"VeLOCIPeDE IV. (Napoleon-Eugene-Louis-Jean-Joseph, Prince Imperial, more commonly known by the name of:) born at Paris, March 16th, 1856. He is the son of Napoleon III. and of the Empress, Eugenie de Montijo.
"Here a parenthesis. The Trombinoscope has often been accused of brutality. When we traced the profile of the ex-empress, the cry was that we had no consideration even for women. We replied that, in our eyes, sovereigns were no more women than were the she petroleum-throwers. To-day there will not be wanting people to say that we do not spare children; and we shall reply, as we have often said before, that sons are not responsible for the crimes of their fathers until the day when they set up a claim to profit by them. If, during the two years that the Trombinoscope has plied his vocation, we have not aimed a shot at the young hero of Sarrebruck, it is precisely because childhood inspires respect in us. If this youth, when consulted upon his calling, had replied, "My desire is to be an architect or a shoe-maker," we should have had nothing to say. But mark: scarcely has he ceased to be a child when, on being questioned as to his choice of a trade, he answers, "I wish to be emperor." Oh, indeed! The son of Napoleon III. has entered upon his career; he is a child no more; and the Trombinoscope re-enters into all his rights.
"We said, then, that Eugene-Napoleon was born March 16th, 1856. The doctor who received him perceived that he had upon _la fesse droite_ a ma.s.s of odd little red marks. Upon examining closely this phenomenon, he perceived that these marks were a representation of the bombardment of the house Sallanvrouze in December, 1851, upon the Boulevard Montmartre.
All was there: the intrepid artillery of Canrobert, smashing the shop-windows and pulverizing a newspaper stand; the nurses disemboweled upon the seats; the bootblack on the corner having his customer"s leg carried away from between his hands, etc., etc.
"The empress during her pregnancy had read Victor Hugo"s "Napoleon the Little," and had been much struck with the chapter in which the _coup d"etat_ is so well related. They concealed from the people this tattooing--this far too significant trade-mark--and they placed the new-born child in a cradle with the ribbon of the Legion of Honor around his neck. The high dignitaries then advanced to prostrate themselves before the august infant, who sucked his thumb, and they relate, in this connection, in the blatant clap-trap History of Napoleon III., that one of the courtiers narrowly escaped falling into disgrace by appearing stupefied to see the Prince Imperial decorated at the age of fifteen hours. Happily he recovered himself in time, and replied to the emperor, who had remarked his surprise:
""Sire! I am indeed astonished that His Highness is only commander."
"To the age of eighteen months, the Prince Imperial did nothing remarkable; but, dating from that moment, he became a veritable prodigy.
Along with his first pair of trousers, his father ordered two dozen witticisms of the editors of _Figaro_. These sallies at once went the rounds of the domestic press, and the Prince Imperial had not reached his sixth year when he pa.s.sed, in the rural districts, for having all the wit which his mother lacked. Thus, in full _Figaro_, appeared one morning a crayon drawing attributed to the Prince Imperial, at the age when as yet he only executed in _sepia_ upon the flaps of his shirt.
"This marvel of precocity astonished all men who had need of a sub-prefectship or a place in the tobacco excise; and this to such a point that they were not in the least surprised when, during the Exhibition of 1867, a reporter prepared his left b.u.t.ton-hole to receive the recompense due to the brave by printing--in the self-same _Figaro_, by heavens!--that the little prince, then eleven years of age, had discussed with engineers of experience the strong and weak points of all the wheel work in the grand hall of machinery.
"The years which followed were for the young phenomenon only a succession of triumphs of the same calibre, until the day when his father declared that, in order to complete his imperial education, nothing was wanting to him but to learn to ride the velocipede.
"It need not be said that he learned this n.o.ble art, like all the others, by just blowing upon it.
"Meanwhile, Eugene-Napoleon had achieved various grades in the army.
Named Corporal in the Grenadiers of the Guard at the age of twenty-two months, one evening when he had not cried for being put to bed at eight o"clock, he had been made successively pioneer, sergeant, sergeant-major, and adjutant of the same corps. When he made some difficulties about swallowing his iodide of pota.s.sium in the morning, they promised him promotion, and that encouraged him. From gla.s.s to gla.s.s, he won the epaulet of sub-lieutenant; and at the moment when the war with Prussia broke out he had just deserved the epaulet of lieutenant by letting them give him, without crying, an injection with salt, which inspired him with profound horror.
"At the very beginning of the war, his father took him to the Prussian frontier, in order to make him pa.s.s by his side under triumphal arches into Berlin, which the army _five times ready_ of Marshal Leboeuf was to enter within four days at the very latest.
"At the combat of Sarrebruck, that brilliant military pantomime which the Emperor caused to be performed under the guise of a parade, the Prince Imperial became the admiration of Europe by picking up on the field of battle "_a bullet which had fallen near him_," said the dispatch of Napoleon to Eugenie. "_From the pocket of a mischievous staff officer_," history will add.
"Since our disasters, the Prince Imperial grows and stuffs himself in exile, with some devoted servants whose salaries go on as before, and a Spanish mother who teaches him to love France as the most lucrative of the monarchical tobacco-excise offices in Europe.
"Recently the Prince Imperial, for the first time, declared his pretension to the throne by thanking the eight Bonapartists, who had hired a smoking compartment upon the Northern Line in order to present their compliments--and their bill--on the occasion of the 15th of August. That was the first act of a Pretender, the cutting of whose teeth still torments him, and whose new pantaloons become too short at the end of eight days. It was this which decided us to write his rather meagre biography.
"As to his person, the Prince Imperial is a perfect type of a s...o...b..ring aspirant of the eighth order. In his exterior, at least, he does not seem to have derived much from his father; but he has the empty, vain, and silly expression of his mother. He represents sufficiently well one of those married b.o.o.bies whose insignificance condemns them to live upon their income in a little provincial city, working six hours a day their part of third cornet in a raw philharmonic society, while their wives at home make cuckolds of them with the officers of the garrison.
"SUPPLEMENTARY NOTICE.
_"Dates to be supplied by the collectors of the Trombinoscope._
"Eugene-Napoleon, attaining his majority March 16th, 1877, demands a settlement from his mother. She confesses to him that of his maternal fortune there remain but thirty-two francs. "What has become, then," he asks,"of all the fund which, during the twenty years of papa"s empire, was produced by the exemption money of the conscripts for whom subst.i.tutes were not obtained, by the b.u.t.tons which were wanting to the gaiters, and the gaiters which were wanting to the b.u.t.tons?" "What has become of it?" said the Empress. "Do you suppose that, during these seven years past, I have maintained _our_ French journals with my old chignons?" Eugene-Napoleon replied to his mother: "Then, if I have no longer a sou with which to take Mandarine to the races, hand me one of papa"s riding-jackets that I may make a descent at Boulogne, to dethrone Louis Philippe II. He makes a descent at Boulogne, the ---- 18--, with five drunken men and the little Conneau, all disguised as circus staff officers. They put him on his trial; he is convicted the ---- 18--; is pardoned the ---- 18--; repeats the performance the ---- 18--. The Republic having turned out Louis Philippe II., Eugene-Napoleon re-enters France the ---- 18--as simple citizen. The republicans, who are always just so foolish, permit him to be elected deputy the ---- 18--, and president the ---- 18--. He seats himself upon the Republic December 2d, 18--, and re-establishes the Empire the ---- 18--. The social decomposition resumes its course. Velocipede IV. marries the ---- 18--, a circus girl. The moral scale continues to rise: Blanche d"Antigny and Cora Pearl are ladies of honor at the Tuileries. The ----18--, at the moment when Velocipede IV. is about to engage in a war with Prussia, which he thinks will consolidate his throne, but which, considering the organization of our artillery, threatens to extend the German frontiers as far as Saint-Ouen. France stops the drain of those ruinous imitations, drives out the Emperor, and again proclaims the Republic.
This time, a thing wholly unexpected, some republicans are found who, after having energetically swept France clean of all that appertains to former systems, whether pretenders, office-holders, spies, etc., etc., push their logic even to the point of bolting the door inside, in order not to be interfered with in their loyal endeavor. This device, so simple, but by which we have pa.s.sed three times in a century without seeing it, succeeds to admiration; and at length it is announced, the ---- 19--, that Velocipede IV., after having been by turns, at London, keeper of a thirteen-sous bazaar, pickpocket, circus performer, magnetizer, and dealer in lead-pencils, dies in the flower of his age from the effects of a disease which his father did not contract while presiding at a meeting of his cabinet."
With this specimen of _blague_ we may leave the caricaturists of France to fight it out with La Censure.
CHAPTER XX.
COMIC ART IN GERMANY.
Upon the news-stands in St. Louis, Chicago, Cincinnati, Philadelphia, Milwaukee, New York, and other cities, we find the comic periodicals of Germany, particularly the _Fliegende Blatter_ of Berlin, and the _Beilage der Fliegenden Blatter_ of Munchen, papers resembling _Punch_ in form and design. The American reader who turns over their leaves can not but remark the mildness of the German jokes. Compared with the tremendous and sometimes ghastly efforts of the dreadful Funny Man of the American press, the jests of the Germans are as lager-beer to the goading "c.o.c.ktail" and the maddening "smash!" But, then, they are delightfully innocent. Coming from the French comic alb.u.ms and papers to those of the Germans, is like emerging, after sunrise, from a masquerade ball, all gas, rouge, heat, and frenzy, into a field full of children playing till the bell rings for school. Nevertheless, the impression remains that an extremely mild joke suffices to amuse the German reader of comic periodicals.
The pictured jests, as in _Punch_, are the attractive feature. Observe the infantile simplicity of a few of these, taken almost at random from recent volumes of the papers just mentioned:
Two young girls, about twelve, are sitting upon a bench in a public garden. Two dandies walk past, who are dressed alike, and resemble one another. "Tell me, f.a.n.n.y," says one of the girls, "are not those two gentlemen brothers?" This is the reply: "One of them is, I know for certain; but I am not quite sure about the other."
A strapping woman, sooty, wearing a man"s hat, and carrying a ladder and brushes, is striding along the street. The explanation vouchsafed is the following: "The very eminent magistrate has determined to permit the widow of the meritorious chimney-sweep, Spazzicammino, to continue the business."
A silly-looking gentleman is seen conversing with a lady upon whom he has called, while a number of cats are playing about the room. "Why have you so many cats?" he asks. The lady replies: "Well, you see, my cook kept giving warning because I locked up the milk and meat, and so I got the cats as a pretext."
Two ladies are conversing. The elder says: "Why do you quarrel with your husband so often?" The younger replies: "Oh, you know the making-up is extremely entertaining, and getting good again is so lovely!"
[Ill.u.s.tration: Evolution of the Piano, according to Darwin. (Berlin, 1872.)]
A scene in a cheap book-store. A young lady says to the clerk: "I want a Lovers" Letter-writer--a cheap one." "Here, miss?" "How much is it?"
"Eighteen kreutzers." "That is too dear for me." "Oh, but I beg your pardon, miss, if you take the Letter-writer, you get Schiller"s works thrown in; and if a young lady buys at this shop a tract upon potatoes, she gets the whole of Goethe into the bargain."
The steps of a church are exhibited, with a clergyman a.s.sisting an old woman down to the sidewalk. A long explanation is given, as follows: "Parson Friedel, a thoroughly good fellow, though not a particularly good preacher, goes on Sunday morning to church to edify his flock. On his arrival he sees an old dame trying in vain to get up the icy steps.
"Oh, sir," she says, not recognizing the holy man, "pray help me up." He does so, and when they have reached the top she thanks him, and adds, "Oblige me also, dear sir, by telling me who preaches to-day?" "Parson Friedel," he courteously replies. "Oh, sir, then help me down again."
The parson, smiling, rejoins: "Quite right; I wouldn"t go in myself if I were not obliged to.""
A very tall man is bending over to light his cigar at an exceedingly short man"s cigar. "What!" says the short man, "you wonder that your light goes out so often? That is owing to the rarity of the atmosphere in the elevated regions in which your cigar moves."
A stable scene, in which figure a horse, an officer, and a horse-dealer.
The officer says: "The horse I bought of you yesterday has a fault; he is lame in the off fore-leg." The dealer replies: "Ah! and do you call that a fault? I call it a misfortune."
A clergyman"s study. Enter a very ill-favored pair, to whom the clergyman says: "So you wish to be married, do you? Well, have you maturely reflected upon it?" The man replies: "Yes, we have asked beforehand about how much it will cost."
[Ill.u.s.tration: A Corporal, who is about to be promoted, presents Himself before the Major.
"Can you read?" "At your service, major." "Can you write?" "At your service, major." "Can you cipher?" "At your service, major." "What are you in civil life?" "Doctor of philosophy and lecturer in the university."--_Fliegende Blatter_, Berlin, 1872.]
A compartment of a railway carriage, in which are two pa.s.sengers, one of whom has two little pigs under the seat, and the other a small curly lap-dog in his lap. _Conductor_ (standing outside). "Have you a dog"s ticket?" "No." "Then get one." "But my dog troubles no one." "That makes no difference." "But this countryman here has two pigs in the carriage."
"No matter for that; we have a rule about dogs, but none for pigs."
A boat on a Swiss lake with a party about to lunch. A lady, in great alarm, says to the boatman: "Stop, for Heaven"s sake, stop! You told the people, when we got in, that your boat would sink if it were heavier by half an ounce. But if these men eat all that, we shall go to the bottom for a certainty."
A restaurant scene. A customer, handing back to a waiter a plate of meat, says: "Waiter, this meat is so tough I can"t chew it." _Waiter._ "Excuse me, I will bring you a sharp knife immediately."
An aged clergyman parting with a young soldier about to join the army, says: "Augustus, you now enter upon a military career. Take care of your health, and mind you lead a good life." _Augustus._ "Same to you, pastor."
A boy up a tree, and a gentleman standing under it. "I"ll teach you to steal my plums, you scoundrel! I"ll tell your father." "What do I care?
My father steals himself." This picture is headed, "Good Fruit."
A family seated at dinner. _Mother._ "But, Elsie, naughty girl! what horrid manners you have! You eat only the cream, and leave the dumplings." _Elsie._ "Why, papa can eat them."
A man and woman of Jewish cast of countenance are seen at a p.a.w.nbroker"s sale. _Woman._ "Well, what will you buy for mother"s birthday?" _Man._ "A handsome dress, I think." _Woman._ "How unpractical you are! She can only live three or four years at most; and even in that short time a dress will be in rags. Let us buy for the dear old soul a pair of silver candlesticks. Then when she dies we shall have them back again."