October 31st, 1916.
Hallowe"en.
Dearest People:
Once more I"m taking the night-firing and so have a chance to write to you. I got letters from you all, and they each deserve answers, but I have so little time to write. We"ve been having beastly weather--drowned out of our little houses below ground, with rivers running through our beds. The mud is once more up to our knees and gets into whatever we eat. The wonder is that we keep healthy--I suppose it"s the open air. My throat never troubles me and I"m free from colds in spite of wet feet.
The main disadvantage is that we rarely get a chance to wash or change our clothes. Your ideas of an army with its b.u.t.tons all shining is quite erroneous; we look like drunk and disorderlies who have spent the night in the gutter--and we have the same instinct for fighting.
In the trenches the other day I heard mother"s Suffolk tongue and had a jolly talk with a chap who shared many of my memories. It was his first trip in and the Huns were sh.e.l.ling badly, but he didn"t seem at all upset.
We"re still hard at it and have given up all idea of a rest--the only way we"ll get one is with a blighty. You say how often you tell yourselves that the same moon looks down on me; it does, but on a scene how different! We advance over old battlefields--everything is blasted.
If you start digging, you turn up what"s left of something human. If there were any grounds for superst.i.tion, surely the places in which I have been should be ghost-haunted. One never thinks about it. For myself I have increasingly the feeling that I am protected by your prayers; I tell myself so when I am in danger.
Here I sit in an old sweater and muddy breeches, the very reverse of your picture of a soldier, and I imagine to myself your receipt of this.
Our chief interest is to enquire whether milk, jam and mail have come up from the wagon-lines; it seems a faery-tale that there are places where milk and jam can be had for the buying. See how simple we become.
Poor little house at Kootenay! I hate to think of it empty. We had such good times there twelve months ago. They have a song here to a nursery rhyme lilt, Apres le Guerre Finis; it goes on to tell of all the good times we"ll have when the war is ended. Every night I invent a new story of my own celebration of the event, usually, as when I was a kiddie, just before I fall asleep--only it doesn"t seem possible that the war will ever end.
I hear from the boys very regularly. There"s just the chance that I may get leave to London in the New Year and meet them before they set out. I always picture you with your heads high in the air. I"m glad to think of you as proud because of the pain we"ve made you suffer.
Once again I shall think of you on Papa"s birthday. I don"t think this will be the saddest he will have to remember. It might have been if we three boys had still all been with him. If I were a father, I would prefer at all costs that my sons should be men. What good comrades we"ve always been, and what long years of happy times we have in memory--all the way down from a little boy in a sailor-suit to Kootenay!
I fell asleep in the midst of this. I"ve now got to go out and start the other gun firing. With very much love.
Yours, CON.
XXV
November 1st, 1916.
My Dearest M.:
Peace after a storm! Your letter was not brought up by the water-wagon this evening, but by an orderly--the mud prevented wheel-traffic. I was just sitting down to read it when Fritz began to pay us too much attention. I put down your letter, grabbed my steel helmet, rushed out to see where the sh.e.l.ls were falling, and then cleared my men to a safer area. (By the way, did I tell you that I had been made Right Section Commander?) After about half an hour I came back and settled down by a fire made of smashed ammunition boxes in a stove borrowed from a ruined cottage. I"m always ashamed that my letters contain so little news and are so uninteresting. This thing is so big and dreadful that it does not bear putting down on paper. I read the papers with the accounts of singing soldiers and other rubbish; they depict us as though we were a lot of hair-brained idiots instead of men fully realising our danger, who plod on because it"s our duty. I"ve seen a good many men killed by now--we all have--consequently the singing soldier story makes us smile.
We"ve got a big job; we know that we"ve got to "Carry On" whatever happens--so we wear a stern grin and go to it. There"s far more heroism in the att.i.tude of men out here than in the footlight att.i.tude that journalists paint for the public. It isn"t a singing matter to go on firing a gun when gun-pits are going up in smoke within sight of you.
What a terrible desecration war is! You go out one week and look through your gla.s.ses at a green, smiling country-little churches, villages nestling among woods, white roads running across a green carpet; next week you see nothing but ruins and a country-side pitted with sh.e.l.l-holes. All night the machine guns tap like rivet-ting machines when a New York sky-sc.r.a.per is in the building. Then suddenly in the night a bombing attack will start, and the sky grows white with signal rockets. Orders come in for artillery retaliation, and your guns begin to stamp the ground like stallions; in the darkness on every side you can see them snorting fire. Then stillness again, while Death counts his harvest; the white rockets grow fainter and less hysterical. For an hour there is blackness.
My batman consoles himself with singing,
"Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag, And smile, smile, smile."
There"s a lot in his philosophy--it"s best to go on smiling even when some one who was once your pal lies forever silent in his blanket on a stretcher.
The great uplifting thought is that we have proved ourselves men. In our death we set a standard which in ordinary life we could never have followed. Inevitably we should have sunk below our highest self. Here we know that the world will remember us and that our loved ones, in spite of tears, will be proud of us. What G.o.d will say to us we cannot guess--but He can"t be too hard on men who did their duty. I think we all feel that trivial former failures are washed out by this final sacrifice. When little M. used to recite "Breathes there a man with soul so dead, who never to himself had said, "This is my own, my native land,"" I never thought that I should have the chance that has now been given to me. I feel a great and solemn grat.i.tude that I have been thought worthy. Life has suddenly become effective and worthy by reason of its carelessness of death.
By the way, that Princeton man I mentioned so long ago was killed forty yards away from me on my first trip into the trenches. Probably G. M"C.
and his other friends know by now. He was the first man I ever saw snuffed out.
I"m wearing your mittens and find them a great comfort. I"ll look forward to some more of your socks--I can do with plenty of them. If any of your friends are making things for soldiers, I wish you"d get them to send them to this battery, as they would be gratefully accepted by the men.
I wish I could come to _The Music Master_ with you. I wonder how long till we do all those intimately family things together again.
Good-bye, my dearest M. I live for home letters and am rarely disappointed.
G.o.d bless you, and love to you all.
Yours ever, CON.
XXVI
November 4th, 1916.
My Dearest Mother:
This morning I was wakened up in the gunpit where I was sleeping by the arrival of the most wonderful parcel of mail. It was really a kind of Christmas morning for me. My servant had lit a fire in a punctured petrol can and the place looked very cheery. First of all entered an enormous affair, which turned out to be a stove which C. had sent. Then there was a sand-bag containing all your gifts. You may bet I made for that first, and as each knot was undone remembered the loving hands that had done it up. I am now going up to a twenty-four-hour shift of observing, and shall take up the malted milk and some blocks of chocolate for a hot drink. It somehow makes you seem very near to me to receive things packed with your hands. When I go forward I shall also take candles and a copy of _Anne Veronica_ with me, so that if I get a chance I can forget time.
Always when I write to you odds and ends come to mind, smacking of local colour. After an attack some months ago I met a solitary private wandering across a sh.e.l.l-torn field, I watched him and thought something was wrong by the aimlessness of his progress. When I spoke to him, he looked at me mistily and said, "Dead men. Moonlit road." He kept on repeating the phrase, and it was all that one could get out of him.
Probably the dead men and the moonlit road were the last sights he had seen before he went insane.
Another touching thing happened two days ago. A Major turned up who had travelled fifty miles by motor lorries and any conveyance he could pick up on the road. He had left his unit to come to have a glimpse of our front-line trench where his son was buried. The boy had died there some days ago in going over the parapet. I persuaded him that he ought not to go alone, and that in any case it wasn"t a healthy spot. At last he consented to let me take him to a point from which he could see the ground over which his son had attacked and led his men. The sun was sinking behind us. He stood there very straightly, peering through my gla.s.ses--and then forgot all about me and began speaking to his son in childish love-words. "Gone West," they call dying out here--we rarely say that a man is dead. I found out afterwards that it was the boy"s mother the Major was thinking of when he pledged himself to visit the grave in the front-line.
But there are happier things than that. For instance, you should hear us singing at night in our dug-out--every tune we ever learnt, I believe. Silver Threads Among the Gold, In the Gloaming, The Star of Bethlehem, I Hear You Calling Me, interspersed with Everybody Works but Father, and Poor Old Adam, etc.
I wish I could know in time when I get my leave for you to come over and meet me. I"m going to spend my nine days in the most glorious ways imaginable. To start with I won"t eat anything that"s canned and, to go on, I won"t get out of bed till I feel inclined. And if you"re there--!
Dreams and nonsense! G.o.d bless you all and keep us near and safe though absent. Alive or "Gone West" I shall never be far from you; you may depend on that--and I shall always hope to feel you brave and happy.
This is a great game--cheese-mites pitting themselves against all the splendours of Death. Please, please write well ahead, so that I may not miss your Christmas letters.
Yours lovingly, CON.
XXVII
November 6th, 1916.
My Dear Ones:
Such a wonderful day it has been--I scarcely know where to start. I came down last night from twenty-four hours in the mud, where I had been observing. I"d spent the night in a hole dug in the side of the trench and a dead Hun forming part of the roof. I"d sat there re-living so many things--the ecstatic moments of my life when I first touched fame--and my feet were so cold that I could not feel them, so I thought all the harder of the pleasant things of the past. Then, as I say, I came back to the gun position to learn that I was to have one day off at the back of the lines. You can"t imagine what that meant to me--one day in a country that is green, one day where there is no sh.e.l.l-fire, one day where you don"t turn up corpses with your tread! For two months I have never left the guns except to go forward and I have never been from under sh.e.l.l-fire. All night long as I have slept the ground had been shaken by the stamping of the guns--and now after two months, to come back to comparative normality! The reason for this privilege being granted was that the powers that he had come to the conclusion that it was time I had a bath. Since I sleep in my clothes and water is too valuable for washing anything but the face and hands, they were probably right in their guess at my condition.