"Your toleration, then," said Cecilia, "will not be very extensive."
"No," said he, yawning, "one can tolerate nothing! one"s patience is wholly exhausted by the total tediousness of every thing one sees, and every body one talks with. Don"t you find it so, ma"am?"
"_Sometimes_!" said Cecilia, rather archly.
"You are right, ma"am, extremely right; one does not know what in the world to do with one"s self. At home, one is killed with meditation, abroad, one is overpowered by ceremony; no possibility of finding ease or comfort. You never go into public, I think, ma"am?"
"Why not to be much _marked_, I find!" said Cecilia, laughing.
"O, I beg your pardon! I believe I saw you one evening at Almack"s: I really beg your pardon, but I had quite forgot it."
"Lord, Mr Meadows," said Miss Larolles, "don"t you know you are meaning the Pantheon? only conceive how you forget things!"
"The Pantheon, was it? I never know one of those places from another.
I heartily wish they were all abolished; I hate public places. "Tis terrible to be under the same roof with a set of people who would care nothing if they saw one expiring!"
"You are, at least, then, fond of the society of your friends?"
"O no! to be worn out by seeing always the same faces!--one is sick to death of friends; nothing makes one so melancholy."
Cecilia now went to join the dancers, and Mr Meadows, turning to Miss Larolles, said, "Pray don"t let me keep you from dancing; I am afraid you"ll lose your place."
"No," cried she, bridling, "I sha"n"t dance at all."
"How cruel!" cried he, yawning, "when you know how it exhilarates me to see you! Don"t you think this room is very close? I must go and try another atmosphere,--But I hope you will relent, and dance?"
And then, stretching his arms as if half asleep, he sauntered into the next room, where he flung himself upon a sofa till the ball was over.
The new partner of Cecilia, who was a wealthy, but very simple young man, used his utmost efforts to entertain and oblige her, and, flattered by the warmth of his own desire, he fancied that he succeeded; though, in a state of such suspence and anxiety, a man of brighter talents had failed.
At the end of the two dances, Lord Ernolf again attempted to engage her for his son, but she now excused herself from dancing any more, and sat quietly as a spectatress till the rest of the company gave over. Mr Marriot, however, would not quit her, and she was compelled to support with him a trifling conversation, which, though irksome to herself, to him, who had not _seen her in her happier hour_, was delightful.
She expected every instant to be again joined by young Delvile, but the expectation was disappointed; he came not; she concluded he was in another apartment; the company was summoned to supper, she then thought it impossible to miss him; but, after waiting and looking for him in vain, she found he had already left the house.
The rest of the evening she scarce knew what pa.s.sed, for she attended to nothing; Mr Monckton might watch, and Mr Briggs might exhort her, Sir Robert might display his insolence, or Mr Marriot his gallantry,--all was equally indifferent, and equally unheeded; and before half the company left the house, she retired to her own room.
She spent the night in the utmost disturbance; the occurrences of the evening with respect to young Delvile she looked upon as decisive: if his absence had chagrined her, his presence had still more shocked her, since, while she was left to conjecture, though she had fears she had hopes, and though all she saw was gloomy, all she expected was pleasant; but they had now met, and those expectations proved fallacious. She knew not, indeed, how to account for the strangeness of his conduct; but in seeing it was strange, she was convinced it was unfavourable: he had evidently avoided her while it was in his power, and when, at last, he was obliged to meet her, he was formal, distant, and reserved.
The more she recollected and dwelt upon the difference of his behaviour in their preceding meeting, the more angry as well as amazed she became at the change, and though she still concluded the pursuit of some other object occasioned it, she could find no excuse for his fickleness if that pursuit was recent, nor for his caprice if it was anterior.
CHAPTER ii.
A BROAD HINT.
The next day Cecilia, to drive Delvile a little from her thoughts, which she now no longer wished him to occupy, again made a visit to Miss Belfield, whose society afforded her more consolation than any other she could procure.
She found her employed in packing up, and preparing to remove to another lodging, for her brother, she said, was so much better, that he did not think it right to continue in so disgraceful a situation.
She talked with her accustomed openness of her affairs, and the interest which Cecilia involuntarily took in them, contributed to lessen her vexation in thinking of her own. "The generous friend of my brother,"
said she, "who, though but a new acquaintance to him, has courted him in all his sorrows, when every body else forsook him, has brought him at last into a better way of thinking. He says there is a gentleman whose son is soon going abroad, who he is almost sure will like my brother vastly, and in another week, he is to be introduced to him. And so, if my mother can but reconcile herself to parting with him, perhaps we may all do well again."
"Your mother," said Cecilia, "when he is gone, will better know the value of the blessing she has left in her daughter."
"O no, madam, no; she is wrapt up in him, and cares nothing for all the world besides. It was always so, and we have all of us been used to it.
But we have had a sad scene since you were so kind as to come last; for when she told him what you had done, he was almost out of his senses with anger that we had acquainted you with his distress, and he said it was publishing his misery, and undoing whatever his friend or himself could do, for it was making him ashamed to appear in the world, even when his affairs might be better. But I told him again and again that you had as much sweetness as goodness, and instead of hurting his reputation, would do him nothing but credit."
"I am sorry," said Cecilia, "Mrs Belfield mentioned the circ.u.mstance at all; it would have been better, for many reasons, that he should not have heard of it."
"She hoped it would please him," answered Miss Belfield, "however, he made us both promise we would take no such step in future, for he said we were not reduced to so much indigence, whatever he was: and that as to our accepting money from other people, that we might save up our own for him, it would be answering no purpose, for he should think himself a monster to make use of it."
"And what said your mother?"
"Why she gave him a great many promises that she would never vex him about it again; and indeed, much as I know we are obliged to you, madam, and gratefully as I am sure I would lay down my life to serve you, I am very glad in this case that my brother has found it out. For though I so much wish him to do something for himself, and not to be so proud, and live in a manner he has no right to do, I think, for all that, that it is a great disgrace to my" poor father"s honest memory, to have us turn beggars after his death, when he left us all so well provided for, if we had but known how to be satisfied."
"There is a natural rect.i.tude in your heart," said Cecilia, "that the ablest casuists could not mend."
She then enquired whither they were removing, and Miss Belfield told her to Portland Street, Oxford Road, where they were to have two apartments up two pair of stairs, and the use of a very good parlour, in which her brother might see his friends. "And this," added she, "is a luxury for which n.o.body can blame him, because if he has not the appearance of a decent home, no gentleman will employ him."
The Padington house, she said, was already let, and her mother was determined not to hire another, but still to live as penuriously as possible, in order, notwithstanding his remonstrances, to save all she could of her income for her son.
Here the conversation was interrupted by the entrance of Mrs Belfield, who very familiarly said she came to tell Cecilia they were _all in the wrong box_ in letting her son know of the 10 bank note, "for,"
continued she, "he has a pride that would grace a duke, and he thinks nothing of his hardships, so long as n.o.body knows of them. So another time we must manage things better, and when we do him any good, not let him know a word of the matter. We"ll settle it all among ourselves, and one day or other he"ll be glad enough to thank us."
Cecilia, who saw Miss Belfield colour with shame at the freedom of this hint, now arose to depart: but Mrs Belfield begged her not to go so soon, and pressed her with such urgency to again sit down, that she was obliged to comply.
She then began a warm commendation of her son, lavishly praising all his good qualities, and exalting even his defects, concluding with saying "But, ma"am, for all he"s such a complete gentleman, and for all he"s made so much of, he was so diffident, I could not get him to call and thank you for the present you made him, though, when he went his last airing, I almost knelt to him to do it. But, with all his merit, he wants as much encouragement as a lady, for I can tell you it is not a little will do for him."
Cecilia, amazed at this extraordinary speech, looked from the mother to the daughter in order to discover its meaning, which, however, was soon rendered plainer by what followed.
"But pray now, ma"am, don"t think him the more ungrateful for his shyness, for young ladies so high in the world as you are, must go pretty good lengths before a young man will get courage to speak to them. And though I have told my son over and over that the ladies never like a man the worse for being a little bold, he"s so much down in the mouth that it has no effect upon him. But it all comes of his being brought up at the university, for that makes him think he knows better than I can tell him. And so, to be sure, he does. However, for all that, it is a hard thing upon a mother to find all she says goes just for nothing. But I hope you"ll excuse him, ma"am, for it"s nothing in the world but his over-modesty."
Cecilia now stared with a look of so much astonishment and displeasure, that Mrs Belfield, suspecting she had gone rather too far, added "I beg you won"t take what I"ve said amiss, ma"am, for we mothers of families are more used to speak out than maiden ladies. And I should not have said so much, but only I was afraid you would misconstrue my son"s backwardness, and so that he might be flung out of your favour at last, and all for nothing but having too much respect for you."
"O dear mother!" cried Miss Belfield, whose face was the colour of scarlet, "pray!"--
"What"s the matter now?" cried Mrs Belfield; "you are as shy as your brother; and if we are all to be so, when are we to come to an understanding?"
"Not immediately, I believe indeed," said Cecilia, rising, "but that we may not plunge deeper in our mistakes, I will for the present take my leave."
"No, ma"am," cried Mrs Belfield, stopping her, "pray don"t go yet, for I"ve got a great many things I want to talk to you about. In the first place, ma"am, pray what is your opinion of this scheme for sending my son abroad into foreign parts? I don"t know what you may think of it, but as to me, it half drives me out of my senses to have him taken away from me at last in that unnatural manner. And I"m sure, ma"am, if you would only put in a word against it, I dare say he would give it up without a demur."
"Me?" cried Cecilia, disengaging herself from her hold, "No, madam, you must apply to those friends who better understand his affairs, and who would have a deeper interest in detaining him."
"Lack a day!" cried Mrs Belfield, with scarcely smothered vexation, "how hard it is to make these grand young ladies come to reason! As to my son"s other friends, what good will it do for him to mind what they say?
who can expect him to give up his journey, without knowing what amends he shall get for it?"