So they rode in silence.
Long after midnight, and once the rain had ceased to fall, Maggie began to doze in the saddle.
Braden paused as he saw her nodding off. Afraid she might fall and hurt herself, he pulled her into his own saddle.
She awoke with a start.
"Shhh," he said. "I didn"t want you to fall. Go back to sleep."
Instead of the argument he"d expected, she nodded once, rested her head against his chest and instantly renewed her sleeping.
Her trust amazed him. But not nearly as much as the strange tenderness he felt in his heart as he gazed down at her russet head leaning against his bare chest. Her breath tickled ever so slightly as she breathed against his shoulder. And it was all he could do not to cover her lips with his own and run his hand through her short curls.
His body roared to life, demanding her soft form.
For once, Braden took comfort in it. After what had transpired with Tara, he had begun to wonder foolishly if perhaps something were wrong with him. But the fire in his groin for her confirmed his earlier suspicion. It was Maggie he wanted. Maggie alone.
He shook his head.
Who would have ever thought that he, Braden MacAllister, would be pining away for plain little Maggie ingen Blar and her ugly shoes?
Marry her.
The words flitted across his mind so fast that he almost missed them. And for a minute, he allowed the thought to tempt him.
But it was impossible. He refused to marry a woman he might be in love with. "Twould be suicide.
"What is on your mind?" Sin asked all of a sudden.
Startled, Braden looked up to see Sin turned around in the saddle, watching him. "What"s that?"
"You"re looking a bit pensive back there and I was wondering what thought you had tormenting you."
"Who says I"m being tormented?"
Sin reined his horse to where they could ride apace of each other. "Oh, I don"t know. Perhaps that death grip you have on Maggie and the way you"re looking at her as if you can"t decide whether to cradle her or to toss her from your horse."
Braden hated the way Sin could read him so easily. "That is one uncanny ability you have there, brother.
No wonder those English friends of yours swear you sold your soul to the devil."
Sin looked at him stoically. "A man has to have a soul before he can sell it."
Braden grew quiet. There was a lot hidden in those words. Years of pain and suffering. His brother had lived through the worst life had to offer and his strength was amazing. But more than that, Braden felt guilty for it. The other lairds had sent their youngest sons as hostages to the English. And by rights it should have been him who suffered in Sin"s stead.
If he lived to be a thousand years old, he would never come to terms with the fact that Sin had gone while he had stayed.
"Is there any way you will ever forgive my mother for what she did?" Braden asked at last.
Even in the dark, Braden could feel Sin"s hatred. "They tell me anything is possible. But since I can"t forgive my own mother for what she did, why should I ever forgive yours?"
Braden said nothing. He remembered that fateful day every bit as well as Sin did. The day King David had come to their castle and demanded a son to help make peace with the English king after the war they had waged for northern England.
His father had turned a wary, thoughtful eye to each of his sons. The five of them had collectively held their breaths in fear, knowing one of them would have to go.
Lochlan had bravely taken a step forward when all of a sudden their mother grabbed him and pulled him back. She gathered her four sons to her side and left Sin standing alone. Isolated.
"You take a son of mine and I swear I"ll kill myself," she had said.
His father, who had loved her with all his being, had offered no argument. And to this day, Braden could still see the horrified look on Sin"s face as he realized his father was about to betray him.
And why.
"Go ahead, old man," Sin had snarled bravely, balling up his fists. "Send the mongrel b.a.s.t.a.r.d back to England while you coddle your Scottish wh.o.r.e."
Their father had answered Sin"s angry words with a vicious backhand that had made the boy stagger.
"No son of mine insults my wife."
"Then I"m no son of yours." His eyes filled with rage and loathing, Sin had straightened from the blow that had left blood trailing down his face.
Then he had spat his blood at his father.
Their father had raked the blood off his face, his lips curled in disgust. "You"re nothing to me, boy," he had said coldly.
The pain on Sin"s face at that moment was forever etched in Braden"s memory. "Tell me something, old man, that I don"t already know."
King David"s men had taken Sin then, and only Braden and his brothers had screamed out in protest.
His father had merely turned his back and called for their nurse to take them to their room.
Not once had his father looked back at Sin, or even mentioned his name. From that day forward, his father had lived as if Sin had never existed.
Braden had never forgiven his father for that.
And it had been on that day when his eldest brother had left that Braden had sworn never to fall in love.
He"d never allow a woman to mean more to him than his own blood. Never turn his back on a son because of a woman"s vindictiveness.
It was for that reason alone he"d been careful over the years. Careful not to leave behind a child to suffer for his actions, for he knew of the nightmares Sin had lived through. And h.e.l.l would surely freeze before Braden allowed a child of his to suffer in such a manner.
Maggie mumbled in her sleep.
Braden cuddled her closer. She was such a mystery to him. That she would traverse this path for the sake of her brothers and the lives of the clansmen spoke a lot for her.
And he found himself wondering what choice she would have made in his mother"s place. Would she have given up the child not hers, or would she have stood to defend all of them equally?
Och, now, what does it matter?
Who wants the seriousness of a wife?
But deep in his heart, he knew there lived a tiny piece of himself that really did want a family. Maggie was right. He did love the fanciful tales bards sang of women who would defend their families with their lives. He wanted that dream. A dream of that one perfect soul mate who would never ask more of him than he could give. An unselfish woman who would never betray his trust or his love.
And to his immense shock, he found himself looking at Maggie and wondering if perhaps she could be the one...
You"re a fool, Braden MacAllister. And a d.a.m.ned one, at that.
Aye, he was. Already he"d allowed her to lead him off against his common sense on a fool"s errand that would most likely get them killed.
A la.s.s such as Maggie was poison to a man such as he.
No woman was worth his life. Not now, not ever.
Not even Maggie.
Chapter 15.
They traveled through the night and well into the next day before they finally stopped for a rest.
While the men led the horses to the side of the makeshift camp to rub them down, Maggie prepared a light meal of what was left of their bread and cheese.
The entire morning had pa.s.sed in silence, though whether from stress or fatigue, she wasn"t sure. Braden had been strangely distant from her all day, which was odd given how gentle he"d been while she slept in his arms.
Several times in the night, she had jerked awake to find his arms surrounding her with warmth, and one time in particular she had felt him leaning his cheek against the top of her head while he cupped her face gently with one hand. She"d felt so safe then, so strangely wanted.
But from the moment she had awakened completely and he had stopped to let her ride her own horse, she had sensed a wall between them. Almost as if he had shut himself completely off from her.
Maggie didn"t like that feeling. Not one little bit.
What does it matter? she asked herself.By tomorrow, one way or the other, all this will be over .
Suddenly pain struck her dead in the chest. Aye, this journey would end on the morrow.
Tomorrow they could all be dead.
She, Sinand Braden.
Maggie went cold as the reality of it came crashing down on her, and she set her food aside. Robby MacDouglas was every bit as likely to kill her as he was to listen to her. More so, in fact.
It was a sobering thought, and for the first time since she had started this journey, the full reality of it hit her. This could very well be her last day on earth.
Struggling to breathe, she looked around as if seeing the world for the very first time. She saw the beauty of the pines and oaks, of all the trees surrounding her. The way their gray and brown bark contrasted with the lush green forest. She felt the crispness of the gra.s.s beneath her as she sat cross-legged on the ground. Heard the gentle lullaby of the birds and insects as they moved around her. She smelled the bright sunshine that warmed her skin, the dew on the heather.
The world was a truly beautiful place.
Dear Lord, she didn"t want to die. Not yet. Not while she had so much left to do!
Unbidden, a thousand wishes whirled through her mind simultaneously. All the things she had wanted to do in her life but never had the chance to do. She"d wanted to see Ireland just once, to go south and visit Hadrian"s Wall. She"d wanted to watch her children and grandchildren frolic across her yard as they hunted for dragon treasure and teased each other.
She"d looked forward to watching Anghus"s infant son grow to manhood, teaching him to ride and pick berries. She"d even wanted to see Ian find a good la.s.s and marry.
So many things she"d wanted to do, had always looked forward to doing.
Now her time for doing it might very well be up.
And then her gaze fell to Braden as he freed her horse to graze and started rubbing down his own. He lifted one strong hand up to brush a dark lock of hair from his damp brow.
Maggie froze. Of all the things she had wanted in her life, he was the one thing she regretted most not having. All the dreams she had dreamed of him, all the pretend kisses she had given her pillow-all that came rushing back to her.
And then she made a decision.
After all these years of living her life for others, there was one selfish act that she wanted.
If she did die on the morrow, there was one last thing she wanted to do. One regret she didn"t want to have.
Braden left the horses to graze. He had started back toward Maggie when he noticed Sin sitting propped against a tree. He took two steps toward his brother before he realized Sin was sound asleep.
Smiling at the unusual event, Braden shook his head. So, his brother was human after all. There were times when even he had doubts.
Unwilling to disturb Sin, Braden tiptoed backward until he knew he wouldn"t wake him.
As he drew closer to the camp, Braden forced himself not to look at Maggie. But it was difficult. He knew he had to keep distance between them, and yet it was the hardest thing he had ever tried to do in his life.
"While Sin is sleeping, I"m going to bathe," he said to her, retrieving his pack from the ground.
He had to give Sin credit. His brother had done a remarkable job of gathering most of their supplies before getting them out of Tara and her sisters" clutches. But then, speed of action and quick thinking under pressure were Sin"s specialties.
When Maggie didn"t speak to him, he glanced at her. She sat quietly alone, not paying him any heed.
No doubt I hurt her by ignoring her this morning. The pain of the thought sliced through him, and inwardly he cursed.
He should never have come on this trip. Never have volunteered to get the women out. If he hadn"t spent so much time with Maggie the last two days, then he never would have known how much she meant to him. He could have lived out the whole of his life in blissful ignorance.
Sighing, he headed through the trees to the stream they"d been following.
He doffed his clothes and waded in, but not even the coldness of the water could squelch the fiery need he had for her. Any more than it could take her from his mind.
Braden dove under the water and did his best not to think of redheaded nymphs who were capable of stealing men"s souls.
Maggie stared into the trees in the direction where Braden had vanished. Her hands shook as she debated what she should do.
Go on, her mind urged.You already made the decision .