"Why, Thady, you were telling me yesterday that Sir Condy had sold all entirely to Jason, and where then does all them guineas in the handkerchief come from?"
"They are the purchase-money of my lady"s jointure," says I.
Judy looks a little bit puzzled at this. "A penny for your thoughts, Judy," says my shister; "hark, sure Sir Condy is drinking her health."
He was at the table in the room [THE ROOM--the princ.i.p.al room in the house], drinking with the excise-man and the gauger, who came up to see his honour, and we were standing over the fire in the kitchen.
"I don"t much care is he drinking my health or not," says Judy; "and it is not Sir Condy I"m thinking of, with all your jokes, whatever he is of me."
"Sure you wouldn"t refuse to be my Lady Rackrent, Judy, if you had the offer?" says I.
"But if I could do better!" says she.
"How better?" says I and my shister both at once.
"How better?" says she. "Why, what signifies it to be my Lady Rackrent and no castle? Sure what good is the car, and no horse to draw it?"
"And where will ye get the horse, Judy?" says I.
"Never mind that," says she; "maybe it is your own son Jason might find that."
"Jason!" says I; "don"t be trusting to him, Judy. Sir Condy, as I have good reason to know, spoke well of you when Jason spoke very indifferently of you, Judy."
"No matter," says Judy; "it"s often men speak the contrary just to what they think of us."
"And you the same way of them, no doubt," answered I. "Nay, don"t he denying it, Judy, for I think the better of ye for it, and shouldn"t be proud to call ye the daughter of a shister"s son of mine, if I was to hear ye talk ungrateful, and anyway disrespectful of his honour."
"What disrespect," says she, "to say I"d rather, if it was my luck, be the wife of another man?"
"You"ll have no luck, mind my words, Judy," says I; and all I remembered about my poor master"s goodness in tossing up for her afore he married at all came across me, and I had a choking in my throat that hindered me to say more.
"Better luck, anyhow, Thady," says she, "than to be like some folk, following the fortunes of them that have none left."
Oh! King of Glory!" says I, "hear the pride and ungrat.i.tude of her, and he giving his last guineas but a minute ago to her childer, and she with the fine shawl on her he made her a present of but yesterday!"
"Oh, troth, Judy, you"re wrong now," says my shister, looking at the shawl.
"And was not he wrong yesterday, then," says she, "to be telling me I was greatly altered, to affront me?"
"But, Judy," says I, "what is it brings you here then at all in the mind you are in; is it to make Jason think the better of you?"
"I"ll tell you no more of my secrets, Thady," says she, "nor would have told you this much, had I taken you for such an unnatural fader as I find you are, not to wish your own son prefarred to another."
"Oh, troth, you are wrong now, Thady," says my shister.
Well, I was never so put to it in my life: between these womens, and my son and my master, and all I felt and thought just now, I could not, upon my conscience, tell which was the wrong from the right. So I said not a word more, but was only glad his honour had not the luck to hear all Judy had been saying of him, for I reckoned it would have gone nigh to break his heart; not that I was of opinion he cared for her as much as she and my shister fancied, but the ungrat.i.tude of the whole from Judy might not plase him; and he could never stand the notion of not being well spoken of or beloved like behind his back. Fortunately for all parties concerned, he was so much elevated at this time, there was no danger of his understanding anything, even if it had reached his ears. There was a great horn at the Lodge, ever since my master and Captain Moneygawl was in together, that used to belong originally to the celebrated Sir Patrick, his ancestor; and his honour was fond often of telling the story that he learned from me when a child, how Sir Patrick drank the full of this horn without stopping, and this was what no other man afore or since could without drawing breath. Now Sir Condy challenged the gauger, who seemed to think little of the horn, to swallow the contents, and had it filled to the brim with punch; and the gauger said it was what he could not do for nothing, but he"d hold Sir Condy a hundred guineas he"d do it.
"Done," says my master; "I"ll lay you a hundred golden guineas to a tester you don"t." [TESTER: sixpence; from the French word TETE, a head--a piece of silver stamped with a head, which in old French was called UN TESTION, and which was about the value of an old English sixpence. "Tester" is used in Shakspeare.]
"Done," says the gauger; and done and done"s enough between two gentlemen. The gauger was cast, and my master won the bet, and thought he"d won a hundred guineas, but by the wording it was adjudged to be only a tester that was his due by the exciseman. It was all one to him; he was as well pleased, and I was glad to see him in such spirits again.
The gauger--bad luck to him!--was the man that next proposed to my master to try himself, could he take at a draught the contents of the great horn.
"Sir Patrick"s horn!" said his honour; "hand it to me: I"ll hold you your own bet over again I"ll swallow it."
"Done," says the gauger; "I"ll lay ye anything at all you do no such thing."
"A hundred guineas to sixpence I do," says he; "bring me the handkerchief." I was loth, knowing he meant the handkerchief with the gold in it, to bring it out in such company, and his honour not very able to reckon it. "Bring me the handkerchief, then, Thady," says he, and stamps with his foot; so with that I pulls it out of my greatcoat pocket, where I had put it for safety. Oh, how it grieved me to see the guineas counting upon the table, and they the last my master had! Says Sir Condy to me, "Your hand is steadier than mine to-night, old Thady, and that"s a wonder; fill you the horn for me." And so, wishing his honour success, I did; but I filled it, little thinking of what would befall him. He swallows it down, and drops like one shot. We lifts him up, and he was speechless, and quite black in the face. We put him to bed, and in a short time he wakened, raving with a fever on his brain.
He was shocking either to see or hear.
"Judy! Judy! have you no touch of feeling? Won"t you stay to help us nurse him?" says I to her, and she putting on her shawl to go out of the house.
"I"m frightened to see him," says she, "and wouldn"t nor couldn"t stay in it; and what use? He can"t last till the morning." With that she ran off. There was none but my shister and myself left near him of all the many friends he had.
The fever came and went, and came and went, and lasted five days, and the sixth he was sensible for a few minutes, and said to me, knowing me very well, "I"m in a burning pain all withinside of me, Thady." I could not speak, but my shister asked him would he have this thing or t"other to do him good? "No," says he, "nothing will do me good no more," and he gave a terrible screech with the torture he was in; then again a minute"s ease--"brought to this by drink," says he. "Where are all the friends?--where"s Judy? Gone, hey? Ay, Sir Condy has been a fool all his days," said he; and there was the last word he spoke, and died. He had but a very poor funeral after all.
If you want to know any more, I"m not very well able to tell you; but my Lady Rackrent did not die, as was expected of her, but was only disfigured in the face ever after by the fall and bruises she got; and she and Jason, immediately after my poor master"s death, set about going to law about that jointure; the memorandum not being on stamped paper, some say it is worth nothing, others again it may do; others say Jason won"t have the lands at any rate; many wishes it so. For my part, I"m tired wishing for anything in this world, after all I"ve seen in it; but I"ll say nothing--it would be a folly to be getting myself ill-will in my old age. Jason did not marry, nor think of marrying Judy, as I prophesied, and I am not sorry for it: who is? As for all I have here set down from memory and hearsay of the family, there"s nothing but truth in it from beginning to end. That you may depend upon, for where"s the use of telling lies about the things which everybody knows as well as I do?
The Editor could have readily made the catastrophe of Sir Condy"s history more dramatic and more pathetic, if he thought it allowable to varnish the plain round tale of faithful Thady. He lays it before the English reader as a specimen of manners and characters which are perhaps unknown in England. Indeed, the domestic habits of no nation in Europe were less known to the English than those of their sister country, till within these few years.
Mr. Young"s picture of Ireland, in his tour through that country, was the first faithful portrait of its inhabitants. All the features in the foregoing sketch were taken from the life, and they are characteristic of that mixture of quickness, simplicity, cunning, carelessness, dissipation, disinterestedness, shrewdness, and blunder, which, in different forms and with various success, has been brought upon the stage or delineated in novels.
It is a problem of difficult solution to determine whether a union will hasten or r.e.t.a.r.d the amelioration of this country. The few gentlemen of education who now reside in this country will resort to England. They are few, but they are in nothing inferior to men of the same rank in Great Britain. The best that can happen will be the introduction of British manufacturers in their places.
Did the Warwickshire militia, who were chiefly artisans, teach the Irish to drink beer? or did they learn from the Irish to drink whisky?
GLOSSARY
SOME FRIENDS, WHO HAVE SEEN THADY"S HISTORY SINCE IT HAS BEEN PRINTED HAVE SUGGESTED TO THE EDITOR, THAT MANY OF THE TERMS AND IDIOMATIC PHRASES, WITH WHICH IT ABOUNDS, COULD NOT BE INTELLIGIBLE TO THE ENGLISH READER WITHOUT FURTHER EXPLANATION. THE EDITOR HAS THEREFORE FURNISHED THE FOLLOWING GLOSSARY.
GLOSSARY 1. MONDAY MORNING--
Thady begins his memoirs of the Rackrent Family by dating MONDAY MORNING, because no great undertaking can be auspiciously commenced in Ireland on any morning but MONDAY MORNING. "Oh, please G.o.d we live till Monday morning, we"ll set the slater to mend the roof of the house. On Monday morning we"ll fall to, and cut the turf. On Monday morning we"ll see and begin mowing. On Monday morning, please your honour, we"ll begin and dig the potatoes," etc.
All the intermediate days, between the making of such speeches and the ensuing Monday, are wasted: and when Monday morning comes, it is ten to one that the business is deferred to THE NEXT Monday morning. The Editor knew a gentleman, who, to counteract this prejudice, made his workmen and labourers begin all new pieces of work upon a Sat.u.r.day.
GLOSSARY 2. LET ALONE THE THREE KINGDOMS ITSELF.
--LET ALONE, in this sentence, means put out of consideration. The phrase, let alone, which is now used as the imperative of a verb, may in time become a conjunction, and may exercise the ingenuity of some future etymologist. The celebrated Horne Tooke has proved most satisfactorily, that the conjunction but comes from the imperative of the Anglo-Saxon verb (BEOUTAN) TO BE OUT; also, that IF comes from GIF, the imperative of the Anglo-Saxon verb which signifies TO GIVE, etc.