And in come the new Italian man, smiling and bowing and looking "meek and lowly, sick and sore," as the song says.
Well, we laughed at Brown"s talk and asked the Italian all kinds of fool questions and n.o.body noticed that the count wan"t saying nothing. Pretty soon he gets up and says he guesses he"ll go to his room, "cause he feels sort of sick.
And I tell you he looked sick. He was yellower than he was the other night, and he walked like he hadn"t got his sea legs on. Old Dillaway was terrible sorry and kept asking if there wan"t something he could do, but the count put him off and went out.
"Now that"s too bad!" says Brown. "Spaghetti, you needn"t wait any longer."
So the other Italian went out, too.
And then Peter T. Brown turned loose and talked the way he done when me and Jonadab first met him. He just spread himself. He told of this bargain that he"d made and that sharp trade he had turned, while we set there and listened and laughed like a pa.r.s.el of fools. And every time that Ebenezer"d get up to go to bed, Peter"d trot out a new yarn and he"d have to stop to listen to that. And it got to be eleven o"clock and then twelve and then one.
It was just about quarter past one and we was laughing our heads off at one of Brown"s jokes, when out under the back window there was a jingle and a thump and a kind of groaning and wiggling noise.
"What on earth is that?" says Dillaway.
"I shouldn"t be surprised," says Peter, cool as a mack"rel on ice, "if that was his royal highness, the count."
He took up the lamp and we all hurried outdoors and "round the corner.
And there, sure enough, was the count, sprawling on the ground with his leather satchel alongside of him, and his foot fast in a big steel trap that was. .h.i.tched by a chain to the lower round of the ladder. He rared up on his hands when he see us and started to say something about an outrage.
"Oh, that"s all right, your majesty," says Brown. "Hi, Chianti, come here a minute! Here"s your old college chum, the count, been and put his foot in it."
When the new barber showed up the count never made another move, just wilted like a morning-glory after sunrise. But you never see a worse upset man than Ebenezer Dillaway.
"But what does this mean?" says he, kind of wild like. "Why don"t you take that thing off his foot?"
"Oh," says Peter, "he"s been elongating my pedal extremity for the last month or so; I don"t see why I should kick if he pulls his own for a while. You see," he says, "it"s this way:
"Ever since his grace condescended to lend the glory of his countenance to this humble roof," he says, "it"s stuck in my mind that I"d seen the said countenance somewhere before. The other night when our conversation was trifling with the razor subject and the Grand Lama here"--that"s the name he called the count--"was throwing in details about his carving his friends, it flashed across me where I"d seen it. About a couple of years ago I was selling the guileless rural druggists contiguous to Scranton, Pennsylvania, the tasty and happy combination called "Dr. Bulger"s Electric Liver Cure," the same being a sort of electric light for shady livers, so to speak. I made my headquarters at Scranton, and, while there, my hair was shortened and my chin smoothed in a neat but gaudy barber shop, presided over by my friend Spaghetti here, and my equally valued friend the count."
"So," says Peter, smiling and cool as ever, "when it all came back to me, as the song says, I journeyed to Scranton accompanied by a photograph of his lordship. I was lucky enough to find Macaroni in the same old shop. He knew the count"s cla.s.sic profile at once. It seems his majesty had hit up the lottery a short time previous for a few hundred and had given up barbering. I suppose he"d read in the papers that the imitation count line was stylish and profitable and so he tried it on.
It may be," says Brown, offhand, "that he thought he might marry some rich girl. There"s some fool fathers, judging by the papers, that are willing to sell their daughters for the proper kind of tag on a package like him."
Old man Dillaway kind of made a face, as if he"d ate something that tasted bad, but he didn"t speak.
"And so," says Peter, "Spaghetti and I came to the Old Home together, he to shave for twelve per, and I to set traps, etcetera. That"s a good trap," he says, nodding, "I bought it in Boston. I had the teeth filed down, but the man that sold it said "twould hold a horse. I left the ladder by his grace"s window, thinking he might find it handy after he"d seen his friend of other days, particularly as the back door was locked.
"And now," goes on Brown, short and sharp, "let"s talk business. Count,"
he says, "you are set back on the books about sixty odd for old home comforts. We"ll cut off half of that and charge it to advertising. You draw well, as the man said about the pipe. But the other thirty you"ll have to work out. You used to shave like a bird. I"ll give you twelve dollars a week to chip in with Macaroni here and barber the boarders."
But Dillaway looked anxious.
"Look here, Brown," he says, "I wouldn"t do that. I"ll pay his board bill and his traveling expenses if he clears out this minute. It seems tough to set him shaving after he"s been such a big gun around here."
I could see right off that the arrangement suited Brown first rate and was exactly what he"d been working for, but he pretended not to care much for it.
"Oh! I don"t know," he says. "I"d rather be a sterling barber than a plated count. But anything to oblige you, Mr. Dillaway."
So the next day there was a n.o.bleman missing at the "Old Home House,"
and all we had to remember him by was a trunk full of bricks. And Peter T. Brown and the "queen" was roosting in the Lover"s Nest; and the new Italian was busy in the barber shop. He could shave, too. He shaved me without a pull, and my face ain"t no plush sofy, neither.
And before the season was over the engagement was announced. Old Dillaway took it pretty well, considering. He liked Peter, and his having no money to speak of didn"t count, because Ebenezer had enough for all hands. The old man said he"d been hoping for a son-in-law sharp enough to run the "Consolidated Stores" after he was gone, and it looked, he said, as if he"d found him.
THE SOUTH Sh.o.r.e WEATHER BUREAU
"But," says Cap"n Jonadab and me together, jest as if we was "reading in concert" same as the youngsters do in school, "but," we says, "will it work? Will anybody pay for it?"
"Work?" says Peter T., with his fingers in the arm-holes of the double-breasted danger-signal that he called a vest, and with his cigar tilted up till you"d think "twould set his hat-brim afire. "Work?" says he. "Well, maybe "twouldn"t work if the ordinary brand of canned lobster was running it, but with ME to jerk the lever and sound the loud timbrel--why, say! it"s like stealing money from a blind cripple that"s hard of hearing."
"Yes, I know," says Cap"n Jonadab. "But this ain"t like starting the Old Home House. That was opening up a brand-new kind of hotel that n.o.body ever heard of before. This is peddling weather prophecies when there"s the Gov"ment Weather Bureau running opposition--not to mention the Old Farmer"s Almanac, and I don"t know how many more," he says.
Brown took his patent leathers down off the rail of the piazza, give the ashes of his cigar a flip--he knocked "em into my hat that was on the floor side of his chair, but he was too excited to mind--and he says:
"Confound it, man!" he says. "You can throw more cold water than a fire-engine. Old Farmer"s Almanac! This isn"t any "About this time look out for snow" business. And it ain"t any Washington cold slaw like "Weather for New England and Rocky Mountains, Tuesday to Friday; cold to warm; well done on the edges with a rare streak in the middle, preceded or followed by rain, snow, or clearing. Wind, north to south, varying east and west." No siree! this is TO-DAY"S weather for Cape Cod, served right off the griddle on a hot plate, and cooked by the chef at that.
You don"t realize what a regular dime-museum wonder that feller is," he says.
Well, I suppose we didn"t. You see, Jonadab and me, like the rest of the folks around Wellmouth, had come to take Beriah Crocker and his weather notions as the regular thing, like baked beans on a Sat.u.r.day night.
Beriah, he--
But there! I"ve been sailing stern first. Let"s get her headed right, if we ever expect to turn the first mark. You see, "twas this way:
"Twas in the early part of May follering the year that the "Old Home House" was opened. We"d had the place all painted up, decks holy-stoned, bunks overhauled, and one thing or "nother, and the "Old Home" was all taut and shipshape, ready for the crew--boarders, I mean. Pa.s.sages was booked all through the summer and it looked as if our second season would be better"n our first.
Then the Dillaway girl--she was christened Lobelia, like her mother, but she"d painted it out and cruised under the name of Belle since the family got rich--she thought "twould be nice to have what she called a "spring house-party" for her particular friends "fore the regular season opened. So Peter--he being engaged at the time and consequent in that condition where he"d have put on horns and "mooed" if she"d give the order--he thought "twould be nice, too, and for a week it was "all hands on deck!" getting ready for the "house-party."
Two days afore the thing was to go off the ways Brown gets a letter from Belle, and in it says she"s invited a whole lot of folks from Chicago and New York and Boston and the land knows where, and that they"ve never been to the Cape and she wants to show "em what a "quaint" place it is. "Can"t you get," says she, "two or three delightful, queer, old "longsh.o.r.e characters to be at work "round the hotel? It"ll give such a touch of local color," she says.
So out comes Peter with the letter.
"Barzilla," he says to me, "I want some characters. Know anybody that"s a character?"
"Well," says I, "there"s Nate Sloc.u.m over to Orham. He"d steal anything that wa"n"t spiked down. He"s about the toughest character I can think of, offhand, this way."
"Oh, thunder!" says Brown. "I don"t want a crook; that wouldn"t be any novelty to THIS crowd," he says. "What I"m after is an odd stick; a feller with pigeons in his loft. Not a lunatic, but jest a queer genius--little queerer than you and the Cap"n here."
After a while we got his drift, and I happened to think of Beriah and his chum, Eben Cobb. They lived in a little shanty over to Skakit P"int and got their living lobstering, and so on. Both of "em had saved a few thousand dollars, but you couldn"t get a cent of it without giving "em ether, and they"d rather live like Portugees than white men any day, unless they was paid to change. Beriah"s pet idee was foretelling what the weather was going to be. And he could do it, too, better"n anybody I ever see. He"d smell a storm further"n a cat can smell fish, and he hardly ever made a mistake. Prided himself on it, you understand, like a boy does on his first long pants. His prophecies was his idols, so"s to speak, and you couldn"t have hired him to foretell what he knew was wrong, not for no money.
Peter said Beriah and Eben was just the sort of "cards" he was looking for and drove right over to see "em. He hooked "em, too. I knew he would; he could talk a Come-Outer into believing that a Unitarian wasn"t booked for Tophet, if he set out to.
So the special train from Boston brought the "house-party" down, and our two-seated buggy brought Beriah and Eben over. They didn"t have anything to do but to look "picturesque" and say "I snum!" and "I swan to man!"
and they could do that to the skipper"s taste. The city folks thought they was "just too dear and odd for anything," and made "em bigger fools than ever, which wa"n"t necessary.
The second day of the "party" was to be a sailing trip clear down to the life-saving station on Setuckit Beach. It certainly looked as if "twas going to storm, and the Gov"ment predictions said it was, but Beriah said "No," and stuck out that "twould clear up by and by. Peter wanted to know what I thought about their starting, and I told him that "twas my experience that where weather was concerned Beriah was a good, safe anchorage. So they sailed away, and, sure enough, it cleared up fine.