"You...you got past mine too," Emily whispered. "Don"t you think that means something?"
"It means I love you," Tragar told her, his voice hoa.r.s.e with emotion. "Enough to die for you."
"But not enough to live with me." Emily"s eyes were suddenly bright with tears and she stepped away from his touch. "Not enough for that."
He shrugged helplessly. "Forgive me-I am giving you the only gift I can. The only gift I have that is worthy of you, my Khalla. My death for your life."
"I don"t want your gift," she whispered. "I just want you."
Then, tears pouring down her cheeks, she turned and ran from the control room.
Emily buried her face in the pillows and sobbed miserably. Earlier when she"d cried in Tragar"s arms it had been a release...a relief. An easing of the awful tension that had been building up in her so long. She had felt safe and protected, nestled close to his broad chest. She had felt cherished and loved and for the first time, she"d felt right.
It was as though she"d been searching for something all her life without even knowing it and when the big Kindred came into her world, she had found it-found him. Everything finally made sense-even the idea of the other taking over her body wasn"t as scary when she"d believed that he would be by her side to help her through it.
Now she knew that wasn"t going to happen. Tragar would be leaving her-leaving in the most final way possible. She wondered dully how he planned to do it. Would he hang himself from the nearest convenient tree? Or maybe just shoot himself with his blaster?
Ugh! She shivered and tried to push away the morbid thoughts but they wouldn"t go. All she could see was Tragar, dead by his own hand. All she could think about was never having his arms around her again, never getting the chance to explore this new emotion that was blossoming between them...
Fresh sobs shook her and she pulled the pillow over her head, trying to m.u.f.fle the sounds of her misery.
Suddenly a warm hand came to rest between her shoulder blades and the pillow that was covering her face was pulled away. Emily grabbed it, trying to hang on. She didn"t want the big Kindred to see her like this, didn"t want to display her ugly emotions so openly. But Tragar was relentless, he pulled the pillow gently but firmly away from her face, exposing her tears.
"Go away." Emily buried her head in her arms. "I don"t want to talk to you."
"But I need to talk to you," he growled softly. "I need to explain."
"Explain what? That you love me so much you"re going to kill yourself and leave me alone? I heard that already, I don"t want to hear it again." Emily still refused to look at him.
"No, I need to explain to you why I am not worthy of being your chosen mate. Why I deserve death."
"You know, I thought I deserved death. At least, I wanted to die." Emily finally looked up at him. "After what Grayson did to me. After he raped me. I felt so ugly, so dirty-like I"d never be clean again. I thought about killing myself but I didn"t." She sat up and glared at the big Kindred. "Because if I did that, he would have won. And I wasn"t going to give him that satisfaction. My only other option was to kill him, but I couldn"t do that either. So I learned to live with it."
"I sympathize with your wish to kill that b.a.s.t.a.r.d. I killed the ones who hurt me." Tragar"s deep voice was distant...remote. "But it did not ease my pain."
"What? Who were they and what did they do? What happened?" Emily had a sudden flash of insight. "Does this have to do with your wife and son?"
"Landra and Jalex, yes." He sighed and squeezed the bridge of his nose briefly, as though trying to drive back a headache.
"Did you get a divorce? Did she leave you and take him and you haven"t seen them since?" Emily asked, trying to read his face. But it was like trying to read a statue"s face-his expression was stoic and calm, as though he was a million miles away.
"They were killed," he said in a low voice.
"Oh, Tragar!" Emily put a hand to her mouth. "I"m sorry-I didn"t know."
"How could you? I never spoke much of them to you-I try never to even think of them. It is...too painful." He looked at her, as though seeing her at last. "But now I feel I must speak of them. I must show you what happened and how I failed them. Then you"ll see why I do not deserve the love of a Khalla."
"What do you mean show" me? Do you have a picture of them?"
"I do." He pulled something out of his vest pocket-a small, flat disk a little bigger than a quarter-and thumbed it on. Immediately the disk began to emit a low humming noise and a 3-D image of a young woman and a boy who looked to be about five or six appeared. Both of them had black hair like Tragar"s and the boy had his golden eyes as well. But the woman had deep indigo eyes thickly fringed with black lashes.
"Oh," Emily breathed. "She"s beautiful. Those eyes..."
"Landra was one of the Ancient Ones who live in the Deep Blue on Rageron," Tragar said. "But the grandfather tree her people lived in wasn"t far from my village. Our minds aligned when we were still children-it"s unusual but it does happen so sometimes."
"So you were childhood sweethearts?" Emily looked at the woman"s vivid blue eyes and laughing mouth. She looked like a happy person and the little boy who was leaning against her hip was looking up at her adoringly. Clearly she was a good mom.
"I suppose you could say that," Tragar murmured. "We mated very young-as early as our parents would allow it. Very soon after that, Jalex came along." He motioned to the faintly glowing image of the little boy. "He was the light of our lives-so brave and smart for his age! He-" His voice faltered and for a moment, Emily thought he wouldn"t be able to go on.
"Tragar," she said softly. "You don"t have to do this. If it"s too painful-"
"It is necessary," he interrupted. "So that you can understand."
"All right," Emily said in a low voice. She sat up straighter and Tragar settled beside her on the bed, still carefully holding the 3-D hologram of his wife and son. The fire bubbles in the fireplace had turned from blue to gold and the shifting flames alternately cast his strong features into light and shadow.
His face never changed but his voice was different now, deeper and hoa.r.s.e as though he could barely get the words out.
"We were at war with the Scourge when it happened. Now they have almost all been wiped out but ten cycles ago the threat was very real. They were attacking the capital city about a hundred clicks from where we lived, Landra and Jalex and I. I was in command of a squadron of pilots-it was my duty to go and defend our planet from the vat-grown b.a.s.t.a.r.ds."
"So you did what you had to do," Emily said softly.
He nodded. "I did what I thought was right at the time. Landra didn"t want me to go." He closed his eyes tightly for a moment but kept talking. "You can"t tell it in this image but we had recently learned she was pregnant with our second child-a girl this time. She would have been a Khalla."
Emily bit her lip, wanting to say something but not sure what. After a moment, Tragar went on.
"Landra had a bad dream-a warning. She was afraid that I wouldn"t come back to her and our children. That I would be killed in battle." He gave a hoa.r.s.e, bitter laugh. "Little did we know that the attack on the capital was nothing but a ruse-a ploy to draw our troops away from the area the Scourge really wanted to plunder-the Deep Blue."
"Um, what is the Deep Blue?" Emily dared to ask. "You mentioned it once before but I didn"t catch what it was."
Tragar pinched the bridge of his nose again.
"Of course-forgive me. I forgot that you"ve never been to our home planet before. The Deep Blue is the Jungle that covers much of Rageron. It is wild and dense and filled with savage creatures. It is also where the Ancient Ones, the original inhabitants, of Rageron live. We Kindred came and mated with them as part of our genetic trade."
"Okay, I see." Emily nodded. "And what did the Scourge want there?"
Tragar shrugged his broad shoulders.
"We never found out. There were rumors that they were after the pain vine-the skrillix which grows at the base of the grandfather trees which are huge, big enough to support entire towns in their branches. The skrillix has many strange properties and can be used to cause death and suffering."
"Sounds like something the Scourge would want." Emily shivered. Though it had been several years since the Kindred finally neutralized the threat of the alien invaders, the very sound of their name still made her feel cold all over.
"Whatever they wanted, they came for it while we were distracted defending the capital," Tragar said in a low, grim voice.
"Oh, no..." Emily put her hand to her mouth. "And the village you lived in-"
"Was left untouched." His free hand clenched into a fist on his knee. "Unfortunately, I had sent Landra and Jalex back to stay with her kin in the Deep Blue. The grandfather tree that all of her people lived in was attacked."
"Oh, Tragar..." Emily didn"t know what to say.
"I felt it when they came for her-for my beloved Landra and our son and unborn daughter." The big Kindred"s face was stoic but his voice was raw-filled with so much pain it made Emily ache just to hear it. "We should have been out of range but my bond with Landra was strong-we"d been connected since we were children, after all.
"I felt her fear...her pain..." He closed his eyes and Emily could tell he was forcing the words out. "I turned my ship at once, even though it meant leaving the rest of my squadron. I was court-martialed for it later but I didn"t give a d.a.m.n. But even though I left as soon as I felt my Landra"s need for me, I still arrived too late."
Emily still had no words. She put one hand tentatively on his knee.
"The grandfather tree they were in was attacked and burned. The Scourge used DarkFire-a chemical weapon that scorches and kills anything it touches on contact. No living thing can survive it. Almost everyone in their tree was killed. I heard..." He paused for a long moment and Emily was certain he wouldn"t be able to go on. But finally he did, in a hoa.r.s.e, dry voice. "I heard Landra screaming inside my head-begging me to come and save them through our bond. Ah, G.o.ds..." He pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead, his eyes closed tightly again.
Emily was silent, her hand on his knee. After a moment he went on again.
"I was too late. I flew as fast as I could-I pushed my ship to the breaking point-but it wasn"t enough. I didn"t reach them in time." He took a deep breath. "I found their bodies in the dwelling of Landra"s parents. They were burned...burned almost beyond recognition. But Landra"s arms were clasped around Jalex, holding him close, as though she had tried to shield him from the fire...Their bodies were still...still smoking when I got to them."
"Oh, Tragar!" Emily couldn"t stand it anymore. She threw her arms around his neck and pressed her cheek to his. The pain radiating from him was enormous, intense. And though he wasn"t crying, she found that she was and this time her tears were for him-for his agony and suffering. For his unimaginable loss. "I"m so sorry," she whispered brokenly. "So, so sorry!"
"Now you know." Tragar thumbed the b.u.t.ton on the small silver disk and the hologram of his wife and son disappeared. "Know how I failed them-failed to protect those I loved most in the world."
"But it wasn"t your fault!" Emily protested.
"It was," he said heavily. "I should have listened to Landra when she begged me not to go. I should have been by her side, protecting and shielding her. I should have died with her and my son." He sighed and tucked the silver holo-disk back in his vest pocket. "It was ten cycles ago now. The pain has faded some. But I still try not to dwell on it. Remembering is...hard."
"Of course it is-that"s horrible! I can"t even imagine..." Emily drew back and blotted the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. "So that"s why you want to...to do away with yourself?"
"Not any more." He looked thoughtful. "At first it was all I could think about. I wanted to die so badly I made it my mission to hunt down and kill every Scourge who"d had anything to do with Landra and Jalex"s death. When they failed to kill me, I joined the Verrak. I was searching for an honorable death-for a target that could take me down." The corner of his mouth twitched. "I never dreamed exactly how they would take me down. But now..." He stroked her cheek. "I cannot imagine a more honorable death than giving my life for you, my Khalla."
"I don"t want you to do that," Emily said fiercely. "There must be an alternative-there has to be!"
He frowned. "Not without breaking the contract."
"And is that d.a.m.n contract worth more than your life? I don"t think so!" She took him by the hands. "I want you, Tragar-I want you as my chosen mate!"
"Even if I was worthy of you-"
"Stop talking like that," she snapped. "Of course you"re worthy! I don"t care that your people think a Khalla is some kind of G.o.ddess or something-look at me, I"m no G.o.ddess! I"m just plain old Emily the kindergarten teacher from Tampa, Florida. I"m the girl who couldn"t get a date to the prom...the girl who stays home Friday nights and watches Netflix and eats Ben and Jerry"s. Until you came along, I was planning to be alone the rest of my life. Because I couldn"t find any man who felt right for me-any man I could trust not to hurt me! And now you"re here and you want to kill yourself just when we"ve found each other?"
"Emily..." He cupped her cheek. "Try to understand."
"No, you try to understand. I heard what that insect thing said-if you don"t kill either me or yourself, he"ll send someone else after me, right?"
"Exactly, which is why I must-"
"Which is why you must stay and defend me," Emily said firmly. "Let him send somebody-you"ll be prepared. You can fight them off."
He frowned. "That will be putting your life in danger unnecessarily."
"No, that will be saving your life and keeping me from going crazy. Tragar, please..." She took his hand and put it on her chest, over her heart. "Please, I can"t go through this...this transformation alone! I need you. I want you. I love you."
"Emily..." He pulled her close and kissed her deeply. Emily threw her arms around his neck and kissed him back, trying to show him exactly how she felt, exactly how much she wanted and needed him.
"Please don"t go," she whispered in his ear when the kiss finally broke. "Please don"t leave me."
He sighed. "You sound so like Landra when you say that."
"Listen to me then," Emily said. "I know you regret not listening before. Listen now-stay with me."
He sighed deeply. "I fear I will fail you as I failed before."
"The only way you can fail is to not try." Emily gave a little laugh. "You know, that"s something that I say to my students. It"s true, though-whether you"re in kindergarten or a big, tough a.s.sa.s.sin-you have to try."
He looked troubled but then, slowly, he nodded.
"All right," he murmured. "I will try for you, my Khalla. But I warn you, I doubt very seriously if the Holy Council will consider me a fit chosen mate for you."
"I don"t care what they think," Emily said fiercely. "You"re the only one I want-the only one!" She frowned. "And why do we even have to go to the Holy Mountains, anyway? You seem to be doing fine helping me through the stages of the Tenrah. Why can"t we just go someplace else entirely? Or just stay on the ship together and keep moving so the Verrak can never find us?"
Tragar shook his head gravely. "I"m afraid that would be even more dangerous than what we already plan. The last stage of the Tenrah is very... difficult. You must be surrounded by experts who know how to help you at the time you pa.s.s from Vlammen to Hel. Also there is a special suite there that facilitates that last stage. No argument," he said, stopping Emily when she was about to protest. "It"s bad enough that I"m risking your life by breaking the contract. I will not even consider not taking you where you can be safe and cared for during such a critical juncture."
"All right," Emily said, sighing. "It would have been nice to run away together, though." She looked into his eyes. "And do you promise that you"ll still...still want me after the other takes over? Even when I"m not really me anymore?"
Tragar stroked a strand of hair away from her eyes.
"Your Kit"tara is only another part of you, Emily-I wish you could believe that. But yes, I will be by your side for as long as I am able."
"Thank you." Emily sighed and nestled close to him. Pressing her face into his throat and breathing his warm, spicy scent made her feel safe and cared for and protected.
It"s all right, she told herself. He"s not going to kill himself-everything is going to be all right.
But deep down she still had a nagging little worry. What would happen when they reached Rageron? And how would she feel when the other finally took complete control of her body?
Chapter Twenty-three.
"Somebody said there"s a call for me?" Thrace entered the communications suite and looked around for Commander Sylvan, who had called him in the first place.
"Yes, there is." The Blood Kindred paced forward. "We can give you privacy if you"d like. The main viewscreen is just in the other room. It"s got a boosted signal so we can send and receive calls from many light years away. This call is coming in from quite a distance."
"Is it that tracker you sent out after the girl?" Thrace asked, frowning. "Does his mate want more information from me? Because I don"t know what else I can tell her."
"No, it"s not Rone and Kate." Sylvan frowned. "Although I did just hear from them a moment before the call for you came in."
"Oh?" Thrace leaned forward eagerly. "Have they reached Rageron yet? Have they found the girl-have they found Emily?" He still took a very personal interest in Emily Brooks. As soon as she was found, hopefully alive and well, he fully intended to go on a search for his first mate, Solar. Until he knew Emily was all right, however, he didn"t feel able to leave the Mother Ship.