And Julia, without calling or forming the thought, discovered an answer grown in her mind: an impression, a feeling.
What kind of a man?
A lonely man.
It came upon her like a chill. She rose from the pillowed chair, lightly. "I think," she said, "I"ll go on to my room."
"Are your windows good and locked?"
"Yes."
"You"d better make sure. All he"d have to do is climb up the drainpipe." Maud"s expression was peculiar. Was she really saying, "This is only to comfort you, dear. Of the three of us, it"s unlikely he"d pick on you."
"I"ll make sure." Julia walked to the hallway. "Good night."
"Try to get some sleep." Louise smiled. "And don"t think about him, hear? We"re perfectly safe.He couldn"t possibly get in, even if he tried. Besides," she said, "I"ll be awake."
(_He stopped and leaned against a pole and looked up at the deaf and swollen sky. It was a movement of dark shapes, a hurrying, a running_.
_He closed his eyes_.
"The moon is the shepherd, The clouds are his sheep . . ."
_He tried to hold the words, tried very hard, but they scattered and were gone_.
_He pushed away from the pole, turned, and walked back to the gravel bed_.
_The hunger grew: with every step it grew. He thought that it had died, that he had killed it at last and now he could rest, but it had not died. It sat inside him, inside his mind, gnawing, calling, howling to be released. Stronger than ever before_.
"The moon is the shepherd . . ."
_A cold wind raced across the surrounding fields of wild gra.s.s, turning the land into a heaving dark-green ocean. It sighed up through the branches of cherry trees and rattled the thick leaves.
Sometimes a cherry would break loose, tumble in the gale, fall and split, filling the night with its fragrance.
The air was iron and loam and growth_.
_He walked and tried to pull these things into his lungs, the silence and coolness of them_.
_But someone was screaming, deep inside him. Someone was talking_.
"_What are you going to do--_"
_He balled his fingers into fists_.
"_Get away from me! Get away!_"
"_Don"t--_"
_The scream faded_.
_The girl"s face remained. Her lips and her smooth white skin and her eyes, her eyes_ . . .
_He shook the vision away_.
_The hunger continued to grow. It wrapped his body in sheets of living fire. It got inside his mind and bubbled in hot acids, filling and filling him_.
_He stumbled, fell, plunged his hands deep into the gravel, withdrew fists full of the grit and sharp stones and squeezed them until blood trailed down his wrists_.
_He groaned, softly_.
_Ahead, the light glowed and pulsed and whispered, Here, Here, Here, Here, Here_.
_He dropped the stones and opened his mouth to the wind and walked on_ . . .) Julia closed the door and slipped the lock noiselessly. She could no longer hear the drone of voices: it was quiet, still, but for the sighing breeze.
What kind of a man . . .
She did not move, waiting for her heart to stop throbbing. But it would not stop.
She went to the bed and sat down. Her eyes travelled to the window, held there.
"He"s out there somewhere . . ."
Julia felt her hands move along her dress. It was an old dress, once purple, now gray with faded gray flowers. The cloth was tissue-thin. Her fingers touched it and moved upward to her throat. Then undid the top b.u.t.ton.
For some reason, her body trembled. The chill had turned to heat, tiny needles of heat, puncturing her all over.
She threw the dress over a chair and removed the underclothing. Then she walked to the bureau and took from the top drawer a flannel nightdress, and turned.
What she saw in the tall mirror caused her to stop and make a small sound.
Julia Landon stared back at her from the polished gla.s.s.
Julia Landon, thirty-eight, neither young nor old, attractive nor unattractive, a woman so plain she was almost invisible. All angles and sharpnesses, and flesh that would once have been called "milky" but was now only white, pale white. A little too tall. A little too thin. And faded.
Only the eyes had softness. Only the eyes burned with life and youth and--.
Julia moved away from the mirror. She snapped off the light. She touched the window shade,pulled it slightly, guided it soundlessly upward.
Then she unfastened the window latch.
Night came into the room and filled it. Outside, giant clouds roved across the moon, obscuring it, revealing it, obscuring it again.
It was cold. Soon there would be rain.
Julia looked out beyond the yard, in the direction of the depot, dark and silent now, and the tracks and the jungles beyond the tracks where lost people lived.
"I wonder if he can see me."
She thought of the man who had brought terror and excitement to the town. She thought of him openly, for the first time, trying to imagine his features.
He was probably miles away.
Or, perhaps he was nearby. Behind the tree, there, or under the hedge .
"I"m afraid of you, Robert Oakes," she whispered to the night. "You"re insane, and a killer. You would frighten the wits out of me."
The fresh smell swept into Julia"s mind. She wished she were surrounded by it, in it, just for a little while.
Just for a few minutes.
A walk. A short walk in the evening.
She felt the urge strengthening.
"You"re dirty, young man. And heartless--ask Mick, if you don"t believe me. You want to love so badly you must kill for it--but nevertheless, you"re heartless. Understand? And you"re not terribly bright, either, they say. Have you read Shakespeare"s Sonnets? Herrick? How about Sh.e.l.ley, then? There, you see! I"d detest you on sight. Just look at your fingernails!"
She said these things silently, but as she said them she moved toward her clothes.
She paused, went to the closet.
The green dress. It was warmer.
A warm dress and a short walk--that will clear my head. Then I"ll come back and sleep.
It"s perfectly safe.
She started for the door, stopped, returned to the window. Maud and Louise would still be up, talking.
She slid one leg over the sill; then the other leg.
Softly she dropped to the frosted lawn.
The gate did not creak.
She walked into the darkness.
Better! So much better. Good clean air that you can breathe!
The town was a silence. A few lights gleamed in distant houses, up ahead; behind, there was only blackness. And the wind.
In the heavy green frock, which was still too light to keep out the cold--though she felt no cold; only the needled heat--she walked away from the house and toward the depot.
It was a small structure, unchanged by pa.s.sing years, like the Landon home and most of the homes in Burlington. There were tracks on either side of it.
Now it was deserted. Perhaps Mr. Gaffey was inside, making insect sounds on the wireless.
Perhaps he was not.
Julia stepped over the first track, and stood, wondering what had happened and why she was here. Vaguely she understood something. Something about the yellow thread that had made her late and forced her to return home through the gathering dusk. And this dress--had she chosen it because it was warmer than the others . . . or because it was prettier?
Beyond this point there was wilderness, for miles. Marshes and fields overgrown with weeds and thick foliage. The hobo jungles: some tents, dead campfires, empty tins of canned meat.
She stepped over the second rail, and began to follow the gravel bed. Heat consumed her. She could not keep her hands still.In a dim way, she realized--with a tiny part of her--why she had come out tonight.
She was looking for someone.
The words formed in her mind, unwilled: "Robert Oakes, listen, listen to me. You"re not the only one who is lonely. But you can"t steal what we"re lonely for, you can"t take it by force. Don"t you know that? Haven"t you learned that yet?"
I"ll talk to him, she thought, and he"ll go along with me and give himself up . . .
No.
That isn"t why you"re out tonight. You don"t care whether he gives himself up or not. You. . . only want him to know that you understand. Isn"t that it?
You couldn"t have any other reason.
It isn"t possible that you"re seeking out a lunatic for any other reason.
Certainly you don"t want him to touch you.
a.s.suredly you don"t want him to put his arms around you and kiss you, because no man has ever done that--a.s.suredly, a.s.suredly.
It isn"t you he wants. It isn"t love. He wouldn"t be taking Julia Landon . . .
"But what if he doesn"t!" The words spilled out in a small choked cry. "What if he sees me and runs away! Or I don"t find him. Others have been looking. What makes me think I"ll--"
Now the air swelled with signs of life: frogs and birds and locusts, moving; the wind, running across the trees and reeds and foliage at immense speed, whining, sighing.
Everywhere there was this loudness, and a dark like none Julia had ever known. The moon was gone entirely. Shadowless, the surrounding fields were great pools of liquid black, stretching infinitely, without horizon.
Fear came up in her chest, clutching.
She tried to scream.
She stood paralyzed, moveless, a pale terror dying into her throat and into her heart.
Then, from far away, indistinctly, there came a sound. A sound like footsteps on gravel.
Julia listened, and tried to pierce the darkness. The sounds grew louder. And louder. Someone was on the tracks. Coming closer.
She waited. Years pa.s.sed, slowly. Her breath turned into a ball of expanding ice in her lungs.
Now she could see, just a bit.
It was a man. A black man-form. Perhaps--the thought increased her fear--a hobo. It mustn"t be one of the hobos.
No. It was a young man. Mick! Mick, come to tell her, "Well, we got the b.a.s.t.a.r.d!" and to ask, narrowly, "What the devil you doing out here, Julia?" Was it?