I took a deep breath. If I hadn"t been lost in the fog of Luke and I, I probably would have seen this coming more clearly. Maybe I"d even want that second chance.
"I don"t think I properly gave you a first chance, Richard. And that wasn"t your fault-it was entirely mine. I was unfair to you." I needed to be honest with him. "It"s just, I"ve had feelings about someone else for a very long time." I stared into my wine, embarra.s.sed that I"d perhaps led him on, even though I"d truly been trying to get over Luke when we dated.
"Luke," he said and I cringed. Was it that obvious? I nodded.
"But you"re not together?"
My heart ached at his words. "No, we"re not together."
"Have you ever been? I mean, is it unrequited?"
My cheeks heated. It felt wrong talking to him about this, especially as Richard had just declared he"d been crazy for me. "There was a brief . . . I really have no idea." Luke had told me that he had feelings for me-romantic feelings-and the s.e.x had been incredible, but I didn"t know what future there might be for us. All I knew was that I wasn"t ready to move on from him. Not yet.
Richard"s fingers crept along my arm. "He"s a fool if he doesn"t love you."
"Richard . . ."
"I mean it. I get that you"re caught up with him, but if he doesn"t get what an amazing, s.e.xy, funny person you are, then he"s a giant idiot."
I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry. He was being so kind and understanding. A huge part of me just wanted to be taken in his arms and comforted.
"If and when you"re ready to start dating again, I"d try not to mess it up," he continued.
"Richard-" He was being so nice, and I didn"t know how to react.
"Don"t say anything. Just think about it. No pressure."
I opened my eyes and stared at my lap.
"Hey, don"t be sad. I wasn"t trying to induce depression." He stroked my jaw. "Come on," he said, jumping off the sofa. "You can help me with dinner. Maybe I can win you over with my mad chef skills. Let"s press pause on this conversation for tonight, and just have a nice evening. Agreed?"
I smiled. It was just what he needed to say. I wanted time to process what he"d suggested. He was a good guy who wanted a second chance. I couldn"t just dismiss that, could I? But at the same time, I wasn"t ready to give up on my fairy tale.
A pause b.u.t.ton was exactly what the doctor called for.
Luke "You look like my brother, but you can"t be him. He doesn"t come around here anymore," Haven said, clearly looking through the peephole.
"Ha b.l.o.o.d.y ha, Haven. Let me in."
I"d promised Haven I"d turn up to Sunday dinner this week. She"d been hara.s.sing me for days, but she"d been right. Ashleigh and I had to get through this-at least as friends-so I couldn"t avoid her anymore.
The door swung open, but she was already halfway back down the corridor, and heading for the kitchen. "Way to make me feel welcome."
Jake stood at the counter, bent over what looked like a recipe book. "Hey, mate," I said.
He gave me a hug, his eyes bright. "It"s so good to see you. Thanks for coming. Haven"s been a wreck with all this s.h.i.t going on with you and Ash."
My stomach dropped. I"d not thought about the impact on Haven. "I"m sorry. I just needed a bit of s.p.a.ce."
"You don"t need s.p.a.ce from me, you d.i.c.khead," she said.
"Not you, from Ashleigh. I didn"t want it be difficult between you two, so I thought . . . I don"t know."
"He"s here now, Haven. That"s the main thing," Jake said. "It"ll be a great night."
"Is Ashleigh coming?" I asked. Haven had been pretty fierce when she"d told me to get over it and turn up for dinner. She"d said she was making Sunday night dinner mandatory and would tell Ashleigh the same thing.
"Of course she is. I"ve told you, there"s no choice. You two need to find a way because I"m not having my family breaking apart." Haven"s voice quivered and Jake reached out to smooth circles on her back. "Not now." She moved away from him and scurried past me into the bathroom at the same time the door buzzer went. Jesus, I"d had no idea she was so upset.
"Can you get that?" Jake asked. "I"ll go and check on Haven."
"Yeah, of course. G.o.d, I"m sorry. I-" I hated to see Haven sad. It was my job to protect her. The last thing I wanted was to be the cause of her sorrow.
"Listen, don"t worry about it. I"ll explain in a bit . . . You see in Ash." Jake hurried after Haven, and I went to answer the door.
Her smile faltered, just a tiny bit, when she saw me. "Hey." Her voice was quiet and unsure, and I had to muster up a burst of energy when all I wanted to do was stand and stare at her. To remind myself of her every soft curve.
I bent and kissed her on her cheek. "It"s good to see you, Ashleigh. It really is." I inhaled her scent. It was a call home, a call to where I belonged. Every time I saw her I was more and more certain that we were meant to be together, that I needed her, wanted her . . . loved her. I"d been giving her some s.p.a.ce by not coming to Sunday dinner, but I"d also been giving myself some s.p.a.ce. It was too painful to be constantly reminded of what I desperately wanted but couldn"t have. Of where I should be, who I should be with.
"Where"s Haven and Jake?" She looked round the living room as we entered.
I frowned. "The bathroom, I think. Haven got a bit upset. I think because the whole Sunday dinner thing. I mean, I"ve not been coming. I don"t know about you."
She shook her head. "No, me neither. I thought-"
She thought she"d give me room to keep on with our ritual, and I"d tried to do the same. "We should make more of an effort."
She nodded, the light catching on her hair, highlighting her beautiful face. I had to look away. How had I gone so many years without being totally mesmerized by her?
"G.o.d, that"s not like her to be upset about stuff like this." She shuffled from one foot to the other. All I wanted to do was pull her close.
I held my breath as Haven"s and Jake"s voices became louder and doors opened and closed.
"So, it"s this guy"s fault," Haven announced, pointing her thumb toward Jake.
"What is?" I asked as Haven hugged Ashleigh. Why was Jake getting the blame?
"Me getting emotional." She pulled away from Ashleigh and put her arm around Jake"s waist. "He knocked me up."
"What?" Ashleigh squealed. "You"re pregnant? That"s amazing."
"We wanted you both here, so we could tell you at the same time," Jake said.
"Beth, too, but she"s in Chicago, and I wasn"t drinking when she popped in earlier in the week. And well, she guessed . . ."
"Wow, congratulations," I said, shocked as I shook Jake"s hand and pulled him into a hug. I looked Haven up and down, trying to spot evidence of a b.u.mp. She grasped at her stomach. My sister was pregnant. I was going to be an uncle. f.u.c.king h.e.l.l. I"d thought life was moving quickly before. "You"re a braver man that I."
"Don"t look at me like that." I pulled her toward me, and she wrapped her arms around my waist. Pride knotted in my stomach. A huge wave of relief pa.s.sed through me that I"d never had an accident with Emma. I would have married her, of course, and it would never have been enough for me.
"I"m so proud of you," I said, my cheek resting on her head. "You"re going to be an amazing mother."
"Turns out it"s not that difficult to get pregnant," Haven replied. "It wasn"t planned." My stomach churned. I hoped she was ready. I wasn"t sure I"d ever be. A kid was going to change things in our family forever.
"That"s because we"re so good at baby making." Jake grinned proudly.
"Okay, enough already." Ashleigh covered her ears. I reached out to pull her into a weird double hug behind Haven. The three of us stood together like the unit we"d been for so long.
It felt good.
"Come on, guys, break it up. I"m starting to feel left out," Jake said.
The three of us dispersed and gathered round the kitchen island.
"So we need to celebrate. I should have brought champagne." Ashleigh clasped her hands together. She was excited, her eyes sparkling. Our earlier awkwardness had dissipated.
"I"ve got some. We"ve got lots to celebrate. Ash sat her entrance exam to business school. And you won your whats-a-mathing case," Haven said. "I"ve not seen you properly since."
"You won the Nigelson case?" Ashleigh asked, her eyes wide.
I nodded and stuffed my hands in my pockets. "Well, it settled, in our favor."
"Oh my G.o.d, Luke, this is huge. Congratulations." She wrapped her arms around my neck. Shocked, I slid my hands around her waist, leaned down and pulled her close. "You should have told me," she mumbled against my skin. Her familiar scent wound itself around me, all sweetness and summer. I had to work hard not to smooth my hands over that perfect a.s.s of hers. She moved her body against mine. Like flint on stone, sparks went off across my skin. Jesus, it was torture holding her like this, but being unable to peel off her clothes, lay her down, spread her out and enjoy her. My d.i.c.k began to harden. I tensed and pulled back.
"I know." I would have normally told her, but I"d forgotten how to be normal with her. "How was the exam?"
"Good, I think. I won"t know for a few weeks whether I got in." She wouldn"t meet my eyes as we parted. She headed toward the refrigerator as if we"d just had a friendly hug. "Rule number one of your pregnancy is that you can"t judge me for drinking. It"s going to be bad enough knowing that I"m the only one out of you, Beth and me that"s still on the booze, I don"t need to feel your judgment."
"Deal. And shoot me if I become one of those women who start telling you that I didn"t know what love meant until I had a baby. I mean, I might think it, but if I let those words out, feel free to stuff them back in. I also promise to put the kid up for adoption if all I start to talk about is nappies and breastfeeding."
"No one is being put up for adoption. Jesus." Jake looked ashen. I couldn"t help but chuckle.
"I told you I"m going to be a terrible mother," Haven said, shrugging as if he should know better than to expect anything else from her.
Jake grabbed her by the waist and held her against him. I looked away, their moment too private. I caught Ashleigh"s eye. She gave me a small smile. I missed her so much.
Things settled between us after that and entire minutes went by where I forgot the awkwardness between Ashleigh and me. It descended again when I had to resist smoothing my hand over her back as we sat at the table, and again when I was tempted to press my lips to her cheek as I pa.s.sed her. I was forced to remember that we weren"t together.
"So seriously, we should celebrate, properly," Jake said as he handed me a dish of vegetables. "Let"s go out. Next weekend, maybe."
"I really want to go to Chiltern Firehouse," Ashleigh said.
"It"s good." I said at the same time Jake did.
The girls snapped their heads toward us. Jake and I exchanged a glance.
"Have you two been dating each other when we weren"t looking?" Haven asked.
"I went there ages ago, before us," Jake said pointedly to Haven.
Haven transferred her glare from her husband to me.
"I went last weekend. It was nice," I said.
I shouldn"t have said anything. The implication hung in the air like a dreary fog. No question, Chiltern Firehouse was a date restaurant. Ashleigh focused on her gla.s.s. I wanted to shout, "But you told me to date." I didn"t. If she still had feelings for me, it would smart that I was taking someone out. If she was dating, I was pretty sure I"d go down for murder. Somehow we were going to have to get through this.
Together.
Ashleigh I was staring at the crack in my ceiling. It was late-or early, depending on how you looked at it-but I couldn"t be bothered to turn my head to see exactly what time it was.
He"d been to Chiltern Firehouse last weekend. The weekend. So, not for work. I had willed Haven to ask him what he was doing there, but she"d busied herself with the plates and dishes in front of her.
Was it the kind of place Luke went on a first date, or was it more of a second date type of place? Luke would have definitely said if it hadn"t been a date, wouldn"t he? Otherwise, why hadn"t he said why he went? He must have taken a woman. A girlfriend? Frantically, I ran through the time that had pa.s.sed. Could he already have a girlfriend? Perhaps. Especially if he"d known her before they"d started dating. Someone like Fiona.
The thought made me feel physically sick. Both because he hadn"t chosen me and I was never going to get my fairy tale, and because maybe I could have been okay loving him more than he loved me. I shouldn"t have pushed him away and insisted on this time apart. Maybe Luke was only ever going to go along with whatever was easy, and I"m sure Fiona was making things way easier than I was.
My phone vibrated on the cabinet next to me. In a burst of energy, I twisted to grab it. I flicked my fingers across the screen to discover a text from Richard. I let out a sigh. Five in the morning. I"d not slept a wink.
Richard was suggesting dinner tonight. I took a breath. It would be a good way to try to get Luke and Fiona out of my head. Last night had been a reminder to me that Luke was doing everything I"d wanted. He"d been getting on with his life.
I agreed to dinner, and I pulled myself out of bed. There was no point lying there thinking about what Luke may or may not have done. I needed to get on with my life too.
I"d changed in the locker room so we could go to dinner straight from work as Richard and my shifts coincided.
Richard came up behind me, slid his hand across my back and he kissed my cheek. "You ready?"
"Yeah. I thought maybe we could go to that pizza place-"
"Pizza?" He grimaced.
"In Sh.o.r.editch. It"s good. Iconic, or something. And I"m paying, so I get to choose." I started to walk toward the bus stop.
"You"re not paying. And you"re going to make me go on the bus?"
"Don"t be a whiney baby." I elbowed him in the ribs. "Come out of your ivory tower and live like the rest of us." I grinned at him.
"Someone literally s.h.i.t on me today. I"m not sure my ivory tower is as nice as you think it is."
I giggled. "Well no one is going to s.h.i.t on you on the bus . . . I think. So, you"re safe."
After we got on the bus, we had to stand as all the seats were taken, upstairs and down. I clung on to the pole as the movement jostled us backward and forward, occasionally pushing me toward Richard. Each time he steadied me, his fingers lingered longer than they needed to, his palm pressing unnecessarily-warm and possessive. It felt protective, comfortable.
"You"ve never been to Pizza East?" I asked.
"No. You see? You"re constantly expanding my horizons." He reached for my face and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
My mouth went dry. He really wanted this. I mean, I knew he did, he"d told me as much, but it hadn"t hit me until now how different our expectations were. My being here was all about hiding from my feelings for Luke, distracting myself from thoughts of him and Fiona. But Richard was all about me. I was being so unfair.
I looked away from him, watching the East End of London slip past. My stomach clenched at the prospect of our evening together.