Her mouth parted, and the redness in her cheeks deepened as her glance flickered from Haven to me. My chest tightened at the idea that the touch of my fingers could illicit such a reaction. I hadn"t lost her, not yet. Her gla.s.s ended up fuller than it should have been, and I moved away. I turned from the fridge to find her watching me. She looked away sharply, nodding at whatever Haven was saying. I watched the floor on the way back to my seat in an effort to cover the grin spread across my face.
"I"m going to have to go." I looked at my watch. "I have an early morning run booked in tomorrow." It was almost ten and although that wasn"t late, every moment I spent out of bed from here on out made it less and less likely that I"d keep to my training plan.
"Yeah, me too. Well, not the running thing, G.o.d forbid."
Ashleigh grinned at me. Over the course of the evening, we had somehow found a way to be around each other without it feeling anything but normal. I"d caught her looking at me a couple of times when she thought I wouldn"t notice. I"d seen it because I was trying to steal my own private glances. She always averted her eyes quickly.
"Walk me to the tube?" she asked. It was our usual routine, but this time the question felt loaded. My pulse began to hammer in my neck. Time alone with her. I was desperate for it, but terrified she"d say something I didn"t want to hear. The air was thick with what we weren"t saying, and we avoided each other"s gaze as Haven ushered us both out, barely allowing us to say our goodbyes.
"I"ll call you about training," I called to Jake as Haven shut the door, leaving Ashleigh and I alone.
I stared at my shoes, my hands shoved in my pockets, as we waited for the elevator. I could barely stop from reaching for her.
"You seem good. About Emma and moving and . . ."
I watched her as she kept her eyes fixed on the chrome doors, as if she was trying to stay in control.
"I am good. About Emma and moving." I tried to be as specific as I could. I wasn"t okay being without her, but I held myself back from telling her that. I didn"t want to push.
The elevator door pinged open, and I reached inside, holding the doors for Ashleigh.
"Emma and I should have split a long time ago. It"s not as difficult as maybe it should be. And it feels good to be moving on, trying new things." It was true. I liked being in the new place. I found living on my own wasn"t so much of a shock as I"d thought. "The triathlon"s a good focus."
"It sounds like it. I"m pleased you"re . . . good," she replied and gave me a small smile.
I wouldn"t be good until she was mine.
Ashleigh I"d wanted to have him to myself all evening and now here we were, alone, and I had to work to contain my jealousy of Fiona, to not touch him, to keep from wanting him.
Even through my thick winter coat, I felt his hand at the small of my back as we exited the lift. I closed my eyes, trying to get a handle on myself.
"And your new flat? Being there, right in the city center. That"s . . . different."
Luke nodded. "It is. But it"s good. I think you"d like it. I have an almost zero commute to work, and after the place with Emma, this feels so easy. Like it"s mine." He words tripped into each other. "You"ll have to see it." He sounded excited.
"I"d like that." I hated that I"d not seen it already. I found it difficult to comprehend that there were parts of his life that I didn"t know about. "Maybe you should have a housewarming party."
His shoulders dropped, and his lips pulled together tightly as if what I"d said upset him.
"And you should host Sunday night dinner one week."
"Next Sunday, while that lot is in Chicago?" he asked.
Were we going to have dinner together, alone, in his flat?
Yes.
We"d stopped things at the right time. We were going to make it through as friends. Our family wasn"t going to split because we"d had s.e.x. The thought brought relief, and disappointment. Did that mean that friends were all we would ever be? I was always going to want more from him.
"Only if you promise to cook." I playfully poked him on the shoulder.
We headed left toward the tube. "Only if you promise to buy me a housewarming gift. A good one."
I grinned at his mischievous expression. "I miss you," I blurted out. Just as we had started to relax and tease each other, I had to add a layer of awkward. But I wanted to tell him. I wanted to know if he missed me.
Luke rubbed his face with his hands and stared straight ahead as we continued to the tube station in silence.
"I"m sorry. I shouldn"t have said it." I wanted to rewind time.
"Not unless it means you"re ready to give us a shot. Otherwise it feels like a head f.u.c.k."
I nodded. He was right. I"d asked him for this time and s.p.a.ce, and I had to suffer the consequences.
"I"m sorry," I said softly.
He nodded as if he understood that I wasn"t ready to trust his feelings just yet. I wanted to be ready. I wanted him to be ready-soon.
Ashleigh For the first time in my life, I wished I had an office job. A job where I sat behind a desk and had access to the Internet. I"d been jumpy all morning-partly from all the coffee I"d been drinking, and partly because of my weird interaction with Luke. I"d told him I missed him and messed everything up. After he dropped me off at the tube station, I"d had almost no sleep. What I did have was a working knowledge of the four lawyers named Fiona at Luke"s law firm. I was pretty sure our winner was Fiona Pritchard. Her Facebook picture showed her in running gear and a number strapped to her vest. I couldn"t see any other photos of her because she"d selfishly set her privacy settings to anti-stalker, but she definitely seemed the most likely candidate.
Hearing Luke talk about another woman had properly shown me the consequences of the choice I"d made. I knew if he decided to be with someone else-Fiona or another girl-it meant that there had never really been a chance for us. Still, it didn"t mean it didn"t hurt. I"d wanted us to have some time apart for Luke to realize he couldn"t live without me because he was in love with me. I hadn"t counted on jealously obsessing over Fiona Pritchard.
She looked more serious in her official work photograph on the firm"s website, but not unattractive. Not an obvious knockout, but then again, I wasn"t going to start throwing stones. Her firm profile said she was in Planning and Environmental. I didn"t know much about what Luke did, but I was pretty sure that meant they were in separate departments. I couldn"t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Good, because they wouldn"t see much of each other, but bad because they"d be less concerned with getting involved.
Despite the fact I"d spent half the night stalking Fiona, I hadn"t quite got my fill. I hadn"t memorized every detail of her face. She looked about the same age as Luke, but I wanted to check again. I wanted to take another look. Was she the girl who would be the one to drive the nails into the coffin of Luke and me?
"You can take your break now if you like," the nurse in charge said. "You go off and get yourself something to eat. You"re looking pale."
Food was the last thing on my mind, but I was grateful that she"d relieved me early. Just as I was leaving the hospital grounds, my phone vibrated. Haven.
"Hey, how"re you doing?" I asked.
"On lunch. Thinking about you. How was last night?"
"Last night?"
"You know, between you and Luke after you left our place? I mean, it seemed good between you guys when we were having dinner."
It had been good. I always enjoyed time with Luke.
"Yeah, that"s the point though, isn"t it? We stopped things before we couldn"t go back to being friends. You said it yourself when you first found out about us-if it"s not okay between us, then you"ll be forced to choose and our family gets split up."
"I should have never said that. I was shocked and speaking before I"d thought about it. You know how I do that." Her voice was solemn. "I mean . . . I"d never choose one of you over the other. We"ll always be family."
Haven shouldn"t be feeling bad. She had made a really good point. "But you were right. It might not happen straight away, but if Luke and I can"t get along then we"ll drift apart. I can"t lose either of you." I wished we were having this conversation face to face. I needed a hug.
"So you"re giving up on something happening between you and Luke because you"re afraid it won"t work and you"ll fall out and lose both of us?" That was exactly what I was afraid of, but I wasn"t giving up on Luke.
"The way I see it is that he can"t possibly have the feelings for me that I have for him. I mean, you know how I"ve felt about him my whole life. Now suddenly he"s single for the first time in forever and he wants me? I just think if he can turn it on that quickly, he can turn it off just as fast." My stomach flipped at the thought that I may have lost him already. "It would kill me, properly break my heart, if I let myself think we could be something and then later down the line he decided he wanted someone else. And on top of a broken heart, I"d lose my family. I mean, what would I have left?" My stomach churned at the thought of losing Haven and Luke. I guessed I could start again in Hong Kong if that happened. I"d need to get away. "And if we stayed together, I couldn"t go through my whole life knowing that I feel more for him than he does for me. That would turn me inside out eventually."
"I get it. I do. But, you know, sometimes it"s worth the risk. Is it worth losing him to some girl at the office because you didn"t want to take a chance?"
"I think if he can get serious about someone else then he and I were never going to work in the first place. I"d rather know that now." It would be painful, but less so. "Do you think I"m an idiot?"
"You"re one of the smartest girls I know. I just worry that you and Luke could be good together. I don"t want you to miss out on happiness. I want that for you. Is it just time you need?"
I didn"t want to miss out either. And I wondered every second about whether I was doing the right thing. "I need time, but Luke does too. I need him to have s.p.a.ce to think about his other options."
"Speaking of other options, is it weird that I"ve been researching this Fiona person?" she asked. "I mean, I understand you"re not ready to be with him yet, but at some point I"m hoping you will be." Haven began to speak more quickly. "I"m rooting for you, and I don"t want any triathlon queen f.u.c.king it up."
I couldn"t have loved Haven more than I did in that moment.
"Now, I"m not technically getting involved, you understand. I"m just acting like the BFF, which of course, I am."
"Of course," I confirmed.
"I"ve not asked Luke about her."
I had to swallow the disappointment that surfaced in my throat, although I understood she was trying to stay impartial. "But I have asked Jake. Because, you know, I"m married to him." I could hear the grin in her voice. "Apparently Luke"s never mentioned her before."
"Right," I said, trying to keep my delight from seeping into my voice.
"But that"s good. If he was into her, he"d have said something to Jake."
I wasn"t convinced. There were a million reasons Luke wouldn"t confess his urge to get naked with a coworker to Jake. One, Jake was married to his sister. Luke wasn"t known for his fast decision-making in his personal life, which was a huge part of the reason I"d struggled with the way his feelings for me had switched so suddenly. He might not have decided if he liked Fiona yet.
"She"s pretty."
"I knew you"d be stalking her. You think she"s Fiona Pritchard? She"s not that pretty." Haven knew exactly what to say.
"She is pretty. But I need to stop obsessing. Like I said, if he wants her then it was never going to work out between us. I asked him to live his life. This is what I wanted, and this is what he needs." My head and my heart were in a constant battle and my head was barely winning-staving off the short-term pain for what I hoped would be a long-lasting future together.
"Do you have a time period in mind for him to live his life? A week, a month, a year?" Haven seemed impatient.
I didn"t have an answer for her. I needed to be able to trust Luke"s feelings for me, and part of me wondered if that would ever be possible. I"d loved him my entire life. Perhaps I was asking something from him that he could never provide.
Maybe we were already over.
Ashleigh It was starting to rain, but I still couldn"t bring myself to hit the buzzer to get inside. Luke had dropped me a text during the week with his address, telling me to arrive at his new place for Sunday dinner at six. I was nervous to see him again, particularly as the last time we"d been alone, I"d told him I missed him and he"d rightly called me a head f.u.c.k.
The housewarming gift I"d decided on seemed to grow heavier with every second I carried it. Thinking of the right gift for Luke had kept me busy for the entire week. I wasn"t sure if I should go practical or meaningful. I"d decided on the latter and purchased a magnolia tree for his balcony. I"d mentioned to Richard when I"d seen him on Friday that I was buying a tree and he, very graciously, had given me a ride and then hauled it up my three-story walk-up. I hadn"t realized until now how heavy it was.
For me the present was symbolic, but I wasn"t going to admit that to Luke. I wondered if he"d notice what it was, understand the symbolism. The tree itself was small, just a couple of feet high. The problem with my thoughtful gift was that it wasn"t in bloom and wouldn"t be until the spring. So I was basically turning up with a bunch of sticks poking out of some soil, and attached to them a label of how it would hopefully look. A promise of an almost impossible transformation, and a symbol of my favorite childhood memories. Memories of summers spent under a magnolia tree where I"d fallen in love with Luke.
As I was procrastinating, a young couple let themselves into the building and held the door for me.
I"m going in.
I declined their offer of help and they peeled off around the corner as I headed to the lifts. I quickly found the right flat number and dumped the pot where the welcome mat should be. I examined my hands-dirty and red from the indentation of the rim. I slid one palm over another, smoothing off the loose clumps of soil. The door opened. Luke stood over me, one eyebrow raised in a question.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I . . ." I reached into my pocket and pulled out the phone. It was ten after six. I wasn"t early. I mentally ran through the days of the week. It was definitely Sunday. I tucked my hair behind my ears, trying to displace the heat in my cheeks. Had I misunderstood? "You invited me."
"I mean, why are you standing outside my door? Why didn"t you knock or buzz downstairs?"
I exhaled in relief. "Oh, I came in with some other people, and I was about to ring you." I gestured to the tree. "Your gift."
He grinned and stepped back to examine it. "Thanks."
"I thought it might brighten up your balcony."
"Great. Thanks." He bent and scooped up the pot as if it were groceries. I followed him as he turned and headed into the flat. His muscles tightened then loosened under his T-shirt. I stared at his back and tried to focus on something else, but kept ending up focused on his a.s.s. s.h.i.t, I was five seconds into my visit and I"d lost control already.
Luke I"d heard rustling at the front door and when I"d gone to investigate, I"d found Ashleigh bent over a plant pot. She seemed jumpy. I knew I was. Last week she"d told me she missed me. It had messed with my head and f.u.c.ked me off. It felt like a game where she played Estella to my Pip. Training cleared my head. I"d run every day this week. The burning in my muscles helped dissipate my near-permanent hard-on I had when I thought of her. It dissolved the conspiracy theories I"d created about how Ashleigh had morphed from my best friend and lover into some sociopathic vixen. Her being so close soothed me-she was still my best friend and the woman I wanted to be here as my date.
I felt Ashleigh"s eyes on me as I headed to the balcony door. I lifted my chin, indicating that she open it. She fumbled with the lock and pulled it aside.
I stepped outside and set the pot down. I crouched and grasped the label tied to one of the branches. When in bloom, the plant looked familiar. Pretty. Where had I seen that before? I turned, and Ashleigh joined me on the balcony.
"Thanks, Ashleigh. It will look lovely when the flowers come out."
She shrugged, pursing her lips. She shifted from foot to foot, giving away how uncomfortable she felt.
"If I don"t kill it," I continued, trying to calm her.
"It"s nice," she said, sweeping her hand toward the open-plan living, dining and kitchen s.p.a.ce. "The light is . . . bright."
I chuckled. She was struggling and that helped me relax. We"d known each other our whole lives; it really shouldn"t be this difficult. "Let me show you around. Can I get you some wine first?"
"Yeah, I think alcohol would be good."
"And I have snacks. I think. a.s.suming I"ve not burned them, I tried to do those cheese straws Haven makes." I"d been cooking most of the day. I was looking forward to seeing Ashleigh, and I wanted to make something nice.
"Do you want to do the wine while I deal with snacks?" I indicated to a cupboard where I kept the winegla.s.ses and picked up an oven cloth. It was nice to have her here, near me, doing things we normally did, even if the venue was new.
I slid the hot tray onto the counter. The straws looked like they did when Haven made them. Awesome.
"The flat came furnished? You"ve not bought all this stuff?" Ashleigh set the winegla.s.ses beside the cheese straws and headed back to the refrigerator.
"No, everything came with it. Except my sheets and things like that."
"And you"ve put the sofa in storage?"
I chuckled. My obsession with my old college sofa must have seemed ridiculous. It did to me now. "No, the sofa has gone to sofa heaven."
Ashleigh turned to me, her eyes narrowed.
"I threw it out. It was knackered."