"Course, you know what she was doing, don"t you?" said Berwick, as Rickards snapped on a pair of latex gloves and started hefting out various items of s.e.xual apparatus. "She was s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g the guy who came to install our broadband. There"s me, risking life and liberty to keep her in hair dye and French cla.s.ses, and she"s off s.h.a.gging some internet geek." He seemed to shrink. "And get this, when I confront her, she"s the one who acts all hurt! How dare I follow her! What happened to trust? She"s s.h.a.gging someone else and I"m getting a b.o.l.l.o.c.king for not trusting her... f.u.c.king women."
Rickards held a round metal canister aloft. "Kitty-Cat Katy!"
"I go out on a job and when I come back she"s gone. Took the kids and everything else that wasn"t nailed down. Hired a removal truck: you believe that?" Berwick sniffed, watching the PC in his garage happily digging through the stuff from Zander Clark"s Victorian p.o.r.n collection. "Found a note in the kitchen: "I"ve left you. Mother always said I could do better, so now I have."" He shook his head. "Tell you, never trust a b.l.o.o.d.y woman, they"ll f.u.c.k you over every time."
It was well after six but Logan was still sitting in DI Steel"s incident room, surrounded by ever expanding piles of paperwork, filling in all the forms that came with actually solving a burglary. Rickards was on the other side of the desk, trying to match up the list of items collected from Ronald Berwick"s garage with the properties he said he"d stolen them from. They hadn"t recovered everything on the burglary reports, but then Logan hadn"t really expected to. In his experience most people padded out their claim with at least two things they"d never owned in the first place, but always fancied figuring the insurance company wouldn"t mind treating them. And Berwick had been flogging stuff down the pubs to finance his redecorating binge.
Logan put the finishing touches to another set of forms and sent them to the laser printer in the corner, creaking his way out of his chair to go get them when the machine had finished squeaking and whirring. "How many"s that?" he asked, stapling the new sheets together and adding them to the pile.
Rickards looked up from his screen. "I"ve done twenty."
Logan nodded, then checked his watch. "So we should be finished about ... seven, half-seven?" He stifled a yawn. "After that, we"re going for a pizza. Not often-"
"Sorry, sir," the familiar, telltale blush was working its way across Rickards" face. "I"ve got a ... ehm ... meeting to go to tonight."
"Yeah?" Logan slumped back behind his desk and called up the next burglary report. "Let me ask you something," he said, starting in on the form, "what kind of people are into that kind of thing?"
"Well..." the constable cleared his throat, going an even deeper shade of embarra.s.sed scarlet. "It ... we..." The door clattered open and a look of relief bloomed on Rickards" face, until he realized it was DI Steel standing in the doorway with hair like a startled grey squirrel, two patches of dark blue shadowing the armpits of her blouse.
"Well?" she demanded, "Is it true?"
Logan nodded, pointing at the steadily growing pile of completed forms. "Sixty-two break-ins."
"Sixty-two? Ha that"s nearly all of them! You try to fit him up with the rest?"
"Yes, but he"s not having any of it. They"re probably his, but he"s sold the stuff, so we"ve got no evidence."
"Ah well, can"t complain I suppose. Sixty-two..." She stuck her hands in her pockets, and beamed happily. "All those burglaries cleared up and wee Sean Morrison in custody; my crime statistics"ll look b.l.o.o.d.y brilliant this month. Right, soon as the paperwork"s done we"re goin" out on the toot. My treat. You, me and Spanky."
The constable sent Logan a panicked look. "Spanky... ?"
"Actually, ma"am, Rickards was just telling me he has to go see his mum tonight, so it"ll just be you and me."
Steel actually looked disappointed. "Aye? You sure Spanky? Clearin" up sixty-two break-ins needs a celebration..." She left a long enough pause for Rickards to change his mind, but the constable just blushed furiously and apologized instead. She shrugged. "Ah well, means more beer for us."
An hour later and Rickards was long gone hurrying off to get rubbered up, or whatever it was he did with his BDSM mates, grinning from ear to ear because Logan had told him he"d done an excellent job today, carefully downplaying Steel"s new pet name for the constable. After all, knowing what the inspector was usually like, "Spanky" was getting off lightly. Logan pulled the final report from the printer, powered everything down, flicked off the lights, yawned, and headed downstairs to the main reception desk. It was quiet and empty, so he let himself in the side door, heading round the back of the two-way mirror, where Big Gary was busily slurping his way through a vast mug of coffee and getting chocolate digestive crumbs all over a copy of the Evening Express.
"Mmmmphmm mph?" he asked as Logan helped himself to a biscuit.
"No idea. I"ve been on days non-stop for a week now and I"m knackered."
Big Gary washed down his mouthful with a slug of coffee. "Your shift pattern"s for s.h.i.te, you know that, don"t you?" He pulled a thick ledger from the shelf. "Take three days off and then you"re on nights Sat.u.r.day." He gave Logan a big fat wink. "And that puts you back in step with the lovely Miss Watson."
Logan smiled. "About b.l.o.o.d.y time too." It"d be nice to spend some time together for a change. He checked his watch she was on days, so that meant she"d be home right now. Maybe he could swing her an invite to Steel"s burglary celebration? He dug out his mobile and called the inspector from the sound of things she was already in the pub.
"Laz!" Probably on her second whisky. "Where are you?"
"Just finished, I-"
"Good. Get your a.r.s.e over here!"
"Do you mind if Jackie joins us tonight?"
"Why would I mind? h.e.l.l, for sixty-two break-ins I"d even buy Rennie dinner." The sound of someone shouting, "Yay!" in the background.
Smiling, Logan hung up and called the flat, getting the answering machine. Again. He tried Jackie on her mobile. "How"d you like to come to dinner with me and DI Steel? She"s buying."
There was a small pause, then, "I"d love to, but I can"t. Janette called: she"s locked herself in the bathroom with a bottle of vodka and a photo alb.u.m, so that"s my evening screwed again. Tell you, if I ever get my hands on her b.l.o.o.d.y fiance, I"m going to wring his sodding neck."
"Oh..." Logan frowned, trying to picture Janette and coming up empty. "You are remembering about tomorrow night though, aren"t you?"
"Tomorrow... Oh s.h.i.te!" She swore for a bit, then asked, "No way we could put it off till next week?"
"It"s her fifty-fifth birthday party, so no."
"You don"t even want to go!"
"No, but I have to. And you know what she"ll be like if you don"t show."
More swearing. "OK, OK, we"ll go to the stupid party. Jesus. Happy now?"
"Not especially." He tried being reasonable, "Look, we don"t even have to stay for all of it, we can-"
"Fine. Whatever. I"ve got to go." And the line went dead.
Logan went to the pub.
26.
The next morning DI Steel looked even more dreadful than usual; sitting very still in one of the Chief Constable"s visitors" chairs, pretending to pay attention as the man told her, Logan and PC Rickards what a great job they"d all done. "It"s not often we get sixty-two crimes wiped off the books in one day," he said, leaning back against the windowsill, high, grey cloud scudding past behind him. "Even the papers have laid off us for once." And he was right: the front page of that morning"s Press and Journal was all about a local property developer turning up at Aberdeen Royal Infirmary with both legs broken.
It might have been Logan"s imagination, but Rickards seemed to be fidgeting more than usual, shifting about in his seat, trying not to wince. As if he"d got piles. "Now," said the CC, gifting them all a broad smile, "if we can just get to the bottom of this Fettes case it"ll be back to business as usual!"
Steel nodded carefully, and mumbled something about DI Insch doing a fine job in that department. "Excellent." The Chief Constable settled back behind his desk. "So, I take it we"re building a nice airtight case?"
"Aye, well," Steel"s voice sounded like a cross between Darth Vader and a belt sander, "obviously I"ve got a bit more supervising to do, but Insch has my complete confidence." Making sure she could claim the credit if he succeeded and blame him if he didn"t.
"I see. Well, given the recent "difficulties" I want you to be hands-on with this one, Inspector. I don"t want it turning into another disaster like Rob Macintyre." He picked up a silver letter opener, holding it by the point, as if he was about to throw it at someone. "Oh, and DS McRae,"
Logan got the feeling something nasty was coming. "Yes, sir?"
"It"s not often I have to consider suspending and commending the same officer in one week. I"ll be keeping an eye on you."
"Er ... thank you, sir." But Logan wasn"t entirely sure if he"d just been praised or threatened.
Logan and Rickards didn"t even get as far as the stairs before disaster struck in the shape of DC Rennie. "Been looking all over for you! Detective Inspector Insch requests the honour of your company, at your earliest possible convenience."
"What did he really say?"
"Get your a.r.s.e up to the incident room p.r.o.nto, and bring Bondage..." he stopped himself, gave a small "ahem" and tried again, "and bring PC Rickards with you."
Logan shook his head. "No way: we"re not even supposed to be here." If it hadn"t been for DI Steel phoning up at half eight to tell him to come get a pat on the head from the Chief Constable, he"d still be in his bed, sleeping off last night"s celebratory curry and late-night drinks. "I"m back..." he worked it out on his fingers, three days off: "Sat.u.r.day."
Rennie put on a pained smile. "He did say ASAP, sir."
Logan sighed. "Of course he did."
DI Insch was deep in conversation with the admin officer when Logan and his band of merry policemen marched in. They hung around by the incident board, waiting for the inspector to finish. It didn"t take Rennie long before he started telling them all about how great it was being in The Mikado and how Sophie, Anna and Liz were all over him. "Tell you," he said, "I play my cards right I"m in for a threesome. Four if I"m lucky!"
Rickards snorted. "You"ve never had a threesome before?"
"Well..." Rennie shifted from foot to foot on the dirty, grey-green carpet tiles. "No."
"So," said Logan, changing the subject before anyone asked him, "how"s it going: rehearsals ... and things."
"Better. Still not great, well, except for Debs. The rest of us are lumbering about the place like b.l.o.o.d.y Tellytubbies."
Logan laughed. "Yeah, Jackie said you were a bit "challenged"." Rennie looked puzzled, so he explained, "The rehearsal on Sunday? When you lost your bet? Twenty quid?"
"Nah," Rennie shook his head. "Rehearsals are Monday, Wednesday and Friday. You sure she ... oh, Sunday, oh, yeah. Right, Sunday." He slapped his forehead. "Course. You know me: no brains. Sunday. Yeah."
"Rennie, get your backside over here!" DI Insch, glowering over the top of a report. The constable trotted across the room, there was some muttered discussion, and then he was off out the door on a new errand. Insch thrust the report back to the admin officer and creaked his ma.s.sive frame off the desk. "Sergeant McRae, I"ve been calling you all morning."
Logan nodded. "We were with the CC, sir, and you know what he"s like if a mobile goes off while-"
"In my office, Sergeant, and bring your constable with you."
The inspector waited till they were all in his room, then told Rickards to close the door. He settled into the large black leather chair behind the desk and stared at them in silence. "Where," he said, "is my status report from yesterday? It should have been on my desk first thing this morning." Prodding the wood with a huge sausage-like finger.
"We had a large number of burglary reports-"
"I don"t care. I sent you to do a job, I expect you to b.l.o.o.d.y well do it!" His face was starting to take on that horribly familiar florid tinge.
Rickards broke the golden rule and answered back: "That"s not fair! We solved sixty-two burglaries yesterday, got a commendation from the Chief-"
"Did I ask for your opinion, Constable?" The words coming out low and dangerous.
Rickards straightened his shoulders, drawing himself up to his full five foot five. "With all due respect-" Logan kicked him in the shin before he could get himself into any more trouble. The constable snapped his mouth shut as Insch worked himself up into a full fit of righteous fury.
"Don"t you ever dare "with all due b.l.o.o.d.y respect" me, Rickards. You"ve got something to say: say it!" He stood, towering over the constable.
"No, sir, sorry sir. Nothing."
"SAY IT!"
Logan closed his eyes and hoped to G.o.d that Rickards was bright enough to keep his big mouth shut. He wasn"t. "Sir, we cleared up a lot of crimes yesterday. We used our initiative the CC said we were a credit to the force!"
"Did he now?" Insch had finally progressed from scarlet pink to dark purple, and Logan"s eyes were inexorably drawn to that throbbing vein in the fat man"s forehead, as if a worm was burrowing away under the skin. "Understand this, Constable: when I say frog, you jump. You do not backchat, you don"t "with all due respect" and you don"t whinge. You say "how high" AND YOU b.l.o.o.d.y JUMP!"
He swung a huge finger at Logan. "You should know better!"
"Yes, sir." There was no point arguing, it would just prolong the b.o.l.l.o.c.king; much easier and quicker to roll with the punches.
The fat man checked the pulse at the side of his neck, and rumbled his way back into his seat. "What happened yesterday?"
Logan gave Insch the short version: Garvie buying stolen p.o.r.n from a man they later charged with sixty-two burglaries. "And according to Zander Clark, Fettes was acting as a male prost.i.tute; selling middle-aged ladies the chance to sleep with a bona fide p.o.r.n star. He got email offers through the Crocod.i.l.d.o website, they were forwarded to this hotmail address." Logan handed over the compliments slip the director had given him.
Insch took it with a grunt, pulled out the Jason Fettes case file, and flipped through the paperwork till he found the IB report on the victim"s computer. "b.l.o.o.d.y typical! It"s not even on the list of email addresses they gave us." He slammed the folder shut. "Get onto them: I want everything sent to, or from, that address in the last six months. Garvie must have been in touch with him. Then find out what"s happening with those b.l.o.o.d.y servers! And if you see Watson, tell her I want a word." He sat back in his seat and flicked on his computer. "Well, what are you waiting for? Move it!"
At least Rickards had enough sense to wait until they were well out of earshot before he started complaining. "Why the h.e.l.l did we have to just stand there and take it? We"re not children! You didn"t even-"
"Because I know what he"s like, OK? There"s no point arguing with Insch right now, it only antagonizes him and he"s in a foul enough mood as it is."
"But he"s not supposed to-"
Logan held up a hand, cutting him off. "You"ve not worked with a lot of DIs, have you? They all say they"ve got an open-door policy and you can come to them with anything and everyone"s opinion is valid, but when push comes to shove, it"s all b.o.l.l.o.c.ks. This is their show. If an investigation goes t.i.ts up, they"re the ones get reamed for it, not us."
"That still doesn"t give him the right to treat us like s.h.i.t!"
"True, but I"m not going back in there to argue the toss. Are you?"
Talking to the IB"s pet nerd involved a ten-minute rant from Mr Skate Or Die on how no one understood how difficult it was to do forensic computing properly and was it his fault the Dundee labs were up to their ears? When Logan pa.s.sed on Insch"s demands, it just set him off again.
By the time Logan finally got around to signing out, all he wanted to do was go back to the flat, crawl into a hot bath and forget about DI Grumpy b.a.s.t.a.r.d Insch. Big Gary was on the desk again, cup of tea in one huge paw, the other wrapped around a raisin whirl. "Where the h.e.l.l have you been?" the large man asked, mouth full of pastry. "I"ve had Insch on my a.r.s.e all morning looking for you, turn your b.l.o.o.d.y phone on!"
Logan stuck two fingers up and scribbled his signature into the book. "Day off, remember? And for your information, I was upstairs getting a commendation from the Chief Constable."
"Ah," Big Gary wiped an imaginary tear from his eye, "it"s a proud moment for us all. Still, switch on your phone: I"m not your secretary." He handed over a wad of barely legible messages, all saying things like: PHONE INSCH! and WHERE THE b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l ARE YOU? Logan scrunched them up and dropped them in the nearest bin, before pulling out his phone and switching it back on again. The thing was full of increasingly irate messages from Insch, and Logan went through them, deleting as he went. Last but not least was a grumpy-sounding one from Jackie, reminding him to pick up a present and a card for tonight, before setting off on a truncated rant about Rob Macintyre being on the radio this morning, telling everyone how much he"d suffered at the hands of Aberdeen Police"s hate campaign. "And the little s.h.i.te"s got himself a book deal! What sort of idiot-" then the message abruptly ended. Logan deleted it too. This thing with Macintyre was turning into an obsession; every day something else set her off and Logan would be treated to another lecture about how the footballer needed stringing up by the b.a.l.l.s. He was getting sick of it.
Sticking the phone back in his pocket, he headed off into town, looking for the sort of present a woman in her mid-fifties wouldn"t complain about too much.
He was in the middle of buying some kind of elephant wind-chime thing when his phone started up: the Ice Queen, AKA Dr Isobel MacAlister. "He didn"t come home! Last night! He didn"t come home!"
Logan handed over his credit card and the young woman behind the counter started wrapping. "Isobel, I don"t-"
"Colin! He didn"t come home!" She was on the verge of tears, which wasn"t like her at all.
"Maybe he"s out on a.s.signment? Visiting-"
"He would have told me!" There was a pause, and then her voice dropped to a whisper. "You know what happened last time..."