Leo repeated.
-I had a theory. It was wrong.
-Perhaps being expelled from Moscow, from a force you"d loyally served for so many years, was a greater shock than we expected. You are a proud man, after all. Your sanity has clearly suffered. That is why I"m going to help you, Leo.
Vasili stood up, mulling the situation over. State Security had been ordered, after Stalin"s death, to cease all use of violence against arrestees. A creature of survival, Vasili had adapted immediately. And yet here was Leo in his grasp. Could Vasili just walk away and leave him to face his sentencing? Was that enough? Would that satisfy him? He turned towards the door, realizing that his urges towards Leo were now as much a danger to himself as they were to Leo. He could feel his usual caution giving way to something personal, something a little like l.u.s.t. He found it impossible to resist. He gestured for the guard to approach.
-Bring Dr Hvostov.
Even though it was late, Hvostov didn"t feel put out by the abrupt call to work. He was curious as to what could be so important. He shook Vasili"s hand and listened as the situation was summarized, noting that Vasili referred to Leo as a patient not as a prisoner. He understood that this was necessary to guard against the accusation of physical harm. Having heard in brief the patient"s elaborate delusions about a child-killer, the doctor ordered the guard to escort Leo to his treatment room. He was excited about picking away at what lay beneath this outlandish notion.
The room was exactly as Leo remembered it: small and clean, a red leather chair bolted to the white-tiled floor, gla.s.s cabinets filled with bottles and powders and pills, labelled with neat white stickers and careful, tidy black handwriting, an array of steel surgical instruments, the smell of disinfectant. He was secured to the same chair Anatoly Brodsky had been secured to; his wrists, ankles and neck were fastened with the same leather straps. Dr Hvostov filled a syringe with camphor oil. Leo"s shirt was cut away, a vein was found. Nothing needed to be explained. Leo had seen it all before. He opened his mouth, waiting for the rubber gag.
Vasili stood, trembling with antic.i.p.ation as he watched the preparations. Hvostov injected Leo with the oil. Seconds pa.s.sed by, suddenly Leo"s eyes rolled back in his head. His body began to shake. It was the moment Vasili had dreamt of, a moment he"d planned in his head a thousand times. Leo looked ridiculous, weak and pathetic.
They waited for the more extreme physical reactions to calm down. Hvostov nodded, approving.
-See what he says.
Vasili stepped forward and untied the rubber gag. Leo vomited gobs of saliva onto his lap. His head fell forward, slack.
-As before, ask simple questions to start off with.
-What is your name?
Leo"s head rolled from side to side, more saliva dribbled from his mouth.
-What is your name?
No reply.
-What is your name?
Leo"s lips moved. He said something but Vasili couldn"t hear. He moved closer: -What is your name?
His eyes seemed to focushe looked straight ahead and said: -Pavel.
Same Day What is your name? Pavel.
Opening his eyes he saw that he was standing ankle deep in snow, in the middle of a forest, a bright moon above him. His jacket was made of coa.r.s.e grain sacks, st.i.tched together with care, as though made of the finest leather. He lifted one foot out of the snow. He wasn"t wearing shoes; instead, wrapped around each foot were rags and a strip of rubber, tied together with string. His hands were the hands of a child.
Feeling a tug on his jacket he turned around. Standing behind him was a young boy dressed in the same kind of coa.r.s.e sacks. On his feet were the same kind of strips of rubber and rags tied together. The boy was squinting. Snot ran down from his nose. What was his name? Clumsy and devoted and sillyhis name was Andrei.
Behind him a scrawny black-and-white cat began to screech, struggling in the snow, tormented by some unseen force. It was being pulled into the forest. There was string around the cat"s paw. Someone was tugging the string, dragging it across the snow. Pavel ran after it. But the cat, still struggling, was being pulled faster and faster. Pavel increased his pace. Looking back he saw that Andrei, unable to keep up, was being left behind.
Suddenly he came to a stop. Standing in front of him, holding the end of the string, was Stepan, his father, not as a young man but as an elderly man, the man he"d said goodbye to in Moscow. Stepan picked up the cat, snapped its neck and dropped it into a large grain sack. Pavel walked up to him.
-Father?
-I"m not your father.
Opening his eyes, he found himself inside the grain sack, his head caked in blood, his mouth as dry as ash. He was being carried, bouncing against a grown man"s back. His head hurt so much he felt sick. There was something underneath him. He reached down, touching the dead cat. Exhausted, he closed his eyes.
Feeling the heat of a fire, he awoke. He was no longer in a sack; he"d been emptied onto the mud floor of a farmhouse. Stepannow a young man, the man in the woods, gaunt and fiercewas sitting beside the fire holding the body of a young boy. Beside him was Anna: she was young again too. The boy in Stepan"s arms was part human, part ghost, part skeletonhis skin was loose; his bones protruding, his eyes enormous. Stepan and Anna were crying. Anna stroked the dead boy"s hair and finally Stepan whispered the boy"s name.
-Leo.
This dead boy had been Leo Stepanovich.
Finally Anna turned around, her eyes red, and asked.
-What is your name?
He didn"t reply. He didn"t know his name.
-Where do you live?
Yet again he didn"t know.
-What is your father"s name?
His mind was blank.
-Could you find your way home?
He didn"t know where home was. Anna continued: -Do you understand why you are here?
He shook his head.
-You were to die, so that he might live. Do you understand?
He did not. She said: -But our son cannot be saved. He died while my husband was hunting. Since he is dead, you"re free to go.
Free to go where? He didn"t know where he was. He didn"t know where he"d come from. He didn"t know anything about himself. His mind was empty.
Anna stood up, walking towards him, offering her hand. He struggled to his feet, weak and dizzy. How long had he been in that sack? How far had he been carried? It had felt like days. If he didn"t eat soon he"d die. She gave him a cup of warm water. The first sip made him feel sick, but the second was better. She took him outside where they sat, wrapped up together under several blankets. Exhausted, he fell asleep against her shoulder. When he awoke Stepan had come outside.
-It"s ready.
Entering the farmhouse, the boy"s body was gone. On the fire was a large pot, a bubbling stew. Guided by Anna he sat down close to the heat, accepting the bowl which Stepan filled to the brim. He stared down at the steaming broth: crushed acorns floated on the surface alongside bright white knuckles and strips of flesh. Stepan and Anna watched him. Stepan said: -You were to die, so that our son might live. Since he has died, you can live.
They were offering their own flesh and blood. They were offering their son. He raised the broth to his nose. He hadn"t eaten for so long that he began to salivate. Instinct took over and he reached in.
Stepan explained.
-Tomorrow we begin our journey to Moscow. We cannot survive here any longer. I have an uncle in the city, he could help us. This was to be our last meal before our journey. This meal was to get us to the city. You can come with us. Or you can stay here and try and find your own way home.
Should he stay here, with no idea of his ident.i.ty, no idea of where he was? What if he never remembered? What if nothing came back to him? Who would look after him? What would he do? Or should he go with these people. They were kind. They had food. They had a plan, a way to survive.
-I want to come with you.
-You"re sure?
-Yes.
-My name is Stepan. My wife"s name is Anna. What is your name?
He couldn"t remember any names. Except for one, the name he"d heard earlier. Could he say that name? Would they be angry with him?
-My name is Leo.
11 July Raisa was shunted forward towards a line of tables, each manned by two officers, one seated checking a stack of doc.u.mentation while the other frisked the prisoner. No distinctions were made between men and women: they were all searched together, side by side in the same rough fashion. There was no way of knowing which table held your particular doc.u.mentation. Raisa was pushed to one table, waved to another. She"d been processed so quickly that her paperwork hadn"t caught up. Something of an irritation, she was taken aside by the guard accompanying her, the only prisoner with her own escort, bypa.s.sing this initial part of the process. These missing papers contained the statement of her crime and her sentence. All around prisoners listened blankly as they were told they were guilty of AKA, KRRD, PSh, SVPsh, KRM, SOE or SVE, indecipherable codes which determined the rest of their lives. Sentences were thrown out with professional indifference:
Five years! Ten years! Twenty-five years!
But she had to excuse these guards their callousnessthey were overworked, they had so many people to deal with, so many prisoners to process. As they called out the sentences she observed the same reaction from almost every prisoner: disbelief. Was any of this real? It felt dreamlike, as though they"d been plucked out of the real world and thrown inside an entirely new world where no one was sure of the rules. What laws governed this place? What did people eat? Were they allowed to wash? What did they wear? Did they have any rights? They were newborn with no one to protect them and no one to teach them the rules.
Guided out of the processing room onto the station platform, her arm held by the guard, Raisa didn"t board the train. Instead, she waited as all the other prisoners were loaded onto the row of carriages, converted cattle carts used to transport prisoners to the Gulags. The platform, though part of Kazan station, had been constructed so as to be hidden from the view of regular pa.s.sengers. When Raisa had been moved from the bas.e.m.e.nt of the Lubyanka to the station she"d been transported in a black truck with the words FRUIT FRUIT VEGETABLES VEGETABLES painted across it. She understood this was no cruel joke on the part of the State but part of the attempt to conceal the scale of arrests. Was there a person alive who didn"t know someone who"d been arrested? And yet the pretence of secrecy was zealously maintained, an elaborate charade fooling no one. painted across it. She understood this was no cruel joke on the part of the State but part of the attempt to conceal the scale of arrests. Was there a person alive who didn"t know someone who"d been arrested? And yet the pretence of secrecy was zealously maintained, an elaborate charade fooling no one.
At a guess there were several thousand prisoners on the platform. They were being forced into carriages in such a way that it seemed as if the guards were trying to break some record, hundreds being beaten into s.p.a.ces which, at a glance, should take no more than thirty or forty. But she"d already forgottenthe rules of the old world no longer applied. This was the new world with new rules and s.p.a.ce for thirty was s.p.a.ce for three hundred. People didn"t need air between them. s.p.a.ce was a precious commodity in the new world, one that couldn"t be wasted. The logistics of moving people were no different from the logistics of moving grain; pack it in and expect to lose five per cent.
Amongst these peoplepeople of all ages, some in fine tailored clothes, most in tattered ragsthere was no sign of her husband. As a matter of routine families were broken up in the Gulags, sent to opposite sides of the country. The system took pride in breaking bonds and ties. The only relationship which mattered was a person"s relationship with the State. Raisa had taught that lesson to her students. Presuming that Leo would be sent to another camp she was surprised when her guard stopped her on the platform, ordering her to wait. She"d been made to wait on the platform before, when they"d been banished to Voualsk. This was a particular trait of Vasili, who seemed to delight in witnessing as much of their humiliation as possible. It wasn"t enough that they suffer. He wanted a ringside seat.
She saw Vasili coming towards her, leading an older man with a stooped back. Less than five metres away she recognized this man as her husband. She stared at Leo, bewildered at his transformation. He was frail, aged by ten years. What had they done to him? When Vasili let go of him he seemed ready to fall over. Raisa propped him up, staring into his eyes. He recognized her. She placed her hand on his face, feeling his brow: -Leo?
It took him an effort to reply, his mouth shaking as he tried to p.r.o.nounce the word.
-Raisa.
She turned to Vasili, who was watching all of it. She was angry that there were tears in her eyes. He"d want that. She wiped them away. But they wouldn"t stop.
Vasili couldn"t help feeling disappointed. It wasn"t that he didn"t have exactly what he"d always wanted. He did, and more. Somehow he"d expected his triumph, and this was the crowning moment of it, to be sweeter. Addressing Raisa, he said: -It"s usual for husbands and wives to be separated. But I thought you might like to take this journey together, a small act of my generosity.
Of course, he meant the words ironically, viciously, but they stuck in his throat and gave him no satisfaction. He was curiously aware of his actions as pathetic. It was the absence of any real opposition. This man who"d been his target for so long was now weak, beaten and broken. Instead of feeling stronger, triumphant, he felt as if some part of him had been damaged. He cut short the speech he"d planned and stared at Leo. What was this feeling? Was it a kind of affection for this man? The idea was ridiculous: he hated him.
Raisa had seen that look before in Vasili. His hatred wasn"t professional; it was an obsession, a fixation, as if unrequited love had grown awful, twisted into something ugly. Though she felt no pity for him she supposed that once upon a time there might have been something human inside of him. He gestured at the guard, who shoved them towards the train.
Raisa helped Leo up into the carriage. They were the last prisoners to be loaded in. The door slid shut after them. In the gloom she could feel hundreds of eyes staring at them.
Vasili stood on the platform, his hands behind his back.
-Have arrangements been made?
The guard nodded.
-Neither of them will reach their destination alive.
One Hundred Kilometres East of Moscow 12 July Raisa and Leo crouched at the back of the carriage, a position they"d occupied since boarding the previous day. As the last prisoners on, they"d been forced to make do with the only s.p.a.ce left. The most coveted positions, the rough wooden benches which ran along the walls at three different heights, had all been taken. On these benches, which were little more than thirty centimetres wide, there were up to three people lying side by side, pressed together as close as if they were having s.e.x. But there was nothing s.e.xual about this terrified intimacy. The only s.p.a.ce Leo and Raisa had found was near a hole the size of a fist cut out of the floorboardsthe toilet for the entire carriage. There was no division, no part.i.tion, no option but to defecate and urinate in full view. Leo and Raisa were less than a foot from the hole.
Initially, in this stinking darkness, Raisa had felt uncontrollably angry. The degradation wasn"t only unjust, appalling, it was bizarrewilfully malicious. If they were going to these camps to work, why were they being transported as if they were intended for execution? She"d stopped herself from pursuing this line of thought: they wouldn"t survive like this, fired up with indignation. She had to adapt. She kept reminding herself:
New world, new rules.
She couldn"t compare her situation to the past. Prisoners had no ent.i.tlements and should have no expectations.
Even without a watch or a view of the world outside, Raisa knew it must be past midday. The steel roof was being cooked by the sun, the weather collaborating with the guards, inflicting a steady punishment, radiating an unrelenting heat on the hundreds of bodies. The train moved with such sluggishness that no breeze came through the small slits in the timber walls. What little breeze there might have been was soaked up by the prisoners lucky enough to sit on the benches.
Forced to let go of her anger, these intolerable temperatures and smells became tolerable. Survival meant adjusting. One of the prisoners had chosen not to accept these new rules. Raisa had no idea exactly when he"d died: a middle-aged man. He"d made no fussno one had noticed him or if they had, no one had said anything. Yesterday evening, when the train had come to a stop and everyone had disembarked for their one small cup of water, someone had called out that a man was dead. Pa.s.sing his body, Raisa suspected that he"d decided this new world was not for him. He"d given up, shut down, turned off, just like a machinecause of death: hopelessness, uninterested in surviving if this was all there was to survive for. His body was slung off the train, rolling down a bank, out of sight.
Raisa turned to Leo. He"d slept for most of the journey so far, resting against her, childlike. When he was awake he appeared calm, neither uncomfortable nor upset, his mind and thoughts elsewhere; his brow furrowed as though he was trying to make sense of something. She"d searched his body for signs of torture, finding a large bruise on his arm. Around his ankles and wrists there were red strap marks. He"d been tied down. She had no idea what he"d been through, but it was psychological and chemical rather than crude cuts and burns. She"d rubbed his head, held his handkissed him. This was all the medicine she was able to offer. She"d fetched his chunk of black bread and single strip of dried salty fish, their only meal so far. The fish, with its small crunchy white bones, had been so crystallized in salt that some prisoners had held it in their hands, desperately hungry and yet agonized by the prospect of eating it without water. Worse than hunger was thirst. Raisa had brushed off as much of the salt as she could before feeding it to Leo in small pieces.
Leo sat up, speaking for the first time since boarding the train, his words barely audible. Raisa leaned closer to him, straining to hear.
-Oksana was a good mother. She loved me. I left them. I chose not to go back. My little brother always wanted to play cards. I used to say I was too busy.
-Who are they, Leo? Who is Oksana? Who is your brother? Who are you talking about?
-My mother refused to let them take the church bell.
-Anna? You"re talking about Anna?