No one knew of that moment in the nursery. No one knew how much guilt Lochlan felt and how much hurt. It was his alone to bear.
And if Kieran was alive and had put him through this for no other reason than selfish vanity, he would kill him for sure this time.
But none of that would take away the sting of truth. Because of his father"s reckless infidelities and the responsibility for running the clan while his father was drunk, Lochlan had become isolated very early in his life. He"d done his best to keep the truth of his father"s character from everyone. His mother, his brothers, and his clan.
The only time he"d ever sought the comfort of a woman, she"d betrayed him foully and it was that betrayal he could never get past. There was no way he would ever open himself up to another person for that kind of pain again. He"d had enough of it.
Catarina cleared her throat, dragging his attention back to her. "I asked you a question, Lochlan, and it seems to have gotten you lost in thought. Are you all right?"
"I am fine, my lady."
"Hmmm...my mother used to say that men will only admit to being fine when they"re hiding something. What are you hiding?"
He let out a long, tired breath. "You are relentless with your questions."
"And you are very much like your brother Ewan. That"s not an insult, by the way. I happen to like Ewan a great deal...when he"s not being stubborn. But he was never one to talk much either. He said it was because he could never get a word in while his brothers were talking. I can only a.s.sume he meant Braden and Sin since neither you nor Ewan speaks."
Lochlan grew quiet as he realized he was being charmed by her. If he were Braden, he"d probably have her naked beneath him within the next quarter hour. But those kinds of flirtations never appealed to him...actually that wasn"t true. The thought of them appealed to him greatly.
There was nothing he"d like more than to silence her speech with a kiss and take her to the copse of trees ahead for a quick tryst.
It was the consequences of what happened after the s.e.x that kept him from acting out his fantasies. There would be the fear of an unplanned baby and she would expect more from him than just a kiss and a tumble. He"d spent too many days drying the tears of women who were upset at his brothers to want to deal that pain to another. Not to mention all the years of his mother"s weeping over his father"s heartless dalliances. He liked to think he was a better man than to let his animal instincts override his humanity.
Lochlan paused as he caught sight of something out of the corner of his eye. He had the worst feeling they were being followed.
But it wasn"t possible. The guards were both dead and no one else knew where he was.
Catarina eyed him suspiciously. "If you keep that up, you"re going to make me nervous."
"Forgive me."
Cat didn"t know what to think of her escort. He was so proper and rigid, which was what irritated her about him. He reminded her too much of her father. Always concerned about appearances, her father had refused even to hold her hand when she"d been a child. Royalty was expected to hide everything. They lived restrained and that wasn"t her. She had too much of her mother in her for that.
It was why she was running from what her father wanted even though it wasn"t in her to run at all.
She"d always been the kind of person to stand her ground, but in this she had no voice. Her father would preach to her of obligation and duty. He would somehow guilt her into a relationship that was doomed and life was too short to be spent in a miserable trap with a man who expected her to laugh never. A man who would dictate what she wore, how she conducted herself, and if she could even be seen in public.
Cat wanted laughter and dance. Happiness. Most of all, she wanted to love. She never wanted to reach out to a man again in her life and have him flinch or step away. She wanted someone who could touch her without caring what others would think.
She would never forget that day as a young woman when she"d been in a village with her uncle Bavel. They"d gone to town for supplies and while there she"d seen a soldier returning from battle. He"d been on foot, ragged and unkempt.
Even so, a shrill scream of delight had split the air a moment before a woman only a few years older than her had dropped her basket and run to him. He"d scooped her up in his arms and had twirled around with her, laughing and kissing her.
That was what Cat wanted. An unrestrained love. Pa.s.sion. To know that her lover held no regard for anyone but her. It was as unrealistic as flying pigs, but she"d seen it once and that moment had given her hope. It was a hope she clung to tenaciously.
She refused to settle for anything less.
"So tell me something, Lochlan?" she asked, trying to break the awkward silence between them.
"Have you married your bride yet?"
He appeared startled by her question. "Pardon?"
"Ewan told me that you were negotiating a marriage contract with another clan. I was wondering if you"d married her yet?"
A coldness came over his features. "Her father wishes it."
"But not you?"
"It would make sense to align our clans. Hers has a great deal of farmland and they are known fighters. It would increase our numbers and sh.o.r.e up our defenses in the south."
She tsked at him. "Oh, Lochlan...I pity your bride. Is that what you"ll tell her on your wedding night? My people thank you for the marriage, my lady. Our union will give us more farmland?"
He paused to frown at her. "You cannot live your life with wild abandon forever, Catarina. Sooner or later you have to grow up and realize there are consequences for freedom."
"Aye, laughter. Fun. Grave consequences indeed."
He shook his head. "You"re just like Braden. And in his ever quest for freedom lay a hundred broken hearts who will never get over his carefree abandon. Do you not care who you hurt?"
"Of course I care. I"ve never hurt anyone intentionally."
"What about the bite you took out of my shoulder?"
She lifted her chin boldly. "You were suppressing me and I was defending myself. My laughter and dance have never hurt anyone."
His blue eyes were chilling. "You think not? Have you any idea how many men might have seen you dance and believe that you"re attracted to them? When you rebuff them, it hurts, whether you mean for it to or not."
She scowled at the anger in his tone. "My G.o.d, how many times have you been hurt to feel that way?"
"Never. I don"t allow myself the luxury of those emotions, but I"ve dried enough tears from women who lament and mourn the careless behavior of people who play with their emotions. "Tis cruel to trifle with others."
Well, she wouldn"t have to worry about him trying to seduce her, not that she"d ever be susceptible to him. He was unbearable.
Cat fell silent as they walked. There really wasn"t much to say to someone who was so different from her. It was obvious he was content to live a restrained life and she was most certain their views on every topic would be as diametrically opposed. Unlike her, Lochlan didn"t seem to thrive on debate. Rather he preferred peaceful silence and the last thing she wanted to do was agitate the best hope she had of avoiding her father"s plans.
After an hour, Lochlan helped her mount her horse and they rode quietly until they reached another small settlement. It was late evening and there was quite a bit of activity as people rushed to finish their business before nightfall.
Lochlan slid to the ground in front of the village stable, then turned to help her down. Several of the townsmen turned to study them. It was obvious they didn"t get many strangers here.
An older man came out of the barn, scratching the back of his neck. Around the age of threescore, he had fluffy gray hair and thick brows.
Lochlan handed him the reins of his horse. "Could you please give them extra oats?"
The man frowned at Lochlan. "What"s that?"
Lochlan held out his coin. "Could you please give the horses extra oats."
The man twisted up his face in distaste. "What you speaking, English?"
Lochlan couldn"t have looked any more offended had he tried.
Cat realized the man couldn"t understand Lochlan"s Norman French through his thick brogue.
She stepped forward to smooth the matter between them. "We need to stable the horses for the night, good sir. He wishes you to give them extra oats."
"Then why didn"t he say that?"
Lochlan"s scowl deepened as the man took his money and left with the horses. ""Tis what I said."
Cat had to force herself not to laugh at his ire. She was certain Lochlan wouldn"t appreciate it in the least. "Aye, but you have quite an accent there and I"m sure he"s not heard it often."
The man returned to them and cleared his throat before he spoke to Cat. "By the way, my lady, you might want to tell folks he"s mute and speak for him. We don"t like foreigners here, especially the English."
Lochlan"s nostrils flared. "I"m not English," he said between clenched teeth.
Cat feigned a seriousness she didn"t feel. "In his world there"s no difference between you and them."
"There"s a lot of difference."
"I know that, but to a French peasant, you"re just another stranger and English or Scottish makes no difference."
A tic worked in his jaw.
Cat patted him on the arm. "Come, my lord, and I"ll see about getting us a place to eat and rest."
"You"re enjoying this, aren"t you?"
"More than you"ll ever know."
Lochlan watched as she flounced on ahead of him, gloating in her smugness. Truth be told, he"d had quite a few problems with people not understanding his French even though he was fluent in it. It angered him that he was now forced to rely on a woman who could barely tolerate him.
As they neared what appeared to be a small hostel, he heard a boy pleading in the tanner"s shop.
"Please, sir, my father will be ruthlessly angry. He told me that he needed proper payment this time."
"And I"ve given you your payment, boy. Now get out before I thrash you."
"But sir--"
The boy"s voice was cut off by the sound of a slap. An instant later, a child no older than ten stumbled out, holding his cheek. Lanky and small, his brown eyes were bright with tears.
Lochlan pulled the boy to a stop as he started past. "Are you all right?"
He recoiled. "Please, my lord. I have nothing for you to take."
Lochlan shook his head. "I don"t want to take from you, lad. I just want to know if you were dealt with fairly or not?"
Cat paused as she realized Lochlan wasn"t behind her. She hastened back to find him with a boy, outside a small shop.
The boy"s cheek was bright crimson and bore the outline of a large hand. That sight alone was enough to infuriate her.
His voice trembled as he spoke to Lochlan. "I brought the hides as my father bade me, but the tanner only paid half his usual fee."
Before she could blink, Lochlan took the boy inside the store to confront the owner. She followed after them, but Lochlan didn"t seem to know she was even there as he faced the tanner.
The man"s eyes widened as he took in the size of Lochlan and the presence of his sheathed sword.
"The child says you be owing him payment."
The tanner"s gaze narrowed angrily. "What lies you telling, boy?"
"None, sir, please. My father will beat me if I bring home less than what he expects."
The tanner curled his lip as he threw a stack of hides at the boy. "You"re lucky I paid you anything at all. These are worthless to me. Your drunken father ruined most of them. Now get out of my sight before I have you arrested for theft."
The boy tucked his chin to his chest and turned, but Lochlan stopped him. He knelt before the child. "Let me see your coins."
Tears welled in the boy"s eyes as he opened his hand to show a single copper coin.
"And how much more are you supposed to have?"
"A franc, my lord."
Lochlan loosened the strings of his purse, then handed the child two francs.
The boy looked at him in disbelief. "Thank you, my lord. May G.o.d bless you."
Lochlan inclined his head before the child ran out of the store. Then he stood and turned a terrifying glower toward the tanner, who took two steps back. He threw several coins at the man.
"That"s for your charity, but you need to better counsel your hand. Remember, a dog will only take so many kicks before it turns vicious. The boy you abuse today could well become the man who will return the favor to you when he"s grown."
Cat stepped back as Lochlan stalked past her. She met the tanner"s eyes and saw the fear he held. It was doubtful he"d ever strike another child. Grateful for that, she rushed after Lochlan.
"That was very kind of you."
"Don"t patronize me, Catarina."
She pulled him to a stop. "I never patronize anyone. What you did was extremely kind. I"m sure you have no idea what that single act meant to that child."
"Believe me, I do know."
There was something about the conviction in his voice that made her want to hug him. If she didn"t know better, she"d think that he knew exactly how that abused child felt. But she"d seen the love his family had for him. They were so close that there was no way he could comprehend the misery that child most likely knew.
Still, he reminded her much of a wounded lion and she didn"t understand why. He was so stern and rigid...so powerful that the thought of him being wounded by anything was incongruous.
Even though Ewan was physically a much larger man than Lochlan, he lacked the lethal quality that seemed ingrained in the MacAllister.
And Lochlan was even more rigid now than he"d been earlier.