When we get down to the water, he stops a few inches away from the waves rolling in so he doesn"t soak his jeans and just holds me to him. I rest my head against his chest and listen to his heartbeat mixing with the gentle sound of the surf crashing against the sh.o.r.e. I"m going to miss this, miss him.
He"s running his fingers through my hair that"s falling down my back, stopping at my shoulder blades. It"s soothing and slightly helps me relax.
We stay like this for a few minutes, neither of us saying a word. Finally, Chase breaks the silence when he presses a kiss to the top of my head and murmurs into my hair, "G.o.d, I"m going to miss the h.e.l.l out of you."
It feels as if someone squeezes my lungs as his words. .h.i.t me. They burn as I try to fill them with air. I"m trying so hard to fight back the tears that have been threatening to fall for hours. I don"t know how much longer I can hold them back.
"I"m going to miss you too," I whisper so quietly I can barely hear myself, and I don"t think he can hear me either.
Holding my head in his hands, he pushes me from his chest and stares down at me with his gaze dark and brooding as he looks into my now watering eyes.
"We"ll keep in touch. I promise. There"s no way I can just walk away from you and never look back. You"re special to me, Ashlynn, and what we had this summer will forever be extraordinary to me." Raking his hand through his hair, he lets out a loud sigh. "G.o.d, I swear I"m not going to be able to escape you, even after you leave. You"ve imprinted yourself everywhere."
I don"t know what to feel as I hear him confessing my secret wish. My emotions get the better of me, and I allow a tear to escape and roll down my cheek. Immediately, he catches it with the pad of his thumb, brushing it away.
Letting out a sob, I ask him, "Why did I have to fall in love with you?"
The words leave my mouth, and as soon as they do, I regret it, because the look on Chase"s face tells me he doesn"t feel the same, and it hurts worse than anything I"ve ever felt before.
"s.h.i.t! s.h.i.t!" he shouts releasing me, and he begins pacing back and forth in front of me. "It was just s.e.x. Nothing else. f.u.c.k!" He continues to curse under his breath and run his hands over his face.
I jump slightly as he shouts out towards the ocean, but I refuse to cry in front of him. I rub at my eyes and scream at my subconscious to shut the h.e.l.l up and cut the f.u.c.king waterworks!
Turning around, I leave him there staring out at the ocean and make my way back up to the boardwalk. I"m suddenly very sober and extremely p.i.s.sed off. I press my hand to the intense pain in the middle of my chest. My heart is breaking, and my perfect last night in Myrtle Beach has just fallen apart.
Not even bothering to find everyone, I call a cab and wait until I"m already on my way to the house before texting Nikki.
I don"t feel well, so going back 2 the house. U guys stay & enjoy ur final night. I"ll c u in the AM.
My phone vibrates just as I"m putting it back into my clutch. I see it"s Chase and ignore it. I don"t want to listen to anything he has to say. Nothing will help ease the pain I"m feeling right now. I"m done with him. This just makes leaving tomorrow easier. He can go back to his manwhoring ways, and I"ll go back to Athens and move on with my life.
Stripping out of my dress, I slip on my favorite University of Georgia tee and a new pair of panties, and climb into bed. The moment my head hits the pillow, I lose it.
I bury my face in my pillow and let out all the tears I"ve been holding in all day. My shoulders are shaking and my head and eyes are pounding. Grabbing a handful of tissues from my nightstand, I blow my nose and try to dry my eyes, but the tears won"t stop falling.
Why? Why did I have to go and fall in love with the a.s.shole? Even now, as my heart is being shredded into a million pieces, I find myself still wishing he was here. I love him, and even if he doesn"t love me, it doesn"t change anything.
This summer was amazing, and every moment spent with him is a moment I"ll never forget. What started out as a hot summer fling I could tell all my sorority sisters about, has now turned into a tragic love affair, with me being foolish enough to fall in love with him, even when I knew it was only until I went back to Georgia.
My cries begin to taper off when I hear my bedroom door click open. For a moment, I allow myself to get my hopes up that it"s him, but I"m foolish like that. Blame it on the hopeless romantic in me.
Rolling onto my back, I look towards the door and see Becca. "I heard you crying. Are you okay? We tried to text you, but you never wrote any of us back."
I wipe at my tears with the palms of my hands and croak out, "I"m fine. It"s nothing a pint of ice cream can"t fix." My throat is sore from crying, and I lose myself again as I begin to think about it. "I"m tired, so if you can, just shut the door so I can go sleep. We can talk about it tomorrow while we"re trapped inside my car for five-plus hours," I tell her as I roll back towards the wall.
"Okay, sweetie. If you need anything, I"m only a room away."
I don"t respond. I choke back a sob as I adjust my blankets and the scent of Chase fills my nose. He slept here last night, so every inch of my bed smells of him. I breathe in the scent deeply, torturing myself as fresh tears fall and I remember how simple life was this morning when I woke up wrapped in his arms, and before making love to him like we"ve done almost every morning since we began whatever it is we are-were.
My door popping open again startles me, and I snap my head towards the light shining in from the hallway. "I told you I"m fine." I freeze as my eyes land on Chase, who"s standing in my doorway with a pained look on his face.
Good. I"m glad he feels like s.h.i.t. a.s.shole. If I wasn"t so exhausted from crying, I"d get out of bed and kick him straight in his junk!
"What do you want?" I ask quietly as I wipe at my nose and my eyes with another tissue. I toss it onto the nightstand, adding to the pile I started.
"I"m sorry." His words. .h.i.t me hard and the tears start falling once again. I watch as he slips his shirt over his head and starts to remove his jeans. My head is screaming at me to tell him to get out, but the sliver of my heart that"s left in my chest is telling me to be selfish and take from him what I can get before tomorrow comes and I have to leave.
I know once I"m gone he"ll replace me with the next girl who will fall for his charm and good looks, but I love him too much to not spend as much time with him as I can. He came back, didn"t he? So I can at least allow him to stay.
Without speaking, I sit up, flipping the pillow over so I"m not lying on a tear-soaked pillowcase, and watch him as he climbs into his side of the bed. "I f.u.c.ked up tonight." His voice comes out pained as he drapes his arm over me and pulls me to him.
I snuggle into his chest and rest my leg between his, keeping my hands up by his heart. It hurts to know he doesn"t feel for me what I feel for him. I don"t know how I allowed myself to fall for him. It was stupid and reckless. I knew from the start we had an expiration date. We were always just for the summer...nothing more.
"It is what it is. I"m too tired to talk about it, so can we just go to sleep?" I ask quietly as I bury my face into his chest and breathe him in.
I never want to forget the smell of his cologne, the sound of his voice, or the feel of his touch, but I know sadly it will happen. At some point in my life, I"ll fall in love again and forget those simple things about him I cherish so much right now.
"I truly am sorry. It kills me to see you cry." He gently brushes his fingers through my hair as he hugs me to him. I hate that his touch soothes me, even when it"s him who"s causing me pain.
"I know you are," I choke out as new tears run down my cheeks.
He flutters kisses from my forehead to the tip of my nose and stops at my lips. He presses his to mine, but doesn"t move them. His tremble as we both inhale and exhale slow, shaky breaths.
"You may not believe me, but I love you too." He murmurs the three words I needed to hear from him on the beach. Instead of making me feel better, it only makes the pain intensify.
That"s the last thing he says to me before I cry myself to sleep in his arms.
I awaken to an empty bed and feel my stomach flip-flop. I feel all the pain from last night come crashing back down on me. Did I dream it all? Did Chase stay at his house last night and never come here telling me he loved me, or hold me while I cried?
Climbing out of bed, I pad across the plush carpet into my bathroom to pee and brush my teeth. I packed everything yesterday besides what I"m wearing home today, so I could spend the morning with Chase. Now I"m wishing I hadn"t, because at least it would"ve given me something to do to distract myself from the inevitable.
When I enter the kitchen, I find everyone"s still asleep, so I get to work bringing my bags down to the car before making myself some coffee. My head feels like it weighs a thousand pounds this morning, and my body aches from my intense sob-fest I had last night.
I hear the loud exhaust of Chase"s truck and glance to my right, spotting his truck pulling up to his designated parking spot. He and Parker jump out with trays of Starbucks and paper bags in their hands.
"What are you doing up already?" he shouts across the driveway at me as he makes quick strides to catch up with me as I reach the stairs.
Stammering, I pull on the corner of my tank top and look from him to Parker. "I woke up and you were gone. I thought maybe I dreamt it all. I figured you were already heading back to Charlotte." I say glancing back to Parker. Everyone"s alseep still, so I figured I"d get a head start on packing up the car since there was nothing else to do."
Draping his arm around my shoulders, he beams down at me and kisses my lips softly before walking beside me, back up to the house. "We snuck out to get you girls your favorite coffees and m.u.f.fins before y"all woke up. We wanted to do something nice before you hit the road."
"I"m not leaving until this afternoon. My dad is sending his jet for me later today," Parker explains.
A private jet?
"A jet? Who the h.e.l.l"s your father?" I blurt out without thinking. Way to go, Ashlynn.
Laughing, he opens the door and walks over to the island, setting everything down. "He"s a politician. Believe me, it"s not as glamorous as it sounds. Thanks to his career, I"ve had three stepmothers and an alcoholic for a mom, who drowns her sorrows over her failed marriage by shopping and drinking dirty martinis all day. I was never so happy to go away to college and get away from them."
I suddenly feel really sorry for Parker. He seems like this goofy jock, when in reality, he has a pretty dysfunctional life. I can"t even begin to imagine what his family life must be like during the holidays. I take for granted having amazing parents. Not everyone is that lucky.
"How are you feeling this morning?" Chase asks, pulling me in for a hug.
"Okay. I have one h.e.l.l of hangover, but this latte will make it better," I tell him, grabbing the coffee with my name on it and sipping it.
"You know I"m not talking about hangovers, Ashlynn."
Grabbing his hand, I lead him out to the deck. "Can we talk out here?" I ask sit down on the wicker outdoor seat. Hugging my knees with one hand and sipping my coffee with the other, I stare nervously out towards the water, watching the seagulls flying around above.
It"s a beautiful day, but inside my body, there"s a storm brewing, and I"ve never so badly wished a gust of wind would blow through me and shift the storm back out to sea, so I could just bask in the warm sunshine.
"What do you want to talk about?" he asks as he slowly rubs his hand over my back. Still, his touch sparks something in me, even though I feel dead inside.
Keeping my eyes facing forward, I talk to him. It"s too hard to look into his eyes; the pain is too raw. "I wanted to let you know I"m leaving here with no hard feelings against you. I knew what I was getting into when this all started. I should"ve been more careful. We blurred the lines and the end result is this," I tell him, waving my hand around in front of me and I let out a soft sigh. "Heartbreak, disappointment...it all could"ve been avoided, but I foolishly thought we could give each other a piece of ourselves and still leave here unscathed."
Chase scoots closer to me and rests his hand on my hip, all the while, keeping his eyes towards the water too. "We both went into this knowing there was a chance we could get hurt. Honestly, I knew the moment I saw you the first day you got here that I was going to break your heart, but still, I pursued you."
I take another long sip of my coffee before resting my head against his chest. "The second I saw you, I felt something I"d never felt with anyone else. It scared me, but at the same time, it excited me. I told myself to just have fun with you, and the second I started to feel as if we were getting too serious, I"d walk away, but I just couldn"t. I was selfish and wanted to have you any way I could, and look where it"s left me." I choke out the last words and brush away the tears that are now falling again.
I breathe in a shaky breath and let out another sob as Chase hugs me tightly against his side, kissing my hair. I"m going to miss this, miss him so much it"s almost too painful to bear.
I hate that I"m crying. I hate that I love him, but at the same time, I don"t think I"d go back and change anything, even if I had the choice. Because love, even when it ends painfully, is still magical at one point in time, and that magic is what we have to hold onto, so we don"t lose hope in the idea that our happily ever after is still out there.
"Believe me, Ashlynn. I hate this. I hate seeing you cry. If I could fix this, I would, but I just don"t see how we could continue like we have, when we live thousands of miles apart. Could you really be happy with a guy you"d only see maybe once a month? I was stupid enough to think I could be with you casually and then let you leave. I knew continuing my relationship with you was wrong. We can call it friends just hooking up all we want, but we both know it"s grown into more than that. Somewhere along the way, we both fell in love with each other. No matter how crazy we knew it was, we both continued this. The truth is I never want to let you go. It feels like a knife in my chest when I think about you leaving, but there"s nothing I can do about it, and neither can you, because your life is in Georgia and mine"s in North Carolina."
Standing, I set my coffee cup down and then sit in Chase"s lap. Is it crazy I need to feel his arms around me to help ease the pain that"s eating away at me? I keep telling myself to make him leave. It"ll be easier to get in the car and drive away if we put s.p.a.ce between us now, but I can"t. I need to get as much of him can before I have to go.
I wrap my arms around his neck and rest my feet against the arm of the seat snuggle into his chest. I press kisses to his neck let my tears fall. "Even as my heart breaks at this very moment, I want you to know I don"t regret falling in love with you."
Chase"s arms tighten around me feel a tear fall from his chin and land on my cheek, blending with my own. I feel my heart squeeze in my chest realize he"s crying too. I"ve never seen a guy cry before. Knowing Chase is hurting too helps ease my pain, but at the same time, intensifies it.
My emotions are all over the place.
"I don"t regret a single moment spent with you. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you drooling over my abs." He laughs as he wipes his hand across his face. "I swear to you no matter what happens, I"ll always love you, Ashlynn Marie. Myrtle Beach will always be ours. Forever and always."
Not long after that, everyone gets up and loads the car while drinking their coffees and eating their breakfast. I nibble on a few bites of my m.u.f.fin, but my stomach is wound so tightly I can"t get more than that into me.
While we are loading up the last of our stuff, Chase runs inside his house, and then moments later, returns with his hoodie I"d worn on a few occasions over the last month. It"s black with checkered flags, and says Kenzington Motorsports across the front in red and white block letters.
"I want you to have this. I was going to give you a Tar Heels one to be a smart a.s.s, but I want to give you one I know you"ll wear. I dowsed it in my cologne, because I know how much you love it, so I hope it"ll last a while." He furrows his brow me as a sly grin dances across his lips. I smile back up at him, happy my tears have stopped for now. "Don"t think I haven"t noticed you sniffing me...so don"t try to deny it."
Laughing, I hug the hoodie to my chest and breathe it in. "I love it. Thank you." My voice starts to shake, but I take a deep breath and push the sadness away.
We stand in the driveway holding each other for the longest time, trying to prolong the inevitable. Finally, after Tamara slams on the horn, we break apart. "I better go before they get out and drag me to the car." I laugh nervously.
"I hate that you have to leave, but we can still talk every day." Taking my hand, he walks me to my car, and pressing me against the driver"s side door, he cups my face in his hands and kisses me one last time. I savor the feeling of his lips on mine, eagerly taking everything from him that I can. When we break apart, my heart is racing and my breathing is fast. "Goodbye, Chase."
"Goodbye, Ashlynn." He kisses my forehead and whispers, "Thank you for the best summer of my life."
The tears I"ve been fighting begin to fall freely. I smile weakly up at him run my hand over his scruffy cheek. "It was, wasn"t it?" I ask as I slide my eyes over his face and then turn to give the beach and our temporary home for the last month one more glance. "Thank you, Chase, for asking me to go out on your boat and not taking no for an answer, even though you tried to play it off like you didn"t care either way. That moment changed our lives forever." I give him one more peck on the lips and slip into my car.
I watch him disappear towards his house before I start the car. I"m glad he didn"t stay outside to watch me leave.
"Are you okay? I can drive if you want?" Tamara asks, resting her hand over mine, which is gripping the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles are turning white.
Shaking my head, I tell her, "I"m okay. I"m going to be okay." What I"m telling her are just words, because the reality of it is I don"t know if I"ll ever be okay.
I glance back at Becca, who"s looking somber as she texts on her phone. "How are you holding up?"
She sets her phone on her lap and looks up at me. "About as good as you. Why did we have to go and fall for them? Is it really that hard to just enjoy a good lay? We just had to let our hearts f.u.c.k it all up." She gives me a big grin as she wipes a tear from her cheek. "At least he"s keeping his word and texting me. The second my a.s.s. .h.i.t this seat, he texted me saying he missed me already."
Backing the car out, I crank up Jason Aldean"s My Kind Of Party, and head towards I-95 South.
May 25th 2011 WALKING THROUGH THE GARAGE at Charlotte Motor Speedway, I head towards the garage, where my team"s working on my car. This Sat.u.r.day will be my first official race in my hometown as a full-time NASCAR Nationwide Series driver. We"ve already had thirteen races, and I"ve finished in the top five every time. My dad"s confident I have a good chance of winning the championship at the end of the season if I can get a few wins under my belt.
If all goes well, I"ll hopefully be burning the tires off my car at the checkered flag Sat.u.r.day. My crew is saying they"ve built an awesome car for the race. We"ll see once we do our qualifying tomorrow.
I"ve been flying all over racing since February, and spent all the months before that preparing for the season, so I haven"t had any time to go to Athens to see Ashlynn. I tried to get her to come to a race and spend the weekend with me, but with school and all her charity work, she said she didn"t have any free time to leave school.
Back at the beginning of March, she asked if I would be able to fly down and stay with her in Daytona for the week, while she and her friends vacationed there for spring break. I had to race in Las Vegas on the fifth, so flew down on the sixth to meet her. When we saw each other, it was as if it were just yesterday we were together. She felt amazing in my arms. I never wanted to let her go. I had the following weekend off from racing, so spent the entire week with her.
She was the same beautiful, carefree girl I"d met on the beach last summer, but if possible, even more gorgeous. She was so excited to show me her first tattoo when she came strutting out of the beach house in her teeny, tiny bikini. She told me our summer together inspired it and I had to agree; it was the perfect tattoo.
Along her left ribcage, in fancy script font, were the words Always be wild & free, with a dandelion coming out of the last e", and blowing along her side, turning into seagulls flying away.
We agreed to just stay friends, because with my career taking off and her being busy with her junior year of college, there"s no time to focus on a relationship. We both decided it was best to not put false expectations on one another, so we openly date other people. Well, for her, she dates. Me? I just screw. I can"t give a woman more than that, because I lost my heart back in South Carolina and I never want to get it back. It belongs to Ashlynn, as hers belongs to me.
I try to text her as much as I can, and keep her updated on my career, along with all of my growing fans by keeping up with my Facebook and Twitter.
Hopefully one day, we"ll have better timing and finally get our chance, but for now, I"ll take what I can get from her. Right now, she wants us to stay this way, because it makes not seeing each other a little less painful.
"You ready to test out the car?" my crew chief, Elliot, asks as he adjusts his number 10 ballcap on his head. I picked the number when I got my official car for the Nationwide Series. It"s a way for me to show Ashlynn, even on the track, her and the summer of 2010 are always on my mind.
Zipping up my fire suit, I climb through the window into my car and slip on my helmet before getting to work buckling my harness. My pit crew pushes the car out of the garage so I can test it out and see what we"re getting for each lap"s top speed and time. My goal is to win the poll at qualifying tomorrow.
Flicking all the switches, my car revs to life. I drive through pit road, pull out onto the track, and begin driving around the circle. I never feel more alive than I do when I"m behind the wheel.
"She feels a little tight on the corners, but other than that, I think we got a good car for this weekend"s race," I tell Elliot through my radio.
After running ten laps around the track, I pull back into pit road to see what Elliot has to say. As I"m climbing out of the car and slipping my helmet off, my mouth hangs open as I spot the most beautiful blonde to ever grace this planet standing behind my pit box wall, talking with a few of my crew members.
Everyone knows of her, but have never actually met her in person. I talk about Ashlynn all the time, driving my crew nuts, but when they work for me, it comes with the territory.
"What are you doing here?" I ask as I unzip my suit and tie the arms around my waist. It"s hotter than a witch"s t.i.tty today in Charlotte, and the humidity is a killer.
She looks absolutely beautiful in her tight floral sundress and cowgirl boots.
"I came to watch your a.s.s finally win a race," she tells me nonchalantly as she holds her hands out to pull me in for a hug and a much needed kiss.