"Or if I had to sleep with Douglas Hurd, Michael Howard or Jim Davidson which one I"d choose. Actually, no contest, Douglas Hurd."
"Douglas Hurd?" said Mark.
"Mmm. Yes. So deliciously strict but fair."
"Hmmm," said Mark thoughtfully. "You say that, but Michael Howard"s got an extremely attractive and intelligent wife. He must have some sort of hidden charms."
"Like what, you mean?" I said, childishly, hoping he would say something about s.e.x.
"Well . . . "
He might be a good s.h.a.g, I suppose," I supplied.
"Or a fantastically skillful potter."
"Or a qualified aromatherapist."
"Will you have dinner with me, Bridget?" he said abruptly, and rather crossly, as if he was going to sit me down at a table somewhere and tell me off.
I stopped and stared at him. "Has my mum put you up to this?" I said, suspiciously.
"No . . . I . . . "
"Una Alconbury?"
"No, no . . . "
Suddenly I realized what was going on. "It"s your your mum, isn"t it?" mum, isn"t it?"
"Well, my mother has . . . "
"I don"t want to be asked out to dinner just because your mum wants you to. Anyway, what would we talk about? You"d just ask me if I"ve read any good books lately and then I"d have to make up some pathetic lie and - "
He stared at me in consternation. "But Una Alconbury told me you were a sort of literary whizz-woman, completely obsessed with books."
"Did she?" I said, rather pleased by the idea suddenly. "What else did she tell you?"
"Well, that you"re a radical feminist and have an incredibly glamorous life . . . "
"Oooh," I purred.
" . . . with millions of men taking you out."
"Huh."
"I heard about Daniel. I"m sorry."
"I suppose you did try to warn me," I muttered sulkily. "What have you got against him, anyway?"
"He slept with my wife," he said. "Two weeks after our wedding."
I stared at him aghast as a voice above us shouted, "Markee!" It was Natasha, silhouetted against the lights, peering down to see what was going on.
"Markee!" she called again. "What are you doing down there?"
"Last Christmas," Mark went on hurriedly, "I thought if my mother said the words "Bridget Jones" just once more I would go to the Sunday People Sunday People and accuse her of abusing me as a child with a bicycle pump. Then when I met you . . . and I was wearing that ridiculous diamond-patterned sweater that Una had bought me for Christmas . . . Bridget, all the other girls I know are so lacquered over. I don"t know anyone else who would fasten a bunny tail to their pants or . . . " and accuse her of abusing me as a child with a bicycle pump. Then when I met you . . . and I was wearing that ridiculous diamond-patterned sweater that Una had bought me for Christmas . . . Bridget, all the other girls I know are so lacquered over. I don"t know anyone else who would fasten a bunny tail to their pants or . . . "
"Mark!" yelled Natasha, heading down the stairs toward us.
"But you"re going out with somebody," I said, rather pointing out the obvious.
"I"m not anymore, actually," he said. "Just dinner? Sometime?"
"OK," I whispered. "OK."
Afterwards I thought I"d better go home: what with Natasha watching my every move as if she were a crocodile and I was getting a bit near to her eggs, and me having given Mark Darcy my address and phone number and having fixed to see him next Tuesday. On my way through the dancing room I saw Mum, Una and Elaine Darcy chatting animatedly to Mark - couldn"t help imagining their faces if they knew what had just gone on. I suddenly had a vision of next year"s Turkey Curry Buffet with Brian Enderby hitching up the waistband of his trousers going, "Harumph. Nice to see the young people enjoying themselves, isn"t it?" and Mark Darcy and me forced to do tricks for the a.s.sembled company, like rubbing noses or having s.e.x in front of them, like a pair of performing seals.
Tuesday 3 October
8st 12, alcohol units 3 (v.g.), cigarettes 21 (bad), number of times said word "b.a.s.t.a.r.d" in last twenty-four hours 369 (approx.).
7:30 p.m. Complete panic stations. Mark Darcy is coming over to pick me up in half an hour. Just got home from work with mad hair and unfortunate laundry crisis outfit on. Help oh help. Was planning to wear white 501s but suddenly occurs to me he may be the type who will take me to a posh scary restaurant. Oh G.o.d, do not have anything posh to wear. Do you think he will expect me to put bunny tail on? Not that I"m interested in him or anything. Complete panic stations. Mark Darcy is coming over to pick me up in half an hour. Just got home from work with mad hair and unfortunate laundry crisis outfit on. Help oh help. Was planning to wear white 501s but suddenly occurs to me he may be the type who will take me to a posh scary restaurant. Oh G.o.d, do not have anything posh to wear. Do you think he will expect me to put bunny tail on? Not that I"m interested in him or anything.
7:50 p.m. Oh G.o.d oh G.o.d. Still have not washed hair. Will quickly get into bath. Oh G.o.d oh G.o.d. Still have not washed hair. Will quickly get into bath.
8:00 p.m. Drying hair now. V. much hope Mark Darcy is late as do not want him to find me in dressing gown with wet hair. Drying hair now. V. much hope Mark Darcy is late as do not want him to find me in dressing gown with wet hair.
8:05 p.m. Hair is more or less dry now. Then just have to do makeup, get dressed and put mess behind sofa. Must prioritize. Consider makeup most important, then mess disposal. Hair is more or less dry now. Then just have to do makeup, get dressed and put mess behind sofa. Must prioritize. Consider makeup most important, then mess disposal.
8:15 p.m. Still not here. V.g. Keen on a man who comes round lace, in stark contrast to people who come round early, startling and panicking one and finding unsightly items still unhidden in the home. Still not here. V.g. Keen on a man who comes round lace, in stark contrast to people who come round early, startling and panicking one and finding unsightly items still unhidden in the home.
8:20 p.m. Well, pretty much ready now. Maybe will put something different on. This is weird. Does not seem like him to be more than half an hour late. Well, pretty much ready now. Maybe will put something different on. This is weird. Does not seem like him to be more than half an hour late.
8:30 p.m. 9:00 p.m. Cannot quite believe it. Mark Darcy has stood me up. b.a.s.t.a.r.d! Cannot quite believe it. Mark Darcy has stood me up. b.a.s.t.a.r.d!
Thursday 5 October
8st 13. (bad), chocolate items 4 (bad), number of times watched video 17 (bad).
11 a.m. In loo at work. Oh no. Oh no. On top of humiliating standing-up debacle, found self horrible center of attention at morning meeting today. In loo at work. Oh no. Oh no. On top of humiliating standing-up debacle, found self horrible center of attention at morning meeting today.
"Right, Bridget," said Richard Finch. "I"m going to give you another chance. The Isabella Rossellini trial. Verdict expected today. We think she"s going to get off. Get yourself down to the High Court. I don"t want to see you climbing up any poles or lampposts. I want a hardheaded interview. Ask her if this means it"s OK for us all to murder people every time we don"t fancy having s.e.x with them. What are you waiting for, Bridget? Off you go."
I had no idea, not even a glimmer of a clue as to what he was talking about. "You have noticed the Isabella Rossellini trial, haven"t you?" said Richard. "You do read the papers, occasionally?"
The trouble with this job is that people keep flinging names and stories at you and you have a split second to decide whether or not to admit you have no idea what they"re talking about, and if you let the moment go then you"ll spend the next half hour desperately flailing for clues to what it is you are discussing in depth and at length with a confident air: which is precisely what happened with Isabella Rossellini.
And now I must set off to meet scary camera crew at the law courts in five minutes to cover and report on a story on the television without having the faintest idea what it is about.
11:05 a.m. Thank G.o.d for Patchouli. Just came out of the toilet and she was being pulled along by Richard"s dogs straining at the leash. Thank G.o.d for Patchouli. Just came out of the toilet and she was being pulled along by Richard"s dogs straining at the leash.
"Are you OK?" she said. "You look a bit freaked out."
"No, no, I"m fine," I said.
"Sure?" she stared at me for a moment. "Listen, right, you realize he didn"t mean Isabella Rosselli at the meeting, didn"t you? He"s thinking of Elena Rossini, right."
Oh, thank G.o.d and all his angels in heaven above. Elena Rossini is the children"s nanny accused of murdering her employer after he allegedly subjected her to repeated rape and effective house arrest for eighteen months. I grabbed a couple of newspapers to bone up and ran for a taxi.
3 p.m. Cannot believe what just happened. Was hanging around outside the High Court for ages with the camera crew and a whole gang of reporters all waiting for the trial to end. Was b.l.o.o.d.y good fun, actually. Even started to see the funny side of being stood up by Mr. Perfect Pants Mark Darcy. Suddenly realized I"d run out of cigarettes. So I whispered to the cameraman, who was really nice, if he thought it would be OK if I nipped to the shop for five minutes and he said it would be fine, because you"re always given warning when they"re about to come out and they"d come and get me if it was about to happen. Cannot believe what just happened. Was hanging around outside the High Court for ages with the camera crew and a whole gang of reporters all waiting for the trial to end. Was b.l.o.o.d.y good fun, actually. Even started to see the funny side of being stood up by Mr. Perfect Pants Mark Darcy. Suddenly realized I"d run out of cigarettes. So I whispered to the cameraman, who was really nice, if he thought it would be OK if I nipped to the shop for five minutes and he said it would be fine, because you"re always given warning when they"re about to come out and they"d come and get me if it was about to happen.
When they heard I was going to the shop, a lot of reporters asked me if I"d bring them f.a.gs and sweets and so it took quite a while working it all out. I was just standing in the shop trying to keep all the change separate with the shopkeeper when this bloke walked in obviously in a real hurry and said. "Could you let me have a box of Quality Street?" as if I wasn"t there. The poor shopkeeper looked at me as if not sure what to do.
"Excuse me, does the word "queue" mean anything to you?" I said in a hoity-toity voice, turning around to look at him. I made a weird noise. It was Mark Darcy all dressed up in his barrister outfit. He just stared at me, in that way he has.
"Where in the name of a.r.s.e were you last night?" I said.
"I might ask the same question of you," he said, icily.
At that moment the camera a.s.sistant burst into the shop. "Bridget!" he yelled. "We"ve missed the interview. Elena Rossini"s come out and gone. Did you get my Minstrels?"
Speechless, I grabbed the edge of the sweet counter for support. "Missed it?" I said as soon as I could steady my breathing. "Missed it? Oh G.o.d. This was my last chance after the fireman"s pole and I was buying sweets. I"ll be sacked. Did the others get interviews?"
"Actually, n.o.body got any interviews with her," said Mark Darcy.
"Didn"t they?" I said, looking up at him desperately. "But how do you know?"
"Because I was defending her, and I told her not to give any," he said casually. "Look, she"s out there in my car."
As I looked, Elena Rossini put her head out of the car window and shouted in a foreign accent, "Mark, sorry. You bring me Dairy Box, please, instead of Quality Street?" Just then our camera car drew up.
"Derek!" yelled the cameraman out of the window. "Get us a Twix and a Lion Bar, will you?"
"So where were you last night?" asked Mark Darcy.
"Waiting for b.l.o.o.d.y you," I said between clenched teeth.
"What, at five past eight? When I rang on your doorbell twelve times?"
"Yes, I was . . . " I said, feeling the first twinges of realization, "drying my hair."
"Big hair dryer?" he said.
"Yes 1600 volts, Salon Selectives," I said proudly. "Why?"