Bridget Jones"s Diary.
by HELEN FIELDING.
Acknowledgements
With particular thanks to Charlie Leadbeater for first suggesting the column at the Independent Independent. Thanks too to Gillon Aitken, Richard Coles, Scarlett Curtis, the Fielding family, Piers, Paula and Sam Fletcher, Emma Freud, Georgia Garrett, Sharon Maguire, Jon Turner and Daniel Woods for inspiration and support, and especially, as ever, to Richard Curtis.
Contents
JANUARY An Exceptionally Bad Start
FEBRUARY Valentine"s Day Ma.s.sacre
MARCH Severe Birthday-Related Thirties Panic
APRIL Inner Poise
MAY Mother-To-Be
JUNE Hah! Boyfriend
JULY Huh
AUGUST Disintegration
SEPTEMBER Up The Fireman"s Pole
OCTOBER Date With Darcy
NOVEMBER A Criminal in the Family
DECEMBER Oh, Christ
JANUARY
An Exceptionally Bad Start
Sunday 1 January
9st3 (but post-Christmas), alcohol (but post-Christmas), alcohol units units 14 (but effectively covers 2 days as 4 hours of party was on New Year"s Day),cigarettes 22, calories 5424. 14 (but effectively covers 2 days as 4 hours of party was on New Year"s Day),cigarettes 22, calories 5424.
Food consumed today:
2 pkts Emmenthal cheese slices 2 pkts Emmenthal cheese slices14 cold new potatoes2 b.l.o.o.d.y Marys (count as food as contain Worcester sauce and tomatoes)1/3 Ciabatta loaf with BrieCoriander leaves 1/2 packet12 Milk Tray (best to get rid of all Christmas confectionery in one go go and make fresh start tomorrow) and make fresh start tomorrow)13 c.o.c.ktail sticks securing cheese and pineapplePortion Una Alconbury"s turkey curry, peas and bananasPortion Una Alconbury"s Raspberry Surprise made with Bourbon biscuits, tinned raspberries, eight gallons of whipped cream, decorated with glace cherries and angelica.
Noon. London: my flat. Ugh. The last thing on earth I feel physically, emotionally or mentally equipped to do is drive to Una and Geoffrey Alconbury"s New Year"s Day Turkey Curry Buffet in Grafton Underwood. Geoffrey and Una Alconbury are my parents" best friends and, as Uncle Geoffrey never tires of reminding me, have known me since I was running round the lawn with no clothes on. My mother rang up at 8.30 in the morning last August Bank Holiday and forced me to promise to go. She approached it via a cunningly circuitous route. Ugh. The last thing on earth I feel physically, emotionally or mentally equipped to do is drive to Una and Geoffrey Alconbury"s New Year"s Day Turkey Curry Buffet in Grafton Underwood. Geoffrey and Una Alconbury are my parents" best friends and, as Uncle Geoffrey never tires of reminding me, have known me since I was running round the lawn with no clothes on. My mother rang up at 8.30 in the morning last August Bank Holiday and forced me to promise to go. She approached it via a cunningly circuitous route.
"Oh, h.e.l.lo, darling. I was just ringing to see what you wanted for Christmas."
"Christmas?, "Would you like a surprise, darling?"
"No!" I bellowed. "Sorry. I mean . . . "
"I wondered if you"d like a set of wheels for your suitcase."
"But I haven"t got a suitcase.
"Why don"t I get you a little suitcase with wheels attached. with wheels attached. You know, like air hostesses have." You know, like air hostesses have."
"I"ve already got a bag."
"Oh, darling, you can"t go around with that tatty green canvas thing. You look like some sort of Mary Poppins person who"s fallen on hard times. Just a little compact case with a pull-out handle. It"s amazing how much you can get in. Do you want it in navy on red or red on navy?"
"Mum. It"s eight thirty in the morning. It"s summer. It"s very hot. I don"t want an air-hostess bag."
"Julie Enderby"s got one. She says she never uses anything else."
"Who"s Julie Enderby?"
"You know Julie Julie, darling, Mavis Enderby"s daughter. Julie! The one that"s got that super-dooper job at Arthur Andersen . . . "
"Mum . . . "
"Always takes it on her trips . . . "
"I don"t want a little bag with wheels on."
"I"ll tell you what. Why don"t Jamie, Daddy and I all club together and get you a proper new big suitcase and and a set of wheels?" a set of wheels?"
Exhausted, I held the phone away from my ear, puzzling about where the missionary luggage-Christmas-gift zeal had stemmed from. When I put the phone back she was saying: " . . . in actual fact, you can get them with a compartment with bottles for your bubble bath and things. The other thing I thought of was a shopping trolley."
"Is there anything you"d you"d like for Christmas?" I said desperately, blinking in the dazzling Bank Holiday sunlight. like for Christmas?" I said desperately, blinking in the dazzling Bank Holiday sunlight.
"No, no," she said airily. "I"ve got everything I I need. Now, darling," she suddenly hissed, "you will be coming to Geoffrey and Una"s New Year"s Day Turkey Curry Buffet this year, won"t you?" need. Now, darling," she suddenly hissed, "you will be coming to Geoffrey and Una"s New Year"s Day Turkey Curry Buffet this year, won"t you?"
"Ah. Actually, I . . . I panicked wildly. What could I pretend to be doing? " . . . think I might have to work on New Year"s Day."
"That doesn"t matter. You can drive up after work. Oh, did I mention? Malcolm and Elaine Darcy are coming and bringing Mark with them. Do you remember Mark, darling? He"s one of those top-notch barristers. Ma.s.ses of money. Divorced. It doesn"t start till eight." He"s one of those top-notch barristers. Ma.s.ses of money. Divorced. It doesn"t start till eight."
Oh G.o.d. Not another strangely dressed opera freak with bushy hair burgeoning from a side-parting. "Mum, I"ve told you. I don"t need to be fixed up with . . . "
"Now come along, darling. Una and Geoffrey have been holding the New Year Buffet since you were running round the lawn with no clothes on! Of course you"re going to come. And you"ll be able to use your new suitcase."
11.45 p.m. Ugh. First day of New Year has been day of horror. Cannot quite believe I am once again starting the year in a single bed in my parents" house. It is too humiliating at my age. I wonder if they"ll smell it if I have a f.a.g out of the window. Having skulked at home all day, hoping hangover would clear, I eventually gave up and set off for the Turkey Curry Buffet far too late. When I got to the Alconburys" and rang their entire-tune-of-town-hallclock-style doorbell I was still in a strange world of my own - nauseous, vile-headed, acidic. I was also suffering from road-rage residue after inadvertently getting on to the M6 instead of the M1 and having to drive halfway to Birmingham before I could find anywhere to turn round. I was so furious I kept jamming my foot down to the floor on the accelerator pedal to give vent to my feelings, which is very dangerous. I watched resignedly as Una Alconbury"s form - intriguingly deformed through the ripply gla.s.s door bore down on me in a fuchsia two-piece. Ugh. First day of New Year has been day of horror. Cannot quite believe I am once again starting the year in a single bed in my parents" house. It is too humiliating at my age. I wonder if they"ll smell it if I have a f.a.g out of the window. Having skulked at home all day, hoping hangover would clear, I eventually gave up and set off for the Turkey Curry Buffet far too late. When I got to the Alconburys" and rang their entire-tune-of-town-hallclock-style doorbell I was still in a strange world of my own - nauseous, vile-headed, acidic. I was also suffering from road-rage residue after inadvertently getting on to the M6 instead of the M1 and having to drive halfway to Birmingham before I could find anywhere to turn round. I was so furious I kept jamming my foot down to the floor on the accelerator pedal to give vent to my feelings, which is very dangerous. I watched resignedly as Una Alconbury"s form - intriguingly deformed through the ripply gla.s.s door bore down on me in a fuchsia two-piece.
"Bridget! We"d almost given you up for lost! Happy New Year! Just about to start without you."
She seemed to manage to kiss me, get my coat off, hang it over the banister, wipe her lipstick off my cheek and make me feel incredibly guilty all in one movement, while I leaned against the ornament shelf for support.
"Sorry. I got lost."
"Lost? Durr! What are we going to do with you? Come on in!"
She led me through the frosted-gla.s.s doors into the lounge, shouting, "She got lost, everyone!"
"Bridget! Happy New Year! said Geoffrey Alconbury, clad in a yellow diamond-patterned sweater. He did a jokey Bruce Forsyth step then gave me the sort of hug which Boots would send straight to the police station.
"Hahumph," he said, going red in the face and pulling his trousers up by the waistband. "Which junction did you come off at?"
"Junction nineteen, but there was a diversion "Junction nineteen! Una, she came off at Junction nineteen! You"ve added an hour to your journey before you even started. Come on, let"s get you a drink. How"s your love-life, anyway?"
Oh G.o.d G.o.d. Why can"t married people understand that this is no longer a polite question to ask? We wouldn"t rush up to them them and roar, "How"s your marriage going? Still having s.e.x?" Everyone knows that dating in your thirties is not the happy-go-lucky free-for-all it was when you were twenty-two and that the honest answer is more likely to be, "Actually, last night my married lover appeared wearing suspenders and a darling little Angora crop-top, told me he was gay/a s.e.x addict/a narcotic addict/a commitment phobic and beat me up with a d.i.l.d.o," than, "Super, thanks." and roar, "How"s your marriage going? Still having s.e.x?" Everyone knows that dating in your thirties is not the happy-go-lucky free-for-all it was when you were twenty-two and that the honest answer is more likely to be, "Actually, last night my married lover appeared wearing suspenders and a darling little Angora crop-top, told me he was gay/a s.e.x addict/a narcotic addict/a commitment phobic and beat me up with a d.i.l.d.o," than, "Super, thanks."
Not being a natural liar, I ended up mumbling shamefacedly to Geoffrey, "Fine," at which point he boomed, "So you still still haven"t got a feller!" haven"t got a feller!"
"Bridget! What are are we going to do with you!" said Una. "You career girls! I don"t know! Can"t put it off for ever, you know. Tick-tock-tick-tock." we going to do with you!" said Una. "You career girls! I don"t know! Can"t put it off for ever, you know. Tick-tock-tick-tock."
"Yes. How does a woman manage to get to your age without being married?" roared Brian Enderby (married to Mavis, used to be president of the Rotary in Kettering), waving his sherry in the air. Fortunately my dad rescued me.
"I"m very pleased to see you, Bridget," he said, taking my arm. "Your mother has the entire Northamptonshire constabulary poised to comb the county with toothbrushes for your dismembered remains. Come and demonstrate your presence so I can start enjoying myself. How"s the be-wheeled suitcase?"
"Big beyond all sense. How are the ear-hair clippers?"
"Oh, marvellously - you know - clippy clippy."
It was all right, I suppose. I would have felt a bit mean if I hadn"t turned up, but Mark Darcy. . . Yuk. Every time my mother"s rung up for weeks it"s been, "Of course you remember the Darcys, Darcys, darling. They came over when we were living in Buckingham and you and Mark played in the paddling pool!" or, "Oh! Did I mention Malcolm and Elaine are bringing Mark with them to Una"s New Year"s Day Turkey Curry Buffet? He"s just back from America, apparently. Divorced. He"s looking for a house in Holland Park. Apparently he had the most terrible time with his wife. j.a.panese. Very cruel race." darling. They came over when we were living in Buckingham and you and Mark played in the paddling pool!" or, "Oh! Did I mention Malcolm and Elaine are bringing Mark with them to Una"s New Year"s Day Turkey Curry Buffet? He"s just back from America, apparently. Divorced. He"s looking for a house in Holland Park. Apparently he had the most terrible time with his wife. j.a.panese. Very cruel race."
Then next time, as if out of the blue, "Do you remember Mark Darcy, darling? Malcolm and Elaine"s son? He"s one of these super-dooper top-notch lawyers. Divorced. Elaine says he works all the time and he"s terribly lonely. I think he might be coming to Una"s New Year"s Day Turkey Curry Buffet, actually."
I don"t know why she didn"t just come out with it and say, "Darling, do s.h.a.g Mark Darcy over the turkey curry, won"t you? He"s very very rich." rich."
"Come along and meet Mark," Una Alconbury sing-songed before I"d even had time to get a drink down me.
Being set up with a man against your will is one level of humiliation, but being literally dragged into it by Una Alconbury while caring for an acidic hangover, watched by an entire roomful of friends of your parents, is on another plane altogether.
The rich, divorced-by-cruel-wife Mark - quite tall - was standing with his back to the room, scrutinizing the contents of the Alconburys" bookshelves: mainly leather-bound series of books about the Third Reich, which Geoffrey sends off for from Reader"s Digest. It struck me as pretty ridiculous to be called Mr Darcy and to stand on your own looking snooty at a party. It"s like being called Heathcliff and insisting on spending the entire evening in the garden, shouting "Cathy" and banging your head against a tree.
"Mark," said Una, as if she was one of Santa Claus"s fairies. "I"ve got someone nice for you to meet."
He turned round, revealing that what had seemed from the back like a harmless navy sweater was actually a V-neck diamond-pattern in shades of yellow and blue - as favoured by the more elderly of the nation"s sports reporters. As my friend Tom often remarks, it"s amazing how much time and money can be saved in the world of dating by close attention to detail. A white sock here, a pair of red braces there, a grey slip-on shoe, a swastika, are as often as not all one needs to tell you there"s no point writing down phone numbers and forking out for expensive lunches because it"s never going to be a runner.