Burlesques

THE ANNOUNCEMENT.

On the 1st of January, 1838, I was the master of a lovely shop in the neighborhood of Oxford Market; of a wife, Mrs. c.o.x; of a business, both in the shaving and cutting line, established three-and-thirty years; of a girl and boy respectively of the ages of eighteen and thirteen; of a three-windowed front, both to my first and second pair; of a young foreman, my present partner, Mr. Orlando Crump; and of that celebrated mixture for the human hair, invented by my late uncle, and called c.o.x"s Bohemian Balsam of Tokay, sold in pots at two-and-three and three-and-nine. The balsam, the lodgings, and the old-established cutting and shaving business brought me in a pretty genteel income. I had my girl, Jemimarann, at Hackney, to school; my dear boy, Tuggeridge, plaited her hair beautifully; my wife at the counter (behind the tray of patent soaps, &c.) cut as handsome a figure as possible; and it was my hope that Orlando and my girl, who were mighty soft upon one another, would one day be joined together in Hyming, and, conjointly with my son Tug, carry on the business of hairdressers when their father was either dead or a gentleman: for a gentleman me and Mrs. C. determined I should be.

Jemima was, you see, a lady herself, and of very high connections: though her own family had met with crosses, and was rather low. Mr.

Tuggeridge, her father, kept the famous tripe-shop near the "Pigtail and Sparrow," in the Whitechapel Road; from which place I married her; being myself very fond of the article, and especially when she served it to me--the dear thing!

Jemima"s father was not successful in business: and I married her, I am proud to confess it, without a shilling. I had my hands, my house, and my Bohemian balsam to support her!--and we had hopes from her uncle, a mighty rich East India merchant, who, having left this country sixty years ago as a cabin-boy, had arrived to be the head of a great house in India, and was worth millions, we were told.

Three years after Jemimarann"s birth (and two after the death of my lamented father-in-law), Tuggeridge (head of the great house of Budgurow and Co.) retired from the management of it; handed over his shares to his son, Mr. John Tuggeridge, and came to live in England, at Portland Place, and Tuggeridgeville, Surrey, and enjoy himself. Soon after, my wife took her daughter in her hand and went, as in duty bound, to visit her uncle: but whether it was that he was proud and surly, or she somewhat sharp in her way, (the dear girl fears n.o.body, let me have you to know,) a desperate quarrel took place between them; and from that day to the day of his death, he never set eyes on her. All that he would condescend to do, was to take a few dozen of lavender-water from us in the course of the year, and to send his servants to be cut and shaved by us. All the neighbors laughed at this poor ending of our expectations, for Jemmy had bragged not a little; however, we did not care, for the connection was always a good one, and we served Mr. Hock, the valet; Mr. Bar, the coachman; and Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, willingly enough. I used to powder the footman, too, on great days, but never in my life saw old Tuggeridge, except once: when he said "Oh, the barber!"

tossed up his nose, and pa.s.sed on.

One day--one famous day last January--all our Market was thrown into a high state of excitement by the appearance of no less than three vehicles at our establishment. As me, Jemmy, my daughter, Tug, and Orlando, were sitting in the back-parlor over our dinner (it being Christmas-time, Mr. Crump had treated the ladies to a bottle of port, and was longing that there should be a mistletoe-bough: at which proposal my little Jemimarann looked as red as a gla.s.s of negus):--we had just, I say, finished the port, when, all of a sudden, Tug bellows out, "La, Pa, here"s uncle Tuggeridge"s housekeeper in a cab!"

And Mrs. Breadbasket it was, sure enough--Mrs. Breadbasket in deep mourning, who made her way, bowing and looking very sad, into the back shop. My wife, who respected Mrs. B. more than anything else in the world, set her a chair, offered her a gla.s.s of wine, and vowed it was very kind of her to come. "La, mem," says Mrs. B., "I"m sure I"d do anything to serve your family, for the sake of that poor dear Tuck-Tuck-tug-guggeridge, that"s gone."

"That"s what?" cries my wife.

"What, gone?" cried Jemimarann, bursting out crying (as little girls will about anything or nothing); and Orlando looking very rueful, and ready to cry too.

"Yes, gaw--" Just as she was at this very "gaw" Tug roars out, "La, Pa!

here"s Mr. Bar, uncle Tug"s coachman!"

It was Mr. Bar. When she saw him, Mrs. Breadbasket stepped suddenly back into the parlor with my ladies. "What is it, Mr. Bar?" says I; and as quick as thought, I had the towel under his chin, Mr. Bar in the chair, and the whole of his face in a beautiful foam of lather. Mr. Bar made some resistance.--"Don"t think of it, Mr. c.o.x," says he; "don"t trouble yourself, sir." But I lathered away and never minded. "And what"s this melancholy event, sir," says I, "that has spread desolation in your family"s bosoms? I can feel for your loss, sir--I can feel for your loss."

I said so out of politeness, because I served the family, not because Tuggeridge was my uncle--no, as such I disown him.

Mr. Bar was just about to speak. "Yes, sir," says he, "my master"s gaw--" when at the "gaw" in walks Mr. Hock, the own man!--the finest gentleman I ever saw.

"What, YOU here, Mr. Bar!" says he.

"Yes, I am, sir; and haven"t I a right, sir?"

"A mighty wet day, sir," says I to Mr. Hock--stepping up and making my bow. "A sad circ.u.mstance too, sir! And is it a turn of the tongs that you want to-day, sir? Ho, there, Mr. Crump!"

"Turn, Mr. Crump, if you please, sir," said Mr. Hock, making a bow: "but from you, sir, never--no, never, split me!--and I wonder how some fellows can have the INSOLENCE to allow their MASTERS to shave them!"

With this, Mr. Hock flung himself down to be curled: Mr. Bar suddenly opened his mouth in order to reply; but seeing there was a tiff between the gentlemen, and wanting to prevent a quarrel, I rammed the Advertiser into Mr. Hock"s hands, and just popped my shaving-brush into Mr. Bar"s mouth--a capital way to stop angry answers.

Mr. Bar had hardly been in the chair one second, when whir comes a hackney-coach to the door, from which springs a gentleman in a black coat with a bag.

"What, you here!" says the gentleman. I could not help smiling, for it seemed that everybody was to begin by saying, "What, YOU here!" "Your name is c.o.x, sir?" says he; smiling too, as the very pattern of mine.

"My name, sir, is Sharpus,--Blunt, Hone and Sharpus, Middle Temple Lane,--and I am proud to salute you, sir; happy,--that is to say, sorry to say that Mr. Tuggeridge, of Portland Place, is dead, and your lady is heiress, in consequence, to one of the handsomest properties in the kingdom."

At this I started, and might have sunk to the ground, but for my hold of Mr. Bar"s nose; Orlando seemed putrified to stone, with his irons fixed to Mr. Hock"s head; our respective patients gave a wince out:--Mrs. C., Jemimarann, and Tug, rushed from the back shop, and we formed a splendid tableau such as the great Cruikshank might have depicted.

"And Mr. John Tuggeridge, sir?" says I.

"Why--hee, hee, hee!" says Mr. Sharpus. "Surely you know that he was only the--hee, hee, hee!--the natural son!"

You now can understand why the servants from Portland Place had been so eager to come to us. One of the house-maids heard Mr. Sharpus say there was no will, and that my wife was heir to the property, and not Mr. John Tuggeridge: this she told in the housekeeper"s room; and off, as soon as they heard it, the whole party set, in order to be the first to bear the news.

We kept them, every one in their old places; for, though my wife would have sent them about their business, my dear Jemimarann just hinted, "Mamma, you know THEY have been used to great houses, and we have not; had we not better keep them for a little?"--Keep them, then, we did, to show us how to be gentlefolks.

I handed over the business to Mr. Crump without a single farthing of premium, though Jemmy would have made me take four hundred pounds for it; but this I was above: Crump had served me faithfully, and have the shop he should.

FIRST ROUT.

We were speedily installed in our fine house: but what"s a house without friends? Jemmy made me CUT all my old acquaintances in the Market, and I was a solitary being; when, luckily, an old acquaintance of ours, Captain Tagrag, was so kind as to promise to introduce us into distinguished society. Tagrag was the son of a baronet, and had done us the honor of lodging with us for two years; when we lost sight of him, and of his little account, too, by the way. A fortnight after, hearing of our good fortune, he was among us again, however; and Jemmy was not a little glad to see him, knowing him to be a baronet"s son, and very fond of our Jemimarann. Indeed, Orlando (who is as brave as a lion) had on one occasion absolutely beaten Mr. Tagrag for being rude to the poor girl: a clear proof, as Tagrag said afterwards, that he was always fond of her.

Mr. Crump, poor fellow, was not very much pleased by our good fortune, though he did all he could to try at first; and I told him to come and take his dinner regular, as if nothing had happened. But to this Jemima very soon put a stop, for she came very justly to know her stature, and to look down on Crump, which she bid her daughter to do; and, after a great scene, in which Orlando showed himself very rude and angry, he was forbidden the house--for ever!

So much for poor Crump. The Captain was now all in all with us. "You see, sir," our Jemmy would say, "we shall have our town and country mansion, and a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the funds, to leave between our two children; and, with such prospects, they ought surely to have the first society of England." To this Tagrag agreed, and promised to bring us acquainted with the very pink of the fashion; ay, and what"s more, did.

First, he made my wife get an opera-box, and give suppers on Tuesdays and Sat.u.r.days. As for me, he made me ride in the Park: me and Jemimarann, with two grooms behind us, who used to laugh all the way, and whose very beards I had shaved. As for little Tug, he was sent straight off to the most fashionable school in the kingdom, the Reverend Doctor Pigney"s, at Richmond.

Well, the horses, the suppers, the opera-box, the paragraphs in the papers about Mr. c.o.xe c.o.xe (that"s the way: double your name and stick an "e" to the end of it, and you are a gentleman at once), had an effect in a wonderfully short s.p.a.ce of time, and we began to get a very pretty society about us. Some of old Tug"s friends swore they would do anything for the family, and brought their wives and daughters to see dear Mrs.

c.o.xe and her charming girl; and when, about the first week in February, we announced a grand dinner and ball for the evening of the twenty-eighth, I a.s.sure you there was no want of company: no, nor of t.i.tles neither; and it always does my heart good even to hear one mentioned.

Let me see. There was, first, my Lord Dunboozle, an Irish peer, and his seven sons, the Honorable Messieurs Trumper (two only to dinner): there was Count Mace, the celebrated French n.o.bleman, and his Excellency Baron von Punter from Baden; there was Lady Blanche Bluenose, the eminent literati, author of "The Distrusted" "The Distorted," "The Disgusted,"

"The Disreputable One," and other poems; there was the Dowager Lady Max and her daughter, the Honorable Miss Adelaide Blueruin; Sir Charles Codshead, from the City; and Field-Marshal Sir Gorman O"Gallagher, K.A., K.B., K.C., K.W., K.X., in the service of the Republic of Guatemala: my friend Tagrag and his fashionable acquaintance, little Tom Tufthunt, made up the party. And when the doors were flung open, and Mr. Hock, in black, with a white napkin, three footmen, coachman, and a lad whom Mrs.

C. had dressed in sugar-loaf b.u.t.tons and called a page, were seen round the dinner-table, all in white gloves, I promise you I felt a thrill of elation, and thought to myself--Sam c.o.x, Sam c.o.x, who ever would have expected to see you here?

After dinner, there was to be, as I said, an evening-party; and to this Messieurs Tagrag and Tufthunt had invited many of the princ.i.p.al n.o.bility that our metropolis had produced. When I mention, among the company to tea, her Grace the d.u.c.h.ess of Zero, her son the Marquis of Fitzurse, and the Ladies North Pole her daughters; when I say that there were yet OTHERS, whose names may be found in the Blue Book, but shan"t, out of modesty, be mentioned here, I think I"ve said enough to show that, in our time, No. 96, Portland Place, was the resort of the best of company.

It was our first dinner, and dressed by our new cook, Munseer Cordongblew. I bore it very well; eating, for my share, a filly dysol allamater dotell, a cutlet soubeast, a pully bashymall, and other French dishes: and, for the frisky sweet wine, with tin tops to the bottles, called Champang, I must say that me and Mrs. c.o.xe-Tuggeridge c.o.xe drank a very good share of it (but the Claret and Jonnysberger, being sour, we did not much relish). However, the feed, as I say, went off very well: Lady Blanche Bluenose sitting next to me, and being so good as to put me down for six copies of all her poems; the Count and Baron von Punter engaging Jemimarann for several waltzes, and the Field-Marshal plying my dear Jemmy with Champagne, until, bless her! her dear nose became as red as her new crimson satin gown, which, with a blue turban and bird-of-paradise feathers, made her look like an empress, I warrant.

Well, dinner past, Mrs. C. and the ladies went off:--thunder-under-under came the knocks at the door; squeedle-eedle-eedle, Mr. Wippert"s fiddlers began to strike up; and, about half-past eleven, me and the gents thought it high time to make our appearance. I felt a LITTLE squeamish at the thought of meeting a couple of hundred great people; but Count Mace and Sir Gorman O"Gallagher taking each an arm, we reached, at last, the drawing-room.

The young ones in company were dancing, and the d.u.c.h.ess and the great ladies were all seated, talking to themselves very stately, and working away at the ices and macaroons. I looked out for my pretty Jemimarann amongst the dancers, and saw her tearing round the room along with Baron Punter, in what they call a gallypard; then I peeped into the circle of the d.u.c.h.esses, where, in course, I expected to find Mrs. C.; but she wasn"t there! She was seated at the further end of the room, looking very sulky; and I went up and took her arm, and brought her down to the place where the d.u.c.h.esses were. "Oh, not there!" said Jemmy, trying to break away. "Nonsense, my dear," says I: "you are missis, and this is your place." Then going up to her ladyship the d.u.c.h.ess, says I, "Me and my missis are most proud of the honor of seeing of you."

The d.u.c.h.ess (a tall red-haired grenadier of a woman) did not speak.

I went on: "The young ones are all at it, ma"am, you see; and so we thought we would come and sit down among the old ones. You and I, ma"am, I think, are too stiff to dance."

"Sir!" says her Grace.

"Ma"am," says I, "don"t you know me? My name"s c.o.x. n.o.body"s introduced me; but, dash it, it"s my own house, and I may present myself--so give us your hand, ma"am."

And I shook hers in the kindest way in the world; but--would you believe it?--the old cat screamed as if my hand had been a hot "tater.

"Fitzurse! Fitzurse!" shouted she, "help! help!" Up scuffled all the other Dowagers--in rushed the dancers. "Mamma! mamma!" squeaked Lady Julia North Pole. "Lead me to my mother," howled Lady Aurorer: and both came up and flung themselves into her arms. "Wawt"s the raw?" said Lord Fitzurse, sauntering up quite stately.

"Protect me from the insults of this man," says her Grace. "Where"s Tufthunt? he promised that not a soul in this house should speak to me."

"My dear d.u.c.h.ess," said Tufthunt, very meek.

"Don"t d.u.c.h.ess ME, sir. Did you not promise they should not speak; and hasn"t that horrid tipsy wretch offered to embrace me? Didn"t his monstrous wife sicken me with her odious familiarities? Call my people, Tufthunt! Follow me, my children!"