Would she? He believed it. He had not realized he held her in such extraordinary esteem, but he did. Suddenly it filled his mind. There was pain in it, but also a kind of elation which was more than simply a recognition of truth.
Still he was startled some time later when there was a knock on his door and she stood in the entrance, white-faced. He found himself stammering slightly.
"Wh-what is it? Has something-"
"No," she said quickly, attempting a smile. "Everyone is alive and well-at least I believe so. There have been no screams in the last half hour."
"Please, Clarice!" He spoke impulsively. "Don"t ..."
"I know." She came in and closed the door behind her, but stood with both hands still on the k.n.o.b, leaning against it. "It is a time to be deadly serious-I mean...grave." She shut her eyes. "Oh, G.o.d!" she whispered. "I can"t get it right, can I?"
He was obliged to smile in spite of himself. "No," he agreed gently. "It would seem not. Do you want to try again?"
"Thank you." She opened her eyes wide. They were clear and very dark gray. "Are you all right? I know you had another visit from that policeman. He"s your brother-in-law, but ..."
He meant to be discreet, not to burden her with the decisions he had to make, the uncertainties, the cost.
"You aren"t all right, are you?" she said softly. "Did Mallory do it?"
He could not lie. He had struggled for hours with what to do, what to say to Pitt, with the fear of what would happen, what his own conscience would do to him if he did nothing. Now the decision was taken from him.
"No, he didn"t," he answered. "He couldn"t have."
"Couldn"t he?" She was uncertain. She knew it was not necessarily good news. There was apprehension in her eyes, not relief.
He did not look away. "No. The chemical that was spilled across the conservatory path was wet at the time Unity was killed. It was on her shoes, but it wasn"t on his. I checked it all with the garden boy, and with Stander. I looked at all Mallory"s shoes. He"s still lying about her going in there to speak to him. I don"t know why. It is completely pointless. But he didn"t come out, so he couldn"t have been at the top of the stairs."
"So it was Papa ..." She looked stricken. It was a truth almost more than she knew how to bear.
He responded instinctively, reaching out and taking her hands in his.
"He believed it was me," he said, dreading her response, the moment when she would pull away from him in revulsion, as she must. But he could not let the lie build itself between them. "Pitt found his journal and deciphered it. He really believed I had killed Unity ..."
She looked puzzled. "Why? Because you knew her before?"
He felt a numbness creep through him, a p.r.i.c.kling.
"You knew that?" His voice was hoa.r.s.e.
"She told me." A smile flickered over her face. "She thought I was in love with you, and she wanted to stop me from doing anything about it. She thought it would anger me or make me dislike you." She gave a jerky little laugh. "She told me you had been lovers and that you had left her." She waited for him to respond.
At that instant he would have given anything he possessed to be able to tell her it was untrue, the fabrication of a jealous woman. But one lie necessitated another, and he would destroy the only relationship he had which had a cleanness to it, an unselfishness not spoiled by appet.i.te, illusion or deceit. When it was shattered, at least it would be by the past, not the present. He would not sacrifice the future for a few days, or hours, until Pitt broke it.
"I did leave her," he admitted. "She aborted our child, and I was so horrified, and grieved, I ran away. I realized we did not love each other, only ourselves, our own hungers. That doesn"t justify any of it, or what I did afterwards. I didn"t set out to be dishonest, but I was. I had other loves, was innocent enough to believe a woman could share a man with another woman. And then when she was...vulnerable...to discover she couldn"t." He still could not put the true words to it. "I should have known that. I could have, had I been honest. I was old enough and experienced enough not to have believed that lie. I allowed myself because I wanted to."
She was staring at him unwaveringly.
He would like to have stopped, but he would only have to tell her later, begin all over again. Better to complete it now, no matter how hard it was. He let go of her hands. He would not allow himself to feel her pull away.
"I did not want the commitment of one love, of responsibility during the hard times as well as the easy ones," he said, hearing his voice sounding flat and mundane for such terrible words. "It was your father who pulled me out of my despair after Jenny killed herself and I knew I was to blame for it. He taught me courage and forgiveness. He taught me there is no going back, only forward. If I wanted to make anything of my life, of myself, then I must work my way out of the slough I had dug myself into." He swallowed. "And then when he needed me, I was not able to do anything. I stood by helplessly and watched him drown."
"We all did," she whispered, her voice thick with tears. "I did, too. I had no idea what was happening, or why. I believe, and I couldn"t help his unbelief. I loved him, and I couldn"t see what was happening with Unity. I still don"t understand. Did he love her, or simply need something she could give him?"
"I don"t know. I don"t understand either." Without thinking he took her hands again, and his fingers tightened around hers. "But I must tell Pitt it wasn"t Mallory, and he already believes it wasn"t your father. That only leaves me, and I can"t prove to him I didn"t. I think he may arrest me."
She drew in her breath sharply and seemed about to say something, then she did not.
What else was there to say? A score of things poured into his mind. He should apologize for all the hurt he had caused her, for all he had been which was shallow and in the end self-serving and pointless, for all the promises he had made, implicitly, and had failed to live up to, and for what was yet to come. He wanted to tell her how much she mattered to him, that he cared intensely what she thought of him, what she felt in return. But that would be unfair. It would only place another burden on her, when she already had so much.
"I"m sorry," he said, lowering his eyes. "I wanted to be so much better than I have been. I suppose I started really trying much too late."
"You didn"t kill Unity, did you?" It was barely a question, more of a statement, and her voice was not tremulous, seeking help, rather demanding confirmation.
"No."
"Then I will do everything I can to see you are not blamed for it. I"ll fight everybody I have to!" she answered fiercely.
He looked at her.
Slowly the color filled her face. Her eyes had betrayed her, and she knew it. She avoided him for an instant, then gave up a hopeless task.
"I love you," she admitted. "You don"t have to say anything, except for heaven"s sake, don"t be grateful. I couldn"t bear it!"
He started to laugh, because what she feared was so far from anything he felt. Grat.i.tude certainly, overwhelming, joyous grat.i.tude, even if it was too late and there could never be anything ahead of them but struggle and grief. It was the most precious thing to know, and whatever Pitt said or did, whatever he believed, he could not take that away.
"Why are you laughing?" she demanded hotly.
He held on to her hands although she was pulling away.
"Because that is about the only thing on earth that could make me happy just at the moment," he answered. "It is the only good and clean and sweet thing in all this tragedy. I didn"t realize it until just before you came in. I seem to see everything really precious when it is too late, but I love you, too."
"Do you?" she said with surprise.
"Yes. Yes, I do!"
"Really?" She frowned for a moment, searching his face, his eyes, his mouth. Then when she saw the truth of it, she reached up and very delicately kissed his lips.
He hesitated, then closed his arms around her and held her, kissed her, and then again, and again. He would go and speak to Pitt...but later. This hour might be all there was; he must make it last so he could remember it forever.
12
PITT LAY IN BED and thought about the evening with a sense of surprise still keeping him wide awake. Dominic had been to see him to tell him that Mallory was not guilty, that he could not be. Pitt already knew the facts and their meaning; Tellman had investigated them on his instruction days before. and thought about the evening with a sense of surprise still keeping him wide awake. Dominic had been to see him to tell him that Mallory was not guilty, that he could not be. Pitt already knew the facts and their meaning; Tellman had investigated them on his instruction days before.
What startled him was that Dominic should have seen the proof himself and should have brought it to Pitt, knowing how it had to affect his own position. And yet he had done so, clear-eyed and without equivocation. It had cost him dearly, that much had been very plain in his face. He had looked as if he expected Pitt to take him into custody there and then. He had flinched, but kept his head high. He had searched Pitt"s eyes for the contempt he foresaw...and he had not found it. Curiously, the emotion that came to Pitt was respect. For the first time since they had met each other, as far back as Cater Street, Pitt had felt a surge of deep and quite genuine admiration for him.
For an instant Dominic had seen it and a faint flush of pleasure had colored his face. Then it had gone again as the truth of his situation returned to him.
Pitt had acknowledged what he had said without telling him he already knew. He had thanked Dominic and allowed him to depart, saying only that he would continue to investigate the matter.
Now he lay close to sleep, but still as confused as he had been at the very beginning. The matter was not solved. It could not have been Mallory. He did not believe it was Dominic, although he had had every reason and every opportunity. There were too many contradictions in Ramsay"s guilt for Pitt to accept that with any ease. And yet could it really be Clarice? That was the only other answer, and that did not seem right, either. When he had suggested it to Charlotte she had dismissed it out of hand as totally ridiculous. Not that that was an argument against its possibility, only against its likelihood.
He drifted into restless sleep, half waking every hour or two, and then finally a little before five he was wide awake and his mind turned again to the love letters between Ramsay and Unity Bellwood. He could not understand them. They fitted in with nothing that he knew of either person.
He lay in the dark for half an hour trying to think of anything that would make sense of them, trying to imagine the circ.u.mstances in which they could have been composed. What could Ramsay have been feeling to have risked putting pen to paper with such words? He must have been in so great a heat of pa.s.sion all sense of his own danger had left him. And why write to her when she was there in the house and he could see her within hours, if not minutes? It was the action of a man who had lost all sense of proportion, a man verging on madness.
It came back to that again and again: madness.
Had Ramsay been mad? Was the answer as simple and as tragic as that?
He slipped out of bed, shivering as his bare feet touched the cold floor. He must look at those letters again. Perhaps they would contain some explanation if he studied them enough.
He picked up his clothes. He would dress in the kitchen, so as not to waken Charlotte. It was far too early to disturb her. He tiptoed across the room and pulled the door open. It made a slight squeak, but he managed to close it again silently, or almost.
Downstairs was chilly. The warmth of the evening before had dissipated and only immediately next to the stove could he still feel any heat. At least Gracie had left the scuttle full, to save herself this morning. He lit the lamp and dressed first, then riddled the dead cinders through and after a few moments managed to get the fire going again. He put coals on it very carefully. If he swamped it he would put it out completely. It was definitely a skill.
While it was catching and burning up he filled the kettle and looked out the teapot and fetched the caddy from the cupboard. He took the largest breakfast cup off the hook on the dresser, with its saucer. The fire was burning quite well. He put two more pieces of coal on, then closed the lid. Within moments the stove was beginning to warm. He set the kettle on it, then went through to the parlor and found the letters and the journal again.
Back in the kitchen, he sat down at the table and started to read.
He had been through them all once and was beginning a second time when the sound of the boiling kettle penetrated his thoughts and he put them down and made himself a pot of tea. He had forgotten milk, so he went to the larder and fetched a jug, carefully taking off the little circle of muslin with its trim of beads which kept it covered. He poured the tea and sipped it gingerly. It was too hot.
The letters still made no sense in the pattern of things as he knew them. He sat with the papers spread in front of him and stared, still sipping at the tea and blowing at it now and then. He was achieving nothing, and he knew it.
He did not know how long he sat there, but his cup was nearly empty when he heard Charlotte come in. He looked around. She was wearing her nightgown and a thick dressing robe. He had bought it for her when the children were very small and she had had to get up and down several times during the night, but it still looked soft and very flattering wrapped around her. There were only one or two small mends in it, and a little discoloration on one shoulder where Jemima had been sick, but it could only be seen in a certain light; otherwise it looked like the natural shading of the fabric.
"Are these the love letters?" she asked.
"Yes. Would you like a cup of tea? It"s still hot."
"Yes, please." She sat down, leaving him to fetch another cup and pour it for her. She started to read the letter nearest to her, frowning as she did.
He put the tea beside her but she was too absorbed to notice. She picked up a second letter, and a third, and a fourth and fifth. He watched her face and saw incredulity and amazement deepen into a fierce concentration as she read faster and faster.
"Your tea"s getting cold," he observed.
"Mm ..." she replied absently.
"Extraordinary, aren"t they?" he went on.
"Mm ..."
"Can you think why he would write such things?" he asked.
"What?" She looked up for the first time. She put her hand out absently for the cup and sipped from it. She pulled a face. "It"s cold!"
"I told you."
"What?"
"I told you it was getting cold."
"Oh. Did you?"
He stood up patiently, took the cup from her and poured the tepid tea down the sink, then took the kettle and topped up the teapot, left it a moment, then poured her a fresh cup.
"Thank you." She smiled and took it.
"Waited on hand and foot," he murmured, sitting down again and refilling his own cup.
"Thomas ..." She was thinking deeply. She had not even heard what he had said. She was placing the letters in pairs.
"Letter and answer?" he asked. "They do seem to go in twos, don"t they?"
"No ..." she said with rising intensity in her voice. "No, they"re not letters and answers. Look at them! Look at them carefully. Look at the way this one begins." She started to read.
""You who are dearest to me, how can I express to you the loneliness I feel when we are separated? The distance between us is immeasurable, and yet thoughts may fly across it, and I can reach you in heart and mind-""
"I know what it says," he interrupted. "It"s nonsense. The distance between them was nothing at all, a different room in the same house, at the most."
She dismissed him with an impatient little jerk of her head. "And look at this: "My own beloved, my hunger for you is inexpressible. When we are apart I drown in a void of loneliness, engulfed in the night. Infinity yawns between us. And yet I have but to think of you and neither heaven nor h.e.l.l could bar my way. The void disappears and you are with me."" She stopped, staring at him. "Well, don"t you see?"
"No," he admitted. "It is still absurd, just more dramatically put. All her letters are more intense than his, and phrased a great deal more graphically. I told you that before."
"No!" she said urgently, leaning forward over the table. "I mean, it is almost exactly the same thought-just more pa.s.sionately worded! They all fall into pairs, Thomas. Idea for idea. Even in the same order."
He put down his cup. "What are you saying?"
"I don"t think they"re love letters at all-I mean, not in the sense that they wrote them to each other," she answered eagerly. "They were both students of ancient literature: he only of theological things, but she of all sorts. I think these are two different translations of the same originals."
"What?"
"The rather drier ones are his, in his hand." She pointed to them. "The more graphic, more pa.s.sionate ones are hers. She saw the s.e.xual connotations in them, or put it there herself; he was much more metaphorical or spiritual. I"d lay a wager with you that if we search the house, probably the study, we"ll find the original Latin or Greek or Hebrew, or whatever, of these letters." Again she waved her hand at them, touching her cup with the sleeve of her gown. "They were probably written by some early saint who fell away, or was drawn into temptation by some wretched woman, no doubt branded an eternal sinner for her ability to draw the said saint away from the path of sanct.i.ty. But whoever he was, we"ll find one original from which each pair of these is taken." She pushed them across to him, her face shining with certainty.
He took them slowly and placed them side by side, comparing the pa.s.sages as she pointed to them. She was right. All through they were essentially the same ideas expressed in different ways, or by two personalities who were utterly unlike in all their perceptions, their emotions, their use of words, every way in which they saw the world both without and within.
"Yes ..." he said with rapidly growing a.s.surance also. "Yes...they are! Ramsay and Unity were never in love. These are only one more issue over which they couldn"t agree. He saw them as declarations of divine love; she saw them as pa.s.sionate love between a man and a woman, and interpreted them as such. He kept them all because they were part of whatever it was he was working on."
She smiled back at him. "Exactly. It makes infinitely more sense. The idea of Ramsay being the father of her child can be forgotten completely." She made a sweeping movement with her hand and nearly knocked the milk jug onto the floor.
Pitt moved it to a safer place.