"Because ever since the docs have reduced my drugs to the point I could string one sentence after another, I"ve been having these memories-dreams-I don"t know what the f.u.c.k to call them. Nightmares. And I can"t decide if I"m losing it, or if this is why Lee needs a palmful of M &Ms to leave his bed. So I need you to talk to me straight, no bulls.h.i.t, no telling the officer what you think he wants to hear. I would genuinely f.u.c.king appreciate it if we could do that."
Davis looked away when he saw the lieutenant"s eyes shimmering. Keeping his own focused on the ceiling, he said, "It came out of the sky. That"s where it went, after Han stuck it, so I figure it must have dropped out of there, too. It explains why, one minute we"re across the courtyard from a bunch of hostiles, the next, that thing"s standing between us."
"Did you see it take off?"
"I did. After it had stepped on Han"s head, it spread its arms-it kind of staggered back from Han, caught itself, then opened its arms and these huge wings snapped open. They were like a bat"s, skin stretched over bone-they appeared so fast I"m not sure, but they shot out of its body. It tilted its head, jumped up, high, ten feet easy, flapped the wings, which raised it another ten feet, and turned-the way a swimmer turns in the water, you know? Another flap, two, and it was gone."
"Huh."
Davis glanced at the lieutenant, whose face was smooth, his eyes gazing across some interior distance. He said, "Do you-"
"Back up," the lieutenant said. "The ten of us are in the courtyard. How big"s the place?"
"I"m not very good with-"
"At a guess."
"Twenty-five feet wide, maybe fifty long. With all of those jars in the way-what were they?"
"Planters."
"Three-foot-tall stone planters?"
"For trees. They were full of dirt. Haven"t you ever seen those little decorative trees inside office buildings?"
"Oh. All right. What I was going to say was, with the row of planters at either end, the place might have been larger."
"Noted. How tall were the walls?"
"Taller than any of us-eight feet, easy. They were thick, too, a foot and a half, two feet." Davis said, "It really was a good spot to attack from. Open fire from the walls, then drop behind them when they can"t maintain that position. The tall buildings are behind it, and we don"t hold any of them, so they don"t have to worry about anyone firing down on them. I"m guessing they figured we didn"t know where we were well enough to call in any artillery on them. No, if we want them, we have to run a hundred feet of open s.p.a.ce to a doorway that"s an easy trap. They"ve got the planters for cover near and far, not to mention the doorway in the opposite wall as an exit."
"Agreed."
"To be honest, now that we"re talking about it, I can"t imagine how we made it into the place without losing anyone. By all rights, they should have tagged a couple of us crossing from our position to theirs. And that doorway: they should have ma.s.sacred us."
"We were lucky. When we returned fire, they must have panicked. Could be they didn"t see all of us behind the wall, thought they were ambushing three or four targets, instead of ten. Charging them may have given the impression there were even more of us. It took them until they were across the courtyard to get a grip and regroup."
"By which time we were at the doorway."
"So it was Lee all the way on the left-"
"With Han beside him."
"Right, and Bay and Remsnyder. Then you and Pet.i.t-"
"No-it was me and Lugo, then Pet.i.t, then you."
"Yes, yes. Manfred was to my right, and Weymouth was all the way on the other end."
"I"m not sure how many-"
"Six. There may have been a seventh in the opposite doorway, but he wasn"t around very long. Either he went down, or he decided to season his valor with a little discretion."
"It was loud-everybody firing in a confined s.p.a.ce. I had powder all over me from their shots. .h.i.tting the wall behind us. I want to say we traded bullets for about five minutes, but it was what? Half that?"
"Less. A minute."
"And..."
"Our guest arrived."
"At first-at first it was like, I couldn"t figure out what I was seeing. I"m trying to line up the guy who"s directly across from me-all I need is for him to stick up his head again-and all of a sudden, there"s a shadow in the way. That was my first thought: It"s a shadow. Only, who"s casting it? And why is it hanging in the air like that? And why is it f.u.c.king eight feet tall?"
"None of us understood what was in front of us. I thought it was a woman in a burka, someone I"d missed when we"d entered the courtyard. As you say, though, you don"t meet a lot of eight-foot-tall women, in or out of Iraq."
"Next thing...no, that isn"t what happened."
"What?"
"I was going to say the thing-the Shadow-was in among the hostiles, which is true, it went for them first, but before it did, there was a moment..."
"You saw something-something else."
"Yeah," Davis said. "This pain shot straight through my head. We"re talking instant migraine, so intense I practically puked. That wasn"t all: this chill...I was freezing, colder than I"ve ever been, like you read about in polar expeditions. I couldn"t-the courtyard-"
"What?"
"The courtyard wasn"t-I was somewhere high, like, a hundred miles high, so far up I could see the curve of the Earth below me. Clouds, continents, the ocean: what you see in the pictures they take from orbit. Stars, s.p.a.ce, all around me. Directly, overhead, a little farther away than you are from me, there was this thing. I don"t know what the f.u.c.k it was. Big-long, maybe long as a house. It bulged in the middle, tapered at the ends. The surface was dark, shiny-does that make any sense? The thing was covered in-it looked like some kind of lacquer. Maybe it was made out of the lacquer.
"Anyway, one moment, my head"s about to crack open, my teeth are chattering and my skin"s blue, and I"m in outer s.p.a.ce. The next, all of that"s gone, I"m back in the courtyard, and the Shadow-the thing is ripping the hostiles to shreds."
"And then," the lieutenant said, "it was our turn."
V.
November 11, 2004, 11:13am In the six hundred twenty-five days since that afternoon in the hospital, how many times had Davis recited the order of events in the courtyard, whether with the lieutenant, or with Lee once his meds had been stabilized, or with Han once he"d regained the ability to speak (though not especially well)? At some point a couple of months on, he"d realized he"d been keeping count- That"s the thirty-eighth time; that"s the forty-third-and then, a couple of months after that, he"d realized that he"d lost track. The narrative of their encounter with what Davis continued to think of as the Shadow had become daily catechism, to be reviewed morning, noon, and night, and whenever else he happened to think of it.
None of them had even tried to run, which there were times Davis judged a sign of courage, and times he deemed an index of their collective shock at the speed and ferocity of the thing"s a.s.sault on the insurgents. Heads, arms, legs were separated from bodies as if by a pair of razor blades, and wherever a wound opened red, there was the thing"s splintered maw, drinking the blood like a kid stooping to a water fountain. The smells of blood, p.i.s.s, and s.h.i.t mixed with those of gunpowder and hot metal. While Davis knew they had been the next course on the Shadow"s menu, he found it difficult not to wonder how the situation might have played out had Lee-followed immediately by Lugo and Weymouth -not opened up on the thing. Of course, the instant that narrow head with its spotlight eyes, its scarlet mouth, turned in their direction, everyone else"s guns erupted, and the scene concluded the way it had to. But if Lee had been able to restrain himself...
Lugo was first to die. In a single leap, the Shadow closed the distance between them and drove one of its sharpened hands into his throat, venting his carotid over Davis, whom it caught with its other hand and flung into one of the side walls with such force his spine and ribs lit up like the Fourth of July. As he was dropping onto his back, turtling on his pack, the thing was raising its head from Lugo "s neck, spearing Pet.i.t through his armor and hauling him towards it. Remsnyder ran at it from behind; the thing"s hand lashed out and struck his head from his shoulders. It was done with Pet.i.t in time to catch Remsnyder"s body on the fall and jam its mouth onto the bubbling neck. It had shoved Pet.i.t"s body against the lieutenant, whose feet tangled with Pet.i.t"s and sent the pair of them down. This put him out of the way of Manfred and Weymouth, who screamed for everyone to get clear and fired full automatic. Impossible as it seemed, they missed, and for their troubles, the Shadow lopped Manfred"s right arm off at the elbow and opened Weymouth like a Christmas present. From the ground, the lieutenant shot at it; the thing sliced through his weapon and the leg underneath it. Now Bay, Han, and Lee tried full auto, which brought the thing to Bay, whose face it bit off. It swatted Han to the ground, but Lee somehow ducked the swipe it aimed at him and tagged it at close range. The Shadow threw Bay"s body across the courtyard, yanked Lee"s rifle from his hands, and swung it against his head like a ballplayer aiming for the stands. He crumpled, the thing reaching out for him, and Han leapt up, his bayonet ridiculously small in his hand. He drove it into the thing"s side-what would be the floating ribs on a man-to the hilt. The Shadow, whose only sound thus far had been its feeding, opened its jaws and shrieked, a high scream more like the cry of a bat, or a hawk, than anything human. It caught Han with an elbow to the temple that tumbled him to the dirt, set its foot on his head, and pressed down. Han"s scream competed with the sound of his skull cracking in multiple spots. Davis was certain the thing meant to grind Han"s head to paste, but it staggered off him, one claw reaching for the weapon buried in its skin. Blood so dark it was purple was oozing around the hilt. The Shadow spread its arms, its wings cracked open, and it was gone, fled into the blue sky that Davis would spend the next quarter-hour staring at, as the lieutenant called for help and tried to tourniquet first his leg then Manfred"s arm.
Davis had stared at the sky before-who has not?-but, helpless on his back, his spine a length of molten steel, his ears full of Manfred whimpering that he was gonna die, oh sweet Jesus, he was gonna f.u.c.king die, the lieutenant talking over him, insisting no he wasn"t, he was gonna be fine, it was just a little paper cut, the washed blue bowl overhead seemed less sheltering canopy and more endless depth, a gullet over which he had the sickening sensation of dangling. As Manfred"s cries diminished and the lieutenant told-ordered him to stay with him, Davis flailed his arms at the ground to either side of him in an effort to grip onto an anchor, something that would keep him from hurtling into that blue abyss.
The weeks and months to come would bring the inevitable nightmares, the majority of them the Shadow"s attack replayed at half-, full-, or double-speed, with a gruesome fate for himself edited in. Sometimes repeating the events on his own or with a combination of the others led to a less-disturbed sleep; sometimes it did not. There was one dream, though, that no amount of discussion could help, and that was the one in which Davis was plummeting through the sky, lost in an appet.i.te that would never be sated.
VI.
12:26am Once he was done setting the next log on the fire, Davis leaned back and said, "I figure it"s some kind of stun effect."
"How so?" Lee said.
"The thing lands in between two groups of heavily armed men: it has to do something to even the odds. It hits us with a psychic blast, shorts out our brains so that we"re easier prey."
"Didn"t seem to do much to Lee," the lieutenant said.
"No brain!" Han shouted.
"Ha-f.u.c.king-ha," Lee said.
"Maybe there were too many of us," Davis said. "Maybe it miscalculated. Maybe Lee"s a mutant and this is his special gift. Had the thing zigged instead of zagged, gone for us instead of the insurgents, I don"t think any of us would be sitting here, regardless of our super powers."
"Speak for yourself," Lee said.
"For a theory," the lieutenant said, "it"s not bad. But there"s a sizable hole in it. You," he pointed at Davis, "saw the thing"s coffin or whatever. Lee," a nod to him, "was privy to a bat"s-eye view of the thing"s approach to one of its hunts in-did we ever decide if it was Laos or Cambodia?"
"No sir," Lee said. "It looked an awful lot like some of the scenery from the first Tomb Raider movie, which I"m pretty sure was filmed in Cambodia, but I"m not positive."
"You didn"t see Angelina Jolie running around?" Davis said.
"If only," Lee said.
"So with Lee, we"re in Southeast Asia," the lieutenant said, "with or without the lovely Ms. Jolie. From what Han"s been able to tell me, he was standing on the moon or someplace very similar to it. I don"t believe he could see the Earth from where he was, but I"m not enough of an astronomer to know what that means.
"As for myself, I had a confused glimpse of the thing tearing its way through the interior of an airplane-what I"m reasonably certain was a B-17, probably during the Second World War.
"You see what I mean? None of us witnessed the same scene-none of us witnessed the same time, which you would imagine we would have if we"d been subject to a deliberate attack. You would expect the thing to hit us all with the same image. It"s more efficient."
"Maybe that isn"t how this works," Davis said. "Suppose what it does is more like a cl.u.s.ter bomb, a host of memories it packs around a psychic charge? If each of us thinks he"s someplace different from everybody else, doesn"t that maximize confusion, create optimal conditions for an attack?"
The lieutenant frowned. Lee said, "What"s your theory, sir?"
"I don"t have one," the lieutenant said. "Regardless of its intent, the thing got in our heads."
"And stayed there," Lee said.
"Stuck," Han said, tapping his right temple.
"Yes," the lieutenant said. "Whatever their precise function, our exposure to the thing"s memories appears to have established a link between us and it."
Davis said, "Which is what"s going to bring it right here."
VII.
2004-2005.
When Davis was on board the plane to Germany, he could permit himself to hope that he was, however temporarily, out of immediate danger of death-not from the injury to his back, which, though painful in the extreme, he had known from the start would not claim his life, but from the reappearance of the Shadow. Until their backup arrived in a hurry of bootsteps and rattle of armor, he had been waiting for the sky to vomit the figure it had swallowed minutes (moments?) prior, for his blood to leap into the thing"s jagged mouth. The mature course of action had seemed to prepare for his imminent end, which he had attempted, only to find the effort beyond him. Whenever word of some acquaintance"s failure to return from the latest patrol had prompted Davis to picture his final seconds, he had envisioned his face growing calm, even peaceful, his lips shaping the syllables of a heartfelt Act of Contrition. However, between the channel of fire that had replaced his spine and the vertiginous sensation that he might plunge into the sky-not to mention, the lieutenant"s continuing monologue to Manfred, the pungence of gunpowder mixed with the b.l.o.o.d.y reek of meat, the low moans coming from Han- Davis was unable to concentrate. Rather than any gesture of reconciliation towards the G.o.d with Whom he had not been concerned since his discovery of what lay beneath his prom date"s panties junior year, Davis"s attention had been snarled in the sound of the Shadow"s claws puncturing Lugo"s neck, the fountain of Weymouth"s blood over its arm and chest, the wet slap of his entrails. .h.i.tting the ground, the stretch of the thing"s mouth as it released its scream. Despite his back, which had drawn his vocal chords taut, once the reinforcements had arrived and a red-faced medic peppered him with questions while performing a quick a.s.sessment of him, Davis had strained to warn them of their danger. But all his insistence that they had to watch the sky had brought him was a sedative that pulled him into a vague, gray place.
Nor had his time at the Battalion Aid Station, then some larger facility (Camp Victory? with whatever they gave him, most of the details a variety of medical staff poured into his ears sluiced right back out again) caused him to feel any more secure. As the gray place loosened its hold on him and he stared up at the canvas roof of the BAS, Davis had wanted to demand what the f.u.c.k everyone was thinking. Didn"t they know the Shadow could slice through this material like it was cling film? Didn"t they understand it was waiting to descend on them right now, this very f.u.c.king minute? It would rip them to shreds; it would drink their f.u.c.king blood. At the presence of a corpsman beside him, he"d realized he was shouting-or as close to shouting as his voice could manage-but he"d been unable to restrain himself, which had led to calming ba.n.a.lities and more vague grayness. He had returned to something like consciousness inside a larger s.p.a.ce in the CSH, where the sight of the nearest wall trembling from the wind had drawn his stomach tight and sped a fresh round of protests from his mouth. When he struggled up out of the shot that outburst occasioned, Davis had found himself in a dim cavern whose curving sides rang with the din of enormous engines. His momentary impression that he was dead and this some unexpected, bare-bones afterlife was replaced by the recognition that he was on a transport out of Iraq -who knew to where? It didn"t matter. A flood of tears had rolled from his eyes as the dread coiling his guts had, if not fled, at least calmed.
At Landstuhl, in a solidly built hospital with drab but st.u.r.dy walls and a firm ceiling, Davis was calmer. (As long as he did not dwell on the way the Shadow"s claws had split Pet.i.t"s armor, sliced the lieutenant"s rifle in two.) That, and the surgeries required to relieve the pressure on his spine left him, to quote a song he"d never liked that much, comfortably numb.
Not until he was back in America, though, reclining in the late-medieval luxury of Walter Reed, the width of an ocean and a continent separating him from Fallujah, did Davis feel anything like a sense of security. Even after his first round of conversations with the lieutenant had offered him the dubious rea.s.surance that, if he were delusional, he was in good company, a cold comfort made chillier still by Lee, his meds approaching the proper levels, corroborating their narrative, Davis found it less difficult than he would have antic.i.p.ated to persuade himself that Remsnyder"s head leaping from his body on a jet of blood was seven thousand miles away. And while his pulse still quickened whenever his vision strayed to the rectangle of sky framed by the room"s lone window, he could almost pretend that this was a different sky. After all, hadn"t that been the subtext of all the stories he"d heard from other vets about earlier wars? Weird s.h.i.t happened, yes-sometimes, very bad weird s.h.i.t happened-but it took place over there, In Country, in another place where things didn"t work the same way they did in the good old U.S. of A. If you could keep that in mind, Davis judged, front-and-center in your consciousness, you might be able to live with the impossible.
Everything went-you couldn"t call it swimmingly-it went, anyway, until Davis began his rehabilitation, which consisted of: a) learning how to walk again and b) strength training for his newly (re)educated legs. Of course, he had been in pain after the initial injury-though shock and fear had kept the hurt from overwhelming him-and his nerves had flared throughout his hospital stay-especially following his surgery-though a pharmacopeia had damped those sensations down to smoldering. Rehab was different. Rehab was a long, low-ceilinged room that smelled of sweat and industrial antiseptic, one end of which grazed a small herd of the kind of exercise machines you saw faded celebrities hawking on late-night TV, the center of which held a trio of parallel bars set too low, and the near end of which was home to a series of overlapping blue mats whose extensive cracks suggested an aerial view of a river basin. Rehab was slow stretches on the mats, then gripping onto the parallel bars while you tried to coax your right leg into moving forward; once you could lurch along the bars and back, rehab was time on one of the exercise machines, flat on your back, your legs bent, your feet pressed against a pair of pedals connected to a series of weights you raised by extending your legs. Rehab was about confronting pain, inviting it in, asking it to sit down and have a beer so the two of you could talk for a while. Rehab was not leaning on the heavy-duty opiates and their synthetic friends; it was remaining content with the over-the-counter options and ice-packs. It was the promise of a walk outside-an enticement that made Davis "s palms sweat and his mouth go dry.
When the surgeon had told Davis the operation had been a success, there appeared to be no permanent damage to his spinal cord, Davis had imagined himself, freed of his cast and its coterie of pulleys and counterweights, sitting up on his own and strolling out the front door. Actually, he"d been running in his fantasy. The reality, he quickly discovered, was that merely raising himself to a sitting position was an enterprise far more involved than he ever had appreciated, as was a range of action so automatic it existed below his being able to admit he"d never given it much thought. He supposed the therapists here were as good as you were going to find, but that didn"t make the routines they subjected him to-he subjected himself to-any easier or less painful.
It was during one of these sessions, his back feeling as if it had been sc.r.a.ped raw and the exposed tissue generously salted, that Davis had his first inkling that Fallujah was not a self-contained narrative, a short, grisly tale; rather, it was the opening chapter of a novel, one of those eight-hundred-page, Stephen King specials. Lucy, Davis "s primary therapist, had him on what he had christened the Rack. His target was twenty leg presses; in a fit of bravado, he had promised her thirty. No doubt, Davis had known instances of greater pain, but those had been spikes on the graph. Though set at a lower level, this hurt was constant, and while Lucy had a.s.sured him that he would become used to it, so far, he hadn"t. The pain glared like the sun flaring off a window; it flooded his mind white, made focusing on anything else impossible. That Lucy was encouraging him, he knew from the tone of her voice, but he could not distinguish individual words. Already, his vision was blurred from the sweat streaming out of him, so when the blur fractured, became a kaleidoscope-jumble of color and geometry, he thought little of it, and raised his fingers to clear his eyes.
According to Lucy, Davis removed his hand from his face, paused, then fell off the machine on his right side, trembling and jerking. For what she called his seizure"s duration, which she clocked at three minutes, fifteen seconds, Davis uttered no sound except for a gulping noise that made his therapist fear he was about to swallow his tongue.
To the lieutenant, then to Lee and eventually Han, Davis would compare what he saw when the rehab room went far away to a wide-screen movie, one of those panoramic deals that was supposed to impart the sensation of flying over the Rockies, or holding on for dear life as a roller coaster whipped up and down its course. A surplus of detail crowded his vision. He was in the middle of a sandy street bordered by short buildings whose walls appeared to consist of sheets of long, dried gra.s.s framed with slender sticks. A dozen, two dozen women and children dressed in pastel robes and turbans ran frantically from one side of the street to the other as men wearing dark brown shirts and pants aimed Kalashnikovs at them. Some of the men were riding brown and white horses; some were stalking the street; some were emerging from alleys between the buildings, several of whose walls were releasing thick smoke. Davis estimated ten men. The sounds-it was as if the soundtrack to this film had been set to record the slightest vibration of air, which it played back at twice the normal level. Screams raked his eardrums. Sandals sc.r.a.ped the ground. Guns cracked; bullets thudded into skin. Horses whickered. Fire snapped. An immense thirst, worse than any he had known, possessed him. His throat was not dry; it was arid, as if it-as if he were composed of dust from which the last eyedropper of moisture had long been squeezed.
One of the men-not the nearest, who was walking the opposite direction from Davis"s position, but the next closest, whose horse had shied from the flames sprouting from a gra.s.s wall and so turned its rider in Davis"s direction-caught sight of Davis, his face contracting in confusion at what he saw. The man, who might have been in his early twenties, started to raise his rifle, and everything sped up, the movie fast-forwarded. There was-his vision wavered, and the man"s gun dipped, his eyes widening. Davis was next to him-he had half-scaled the horse and speared the hollow of the man"s throat with his right hand, whose fingers, he saw, were twice as long as they had been, tapered to a set of blades. He felt the man"s tissue part, the ends of his fingers (talons?) sc.r.a.pe bone. Blood washed over his palm, his wrist, and the sensation jolted him. His talons flicked to the left, and the man"s head tipped back like a tree falling away from its base. Blood misted the air, and before he realized what was happening, his mouth was clamped to the wound, full of hot, copper liquid. The taste was rain falling in the desert; in three mighty gulps, he had emptied the corpse and was springing over its fellows, into the midst of the brightly robed women and children.
The immediate result of Davis "s three-minute hallucination was the suspension of his physical therapy and an MRI of his brain. Asked by Lucy what he recalled of the experience, Davis had shaken his head and answered, "Nothing." It was the same response he gave to the new doctor who stopped into his room a week later and, without identifying himself as a psychiatrist, told Davis he was interested in the nightmares that had brought him screaming out of sleep six of the last seven nights. This was a rather substantial change in his nightly routine; taken together with his recent seizure, it seemed like cause for concern. Perhaps Davis could relate what he remembered of his nightmares?
How to tell this doctor that closing his eyes-an act he resisted for as long as he could each night-brought him to that yellow-brown street; the lime, saffron, and orange cloth stretching as mothers hauled their children behind them; the dull muzzles of the Kalashnikovs coughing fire? How to describe the sensations that still lived in his skin, his muscles: the tearing of skin for his too-long fingers; the bounce of a heart in his hand the instant before he tore it from its setting; the eggsh.e.l.l crunch of bone between his jaws? Most of all, how to convey to this doctor, this shrink, who was either an unskilled actor or not trying very hard, the concentrate of pleasure that was the rush of blood into his mouth, down his throat, the satisfaction of his terrific thirst so momentary it made the thirst that much worse? Although Davis had repeated his earlier disavowal and maintained it in the face of the doctor"s extended-and, to be fair, sympathetic-questions until the man left, a week"s worth of poor sleep made the wisdom of his decision appear less a foregone conclusion. What he had seen-what he had been part of the other week was too similar to the vision he"d had in the courtyard not to be related; the question was, how? Were Davis to summarize his personal horror ride to the psychiatrist-he would have to tell him about Fallujah first, of course-might the doctor have more success at understanding the connections between his driver"s-seat views of the Shadow"s activities?
Sure, Davis thought, right after he"s had you fitted for your straightjacket. The ironic thing was, how often had he argued the benefits of the Army"s psychiatric care with Lugo? It had been their running gag. Lugo would return from reading his e-mail with news of some guy stateside who"d lost it, shot his wife, himself, which would prompt Davis to say that it was a shame the guy hadn"t gotten help before it came to that. Help, Lugo would say, from who? The Army? Man, you must be joking. The Army don"t want nothing to do with no grunt can"t keep his s.h.i.t together. No, no, Davis would say, sure, they still had a ways to go, but the Army was changing. The kinds of combat-induced pathologies it used to pretend didn"t exist were much more likely to be treated early and effectively. (If Lee and Han were present, and/or Remsnyder, they"d ooh and aah over Davis "s vocabulary.) Oh yeah, Lugo would reply, if they don"t discharge your a.s.s right outta here, they"ll stick you at some bulls.h.i.t post where you won"t hurt anyone. No, no, Davis would say, that was a rumor. Oh yeah, Lugo would say, like the rumor about the guys who went to the doctor for help with their PTSD and were told they were suffering from a f.u.c.king pre-existing condition, so it wasn"t the Army"s problem? No, no, Davis would say, that was a few bad guys. Oh yeah, Lugo would say.
Before he and the lieutenant-who had been abducted by a platoon of siblings, their spouses, and their kids for ten days in Florida-discussed the matter, Davis pa.s.sed his nightly struggles to stay awake wondering if the psychiatric ward was the worst place he might wind up. His only images of such places came from films like One Flew Over the Cuckoo"s Nest, Awakenings, and K-PAX, but based on those examples, he could expect to spend his days robed and slippered, possibly medicated, free to read what he wanted except during individual and group therapy sessions. If it wasn"t quite the career as a psychologist he"d envisioned, he"d at least be in some kind of proximity to the mental health field. Sure, it would be a scam, but didn"t the taxpayers of the U.S. of A. owe him recompense for shipping him to a place where the Shadow could just drop in and shred his life? The windows would be barred or meshed, the doors reinforced-you could almost fool yourself such a location would be safe.
However, with his second episode, it became clear that safe was one of those words that had been bayoneted, its meaning spilled on the floor. Davis had been approved to resume therapy with Lucy, who had been honestly happy to see him again. It was late in the day; what with the complete breakdown in his sleeping patterns, he wasn"t in optimal condition for another go-around on the Rack, but after so much time stuck in his head, terrified at what was in there with him, the prospect of a vigorous workout was something he was actually looking forward to. As before, gentle stretching preceded the main event, which Lucy told Davis he didn"t have to do but for which he had cavalierly a.s.sured her he was, if not completely able, at least ready and willing. With the second push of his feet against the pedals, pain ignited up his back, and his lack of sleep did not aid in his tolerating it. Each subsequent retraction and extension of his legs ratcheted the hurt up one more degree, until he was lying on a bed of fire.
This time VIII.
2:15am "my vision didn"t blur-it cracked, as if my knees levering up and down were an image on a TV screen and something smacked the gla.s.s. Everything spiderwebbed and fell away. What replaced it was movement-I was moving up, my arms beating down; there was this feeling that they were bigger, much bigger, that when I swept them down, they were gathering the air and piling it beneath them. I looked below me, and there were bodies-parts of bodies, organs-all over the place. There was less blood than there should have been. Seeing them scattered across the ground-it was like having a bird"s-eye view of some kind of bizarre design. Most of them were men, twenties and thirties; although there were two women and a couple, three kids. Almost everybody was wearing jeans and workboots, sweatshirts, baseball caps, except for a pair of guys dressed in khaki and I"m pretty sure cowboy hats."
"What the f.u.c.k?" Lee said.
"Cowboys," Han said.
"Texas Border Patrol," the lieutenant said.
"So those other people were like, illegal immigrants?" Lee said.
The lieutenant nodded.
Davis said, "I"ve never been to Texas, but the spot looked like what you see on TV. Sandy, full of rocks, some scrub brush and short trees. There was a muddy stream-you might call it a river, I guess, if that was what you were used to-in the near distance, and a group of hills further off. The sun was perched on top of the hills, setting, and that red ball made me beat my arms again and again, shrinking the scene below, raising me higher into the sky. There was-I felt full-more than full, gorged, but thirsty, still thirsty, that same, overpowering dryness I"d experienced the previous...time. The thirst was so strong, so compelling, I was a little surprised when I kept climbing. My flight was connected to the sun balanced on that hill, a kind of-not panic, exactly: it was more like urgency. I was moving, now. The air was thinning; my arms stretched even larger to scoop enough of it to keep me moving. The temperature had dropped-was dropping, plunging down. Something happened-my mouth was already closed, but it was as if it sealed somehow. Same thing with my nostrils; I mean, they closed themselves off. My eyes misted, then cleared. I pumped my arms harder than I had before. This time, I didn"t lose speed; I kept moving forward.
"Ahead, I saw the thing I"d seen in the courtyard-a huge shape, big as a house. Pointed at the ends, fat in the middle. Dark-maybe dark purple, maybe not-and shiny. The moment it came into view, this surge of...I don"t know what to call it. Honestly, I want to say it was a cross between the way you feel when you put your bag down on your old bed and, "Mommy," that little kid feeling, except that neither of those is completely right. My arms were condensing, growing substantial. I was heading towards the middle. As I drew closer, its surface rippled, like water moving out from where a stone strikes it. At the center of the ripple, a kind of pucker opened into the thing. That was my destination."
"And?" Lee said.
"Lucy emptied her Gatorade on me and brought me out of it."
"You have got to be f.u.c.king kidding me," Lee said.