Tragar studied the energy knife in his hand again and thumbed on the blue, humming blade. Maybe he didn"t need an honorable reason to take his own life after all...
Suddenly the indicator light to the viewscreen started blinking urgently. Tragar almost decided to ignore it but then it occurred to him that the call might have to do with Emily in some way. What if she was ill or hurt or in danger? He doubted very much anyone at the Temple would contact him in such a case but he supposed there was an outside chance...
He hit the b.u.t.ton and the viewscreen sprang to life revealing the face of the very male he had been thinking about moments before.
"Master!" Tragar looked at him in surprise.
"Tragar." Xen"dex"s eyes dropped to the glowing blue energy knife in Tragar"s hand. "What are you doing? Where is your Khalla?"
"She is not my Khalla any more-she never was." Tragar tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice but could not. "She has been given to another-not that it is very surprising considering my past."
"Yes, your past." Xen"dex was frowning. "What of it?"
"What do you mean, what of it? You know what I am. You know what I have done."
"And I know why you did it." His old Master nodded. "You had a terrible tragedy, my student, but you cannot allow it to define you."
"It already has." Tragar contemplated the knife again. "There is no point in pretending otherwise." He started to raise the blade.
"No!" Xen"dex"s voice was a roar. "No-you cannot do this, Tragar! Not now when the G.o.ddess has given you a second chance."
"What do you know of the G.o.ddess?" Tragar growled, lowering the knife.
"I know she still loves you, despite the fact that you turned your back on her. I know she grieves for your pain and loss as deeply as you do yourself."
"Then why did she let it happen in the first place?" Tragar demanded. "Why did she take Landra and Jalex away from me?"
Xen"dex shook his head. "I do not know. We live in a broken universe, my student. It is not perfect and the G.o.ddess cannot always keep us from loss and harm and sorrow. But she still loves us and grieves with us. And there are some things that are beyond our understanding-things we will not know the reason for until after we have pa.s.sed from this life to the next and we stand in her glory."
"I am contemplating such a pa.s.sing right now," Tragar admitted. "Emily is with another-a chosen mate who truly deserves her. There is no reason for me to continue."
"And is she happy?" Xen"dex"s sharp gaze bored into him. "Is she truly happy being given to this other male?"
"Well..." Tragar frowned. "No. No, but he is a fine, upstanding male and he deserves her."
"More than you? More than the male who rescued her from certain death?" Xen"dex demanded. "If you had not found her, she would be pa.s.sing through the stages of Tenrah alone and unaided-doomed to die because she had no male of her own kind to breed her once her Kit"tara comes forth."
"To breed her..." Tragar"s jaw clenched and his teeth ground together as he imagined Emily being taken by some other male. No matter how worthy this Daro might be, the thought of his hands and mouth on Emily"s body made Tragar want to kill the son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h.
"You don"t like the idea of another male breeding her...guiding her through the mating l.u.s.t, do you?" Xen"dex"s eyes flashed. "Nor should you. The G.o.ddess gave Emily into your hands and that is where she needs to stay all the way through her Tenrah and beyond."
"How can you say that? Why would the G.o.ddess trust me with one of her most precious females when I failed to protect the ones she gave me to love before?" Tragar demanded.
"Tragar..." Xen"dex sighed. "My student, you cannot keep blaming yourself for their deaths. You did all that you could to protect them and afterwards, you avenged them. It was a terrible tragedy but it"s time to let go of the past and look to the future-your future with Emily."
"She is out of my hands now," Tragar said dully. "It wasn"t just my past the High Priestess objected to. She also saw the truth-that I spanked Emily to keep her Kit"tara in line and that I..." He cleared his throat. "I sucked her peaks and drew the nectar from them."
"I told you that might be necessary," Xen"dex remarked.
"Yes, but you told me not to swallow any of it. I..." Tragar sighed. "I swallowed every drop. I couldn"t bear not to. It was so sweet...and I could not dishonor her by expelling it from my mouth."
"Of course you couldn"t," his old Master said sympathetically. "Didn"t I tell you that in the past chosen mates always partook of their Khalla"s nectar?"
"We are not in the distant past-we are in the present and my actions were not approved of by the High Priestess, Mother Chundra. In fact, she called me a blasphemer and had me driven from the Temple."
"Then you must go back," Xen"dex directed. "Has the Bonding Ceremony taken place yet?"
"No." Tragar shook his head. "I believe it"s scheduled for tomorrow."
"Good. There is still a way you may win your Khalla"s hand-a very old law that even the High Priestess and Mouth of the G.o.ddess cannot circ.u.mvent. Listen carefully, Tragar..."
"...visit the Deep Blue sometimes. My people would love to meet you," Lit"aal was saying as she walked side by side with Daro in the flowering, ornamental garden. It was, as she had promised, filled with exotic herbs and flowers. Their mingled fragrances were heavy and rich-a melody of alien scents in the deepening twilight.
"I am certain that would be fascinating," Daro murmured, his eyes shining as he looked down at the little priestess. "I have always wanted to go into the Deep Blue."
Emily allowed herself to drop further and further along behind the pair until she was almost in another part of the garden. She didn"t worry about them noticing her quiet defection-it was clear to her that Lit"aal and Daro were completely infatuated. They had eyes only for each other which meant she had a chance to find exactly what she needed.
"You can tell the flower by the fact that it"s all black-root and stem, petal and piston-as black as night without another color in sight," whispered Grandy See-er"s voice in her head. It sounded so real that Emily could almost believe the old woman was standing right over her shoulder, telling her what to do. For a moment she seemed to see her-hunched over a fire in the dark hovel she"d called her home, feeding pieces of long brownish-blonde hair-Emily"s hair-into a strange, green fire. "Take it, child, so you must," she was whispering. "Drink deeply of the Black Milk and all your trials will be over forever."
Emily shook her head and the vision faded. Could it be that Grandy See-er was really whispering to her, from so many light years away? But no-surely not. She pushed the ridiculous thought to the back of her mind. The Black Milk was all her own idea. It was the only thing that could halt her Tenrah in its tracks-permanently.
"What if it doesn"t just stop the Tenrah...what if it stops us?" whispered the voice of the other in her head. "What if it kills us?"
"That"s a chance I"m willing to take," Emily muttered fiercely. If she could find that d.a.m.n plant that was...
"Well, Khalla-to-be, it has been a lovely walk. Should we be getting back to the Temple?"
Emily"s head jerked up and she realized that Lit"aal and Daro had turned and were looking at her. Just then, she saw what she needed-a thick stalk of pure black with a silky black bloom growing from it was just by the little priestess"s foot.
"Well, sure-I guess," she said casually, going to meet them. "Don"t come back-I"ll come to you. I haven"t seen that part of the garden yet."
"Of course, my Khalla. We will wait for you." Daro nodded his head respectfully.
"No, go ahead." Emily made a shooing gesture. "You two go on to the gate-I"m right behind you."
"As my Khalla wishes," Lit"aal said. Turning back to Daro, she said something else and the two of them moved slowly towards the elaborately wrought metal gate at the far end of the garden.
Emily took the opportunity to get to the stalk of the Bitter Sorrow plant and then she leaned over for a moment, as though smelling a flower next to it. As casually as she could, she broke off the thick stem and hid it in the flowing white robe of her sleeve.
A pungent smell that reminded her of some kind of industrial cleaner immediately a.s.saulted her nose. Emily nearly choked. Ugh-what a horrible stink! She just hoped the fabric of her robe would mute it somewhat. Looking down, she saw that an inky black stain was growing on the white fabric. Hastily, she hid it with her other hand.
"The Black Milk," whispered the voice of Grandy See-er in her head. "The Black Milk, it is the only way."
"Yes," whispered Emily, hurrying to catch up with the other two. "Yes, the only way."
Chapter Twenty-seven.
"Hurry, my Khalla-you don"t want to be late for your own bonding ceremony."
"No, I certainly don"t. Just a minute, I"m almost ready." Emily looked in the viewer, taking stock of herself one final time. Her hair was put up in a curly updo that Lit"aal had worked all morning on and she was wearing the traditional bonding robes of a Khalla which looked kind of like a deep red kimono with golden patterns embroidered all over it. There was a gauzy white slip that went under it which Lit"aal told her was meant to be torn open by her bonded mate before they began the breeding cycle, whatever the h.e.l.l that was. Emily didn"t know and didn"t care and she wasn"t going to stick around long enough to find out.
She had other plans.
Carefully, she checked that the stalk of Bitter Sorrow was still concealed in her long red sleeve. She"d almost taken it last night, as soon as she got back from the garden. In fact, she had stood right here, in front of the mirror and lifted the thick, pungent stalk to her mouth, ready to drink the inky liquid that dripped from it like oil.
"Drink it," the voice in her head which sounded remarkably like Grandy See-er had muttered. "Drink it now-you must! You MUST!"
But for some reason, Emily had hesitated. She wasn"t stupid. She was pretty sure the plant in her hand wasn"t just going to stop her Tenrah and make everything go back to normal. In fact, she thought it very likely that the inky black goo dripping from the ragged plant stem spelled certain death. Nothing that smelled that much like an industrial cleaner could be safe to ingest-it would probably be like drinking Drain-o.
She didn"t want the other to take over, but she didn"t want to die, either. Maybe some small remnant of her own personality would remain after the fourth stage of her Shift was over-Emily didn"t know. But she thought she might be willing to find out if she had the right person to find out with.
And that person was Tragar.
Though she was still hurt and angry at him for giving up on them, she understood why he"d done it. The loss of his wife and child ten years ago had devastated him and he still blamed himself, just as Emily had blamed herself for the rape.
But I can help him get over it the way he helped me get over what Grayson did-I know I can! If only we could be together.
But how? And what if he was already gone? What if he had flown away in his ship? Or worse, what if he had decided to fulfill her contract by taking his life after all?
Emily had pushed the thoughts away. He wouldn"t do that. He promised! He"s probably out there waiting, wanting to make sure I"m okay.
Anyway, that was what she had to believe to pull off the plan that had formed in her mind. The plan she was about to put into effect right now.
Lifting her chin, Emily gave herself one last look in the mirror.
"Are you ready, my Khalla?" Lit"aal called through the closed fresher door.
"Oh, yes," Emily called back. "You better believe it-I"m ready." She opened the door. "Let"s go."
The Sacred Grove was just as she remembered it except the green and purple trees had been decorated with small, white lights that winked and twinkled beautifully. At first Emily thought they were some kind of Christmas lights until she got a better look and realized they weren"t strung together on any kind of a wire. In fact, they appeared to be some kind of lightning bug type creatures. Except instead of the lights being in their abdomen, they were on two long stalks sticking out of their heads. Were they the creatures" eyes?
Before she could find out, a kind of procession started and she was walking down the aisle between the trees with Lit"aal right behind her.
Waiting at the end of the aisle, standing in front of the huge statue of the G.o.ddess of the Kindred, was Mother Chundra. The High Priestess wore a stern, no-nonsense look on her face. She was flanked on either side by the two male priests who had greeted them when Emily and Tragar first came to the Temple. They looked solemn and wise but Emily was sure they were just window dressing-the High Priestess was the only one with real power here and she knew it.
Turra was standing by the priest on Mother Chundra"s right with a sour expression on her face. When Emily caught her eyes by accident, she looked away with a grimace. Apparently she was still p.i.s.sed off that Emily had ejected her from her room yesterday-not that Emily gave a d.a.m.n.
On Mother Chundra"s left, Daro was waiting patiently, wearing a white robe that looked a little like a toga. Emily thought her would-be chosen mate looked sad, though he was trying not to show it. She saw his golden eyes flick over to Lit"aal with longing. The expression confirmed what Emily already knew-she wasn"t the one he really wanted. Well, good-he wasn"t the one for her either and knowing that made what she was going to do much easier.
They reached the end of the aisle and she stood facing Daro while Mother Chundra cleared her throat. She waited until the a.s.sembled priestesses quieted down and began to speak.
"We are gathered here today in the sight of the G.o.ddess to join this Khalla-to-be with her chosen mate, who-"
"Excuse me," Emily interrupted loudly.
Mother Chundra glared daggers at her and kept going.
"As I was saying, we will join this Khalla-to-be with the mate whom she has chosen-"
"Don"t you mean the mate you chose for me?" Emily demanded, raising her voice.
The High Priestess couldn"t ignore her any more.
"Be silent!" she barked. "The Khalla-to-be is not permitted to speak during the bonding ceremony."
"Or have anything to say about who she gets bonded to either, right?" Emily shot back.
"How dare you profane these holy proceedings?" Mother Chundra"s green-on-green eyes flashed.
"How dare you tell me who I can and can"t marry-er, bond with," Emily asked angrily. "You don"t even know me."
"All I need to know is that you are a Khalla-to-be which puts you squarely under my authority," Mother Chundra snapped. "Now be quiet and let us proceed."
"So I can be bonded for life to a man I don"t love?" Emily took a step back from the bonding ceremony party and slipped her hand in her sleeve.
"You are the most obstinate and willful female I have ever had the misfortune to meet!" The High Priestess glared at her. "Guards! I need a gag for this Khalla-to-be so the ceremony can proceed in peace."
"I don"t think so..." Emily whipped the long, still oozing stalk of Bitter Sorrow plant out of her sleeve and held it up. "Do you know what this is?"
Beside her, Lit"aal gave a gasp.
"Bitter Sorrow! Oh my Khalla, be careful! That is the most dangerous of poisons!"
"I figured it was," Emily said grimly. "Stay back or I"ll use it."
"You would not dare!" Mother Chundra"s face was filled with disbelief but dancing far back in her green-on-green eyes, Emily thought she also saw fear.
"Oh, yes I would," she said grimly. "I"d much rather be dead than bonded to someone I don"t love for life."
"Guards-" The High Priestess called but Emily brought the oozing stalk right up to her mouth.
"Stay back! I can drink the Black Milk before they can get to me. And how will it look to the rest of Rageron when they find out you let a Khalla-to-be kill herself right in the middle of the Sacred Grove?"
"You insolent girl!" Mother Chundra stormed. "You-"
"Okay, now listen up-this is how it"s going to go," Emily said, raising her voice so everyone in the room could hear her. "First of all, I"m not getting bonded today. At least, not to Daro." She spared the tall Beast Kindred a quick glance and saw the shocked look on his face. "No offense to you-you seem like a really nice guy. But you should bond with Lit"aal, not me."
"Oh, but my Khalla," Lit"aal protested. "Daro is your chosen mate-not mine."