"Good point," Rhiannon adds.
"How do you know what"s right or wrong for me?" Eliza challenges.
"I guess I don"t," I admit. "But you seem unhappy to me. And that makes me wonder if you"re heading the wrong way."
"So you"re saying that the things I want are wrong?" Eliza points to Paige now. "I mean, you get to be the star of your own show." She points to Taylor. "And you"re turning out to be a supermodel." She points to Rhiannon. "You"re getting to design like you wanted." Then she points to DJ and just frowns. "You don"t even try and you always seem to land on top."
"That"s not true," DJ tells her.
"But no matter what I do or how hard I work, I"m always getting beat out by someone else. It"s just not fair."
"Maybe G.o.d is trying to tell you something," DJ says quietly.
Eliza just rolls her eyes. "Here comes the sermon."
"Maybe you should listen to the sermon," Taylor tells her. "It might answer some of your questions."
"Because you"re living an Eliza-directed life," DJ points out. "And you"re going after what Eliza wants without any regard for what G.o.d might have for you."
"And what G.o.d has for you is so much more," Rhiannon adds.
"I agree," I say cautiously. "I"m trying to live a G.o.d-directed life too. And I"m not saying I do everything right, because I definitely don"t. But I try to trust G.o.d and I pray for him to show me what"s best for me. And, right now, I"m getting to do this TV show with Paige-which by the way, wasn"t something that I originally wanted to do. But the more I do it, the more I realize that G.o.d wants me to be with my sister...to help her in whatever way I can."
Paige gives me a tolerant smile. "I"m sure G.o.d knows just how desperately I need your help too."
"But I"m not the star of the show," I say to Eliza, "and that"s just fine with me. I wouldn"t even want to be the star. For me it"s more fun helping someone else to shine."
Rhiannon nods. "That"s how I feel too. I mean, I love to design, but the really cool part is watching someone else wearing the clothes I made. Not everyone can be the star. At least not all the time."
"But I want want to be the star!" Eliza insists. "Why is that wrong?" to be the star!" Eliza insists. "Why is that wrong?"
"Maybe G.o.d doesn"t want you to be the star," I suggest. "Maybe he has a different, better kind of plan for your life."
"But how will you know if you don"t ask him?" DJ adds.
We talk about this for about an hour and although Eliza can"t seem to let go of wanting stardom, I think maybe she"s considering what we"re trying to tell her. And I think maybe Paige is too. Because in some ways, Paige and Eliza are similar, except that I think Paige"s motivation is about more than just being a star. She genuinely loves what she"s doing. And I"m guessing that"s why it"s working for her.
Chapter 17.
On Monday, we return to Taylor and Eliza"s apartment in time to see them getting up in the morning and having breakfast, although Eliza barely eats and Paige makes a comment about it, which makes Eliza mad. Then after they"re dressed and ready for the day, we head out, tagging along as they go to the modeling agency. Eliza"s apartment in time to see them getting up in the morning and having breakfast, although Eliza barely eats and Paige makes a comment about it, which makes Eliza mad. Then after they"re dressed and ready for the day, we head out, tagging along as they go to the modeling agency.
"I know it"s more than your typical day," Fran tells them as we ride in the town car, "but viewers will appreciate seeing the inner workings like this." So we do some filming at the agency and Taylor and Eliza pick up their go-see information. And then we follow them to their appointments, both for print ads. Taylor gets a callback, but Eliza is still waiting. And she seems to be smoldering a bit. Something about her att.i.tude reminds me of my best friend...or my ex best friend. I"m not really sure anymore. But after our workday is done, I decide to give Mollie a call.
She doesn"t answer and, as usual, I get her voicemail. "Hi, Mollie," I say as cheerfully as I can. "I hope you"re over the flu now. I was just thinking of you and missing you and wanted to say hey. I"ll be home by Wednesday and maybe we can get together. Later."
As I close my phone, I wonder if we really will get together. And if we do, will Mollie continue with her chilly jealousy act, or can we make an attempt to just be honest and talk about this?
Then I get what I think might be a good idea. Remembering Blake"s invitation to go out on Valentine"s Day, I wonder if we could go on a double date with Mollie and Tony-just like we used to do. So I call Blake and tell him about it.
"Let me guess...you"re worried that things will get too serious if it"s just you and me alone, right?" he asks in a teasing tone.
I just laugh. "No, that"s not it. I"m just feeling like Mollie and I are growing apart. And I don"t want that. Besides, remember how much fun we used to have going out with them together? I miss that."
"Yeah, it does sound good. I"ll call Tony and see what he thinks. And now, tell me, how was the slumber party?"
"Fortunately, it was a tiny bit more mature than middle school. Although one of the girls, Eliza Wilton, is kind of the jealous type. At first she seemed to set her sights on Paige, but I think she"s mostly jealous of Taylor." Then I tell him about our plan to go to Couture Couture tomorrow. "It sounds like Eliza wants to come too, but I think that"s only going to make things worse. She"s got this att.i.tude-and it"s weird because she"s really pretty and her parents are like billionaires, but she"s got this obsession with being a star, and I honestly don"t think she"s got the right stuff." tomorrow. "It sounds like Eliza wants to come too, but I think that"s only going to make things worse. She"s got this att.i.tude-and it"s weird because she"s really pretty and her parents are like billionaires, but she"s got this obsession with being a star, and I honestly don"t think she"s got the right stuff."
"Maybe she can buy her way to stardom."
"Maybe." We talk awhile longer and I suddenly realize that I"m homesick. I miss Blake and Mollie and my mom. So I give Mom a call too, and she sounds like she misses us even more than we miss her.
"It"s really given me a taste of empty nest syndrome," she admits. "And I"m not sure I like it."
"Well, it"s not like we"ve moved out, Mom," I remind her.
"But it is just a matter of time...one day you will."
"Not any time soon."
"No, of course, there"s no hurry. But I should tell you what I already told Paige."
"What?" Suddenly I"m alarmed. Surely Mom"s not going to make us move out.
"Well...Jon and I...it"s getting more serious. I just thought you should know, Erin."
"You"re not running off to Vegas to get married, are you?"
She laughs. "Oh, it"s not that serious. Not yet anyway. And definitely not to Vegas. We wouldn"t do it like that."
"But you"re actually thinking of marriage?" I feel stunned.
"It"s hard not to think think about it, Erin. Jon is a wonderful guy. And, for the first time since losing your dad, well, I feel happier than I ever thought possible." about it, Erin. Jon is a wonderful guy. And, for the first time since losing your dad, well, I feel happier than I ever thought possible."
I try to absorb this. My mom is falling in love?
"I don"t want you to worry, honey. I just want you to be on the same page as Paige." She chuckles at her little play on words.
"Thanks...I appreciate it."
"And I know you"ll be happy for me if Jon and I take our relationship to the next level."
"Sure." I try to sound convincing. "Of course."
But after I hang up I have this very bad feeling. It"s not that I don"t like Jon. Actually, I don"t really know him that well, but what I do know of him, I like. I just feel like this is wrong. I can"t imagine my mom being married to someone besides my dad. Yet, as much as I hate to admit this, I realize that I"m being very selfish. I suddenly realize that I"m no different than Eliza and how she acts about Taylor"s success, or Mollie in the way she resents me doing On the Runway. On the Runway. And these are sobering thoughts. It"s not easy to see yourself as you really are. So I decide the only thing I can really do about this Mom and Jon thing is to pray about it. And that is exactly what I do. And these are sobering thoughts. It"s not easy to see yourself as you really are. So I decide the only thing I can really do about this Mom and Jon thing is to pray about it. And that is exactly what I do.
On Tuesday we all meet up at Couture Couture magazine. As usual, I"m playing Camera Girl and enjoying hanging in the background as Paige and Taylor are given a tour of the magazine"s head-quarters and basically treated like rock stars. And although Eliza isn"t completely ignored, I can tell that she"s starting to feel like extra baggage. It doesn"t help when JJ motions for her to move away so he can get a better shot of Taylor and Paige as they"re chatting with the editor-in-chief. magazine. As usual, I"m playing Camera Girl and enjoying hanging in the background as Paige and Taylor are given a tour of the magazine"s head-quarters and basically treated like rock stars. And although Eliza isn"t completely ignored, I can tell that she"s starting to feel like extra baggage. It doesn"t help when JJ motions for her to move away so he can get a better shot of Taylor and Paige as they"re chatting with the editor-in-chief.
They"ve even arranged for a mock photo shoot, just so we can include it in our show. But when they"re done, the photographer seems pleased. "Some of these are so good that we might just use them anyway," he tells Taylor. "Great work, kiddo!"
As we"re wrapping it up, Eliza leaves our group, saying she needs to use the restroom. But after awhile, we"re getting ready to leave and she hasn"t come back, so I offer to go check on her. To my surprise, she"s still in the ladies" lounge-crying.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
She sniffs, then reaches for a tissue to blot her tears. "Do I look okay?"
I shrug.
"I"m just sick of this," she says as she tosses the wadded tissue into the trash. "I"m sick of being second-best, runner-up, second-fiddle...the loser."
"You"re hardly a loser," I tell her. "Good grief, do you know how many girls would love to be in your shoes?"
"I don"t care about that."
"Then you know what?" I stare at her.
"What?"
"You might as well get used to it."
"Used to what?"
"Being a loser."
She blinks.
"Because as long as you look at life the way you"re looking at it, you"ll always be a loser."
"Are you going to talk about G.o.d again?"
"As a matter of fact, yes. Because the way I see it, Eliza, G.o.d has given you a whole lot. I mean, you are beautiful. And, other than your obsession with being first, you seem like you"re intelligent. Plus you were born into money. You know how many girls would be happy to have just one part of that little formula? And yet you go on and on about what you don"t have. Really, it"s pathetic."
"Thanks a lot."
I would apologize for being so blunt, but a little dose of honesty might be just what she needs right now. "Eliza," I say more gently, "I"m just thinking that with all G.o.d has given you...well, maybe he expects you to do something with it. Something more important than putting your face in front of a camera."
"Like what? Go feed starving kids in Africa?"
I nod. "Maybe. I think that could be a great beginning for you."
"And then what?"
"And then maybe G.o.d would show you what. But you need to quit focusing on yourself all the time, Eliza. It"s not only shallow and selfish, it"s totally unhealthy. And when you act like you"ve been acting, no one is going to want to be around you."
"Well, gee...Thanks for the little pep talk."
"I guess I just call it as I see it."
She blows her nose then looks in the mirror. "Maybe it was a mistake to want to model."
"Well, we should probably go before they send out a search party."
She doesn"t say another word about this conversation and I have no idea whether anything I said might do any good or make any difference, but I decide to put Eliza Wilton on my prayer list. And I think, in her own way, she"s actually crying out for help.
On Wednesday morning we anxiously head for LaGuardia again and, thankfully, Paige makes it through security without any complications. And although we don"t fly first cla.s.s, Paige seems as happy as I am to be going home.
We"re both totally surprised when we discover Mom, Jon, Blake, and Benjamin-along with balloons and a welcome home sign-waiting for us in baggage claim. JJ is even there to catch it on film.
After we gather up our luggage Jon offers to take us all out for dinner, but I play the spoiler. Whether it"s because I"m still feeling uneasy about him and Mom or because I"m just plain tired, I"m not sure. But I honestly do want to go to church tonight, and that"s what I tell everyone when I make my apologies. Jon just smiles and says "another time." Then Mom takes my bags with her and Jon, and I go with Blake. Because we"re crunching on time and because I"m starving, we decide to snag burgers at In-N-Out and eat them in the car before we head over to church.
Now we"re sitting at church, and I can"t even describe how good it feels to be in a worship service. It feels like it"s been years since I"ve been here, and I can tell how much I need this. Still, I realize that I also need to be more supportive of my mom and her new boyfriend. I need to get over whatever it is that"s making me resent Jon. During a quiet moment, I ask G.o.d to help me with that.
After church, Lionel comes over to say h.e.l.lo and inquires about New York. But I can tell he"s curious about something else and I suspect he wonders why I"m here with Blake.
"How are your cla.s.ses going?" I ask as a diversion.
"Really well. I"m finishing up a short doc.u.mentary that turned out to be pretty good."
I make a face. "Okay, I won"t ask you to go into details since I"d probably just get jealous. But I"m glad you"re enjoying school."
"When do you think you"ll come back?"
I consider this. "To be honest, I don"t know. I"m committed to the show for the time being."
"And it"s giving you some great hands-on experience," Blake injects.
Lionel eyes Blake, then nods. We talk a bit longer before we go our separate ways. And I can"t help but feel something is amiss between Lionel and me. We used to be such good friends. As Blake drives me home, I try to wrap my head around the whole guy-girl thing, wondering why it"s so tricky balancing out relationships with the opposite s.e.x. Why can"t you have it all?
"So we"re still on for Valentine"s Day?" Blake asks as he walks me up to our condo.
"I can"t wait to shine up my bowling shoes," I tease.
He laughs. "Well, you might not need them after all."
"Oh, right..."