A male comes up behind her-it is the big Kindred. Though the other is somehow taller than me, he still towers over her. He is also naked-the moonlight caresses his muscular chest lovingly. The other turns to him with an eager smile. The look he gives back is uncertain-uncertain but hungry. There can be no doubt he desires her. She goes to him and he takes her in his arms, holding her as if she was fragile...delicate.
But the other doesn"t want to be treated with care. She wants to be taken...bred. Her need is overwhelming. I feel it welling up within me as she pulls him to her, standing on her tiptoes to demand a kiss. He resists at first but then his mouth covers hers and he pulls her close. Though it is the other he is kissing, I can feel the heat of his big body against mine. I can smell his warm, rich scent-the scent that means danger and safety at the same time.