G.o.d bless you all, CON.
XIX
October 14th, 1916.
DEAREST MOTHER:
I"m still all right and well. To-day I had the funniest experience of my life--got caught in a Hun curtain of fire and had to lie on my tummy for two hours in a trench with the sh.e.l.ls bursting five yards from me--and never a scratch. You know how I used to wonder what I"d do under such circ.u.mstances. Well, I laughed. All I could think of was the sleek people walking down Fifth Avenue, and the equally sleek crowds taking tea at the Waldorf. It struck me as ludicrous that I, who had been one of them, should be lying there lunchless. For a little while I was slightly deaf with the concussions.
That poem keeps on going through my head,
Oh, to come home once more, when the dusk is falling, To see the nursery lighted and the children"s table spread; "Mother, mother, mother!" the eager voices calling, "The baby was so sleepy that he had to go to bed!"
Wouldn"t it be good, instead of sitting in a Hun dug-out?
Yours lovingly, CON.
XX
October 15th, 1916.
Dear Ones:
We"re still in action, but are in hopes that soon we may be moved to winter quarters. We"ve had our taste of mud, and are anxious to move into better quarters before we get our next. I think I told you that our O.C. had got wounded in the feet, and our right section commander got it in the shoulder a little earlier--so we"re a bit short-handed and find ourselves with plenty of work.
I have curiously lucid moments when recent happenings focus themselves in what seems to be their true perspective. The other night I was Forward Observation officer on one of our recent battlefields. I had to watch the front all night for signals, etc. There was a full white moon sailing serenely overhead, and when I looked at it I could almost fancy myself back in the old melancholy pomp of autumn woodlands where the leaves were red, not with the colour of men"s blood. My mind went back to so many by-gone days-especially to three years ago. I seemed so vastly young then, upon reflection. For a little while I was full of regrets for many things wasted, and then I looked at the battlefield with its scattered kits and broken rifles. Nothing seemed to matter very much. A rat came out-then other rats. I stood there feeling extraordinarily aloof from all things that can hurt, and--you"ll smile--I planned a novel. O, if I get back, how differently I shall write! When you"ve faced the worst in so many forms, you lose your fear and arrive at peace. There"s a marvellous grandeur about all this carnage and desolation--men"s souls rise above the distress--they have to in order to survive. When you see how cheap men"s bodies are you cannot help but know that the body is the least part of personality.
You can let up on your nervousness when you get this, for I shall almost certainly be in a safer zone. We"ve done more than our share and must be withdrawn soon. There"s hardly a battery which does not deserve a dozen D.S.O."s with a V.C. or two thrown in.
It"s 4.30 now--you"ll be in church and, I hope, wearing my flowers. Wait till I come back and you shall go to church with the biggest bunch of roses that ever were pinned to a feminine chest. I wonder when that will be.
We have heaps of humour out here. You should have seen me this morning, sitting on the gun-seat while my batman cut my hair. A sand-bag was spread over my shoulders in place of a towel and the gun-detachment stood round and gave advice. I don"t know what I look like, for I haven"t dared to gaze into my shaving mirror.
Good luck to us all, CON
XXI
October 18th, 1910
Dearest M.:
I"ve come down to the lines to-day; to-morrow I go back again. I"m sitting alone in a deep chalk dug-out--it is 10 p.m. and I have lit a fire by splitting wood with a bayonet. Your letters from Montreal reached me yesterday. They came up in the water-cart when we"d all begun to despair of mail. It was wonderful the silence that followed while every one went back home for a little while, and most of them met their best girls. We"ve fallen into the habit of singing in parts. Jerusalem the Golden is a great favourite as we wait for our breakfast--we go through all our favourite songs, including Poor Old Adam Was My Father.
Our greatest favourite is one which is symbolising the hopes that are in so many hearts on this greatest battlefield in history. We sing it under sh.e.l.l-fire as a kind of prayer, we sing it as we struggle knee-deep in the appalling mud, we sing it as we sit by a candle in our deep captured German dug-outs. It runs like this:
"There"s a long, long trail a-winding Into the land of my dreams, Where the nightingales are singing And a white moon beams:
There"s a long, long night of waiting Until my dreams all come true; Till the day when I"ll be going down That long, long trail with you."
You ought to be able to get it, and then you will be singing it when I"m doing it.
No, I don"t know what to ask from you for Christmas--unless a plum pudding and a general surprise box of sweets and food stuffs. If you don"t mind my suggesting it, I wouldn"t a bit mind a Christmas box at once--a schoolboy"s tuck box. I wear the locket, cross, and tie all the time as kind of charms against danger--they give me the feeling of loving hands going with me everywhere.
G.o.d bless you.
Yours ever, CON.
XXII
October 23, 1916
Dearest All:
As you know I have been in action ever since I left England and am still. I"ve lived in various extemporised dwellings and am at present writing from an eight foot deep hole dug in the ground and covered over with galvanised iron and sand-bags. We have made ourselves very comfortable, and a fire is burning--I correct that--comfortable until it rains, I should say, when the water finds its own level. We have just finished with two days of penetrating rain and mist--in the trenches the mud was up to my knees, so you can imagine the joy of wading down these sh.e.l.l-torn tunnels. Good thick socks have been priceless.
You"ll be pleased to hear that two days ago I was made Right Section Commander--which is fairly rapid promotion. It means a good deal more work and responsibility, but it gives me a contact with the men which I like.
I don"t know when I"ll get leave--not for another two months anyway. It would be ripping if I had word in time for you to run over to England for the brief nine days.
I plan novels galore and wonder whether I shall ever write them the way I see them now. My imagination is to an extent crushed by the stupendousness of reality. I think I am changed in some stern spiritual way--stripped of flabbiness. I am perhaps harder--I can"t say. That I should be a novelist seems unreasonable--it"s so long since I had my own way in the world and met any one on artistic terms. But I have enough ego left to be very interested in my book. And by the way, when we"re out at the front and the battery wants us to come in they simply phone up the pa.s.sword, "Slaves of Freedom," the meaning of which we all understand.
You are ever in my thoughts, and I pray the day may not be far distant when we meet again.
CON.
XXIII
October 27th, 1916.
Dearest Family:
All to-day I"ve been busy registering our guns. There is little chance of rest--one would suppose that we intended to end the war by spring.
Two new officers joined our battery from England, which makes the work lighter. One of them brings the news that D., one of the two officers who crossed over from England with me and wandered through France with me in search of our Division, is already dead. He was a corking fellow, and I"m very sorry. He was caught by a sh.e.l.l in the head and legs.