"Penny, I"m sorry. I didn"t know how to tell you. When we were dating, it didn"t seem important. Then we were married and I didn"t know what to say or how. The longer I waited, the harder it was to explain. I never meant to keep this a secret."
"We were married. I got pregnant. Never once did it occur to you to say "been there, done that"?"
"I wanted to."
"Apparently not very much. No one stopped you."
"I know. I"m sorry. I guess I hated what it said about me. That I"d given up my kid. It was a pretty typical story. My girlfriend, Alison, got pregnant. She didn"t want to keep the baby, but I did. I wasn"t sure how I could support us both, but I was willing to try. Then Gloria got involved and she said she would be there to help. We both know what that means."
Her head was spinning. Wait a minute! He"d wanted to keep the baby? He"d been willing to turn his world upside down and keep his child? Her stomach tightened and she felt as if she might throw up.
"I couldn"t let her get her hands on my daughter," he said. "So I agreed to adoption. Under the settlement, the parents were to keep me informed of her progress and tell her about me if she ever asked. They"ve been great about sending me updates and pictures. But while Lindsey knows she"s adopted, she"s not interested in her birth parents."
He leaned forward. "She"s seventeen. Going to college. G.o.d, she"s pretty and smart. And just about grown up. I can never be her father. All that time is over. But I still like knowing she"s okay."
Penny wanted to bolt. It hurt to breathe and she couldn"t think. Each word was a blow. He loved this girl so much. She could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. He loved Lindsey and yet he hadn"t cared when she, Penny, had lost their baby. He"d barely acknowledged its pa.s.sing.
"Is she the reason you didn"t want children with me?" she asked, barely able to keep her voice from shaking.
"Partly. I felt guilty." He shrugged. "I know that sounds crazy, but I couldn"t help thinking it was wrong to have another child I could keep when I"d had to give up Lindsey."
"Because she was the one who mattered," she whispered.
"Yes."
Penny did her best to keep breathing. "You knew I wanted children, Cal. Yet you never told me this. You never bothered to explain what was going on. Everything you did was for Lindsey. But what about our marriage? Didn"t that matter?"
"I"m sorry. I know it was wrong to keep everything a secret."
That wasn"t her point. And he hadn"t answered the question.
"I thought I could do it," he said earnestly. "I thought I could have more children. Then you got pregnant and at first it was great. But then I thought about us being a family and I couldn"t stop thinking about giving up Lindsey. I didn"t know how to reconcile what I"d done with the life we were planning. I never meant to hurt you."
"But you did. You changed the rules." She stood. "You were happy when I lost the baby, weren"t you?"
He rose. "No! Never. I wanted us to have children."
"No, you didn"t. When I wanted to try again, you told me you"d changed your mind. You said you didn"t want a family. But that"s not true, is it? You did want a family, but only if Lindsey could be your daughter. No other child was going to be good enough."
"Penny. Stop. It"s not about being good enough. It was about my guilt."
His words didn"t make any sense. Then her breath caught and she realized she was crying. She brushed away the tears. "I have to know everything. Just tell me it all now. I don"t want any more secrets."
"There aren"t any."
"Did you even love me? When I left, when I threatened to leave, I was trying to get your attention. I wanted you to wake up and notice that our marriage was dying. But you weren"t even shocked. You let me go without saying a word. I remember thinking you were relieved. Did you love me at all?"
She had to know. Maybe it was wrong. Maybe she would regret it later. But for now, the information was essential.
Cal shoved his hands into his pockets and hung his head. "I"m not sure I knew how I felt," he began.
"Oh, please. At least have the decency to tell me the truth."
He looked at her. "I didn"t love you the way I should have. You"re right. I was torn between what we had and what I wanted to have with Lindsey. That"s why I let you go."
Her body began to shake so hard she thought she might collapse. This wasn"t happening. All those years they"d been dating and then married, she"d loved him. Loved him completely, and with such hope for their future. She"d trusted him with her heart, her life, her very being.
"I"m sorry," he said. "I cared about you."
"I"ll be sure to hold on to that."
She grabbed her purse and started for the door. He reached for her arm. "Don"t run out like this."
She jerked free. "How should I run out? You"ve just told me that our marriage meant nothing. You weren"t willing to have children with me because you couldn"t get over giving up your first child. Tell me, Cal. Are Lindsey"s parents so horrible? Is she abused in any way?"
"What? No. They"re great."
"So there isn"t any reason for your guilt, except selfishness. You don"t care about what was best for your daughter, you never cared about me. You only cared about what you felt. I don"t know what kind of game you were playing, but I"m sorry it took me so long to leave. I can"t believe how much time I wasted."
Was still wasting. To think she"d made love with him, had wanted him. That she"d started to think maybe he was one of the good guys.
"You don"t understand," he told her.
"I think I do. You couldn"t forgive yourself for giving up your child, even though it was the best thing for her. You"d rather live in guilt than have a real life, which is your choice. Only you pulled me in with lies and promises you had no intention of keeping. It was a game. I gave you everything I had and you were just playing."
"You"re wrong," he said.
"No, I"m not. You"re a fool, Cal. You missed out on something great with me. I don"t know if you"re afraid to love or just plain stupid. All I can say is I was lucky to get away from you."
WALKER SAT alone in a corner of Reid"s bar and enjoyed the rowdy crowd. Since returning to Seattle, he"d found life too quiet. The military was a noisy place and after fifteen years, he"d grown used to the sounds of war.
He"d spent the day on the Internet, looking for cla.s.s lists of graduates in the Seattle area. So far he"d managed to place Ben at two different high schools for two years, which meant he had more work to do.
He took a drink of his beer. As he set the bottle back on the table, he saw a tall, curvy brunette stroll into the bar.
In heels, she cleared six feet. A soft-looking sweater clung to every curve. Black leather pants left little to the imagination on the lower half of her body. Walker could picture her naked, her head leaning back, her long hair swaying as she rode him home.
His body tightened at the image and once aroused, it wasn"t about to let go so easily.
He told himself not to think about her or s.e.x, although the two ideas were intertwined. Was that because of what he knew about her or was it the woman herself? Did it matter?
She glanced around the bar. He waited until her gaze settled on him, then he smiled. He didn"t do it often, but he knew how to curve his mouth in invitation. Someone more innocent might not understand, but he was willing to guess Naomi could more than hold her own.
She raised one dark eyebrow, then walked toward him.
She maintained eye contact, her gaze promising she would make it more than worth his while. Antic.i.p.ation filled him, making him harder and willing to consider clearing the table with a single sweep of his arm and taking her right there.
"Hey, soldier," she said. "Why are you all alone?"