SHORNCLIFF, August 30th, 1916.
MY DEARESTS:
I have just returned from sending you a cable to let you know that I"m off to France. The word came out in orders yesterday, and I shall leave before the end of the week with a draft of officers--I have been in England just a day over four weeks. My only regret is that I shall miss the boys who should be travelling up to London about the same time as I am setting out for the Front. After I have been there for three months I am supposed to get a leave--this should be due to me about the beginning of December, and you can judge how I shall count on it. Think of the meeting with R. and E., and the immensity of the joy.
Selfishly I wish that you were here at this moment--actually I"m glad that you are away. Everybody goes out quite unemotionally and with very few good-byes--we made far more fuss in the old days about a week-end visit.
Now that at last it has come--this privileged moment for which I have worked and waited--my heart is very quiet. It"s the test of a character which I have often doubted. I shall be glad not to have to doubt it again. Whatever happens, I know you will be glad to remember that at a great crisis I tried to play the man, however small my qualifications.
We have always lived so near to one another"s affections that this going out alone is more lonely to me than to most men. I have always had some one near at hand with love-blinded eyes to see my faults as springing from higher motives. Now I reach out my hands across six thousand miles and only touch yours with my imagination to say good-bye. What queer sights these eyes, which have been almost your eyes, will witness! If my hands do anything respectable, remember that it is your hands that are doing it. It is your influence as a family that has made me ready for the part I have to play, and where I go, you follow me.
Poor little circle of three loving persons, please be tremendously brave. Don"t let anything turn you into cowards--we"ve all got to be worthy of each other"s sacrifice; the greater the sacrifice may prove to be for the one the greater the n.o.bility demanded of the remainder. How idle the words sound, and yet they will take deep meanings when time has given them graver sanctions. I think gallant is the word I"ve been trying to find--we must be gallant English women and gentlemen.
It"s been raining all day and I got very wet this morning. Don"t you wish I had caught some quite harmless sickness? When I didn"t want to go back to school, I used to wet my socks purposely in order to catch cold, but the cold always avoided me when I wanted it badly. How far away the childish past seems--almost as though it never happened. And was I really the budding novelist in New York? Life has become so stern and scarlet--and so brave. From my window I look out on the English Channel, a cold, grey-green sea, with rain driving across it and a fleet of small craft taking shelter. Over there beyond the curtain of mist lies France--and everything that awaits me.
News has just come that I have to start. Will continue from France.
Yours ever lovingly, Con.
VII
Friday, September 1st, 1916, 11 am.
DEAREST FATHER AND MOTHER:
I embark at 12.30--so this is the last line before I reach France. I expect the boys are now within sight of English sh.o.r.es--I wish I could have had an hour with them.
I"m going to do my best to bring you honour--remember that--I shall do things for your sake out there, living up to the standards you have taught me.
Yours with a heart full of love, Con.
VIII
FRANCE, September 1st, 1916.
DEAREST M.:
Here I am in France with the same strange smells and street cries, and almost the same little boys bowling hoops over the very cobbly cobble stones. I had afternoon tea at a patisserie and ate a great many gateaux for the sake of old times. We had a very choppy crossing, and you would most certainly have been sick had you been on board. It seemed to me that I must be coming on one of those romantic holidays to see churches and dead history--only the khaki-clad figures reminded me that I was coming to see history in the making. It"s a funny world that batters us about so. It"s three years since I was in France--the last time was with Arthur in Provence. It"s five years since you and I did our famous trip together.
I wish you were here--there are heaps of English nurses in the streets.
I expect to sleep in this place and proceed to my destination to-morrow.
How I wish I could send you a really descriptive letter! If I did, I fear you would not get it--so I have to write in generalities. None of this seems real--it"s a kind of wild pretence from which I shall awake-and when I tell you my dream you"ll laugh and say, "How absurd of you, dreaming that you were a soldier. I must say you look like it."
Good-bye, my dearest girl, G.o.d bless you, Con.
IX
September 8th, 1916.
MY DEAREST ONES:
I"m sending this to meet you on your return from Kootenay. I left England on September 1st and had a night at my point of disembarkation, and then set off on a wandering adventure in search of my division. I"m sure you"ll understand that I cannot enter into any details--I can only give you general and purely personal impressions. There were two other officers with me, both from Montreal. We had to picnic on chocolate and wine for twenty-four hours through our lack of forethought in not supplying ourselves with food for the trip. I shaved the first morning with water from the exhaust of a railroad engine, having first balanced my mirror on the step. The engineer was fascinated with my safety razor.
There were Tommies from the trenches in another train, muddied to the eyes--who showed themselves much more resourceful. They cooked themselves quite admirable meals as they squatted on the rails, over little fires on which they perched tomato cans. Sunday evening we saw our first German prisoners--a young and degenerate-looking lot. Sunday evening we got off at a station in the rain, and shouldered our own luggage. Our luggage, by the way, consists of a sleeping bag, in which much of our stuff is packed, and a kit sack--for an immediate change and toilet articles one carries a haversack hung across the shoulder. Well, as I say, we alighted and coaxed a military wagon to come to our rescue.
As we set off through a drizzling rain, trudging behind the cart, a double rainbow shone, which I took for an omen. Presently we came to a rest camp, where we told our sad story of empty tummies, and were put up for the night. A Jock--all Highlanders are called Jock--looked after us.
Next morning we started out afresh in a motor lorry and finished at a Y.M.C.A. tent, where we stayed two nights. On Wednesday we met the General in Command of our Division, who posted me to the battery, which is said to be the best in the best brigade in the best division--so you may see I"m in luck. I found the battery just having come out of action--we expect to go back again in a day or two. Major B. is the O.C.--a fine man. The lieutenant who shares my tent won the Military Cross at Ypres last Spring. I"m very happy--which will make you happy--and longing for my first taste of real war.
How strangely far away I am from you--all the experiences so unshared and different. Long before this reaches you I shall have been in action several times. This time three years ago my streak of luck came to me and I was prancing round New York. To-day I am much more genuinely happy in mind, for I feel, as I never felt when I was only writing, that I am doing something difficult which has no element of self in it. If I come back, life will be a much less restless affair.
This letter! I can imagine it being delivered and the shout from whoever takes it and the comments. I make the contrast in my mind--this little lean-to spread of canvas about four feet high, the horse-lines, guns, sentries going up and down--and then the dear home and the well-loved faces.
Good-bye. Don"t be at all nervous.
Yours lovingly, Con.
X
September 12th, Tuesday.
DEAREST M.:
You will already have received my first letters giving you my address over here. The wagon has just come up to our position, but it has brought me only one letter since I"ve been across. I"m sitting in my dug-out with sh.e.l.ls pa.s.sing over my head with the sound of ripping linen. I"ve already had the novel experience of firing a battery, and to-morrow I go up to the first line trenches.
It"s extraordinary how commonplace war becomes to a man who is thrust among others who consider it commonplace. Not fifty yards away from me a dead German lies rotting and uncovered--I daresay he was buried once and then blown out by a sh.e.l.l.
Wednesday, 7 p.m.
Your letters came two hours ago--the first to reach me here--and I have done little else but read and re-read them. How they bring the old ways of life back with their love and longing! Dear mother"s tie will be worn to-morrow, and it will be ripping to feel that it was made by her hands.
Your cross has not arrived yet, dear. Your mittens will be jolly for the winter. I"ve heard nothing from the boys yet.
To-day I took a trip into No-Man"s Land--when the war is ended I"ll be able to tell you all about it. I think the picture is photographed upon my memory forever. There"s so much you would like to hear and so little I"m allowed to tell. Ask G.M."C. if he was at Princeton with a man named Price--an instructor there.
You ought to see the excitement when the water-cart brings us our mail and the letters are handed out. Some of the gunners have evidently told their Canadian girls that they are officers, and so they are addressed on their letters as lieutenants. I have to censor some of their replies, and I can tell you they are as often funny as pathetic. The ones to their mothers are childish, too, and have rows of kisses. I think men are always kiddies if you look beneath the surface. The snapshots did fill me with a wanting to be with you in Kootenay. But that"s not where you"ll receive this. There"ll probably be a fire in the sitting-room at home, and a strong aroma of coffee and tobacco. You"ll be sitting in a low chair before the fire and your fingers rubbing the hair above your left ear as you read this aloud. I"d like to walk in on you and say, "No more need for letters now." Some day soon, I pray and expect.
Tell dear Papa and Mother that their answers come next. What a lot of love you each one manage to put into your written pages! I"m afraid if I let myself go that way I might make you unhappy.
Since writing this far I have had supper. I"m now sleeping in a new dug-out and get a shower of mould on my sleeping-kit each time the guns are fired. One doesn"t mind that particularly, especially when you know that the earth walls make you safe. I have a candle in an old petrol tin and dodge the shadows as I write. You know, this artillery game is good sport and one takes everything as it comes with a joke. The men are splendid--their cheeriness comes up bubbling whenever the occasion calls for the dumps. Certainly there are fine qualities which war, despite its unnaturalness, develops. I"m hats off to every infantry private I meet nowadays.