"Oh G.o.d, yah," said Arabella, beadily. "He"s left his wife, hasn"t he?"
"What I meant was, there isn"t anything any good like Blind Date Blind Date on the other side during the literary masterpieces, so I don"t think that many people would be channel hopping." on the other side during the literary masterpieces, so I don"t think that many people would be channel hopping."
"Oh, Blind Date Blind Date is "good," is it?" sneered Perpetua. is "good," is it?" sneered Perpetua.
"Yes, it"s very good."
"And you do realize Middlemarch Middlemarch was originally a book, Bridget, don"t you, not a soap?" was originally a book, Bridget, don"t you, not a soap?"
I hate Perpetua when she gets like this. Stupid old farta.r.s.e bag.
"Oh, I thought it was a soap or a shampoo," I said, sulkily grabbing a handful of pa.s.sing sate sticks and shoving them into my mouth. As I looked up I saw a dark-haired man in a suit straight in front of me.
"h.e.l.lo, Bridget," he said. I nearly opened my mouth and let all the sate sticks fall right out. It was Mark Darcy. But without the Arnold Palmer-style diamond-patterned sweater.
"h.e.l.lo," I said through my mouthful, trying not to panic. Then, remembering the article, turned towards Perpetua.
"Mark. Perpetua is . . . I began and then paused, frozen. What to say? Perpetua is very fat and spends her whole time bossing me around? Mark is very rich and has a cruel-raced ex-wife.
"Yes?" said Mark.
" . . . is my boss and is buying a flat in Fulham, and Mark is," I said, turning desperately to Perpetua, "a top human-rights lawyer."
"Oh, h.e.l.lo, Mark. I know of of you, of course," gushed Perpetua as if she were Prunella Scales in you, of course," gushed Perpetua as if she were Prunella Scales in Fawlty Towers Fawlty Towers and he were the Duke of Edinburgh. and he were the Duke of Edinburgh.
"Mark, hi!" said Arabella, opening her eyes very wide and blinking in a way she presumably thought was very attractive. "Haven"t seen you for yonks. How was the Big Apple?"
"We were just talking about hierarchies of culture," boomed Perpetua. "Bridget is one of these people who thinks the moment when the screen goes back on Blind Date Blind Date is on a par with Oth.e.l.lo"s "hurl my soul from heaven" soliloquy," she said, hooting with laughter. is on a par with Oth.e.l.lo"s "hurl my soul from heaven" soliloquy," she said, hooting with laughter.
"Ah. Then Bridget is clearly a top post-modernist," said Mark Darcy. "This is Natasha," he said, gesturing towards a tall, thin, glamorous girl beside him. "Natasha is a top family-law barrister."
I had the feeling he was taking the p.i.s.s out of me. b.l.o.o.d.y cheek.
"I must say," said Natasha, with a knowing smile, "I always feel with the Cla.s.sics people should be made to prove they"ve read the book before they"re allowed to watch the television version."
"Oh, I quite quite agree," said Perpetua, emitting further gales of laughter. "What a marvelous idea!" agree," said Perpetua, emitting further gales of laughter. "What a marvelous idea!"
I could see her mentally fitting Mark Darcy and Natasha in with an array of Poohs and Piggies round the dinner table.
"They should have refused to let anyone listen to the World Cup tune," hooted Arabella, "until they could prove they"d listened to Turandot Turandot all the way through!" all the way through!"
"Though in many respects, of course," said Mark"s Natasha, suddenly earnest, as if concerned the conversation was going quite the wrong way, "the democratization of our culture is a good thing good thing - " - "
"Except in the case of Mr. Blobby, who should have been punctured at birth," shrieked Perpetua. As I glanced involuntarily at Perpetua"s bottom thinking, "That"s a bit rich coming from her," I caught Mark Darcy doing the same thing.
"What I resent resent, though" - Natasha was looking all sort of twitchy and distorted as if she were in an Oxbridge debating society - "is this, this sort of, arrogant individualism which imagines each new generation can somehow create the world afresh."
"But that"s exactly what they do do, do," said Mark Darcy gently.
"Oh well, I mean if you"re going to look at it at that level said Natasha defensively.
"What level?" said Mark Darcy. "It"s not a level, it"s a perfectly good point."
"No. No. I"m sorry, you"re deliberately deliberately being obtuse," she said, turning bright red. "I"m not talking about a ventilating deconstructionalistic freshness of vision. I"m talking about the ultimate being obtuse," she said, turning bright red. "I"m not talking about a ventilating deconstructionalistic freshness of vision. I"m talking about the ultimate vandalization vandalization of the cultural framework." of the cultural framework."
Mark Darcy looked as if he was going to burst out laughing.
"What I mean is, if you"re taking that sort of cutesy, morally relativistic, "Blind Date is brilliant" sort of line . . . " she said with a resentful look in my direction. is brilliant" sort of line . . . " she said with a resentful look in my direction.
"I wasn"t, I just really like Blind Date Blind Date," I said. "Though I do think it would be better if they made the pickees make up their own replies to the questions instead of reading out those stupid pat answers full of puns and s.e.xual innuendos."
"Absolutely," interjected Mark.
"1 can"t stand Gladiators Gladiators, though. It makes me feel fat," I said. "Anyway, nice to meet you. Bye!"
I was just standing waiting for my coat, reflecting on how much difference the presence or absence of a diamond-patterned sweater can make to someone"s attractiveness, when I felt hands lightly on my waist I turned around. "Daniel!"
"Jones! What are you doing skulking off so early?" He leaned over and kissed me. "Mmmmmm, you smell nice," then offered me a cigarette.
"No thank you, I have found inner poise and given up smoking," I said, in a preprogrammed, Stepford Wife sort of way, wishing Daniel wasn"t quite so attractive when you found yourself alone with him.
"I see," he smirked, "inner poise, eh?"
"Yes," I said primly. "Have you been at the party? I didn"t see you."
"I know you didn"t. I saw you, though. Talking to Mark Darcy."
"How do you know Mark Darcy?" I said, astonished.
"Cambridge. Can"t stand the stupid nerd. b.l.o.o.d.y old woman. How do you know him?"
"He"s Malcolm and Elaine Darcy"s son," I began, almost going on to say, "You know Malcolm and Elaine Elaine, darling. They came over when we lived in Buckingham - "
"Who in the - "
"They"re friends of my parents. I used to play with him in the paddling pool."
"Yes, I bet you did, you dirty little b.i.t.c.h," he growled. "Do you want to come and have supper?"
Inner poise, I told myself, inner poise.
"Come on, Bridge," he said, leaning towards me seductively. "I need to have a serious discussion about your blouse. It"s extremely thin. Almost, when you examine it, thin to the point of transparency. Has it ever occurred to you that your blouse might be suffering from . . . bulimia bulimia?"
"I"ve got to meet someone," I whispered desperately.
"Come on, Bridge."
"No," I said with a firmness that rather surprised me.
"Shame," he said softly. "See you Monday," and gave me a look so dirty I felt like throwing myself after him shouting, "s.h.a.g me! s.h.a.g me!"
11 p.m. Just called Jude and told her about Daniel incident, also about Malcolm and Elaine Darcy"s son, whom Mum and Una had tried to get me off with at the Turkey Curry Buffet, turning up at the party looking rather attractive. Just called Jude and told her about Daniel incident, also about Malcolm and Elaine Darcy"s son, whom Mum and Una had tried to get me off with at the Turkey Curry Buffet, turning up at the party looking rather attractive.
"Wait a minute," said Jude. "You don"t mean Mark Mark Darcy, do you? The lawyer?" Darcy, do you? The lawyer?"
"Yes. What - do you know him as well?"
"Well, yes. I mean, we"ve done some work with him. He"s incredibly nice and attractive. I thought you said the chap at the Turkey Curry Buffet was a real geek."
Humph. b.l.o.o.d.y Jude.
Sat.u.r.day 22 April
8st 7, cigarettes, 0, alcohol units 0, calories 1800.
Today is a historic and joyous day. After eighteen years of trying to get down to 8st 7 I have finally achieved it. It is no trick of the scales, but confirmed by jeans. I am thin.
There is no reliable explanation. I have been to the gym twice in the last week, but that, though rare, is not freakish. I have eaten normally. It is a miracle. Rang Tom, who said maybe I have a tapeworm. The way to get rid of it, he said, is to hold a bowl of warm milk and a pencil in front of my mouth. (Tapeworms love warm milk, apparently. They love it.) Open my mouth. Then, when the worm"s head appears, wrap it carefully round the pencil.
"Listen," I told him, "this tapeworm is staying. I love my new tapeworm. Not only am I thin, but I no longer want to smoke or glug wine."
"Are you in love?" asked Tom in a suspicious, jealous tone. He"s always like this. It"s not that he wants to be with me, because, obviously, he is a h.o.m.os.e.xual. But if you are single the last thing you want is your best friend forming a functional relationship with somebody else. I racked my brains, then stopped, shocked by a sudden, stunning realization. I am not in love with Daniel anymore. I am free.
Tuesday 25 April
8st 7, alcohol units 0 (excellent), cigarettes 0 (v.v.g.), calories 995 (continuing good work).
Humph. Went to Jude"s party tonight in tight little black dress to show off figure feeling v. full of myself.
"G.o.d, are you all right?" asked Jude when I walked in. "You look really tired."
"I"m fine," I said, crestfallen. "I"ve lost seven pounds. What"s the matter?"
"Nothing. No, I just thought . . ."
"What? What?"
"Maybe you"ve lost it a bit quickly off your . . . face," she trailed off, looking at my admittedly somewhat deflated cleavage.
Simon was the same.
"Bridgiiiiiiiit! Have you got a f.a.g?"
"No, I"ve given up."
"Oh blimey, no wonder you look so . . . "
"What?"
"Oh, nothing, nothing. Just a bit . . . drawn."
It continued all evening. There"s nothing worse than people telling you you look tired. They might as well have done with it and say you look like five kinds of s.h.i.t. I felt so pleased with myself for not drinking but as the evening wore on, and everyone got drunker, I began to feel so calm and smug that I was even irritating myself. I kept finding myself in conversations when I actually couldn"t be bothered to say a single word, and just looked on and nodded in a wise, detached manner.
"Have you got any camomile tea?" I said to Jude at one point as she lurched past, hiccupping happily, at which point she collapsed into giggles, put her arm round me and fell over. I decided I"d better go home.
Once there, I got into bed, put my head on the pillow but nothing happened. I kept putting my head in one place, then another place, but still it wouldn"t go to sleep. Normally I would be snoring by now and having some sort of traumatized paranoid dream. I put the light on. It was only 11:30. Maybe I should do something, like, well, er . . . mending? Inner poise The phone rang. It was Tom.
"Are you all right?"
"Yes. I feel great. Why?"
"You just seemed, well, flat tonight. Everyone said you weren"t your usual self."
"No, I was fine. Did you see how thin I am?" Silence.
"Tom?"
"I think you looked better before, hon."
Now I feel empty and bewildered - as if a rug has been pulled from under my feet. Eighteen years - wasted. Eighteen years of calorie- and fat-unit-based arithmetic. Eighteen years of buying long shirts and sweaters and leaving the room backwards in intimate situations to hide my bottom. Millions of cheesecakes and tiramisus, tens of millions of Emmenthal slices left uneaten. Eighteen years of struggle, sacrifice and endeavor - for what? Eighteen years and the result is "tired and flat." I feel like a scientist who discovers that his life"s work has been a total mistake.