Teagan roughly wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and inhaled shakily. "But I should have stayed, Noah."
"Doesn"t matter now," I shot back, dismissing her regret and the burning pain in my chest. "I was in a bad f.u.c.king way after the crash, Thorn," I said, continuing quickly. "My ribs were all f.u.c.ked up and I had a concussion so when Reese handed me a s.h.i.tload of painkillers I didn"t think twice about taking them before telling her to go."
Teagan"s face contorted in actual pain, but I didn"t let that stop me. I was getting this off my chest once and for all, regardless of the painful memories it was resurfacing.
"And then, when I was out of it and too f.u.c.king drowsy to know who was there," I snarled, chest heaving with anger and pain. "Reese Tanner climbed on top of me and raped me."
"No." Teagan voice was laced with desperation and anger as she shook her head, fervently denying what I had told her like I knew she would.
"Yes," I shot back, just as pa.s.sionately. "You wanted the truth, Thorn, well there it is."
"She didn"t... She couldn"t have. I saw you with her," she rambled, voice rising hysterically. "You were enjoying it, Noah."
"Because I thought it was you," I roared back hoa.r.s.ely.
"This makes no sense," she muttered, arguing with herself. "I know what I saw." Throwing off the towel she had around her shoulders, she leapt up and paced the floor. "Why didn"t you report it?"
"I did, Teagan, and they didn"t believe me either laughed in my G.o.dd.a.m.n face," I added, running a hand through my hair and laughing harshly. My body was trembling, but I forced myself to continue and lay everything out there. "When I came to and saw you leaving, I lost my G.o.dd.a.m.n mind and went after you "
"You followed me?" she whispered, covering her mouth with her hand. She took a step towards me before taking two steps back.
"d.a.m.n f.u.c.kin straight I followed you," I shot back, chest heaving. "You were my whole life. I wasn"t about to sit back and watch you leave me."
"But you said you were on house arrest." Her brows furrowed. "And you totaled your car at the quarry the night before, so how did you even follow me..." Her voice trailed off and her eyes widened as the pieces of the jigsaw fell into place in her mind. "Oh Noah," she croaked out. "What did you do?"
"I broke into your uncle"s house, swiped your car keys, and stole your car," I tossed out without shame or remorse. "I wrecked that too, in case you were wondering." I laughed harshly. "Your uncle loved that. f.u.c.ker threw me under the bus for it."
"He pressed charges on you?" she demanded, appalled, as she closed the gap between us.
"Of course he did," I hissed, throwing my head back in a f.u.c.ked up mix of pain and agitation. "He wouldn"t pa.s.s up the opportunity to keep you away from me for an extra year or two."
"I can"t get my head around this," she whispered, pressing her fingers against her temples. "I can"t..."
"Can"t or don"t want to?" I shot back in disgust.
She blanched. "What do you mean?"
"You wanted an explanation, and I gave you one. You needed an outlet for your anger and I let you use my body as a punching bag." Reaching out, I caught her chin and lifted her face, forcing her to look me in the eyes and f.u.c.king hear me. "But if you"re waiting on me to apologize for something I didn"t do, then you"ll be waiting until h.e.l.l freezes over."
"You"re not perfect in this either, Noah," she screamed, pressing her small hands against my chest, putting s.p.a.ce between our bodies. "You lied to me too," she rambled, clutching at straws. "You were supposed to get on that plane with me. But you didn"t. You left me."
"That was different," I replied flatly, leaning against the lockers behind me.
"How?" she demanded, getting up in my face once again. "How is you leaving me any different?"
"Because I left you to save your G.o.dd.a.m.n life," I roared, cupping the back of her neck and dragging her closer to me. "They knew you were my weakness and if I didn"t fight that night they would have gone after you. They would have used you against me hurt you to hurt me. I was always coming back for you, but I couldn"t put your life in danger."
Pressing my forehead against hers, I inhaled short fast breaths as I struggled to remain in control of myself. "Admit you were wrong, Thorn," I hissed, eyes locked on hers. "Just say it and we can move on."
She shook her head as tears trickled down her cheeks. "I can"t."
"What the h.e.l.l is wrong with you?" I demanded, releasing her roughly. "Why can"t you just swallow that d.a.m.n pride of yours?"
"How can I believe you?" she whispered almost franticly as she clawed at her hair. "How can I be sure you"re not making this up? You walk back into my life after all these years and expect me to believe this...c.r.a.p?"
"Because I"ve never lied to you," I roared, furious and hurt. "Not f.u.c.king once. And somewhere deep down in that frozen f.u.c.king heart of yours, you know it."
"This is too much." Dropping her head, she let out a harsh sob. "It hurts too much."
"It doesn"t matter anyway," I said wearily, feeling the last glimmer of hope inside of me shrivel up and die. Shaking my head, I turned around and grabbed my bag out of my locker before throwing it over my shoulder. "Believe what you want, Thorn. I"m done."
She swung around and gaped at me. "What do you mean?"
"I mean it"s over, Teagan," I told her. "I"m done."
"Why?"
"Why?" One word that caused the rage inside of me to explode violently. "Why?" I repeated again, unable to believe my f.u.c.king ears. "Are you actually asking me that?"
"Yes why," she choked out, rushing around me to block the doorway. "Why did you come back for me? Why did you sleep with me and tell me all this if you"re done?"
"Because I wanted to prove a point," I roared in her face. "I wanted to see if I could still get you on your back with your legs spread open, and it turns out I can." I was an a.s.shole being unnecessarily cruel to her, and I knew I should stop, but I was f.u.c.king wounded. She didn"t believe me. She doubted me like every other motherf.u.c.ker and I couldn"t get past it. "You were an itch I needed to scratch Teagan. That"s all."
"Fine," she screamed. "Walk away. Leave me."
I didn"t respond. Instead, I turned my back on her and stormed out of the changing room.
"Wanna talk about it?"
Those were the first words Lucky said to me when I walked through the doors of the gym.
I shook my head.
"Just get me the h.e.l.l out of here, man."
"I"m on it." He fell into step with me as I stalked up the back stairwell of the gym and out into the street.
Cameras flashed in my face the second I stepped out the front entrance and into the heavy shower of rain.
People called out my name, looking for a picture and an autograph but I couldn"t do it.
Not today.
Not with the f.u.c.king blonde fruitcake from my past and that look of disbelief in her eyes. G.o.ddammit, fighting was my sanctuary and in the ring I was king. I couldn"t afford to lose focus. I had to stay in control. Teagan was blowing everything I had spent the last eighteen months working for to pieces.
"Noah, wait!" Teagan called out when I reached the rental car, and I threw my head back and cursed loudly.
Ignoring every ounce of common sense I had inside of me that was demanding I ignore her and walk the f.u.c.k away for once and for all, I turned around.
FEAR OF LOSING HIM PERMANENTLY propelled me as I scrambled through the crowd that had formed outside the entrance of the gym, calling out his name at the top of my lungs. "So that"s what this was all about for you to prove a point?" I asked, breathless when I reached his side. "Why would you do that to me?"
My eyes landed on the cut on his cheekbone and I cringed. I shouldn"t have put my hands on him. Violence was never the answer. I knew this, but when I was around him, my brain checked out and my heart did the thinking. And right now my heart was hurt, angry, and confused. I was losing it. Everything I had worked for was crumbling down around me. I was falling in love with him all over again and it was overwhelming me.
"Careful, Thorn." Noah"s words were laced with sarcasm as he glared down at me. "Keep chasing after me like this and I"m gonna start to think you care."
"I do care!" I shot back, teeth chattering, as my whole body trembled. "You think I walked away and didn"t think about you?" I knew that"s what he thought. "Well you"re wrong. I did think about you. Every day. Dammit, Noah, I left because I loved you," I admitted, voice breaking. "And the pain of your betrayal hurt me more than anything in my entire life."
"I"m not doing this with you again," he warned me.
Rain poured down on us, soaking our clothes, exposing my vulnerability and his. And when Noah turned to get into the car, I lost it. "Don"t go!" I strangled out, grabbing his forearm to stop him from climbing into his car to stop him from leaving me.
"Give me one good reason to stay," he roared, his big body trembling, as he gripped the car door with more force than needed.
Stay because I can"t bear the thought of losing you again.
Stay because I"m a f.u.c.king mess without you.
Stay because I"m never as alive as I am when I"m with you.
Stay because I need you in my life...
All of the reasons I had inside of me and I couldn"t speak a word. I couldn"t make my lips form them because I knew that If I admitted it out loud, if I verbalized the fact that I had been wrong about Noah, that I was to blame for my own broken heart and seven years of misery. Then I would be to blame for him being left in a prison cell alone to rot, and I was fairly certain that guilt would consume me.
I was in love with him before I knew the truth, and now, I felt like I was drowning in emotions.
But instead I just stood there like the stubborn coward I was, begging him with my eyes to not leave, feeling the ground disintegrate beneath my feet as he retreated from me.
"I thought so," he growled, pulling his hand roughly away.
I stood motionless, with my hands wrapped around myself, as I watched Noah turn away from me and climb into the pa.s.senger seat. He slammed the door shut and stared straight ahead as the car pulled off.
"d.a.m.n, THAT WAS PAINFUL TO WATCH," Lucky said when we were back in my hotel suite. Grabbing an armful of beers and a bottle of tequila from the minibar, he dropped them down on the coffee table in the sitting room before going back for a couple of shot gla.s.ses. "What a f.u.c.king train wreck." He let out a heavy sigh as he flipped the cap off with this lighter. "And her face when we drove away?" He shook his head. "I"ve never seen a woman wear devastation like that."
"Let it go," I warned him. Walking over to the couch, I sank down, bone tired and demoralized. Leaning forward, I rested my elbows on my knees and dropped my head in my hands. The image of Teagan"s tearstained face and her voice when she asked me to stay was haunting me. I didn"t need Lucky"s running f.u.c.king commentary. I"d experienced the devastation firsthand. "It"s over," I added in a gruff tone. "Case closed."
"You"ve got a serious case of denial, man. The worst I"ve seen." Shrugging, Lucky took a slug of his beer from his bottle before settling down on the couch next to me. "Do you love her?"
Letting out a groan, I rubbed my face with the palm of my hand before grabbing my beer off the table and swigging it back. "You"ve met her you"ve seen her in action. I"m not a m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.t, dude. I don"t take pleasure in having strips torn off me. Of course I f.u.c.king love her." Whether I still loved her or not didn"t change the facts. And the facts were Teagan and I couldn"t be in each other"s company without arguing.
Slamming the bottle back down on the table, I picked up the shot gla.s.s of tequila Lucky had poured out for me and tossed it back. "I can"t not love her," I hissed, feeling the alcohol burn through me. "But I can"t trust her either," I admitted gruffly. There was so much hurt still there, so much f.u.c.king water had gone under the bridge that I wasn"t sure if we would ever get past it.
"Why?" he straight-out asked me.
"Because "
"Because she walked away?" he filled in for me. "And you"re afraid that if you let her back in she"ll do it again?"
"All right, Dr. Phil," I grumbled sarcastically, feeling a little unnerved that Lucky had hit the nail on the head. "Give the psychoa.n.a.lysis a break."
"Messina, there"s a reason you took the fight against Bishop and it"s the same reason you didn"t use protection. You know it and so do I," he told me. "It"s because of her."
Of course it was because of her.
Everything I had done since the age of seventeen was because of her because to me, she was everything. That"s why it hurt so f.u.c.king much when I looked her in the eyes today, told her the truth, and was met with disbelief.
"Doesn"t matter anyway," I tossed out. "By this time next week I"ll be back on home soil and won"t have time to think about her." I had a nationwide tour of North America with the MFA coming up. I was flying home in a couple of days and should be concentrating on that. I didn"t need the distraction and f.u.c.king upheaval in my life that came with loving that woman. I needed to put her in the past.
"You sure about that?" Lucky asked, unconvinced.
"Abso-f.u.c.king-lutely." Slugging back the remainder of my beer, I nodded firmly, forcing myself to believe my own words even though deep down I knew it was my pride talking; the absolute f.u.c.king hurt and horror of having Teagan look me in the eyes and not believe me. "Once I"m back on the road she won"t even be on my radar."
"What a f.u.c.king horrifying feeling that must be," Lucky mused sadly. Shaking his head, he stood up and stretched his arms out. "To push the one person you"ve worked so hard to prove you are worthy of away."
"What?" I asked, deadpan, with my bottle resting against my bottom lip.
"You love her, Noah," Lucky shouted. "And the girl I met today loves you right back, man." He threw his hand up in the air, clearly agitated. "Every move you"ve made since I"ve known you has been to get her back. To prove to her that you are worthy. Because in your mind she is it. And that f.u.c.king terrifies you. Be honest with yourself, man," he said earnestly. "You are scared s.h.i.tless that it"s not enough that you aren"t not enough "
"Of course I"m scared!" I roared. "She drives me crazy." Flinging my beer bottle across the room, I jerked to my feet, agitated and fuming. "She is f.u.c.king crazy. I never know where I stand with her," I snarled, chest heaving. "There isn"t a d.a.m.n thing I wouldn"t do for that woman and the thought alone terrifies me." I ran a hand roughly through my hair and hissed in frustration. "Thorn has the ability to bring me to my knees, Lucky. She is f.u.c.king lethal to me."
"So f.u.c.king what," he countered, not missing a beat. "Love is crazy. It"s insane, and that burning intensity you two share?" He shook his head. "That"s rare, man. That"s a once in a lifetime kind of deal."
"Why do you even care?" I asked, furious. "What"s it to you?"
"Because you"re my brother, dips.h.i.t," Lucky shot back just as furious. "You"re my f.u.c.king family, man, and there"s no way in h.e.l.l I"m gonna sit back and watch you walk away from your future."
"What do I do, man?" I choked out. "How do I fix this?"
"You do what you do best," Lucky replied, patting my shoulder. "Fight."
Lucky was right.
Teagan had been the focal point of my life since I was seventeen years old. I could lie and pretend to myself all I wanted but the truth was still there. And the truth was, Teagan Connolly was all I had ever wanted and I was fairly certain she was all I would ever want.
I needed to fight for this.
I needed to fight for us.
"DID YOU GET DRESSED without drying again, Teegs? You look like a drowned cat."
Those were the first words that came out of Sean"s mouth when he opened his apartment door and noticed my appearance.
In the heat of the moment and in the middle of my mental breakdown, Sean was the one person I could think of to go to. Hope was in America. I didn"t have any family. And Liam...well, Liam wasn"t an option anymore. "I can"t...breathe," I gasped as I barreled into his arms and held onto him for dear life, crying hard and ugly. "I can"t...oh G.o.d, Sean..."
Raped.
Noah said he was raped.
Reese had raped him.