8 a.m. Ugh. Wish was dead. Am never, ever going to drink again for the rest of life.
8.30 a.m. Oooh. Could really fancy some chips. Oooh. Could really fancy some chips.
11.30 a.m. Badly need water but seems better to keep eyes closed and head stationary on pillow so as not to disturb bits of machinery and pheasants in head. Badly need water but seems better to keep eyes closed and head stationary on pillow so as not to disturb bits of machinery and pheasants in head.
Noon. b.l.o.o.d.y good fun but v. confused re: advice re: Daniel. Had to go through Jude"s problems with Vile Richard first as clearly they are more serious since they have been going out for eighteen months rather than just s.h.a.gged once. I waited humbly, therefore, till it was my turn to recount the latest Daniel instalment. The unanimous initial verdict was, "b.a.s.t.a.r.d f.u.c.kwittage." b.l.o.o.d.y good fun but v. confused re: advice re: Daniel. Had to go through Jude"s problems with Vile Richard first as clearly they are more serious since they have been going out for eighteen months rather than just s.h.a.gged once. I waited humbly, therefore, till it was my turn to recount the latest Daniel instalment. The unanimous initial verdict was, "b.a.s.t.a.r.d f.u.c.kwittage."
Interestingly, however, Jude introduced the concept of Boy Time - as introduced in the film Clueless: Clueless: namely five days ("seven", I interjected) during which new relationship is left hanging in air after s.e.x does not seem agonizing lifetime to males of species, but a normal cooling-down period in which to gather emotions, before proceeding. Daniel, argued Jude, was bound to be anxious about work situation, etc., etc., so give him a chance, be friendly and flirty: so as to rea.s.sure him that you trust him and are not going to become needy or fly off the handle. namely five days ("seven", I interjected) during which new relationship is left hanging in air after s.e.x does not seem agonizing lifetime to males of species, but a normal cooling-down period in which to gather emotions, before proceeding. Daniel, argued Jude, was bound to be anxious about work situation, etc., etc., so give him a chance, be friendly and flirty: so as to rea.s.sure him that you trust him and are not going to become needy or fly off the handle.
At this Sharon practically spat into the shaved Parmesan and said it was inhuman to leave a woman hanging in air for two weekends after s.e.x and an appalling breach of confidence and I should tell him what I think of him. Hmmm. Anyway. Going to have another little sleep.
2 p.m. Just triumphantly returned from heroic expedition to go downstairs for newspaper and gla.s.s of water. Could feel water flowing like crystal stream into section of head where most required. Though am not sure, come to think of it, if water can actually get in your head. Possibly it enters through the bloodstream. Maybe since hangovers are caused by dehydration water is drawn into the brain by a form of capillary action. Just triumphantly returned from heroic expedition to go downstairs for newspaper and gla.s.s of water. Could feel water flowing like crystal stream into section of head where most required. Though am not sure, come to think of it, if water can actually get in your head. Possibly it enters through the bloodstream. Maybe since hangovers are caused by dehydration water is drawn into the brain by a form of capillary action.
2.15 p.m. Story in papers about two-year-olds having to take tests to get into nursery school just made me jump out of skin. Am supposed to be at tea party for G.o.dson Harry"s birthday. Story in papers about two-year-olds having to take tests to get into nursery school just made me jump out of skin. Am supposed to be at tea party for G.o.dson Harry"s birthday.
6 p.m. Drove at breakneck speed feeling like I was dying, across grey, rain-sodden London to Magda"s, stopping at Waterstone"s for birthday gifts. Heart was sinking at thought of being late and hungover, surrounded by ex-career-girl mothers and their Compet.i.tive Child Rearing. Magda, once a commodity broker, lies about Harry"s age, now, to make him Drove at breakneck speed feeling like I was dying, across grey, rain-sodden London to Magda"s, stopping at Waterstone"s for birthday gifts. Heart was sinking at thought of being late and hungover, surrounded by ex-career-girl mothers and their Compet.i.tive Child Rearing. Magda, once a commodity broker, lies about Harry"s age, now, to make him s seem more advanced than he is. Even the conception was cut-throat, with Magda trying to take eight times as much folic acid and minerals as anyone else. The birth was great. She"d been telling everyone for months it was going to be a natural childbirth and, ten minutes in, she cracked and started yelling, "Give me the drugs, you fat cow."
Tea party was nightmare scenario: me plus a roomful of power mothers, one of whom had a four-week-old baby.
"Oh, isn"t he sweet sweet?" cooed Sarah de Lisle, then snapped, "How did he do in his AGPAR?
I don"t know what the big deal is about tests for two - this AGPAR is a test they have to do at two minutes. Magda embarra.s.sed herself two years ago by boasting at a dinner party that Harry got ten in his, at which one of the other guests, who happens to be a nurse, pointed out that the AGPAR test only goes up to nine.
Undaunted, however, Magda has started boasting around the nanny circuit that her son is a defecational prodigy, triggering off a round of boast and counter-boast. The toddlers, therefore, dearly at the age when they should be securely swathed in layers of rubberware, were teetering around in little more than Baby Gap G-strings, I hadn"t been there ten minutes before there were three t.u.r.ds on the carpet. A superficially humorous but vicious dispute ensued about who had done the t.u.r.ds, following by a tense stripping off of towelling pants, immediately sparking another contest over the size of the boys" genitals and, correspondingly, the husbands".
"There"s nothing you can do, it"s a hereditary thing. Cosmo doesn"t have a problem in that area, does he?"
Thought head was going to burst with the racket. Eventually made my excuses and drove home, congratulating myself on being single.
Monday 6 March
11 a.m. Office. Completely exhausted. Last night was just lying in nice hot bath with some Geranium essential oil and a vodka and tonic when the doorbell rang. It was my mother, on the doorstep in floods of tears. It took me some time to establish what the matter was as she flopped all over the kitchen, breaking into ever louder outbursts of tears and saying she didn"t want to talk about it, until I began to wonder if her self-perpetuating s.e.xual power surge had collapsed like a house of cards, with Dad, Julio and the tax man losing interest simultaneously. But no. She had merely been infected with "Having It All" syndrome. Office. Completely exhausted. Last night was just lying in nice hot bath with some Geranium essential oil and a vodka and tonic when the doorbell rang. It was my mother, on the doorstep in floods of tears. It took me some time to establish what the matter was as she flopped all over the kitchen, breaking into ever louder outbursts of tears and saying she didn"t want to talk about it, until I began to wonder if her self-perpetuating s.e.xual power surge had collapsed like a house of cards, with Dad, Julio and the tax man losing interest simultaneously. But no. She had merely been infected with "Having It All" syndrome.
"I feel like the gra.s.shopper who sang all summer," she (the second she sensed I was losing interest in the breakdown) revealed. "And now it"s the winter of my life and I haven"t stored up anything of my own."
I was going to point out that three potential eligible partners gagging for it plus half the house and the pension schemes wasn"t exactly nothing, but I bit my tongue.
"1 want a career," she said. And some horrible mean part of me felt happy and smug because I had a career. Well - a job, anyway. I was a gra.s.shopper collecting a big pile of gra.s.s, or flies, or whatever it is gra.s.shoppers eat ready for the winter, even if I didn"t have a boyfriend.
Eventually I managed to cheer Mum up by allowing her to go through my wardrobe and criticize all my clothes, then tell me why I should start getting everything from Jaeger and Country Casuals. It worked a treat and eventually she was so much back on form she was actually able to call up Julio and arrange to meet him for a "nightcap."
By the time she left it was after ten so I called Tom to report the hideous news that Daniel had not rung all weekend and asked him what he thought about Jude and Sharon"s conflicting advice. Tom said I should listen to neither of them, not flirt, not lecture but merely be an aloof, coolly professional ice-queen. Men, he claims, view themselves as permanently on some sort of s.e.xual ladder with all women either above them or below them. If the woman is "below" (i.e. willing to sleep with him, very keen on him) then in a Groucho Marx kind of way he does not want to be a member of her "club." This whole mentality depresses me enormously but Tom said not to be nave and if I really love Daniel and want to win his heart I have to ignore him and be as cold and distant to him as possible. Eventually got to bed at midnight, v. confused, but was woken three times in the night by phone calls from Dad.
"When someone loves you it"s like having a blanket all round your heart," he said, "and then when it"s taken away . . . " and he burst into tears. He was speaking from the granny flat at the bottom of the Alconburys" garden, where he"s staying, as he says hopefully, "Just till things are sorted out."
I suddenly realize everything has shifted and now I am looking after my parents instead of them looking after me, which seems unnatural and wrong. Surely I am not that old?
Monday 6 March
8st 12 (v.v.g. - have realized secret of dieting is not weighing oneself).
Can officially confirm that the way to a man s heart these days is not through beauty, food, s.e.x, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.
Took no notice of Daniel whatsoever all day at work and pretended to be busy (try not to laugh). Message Pending kept flashing but I just kept sighing and tossing my hair about as if I were a very glamorous, important person under a great deal of pressure. By the end of the day I realized, like a school chemistry lab miracle (phosphorus, litmus test or similar), it was working. He kept staring at me and giving me meaningful glances. Eventually, when Perpetua was out, be walked past my desk, stopped for a moment and murmured, "Jones, you gorgeous creature. Why are you ignoring me?"
In a rush of joy and affection I was just about to blurt out the whole story of Tom, Jude and Shazzer"s conflicting theories, but the heavens were smiling on me and the phone rang. I rolled my eyes apologetically, picked it up, then Perpetua bustled up, knocking a pile of proofs off the desk with her bottom, and bellowed, "Ah, Daniel. Now . . . " and swept him away, which was fortunate because the phone call was Tom, who said I had to keep up the ice-queen act and gave me a mantra to repeat when I felt myself weakening. "Aloof, unavailable ice-queen; Aloof, unavailable ice-queen."
7 March
9st 4, 2 or 5?? alcohol units 0, cigarettes 20, calories 1500, Instants 6 (poor).
9 a.m. Aargh. How can I have put on 3lb since the middle of the night? I was 9st 4 when I went to bed, 9st 2 at 4 a.m. and 9st 5 when I got up. I can understand weight coming Aargh. How can I have put on 3lb since the middle of the night? I was 9st 4 when I went to bed, 9st 2 at 4 a.m. and 9st 5 when I got up. I can understand weight coming off off - it could have evaporated or pa.s.sed out of the body into the toilet - but how could it be put on? Could food react chemically with other food, double its density and volume, and solidify into every heavier and denser hard fat? I don"t look fatter. I can fasten the b.u.t.ton, though not, alas, the zipper on my "89 jeans. So maybe my whole body is getting smaller but denser. The whole thing smacks of female body-builders and makes me feel strangely sick. Call up Jude to complain about diet failure, who says write down everything you"ve eaten, honestly, and see if you stuck to the diet. Here is list. - it could have evaporated or pa.s.sed out of the body into the toilet - but how could it be put on? Could food react chemically with other food, double its density and volume, and solidify into every heavier and denser hard fat? I don"t look fatter. I can fasten the b.u.t.ton, though not, alas, the zipper on my "89 jeans. So maybe my whole body is getting smaller but denser. The whole thing smacks of female body-builders and makes me feel strangely sick. Call up Jude to complain about diet failure, who says write down everything you"ve eaten, honestly, and see if you stuck to the diet. Here is list.
Breakfast: Breakfast: hot-cross bun (Scarsdale Diet - slight variation on specified piece of wholemeal toast); Mars Bar (Scarsdale Diet - slight variation on specified half grapefruit) hot-cross bun (Scarsdale Diet - slight variation on specified piece of wholemeal toast); Mars Bar (Scarsdale Diet - slight variation on specified half grapefruit)Snack: two bananas, two pears (switched to F-plan as starving and cannot face Scarsdale carrot snacks). Carton orange juice (Anti-Cellulite Raw-Food Diet) two bananas, two pears (switched to F-plan as starving and cannot face Scarsdale carrot snacks). Carton orange juice (Anti-Cellulite Raw-Food Diet)Lunch: jacket potato (Scarsdale Vegetarian Diet) and hummus (Hay Diet - fine with jacket spuds as all starch, and breakfast and snack were all alkaline-forming with exception of hot-cross bun and Mars: minor aberration) jacket potato (Scarsdale Vegetarian Diet) and hummus (Hay Diet - fine with jacket spuds as all starch, and breakfast and snack were all alkaline-forming with exception of hot-cross bun and Mars: minor aberration)Dinner: four gla.s.ses of wine, fish and chips (Scarsdale Diet and also Hay Diet - protein forming); portion tiramisu; peppermint Aero (p.i.s.sed) four gla.s.ses of wine, fish and chips (Scarsdale Diet and also Hay Diet - protein forming); portion tiramisu; peppermint Aero (p.i.s.sed)
I realize it has become too easy to find a diet to fit in with whatever you happen to feel like eating and that diets are not there to be pick and mixed but picked and stuck to, which is exactly what I shall begin to do once I"ve eaten this chocolate croissant.
Tuesday 14 March
Disaster. Complete disaster. Flushed with the success of Tom"s ice-queen theory I began to rather brim over, as it over, as it were, into Jude"s, and starting messaging Daniel again, to rea.s.sure him that I trust him and am not going to become needy or fly off the handle without just cause. were, into Jude"s, and starting messaging Daniel again, to rea.s.sure him that I trust him and am not going to become needy or fly off the handle without just cause.
By midmorning, so successful was the ice-queen combined with Men are from Mars, Women are from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus Venus approach that Daniel walked right up to me by the coffee machine and said, "Will you come to Prague next weekend?" approach that Daniel walked right up to me by the coffee machine and said, "Will you come to Prague next weekend?"
"What? Er hahahaha, you mean the weekend after this one?"
"Yeeeeees,, next weekend," he said, with an encouraging, slightly patronizing air, as if he had been teaching me to speak English.
"Oooh. Yes, please Yes, please," I said, forgetting the ice-queen mantra in the excitement.
Next thing he came up and asked if I wanted to come round the corner for lunch. We arranged to meet outside the building so no one would suspect anything and it was all rather thrilling and clandestine until he said, as we walked towards the pub, "Listen, Bridge, I"m really sorry, I"ve f.u.c.ked up."
"Why? What?" I said, even, as I spoke, remembering my mum and wondering if I ought to be saying "Pardon?"
"I can"t make Prague next weekend. I don"t know what I was thinking about. But maybe we"ll do it another time." A siren blared in my head and a huge neon sign started flashing with Sharon"s head in the middle going, "f.u.c.kWITTAGE, f.u.c.kWITTAGE".
I stood stock still on the pavement, glowering up at him.
"What"s the matter?" he said, looking amused.
"I"m fed up with you," I said furiously. "I told you quite specifically the first time you tried to undo my skirt that I am not into emotional f.u.c.kwittage. It was very bad to carry on flirting, sleep with me then not even follow it up with a phone call, and try to pretend the whole thing never happened. Did you just ask me to Prague to make sure you could still sleep with me if you wanted to as if we were on some sort of ladder?"
"A ladder, Bridge?, said Daniel, What sort of ladder?"
"Shut up," I bristled crossly. "It"s all chop-change chop-change with you. Either go out with me and treat me nicely, or leave me alone. As I say, I am not interested in f.u.c.kwittage."
"What about you, this week? First you completely ignore me like some Hitler Youth ice-maiden, then you turn into an irresistible s.e.x kitten, looking at me over the computer with not so much "come-to-bed" as just "come" eyes, and now suddenly you"re Jeremy Paxman."
We stared at each other transfixed like two African animals at the start of a fight on a David Attenborough programme. Then suddenly Daniel turned on his heel and walked off to the pub, leaving me to stagger, stunned, back to the office, where I dived to the loo, locked the door and sat down, staring crazily at the door with one eye. Oh G.o.d.
5 p.m. Har har. Am marvellous. Feeling v. pleased with self. Had top-level post-works crisis meeting in Cafe Rouge with Sharon, Jude and Tom, who were all delighted with, the Daniel outcome, each convinced it was because I had followed their advice. Also Jude had heard survey on the radio that by the turn of the millennium a third of all households will be single, therefore proving that at last we are no longer tragic freaks. Shazzer guffawed and said, "One in three? Nine out of ten, more like." Sharon maintains men - present company (i.e. Tom) excepted, obviously - are so catastrophically unevolved that soon they will just be kept by women as pets for s.e.x, therefore presumably these will not count as shared households as the men will be kept outside in kennels. Anyway, feeling v. empowered. Tremendous. Think might read bit of Susan Faludi"s Har har. Am marvellous. Feeling v. pleased with self. Had top-level post-works crisis meeting in Cafe Rouge with Sharon, Jude and Tom, who were all delighted with, the Daniel outcome, each convinced it was because I had followed their advice. Also Jude had heard survey on the radio that by the turn of the millennium a third of all households will be single, therefore proving that at last we are no longer tragic freaks. Shazzer guffawed and said, "One in three? Nine out of ten, more like." Sharon maintains men - present company (i.e. Tom) excepted, obviously - are so catastrophically unevolved that soon they will just be kept by women as pets for s.e.x, therefore presumably these will not count as shared households as the men will be kept outside in kennels. Anyway, feeling v. empowered. Tremendous. Think might read bit of Susan Faludi"s Backlash. Backlash.
5 a.m. Oh G.o.d, am so unhappy about Daniel. I love him. Oh G.o.d, am so unhappy about Daniel. I love him.
Wednesday 15 March
9st, alcohol units 5 (disgrace: urine of Satan), cigarettes 14 (weed of Satan - will give up on birthday), calories 1795.
Humph. Have woken up v. fed up. On top of everything, only two weeks to go until birthday, when will have to face up to the fact that another entire year has gone by, during which everyone else except me has mutated into Smug Married, having children plop, plop, plop, left right and centre and making hundreds of thousands of pounds and inroads into very hub of establishment, while I career rudderless and, boyfriendless through dysfunctional relationships and professional stagnation.
Find self constantly scanning face in mirror for wrinkles and frantically reading h.e.l.lo! h.e.l.lo!, checking out everyone"s ages in desperate search for role models (Jane Seymour is forty-two!), fighting long-impacted fear that one day in your thirties you will suddenly, without warning, grow a big fat crimplene dress, shopping bag, tight perm and face collapsing in manner of movie special-effect, and that will be it. Try to concentrate hard on Joanna Lumley and Susan Sarandon.
Also worried about how to celebrate birthday. Size of flat and bank balance prohibits actual party. Maybe dinner party? But then would have to spend birthday slaving and would hate all guests on arrival. Could all go out for meal but then feel guilty asking everyone to pay, selfishly presuming to force costly and dull evening on others merely to celebrate own birthday - yet cannot afford to pay for everyone. Oh G.o.d. What to do? Wish had not been born but immaculately burst into being in similar, though not identical, manner to Jesus, then would not have had to have birthday. Sympathize with Jesus in sense of embarra.s.sment he must, and perhaps should, feel over two-millennium-old social imposition of own birthday on large areas of globe.
Midnight. Have had v.g. idea about birthday. Am going to ask everyone round for c.o.c.ktails, perhaps Manhattans. Will then have given to guests something in manner of grand society hostess, and if everyone wishes to go to dinner afterwards:why, they may do so. Not sure what Manhattan is, come to think of it. But could buy book of c.o.c.ktails maybe. Probably won"t, to be perfectly honest. Have had v.g. idea about birthday. Am going to ask everyone round for c.o.c.ktails, perhaps Manhattans. Will then have given to guests something in manner of grand society hostess, and if everyone wishes to go to dinner afterwards:why, they may do so. Not sure what Manhattan is, come to think of it. But could buy book of c.o.c.ktails maybe. Probably won"t, to be perfectly honest.