In my edition of "Elia," ill.u.s.trated by Brock, whose sympathetic pen, surely, was nibbed in days contemporary with Lamb, there is a sketch of a youth reclining on a window-seat with a book fallen open on his knees. He is clad in a long plain garment folded to his heels which carries a hint of a cathedral choir but which, doubtless, is the prescribed costume of an English public school. This lad is gazing through the cas.e.m.e.nt into a sunny garden--for the artist"s vague stippling invites the suspicion of gra.s.s and trees. Or rather, does not the intensity of his regard attest that his nimble thoughts have jumped the outmost wall? Already he journeys to those peaks and lofty towers that fringe the world of youth--a dizzy range that casts a magic border on his first wide thoughts, to be overleaped if he seek to tread the stars.
And yet it seems a sleepy afternoon. Flowers nod upon a shelf in the idle breeze from the open cas.e.m.e.nt. On the warm sill a drowsy sunlight falls, as if the great round orb of day, having labored to the top of noon, now dawdled idly on the farther slope. A cat dozes with lazy comfort on the window-seat. Surely, this is the cat--if the old story be believed--the sleepiest of all her race, in whose dull ear the mouse dared to nest and breed.
This lad, who is so lost in thought, is none other than Charles Lamb, a mere stripling, not yet grown to his black small-clothes and sober gaiters, a shrill squeak of a boy scarcely done with his battledore.
And here he sits, his cheek upon his palm, and dreams of the future.
But Lamb himself has written of this window-seat. Journeying northward out of London--in that wonderful middle age of his in which the Elia papers were composed--journeying northward he came once on the great country house where a part of his boyhood had been spent. It had been but lately given to the wreckers, "and the demolition of a few weeks,"
he writes, "had reduced it to--an antiquity."
"Had I seen those brick-and-mortar knaves at their process of destruction," he continues, "at the plucking of every pannel I should have felt the varlets at my heart. I should have cried out to them to spare a plank at least out of that cheerful storeroom, in whose hot window-seat I used to sit and read Cowley, with the gra.s.s-plat before, and the hum and flappings of that one solitary wasp that ever haunted it about me--it is in mine ears now, as oft as summer returns...."
I confess to a particular enjoyment of this essay, with its memory of tapestried bedrooms setting forth upon their walls "the unappeasable prudery of Diana" under the peeping eye of Actaeon; its echoing galleries once so dreadful when the night wind caught the candle at the turn; its hall of family portraits. But chiefly it is this window-seat that holds me--the cas.e.m.e.nt looking on the garden and its southern sun-baked wall--the lad dreaming on his volume of Cowley, and leaping the garden border for the stars. These are the things that I admit most warmly to my affection.
It is not in the least that I am a lover of Cowley, who seems an unpleasantly antiquated author. I would choose, instead, that the youthful Elia were busy so early with one of his favorite Elizabethans. He has himself hinted that he read "The Vicar of Wakefield" in later days out of a tattered copy from a circulating library, yet I would willingly move the occasion forward, coincident to this. And I suspect that the artist Brock is also indifferent to Cowley: for has he not laid two other volumes handy on the shelf for the sure time when Cowley shall grow dull? Has he not even put Cowley flat down upon his face, as if, already neglected, he had slipped from the lad"s negligent fingers--as if, indeed, Elia"s far-striding meditation were to him of higher interest than the stiff measure of any poet?
I recall a child, dimly through the years, that lay upon the rug before the fire to read his book, with his chin resting on both his hands. His favorite hour was the winter twilight before the family came together for their supper, for at that hour the lamplighter went his rounds and threw a golden string of dots upon the street. He drove an old thin horse and he stood on the seat of the cart with up-stretched taper. But when the world grew dark the flare of the fire was enough for the child to read, for he lay close against the hearth.
And as the shadows gathered in the room, there was one story chiefly, of such intensity that the excitement of it swept through his body and out into his waving legs. Perhaps its last copy has now vanished off the earth. It dealt with a deserted house on a lonely road, where chains clanked at midnight. Lights, too, seemingly not of earth, glimmered at the windows, while groans--such was the dark fancy of the author--issued from a windy tower. But there was one supreme chapter in which the hero was locked in a haunted room and saw a candle at a c.h.i.n.k of the wall. It belonged to the villain, who nightly played there a ghostly antic to frighten honest folk from a buried treasure.
And in summer the child read on the cas.e.m.e.nt of the dining-room with the window up. It was the height of a tall man from the ground, and this gave it a bit of dizziness that enhanced the pleasure. This sill could be dully reached from inside, but the approach from the outside was riskiest and best. For an adventuring mood this window was a kind of postern to the house for innocent deception, beyond the eye of both the sitting-room and cook. Sometimes it was the bridge of a lofty ship with a pilot going up and down, or it was a lighthouse to mark a channel. It was as versatile as the kitchen step-ladder which--on Thursday afternoons when the cook was out--unbent from its sober household duties and joined him as an equal. But chiefly on this sill the child read his books on summer days. His cousins sat inside on chairs, starched for company, and read safe and dimpled authors, but his were of a vagrant kind. There was one book, especially, in which a lad not much bigger than himself ran from home and joined a circus. A scolding aunt was his excuse. And the child on the sill chafed at his own happy circ.u.mstance which denied him these adventures.
In a dark room in an upper story of the house there was a great box where old books and periodicals were stored. No place this side of Cimmeria had deeper shadows. Not even the underground stall of the neighbor"s cow, which showed a gloomy window on the garden, gave quite the chill. It was only on the brightest days that the child dared to rummage in this box. The top of it was high and it was blind fumbling unless he stood upon a chair. Then he bent over, jack-knife fashion, until the upper part of him--all above the legs--disappeared. In the obscurity--his head being gone--it must have seemed that Solomon lived upon the premises and had carried out his ugly threat in that old affair of the disputed child. Then he lifted out the papers--in particular a set of _Leslie"s Weekly_ with battle pictures of the Civil War. Once he discovered a tale of Jules Verne--a journey to the center of the earth--and he spread its chapters before the window in the dusty light.
But the view was high across the houses of the city to a range of hills where tall trees grew as a hedge upon the world. And it was the hours when his book lay fallen that counted most, for then he built poems in his fancy of ships at sea and far-off countries.
It is by a fine instinct that children thus neglect their books, whether it be Cowley or Circus d.i.c.k. When they seem most truant they are the closest rapt. A book at its best starts the thought and sends it off as a happy vagrant. It is the thought that runs away across the margin that brings back the richest treasure.
But all reading in childhood is not happy. It chanced that lately in the long vacation I explored a country school for boys. It stood on the shaded street of a pretty New England village, so perched on a hilltop that it looked over a wide stretch of lower country. There were many marks of a healthful outdoor life--a football field and tennis courts, broad lawns and a prospect of distant woodland for a holiday excursion. It was on the steps of one of the buildings used for recitation that I found a tattered dog-eared remnant of _The Merchant of Venice_. So much of its front was gone that at the very first of it Shylock had advanced far into his unworthy schemes.
Evidently the book, by its position at the corner of the steps, had been thrown out immediately at the close of the final cla.s.s, as if already it had been endured too long.
In the stillness of the abandoned school I sat for an hour and read about the choosing of the caskets. The margins were filled with drawings--one possibly a likeness of the teacher. Once there was a figure in a skirt--straight, single lines for legs--_Jack"s girl_--scrawled in evident derision of a neighbor student"s amatory weakness. There were records of baseball scores. Railroads were drawn obliquely across the pages, bending about in order not to touch the words, with a rare tunnel where some word stood out too long. Here and there were stealthy games of t.i.t-tat-toe, practiced, doubtless, behind the teacher"s back. Everything showed boredom with the play. What mattered it which casket was selected! Let Shylock take his pound of flesh! Only let him whet his knife and be quick about it! All"s one.
It"s at best a sad and sleepy story suited only for a winter"s day.
But now spring is here--spring that is the king of all the seasons.
A bee comes buzzing on the pane. It flies off in careless truantry.
The clock ticks slowly like a lazy partner in the teacher"s dull conspiracy. Outside stretches the green world with its trees and hills and moving clouds. There is a river yonder with swimming-holes.
A dog barks on a distant road.
Presently the lad"s book slips from his negligent fingers. He places it face down upon the desk. It lies disregarded like that volume of old Cowley one hundred years ago. His eyes wander from the black-board where the _Merchant"s_ dry lines are scanned and marked.
_In sooth, I know not why I am so sad._
And then ... his thoughts have clambered through the window. They have leaped across the schoolyard wall. Still in his ears he hears the jogging of the _Merchant_--but the sound grows dim. Like that other lad of long ago, his thoughts have jumped the hills. Already, with giddy stride, they are journeying to the profound region of the stars.
[Ill.u.s.tration]
On Turning Into Forty.
The other day, without any bells or whistles, I slipped off from the thirties. I felt the same sleepiness that morning. There was no apparent shifting of the grade.
I am conscious, maybe, that my agility is not what it was fifteen years ago. I do not leap across the fences. But I am not yet comic.
Yonder stout man waddles as if he were a precious bombard. He strains at his forward b.u.t.tons. Unless he mend his appet.i.te, his shoes will be lost below his waistcoat. Already their tops and hulls, like battered caravels, disappear beneath his fat horizon. With him I bear no fellowship. But although nature has not stuffed me with her sweets to this thick rotundity; alas, despite of tubes and bottles, no shadowy garden flourishes on my top--waving capillary gra.s.ses and a prim path between the bush. Rather, I bear a general parade and smooth pleasance open to the glimpses of the moon.
And so at last I have turned into the forties. I remember now how heedlessly I had remarked a small brisk clock ticking upon the shelf as it counted the seconds--paying out to me, as it were, for my pleasure and expense, the brief coinage of my life. I had heard, also, unmindful of the warning, a tall and solemn clock as I lay awake, marking regretfully the progress of the night. And I had been told that water runs always beneath the bridge, that the deepest roses fade, that Time"s white beard keeps growing to his knee. These phrases of wisdom I had heard and others. But what mattered them to me when my long young life lay stretched before me? Nor did the revolving stars concern me--nor the moon, spring with its gaudy brush, nor gray-clad winter. Nor did I care how the wind blew the swift seasons across the earth. Let Time"s horses gallop, I cried. Speed! The bewildering peaks of youth are forward. The inn for the night lies far across the mountains.
But the seconds were entered on the ledger. At last the gray penman has made his footing. The great page turns. I have pa.s.sed out of the thirties.
I am not given to brooding on my age. It is only by checking the years on my fingers that I am able to reckon the time of my birth. In the election booth, under a hard eye, I fumble the years and invite suspicion. Eighteen hundred and seventy-eight, I think it was. But even this salient fact--this milepost on my eternity--I remember most quickly by the recollection of a jack-knife acquired on my tenth birthday. By way of celebration on that day, having selected the longest blade, I cut the date--1888--in the kitchen woodwork with rather a pretty flourish when the cook was out. The swift events that followed the discovery--the dear woman paddled me with a great spoon through the door--fastened the occurrence in my memory.
It was about the year of the jack-knife that there lived in our neighborhood a bad boy whose name was Elmer. I would have quite forgotten him except that I met him on the pavement a few weeks ago.
He was the bully of our street--a towering rogue with red hair and one suspender. I remember a chrome bandage which he shifted from toe to toe. This lad was of larger speech than the rest of us and he could spit between his teeth. He used to s.n.a.t.c.h the caps of the younger boys and went off with our baseball across the fences. He was wrapped, too, in mystery, and it was rumored--softly from ear to ear--that once he had been arrested and taken to the station-house.
And yet here he was, after all these years, not a bearded brigand with a knife sticking from his boot, but a mild undersized man, hat in hand, smiling at me with pleasant cordiality. His red hair had faded to a harmless carrot. From an overtopping rascal he had dwindled to my shoulder. It was as strange and incomprehensible as if the broken middle-aged gentleman, my familiar neighbor across the street who nods all day upon his step, were pointed out to me as Captain Kidd retired.
Can it be that all villains come at last to a slippered state? Does d.i.c.k Turpin of the King"s highway now falter with crutch along a garden path? And Captain Singleton, now that his last victim has walked the plank--does he doze on a sunny bench beneath his pear tree?
Is no blood or treasure left upon the earth? Do all rascals lose their teeth? "Good evening, Elmer," I said, "it has been a long time since we have met." And I left him agreeable and smiling.
No, certainly I do not brood upon my age. Except for a gift I forget my birthday. It is only by an effort that I can think of myself as running toward middle age. If I meet a stranger, usually, by a pleasant deception, I think myself the younger, and because of an old-fashioned deference for age I bow and sc.r.a.pe in the doorway for his pa.s.sage.
Of course I admit a suckling to be my junior. A few days since I happened to dine at one of the Purple Pups of our Greenwich Village.
At my table, which was slashed with yellow and blue in the fashion of these places, sat a youth of seventeen who engaged me in conversation.
Plainly, even to my blindness, he was younger than myself. The milk was scarcely dry upon his mouth. He was, by his admission across the soup, a writer of plays and he had received already as many as three pleasant letters of rejection. He flared with youth. Strange gases and opinion burned in his speech. His breast pocket bulged with ma.n.u.script, for reading at a hint.
I was poking at my dumpling when he asked me if I were a socialist.
No, I replied. Then perhaps I was an anarchist or a Bolshevist, he persisted. N-no, I answered him, sadly and slowly, for I foresaw his scorn. He leaned forward across the table. Begging my pardon for an intrusion in my affairs, he asked me if I were not aware that the world was slipping away from me. G.o.d knows. Perhaps. I had come frisking to that restaurant. I left it broken and decrepit. The youngster had his ma.n.u.scripts and his anarchy. He held the wriggling world by its futuristic tail. It was not my world, to be sure, but it was a gay world and daubed with color.
And yet, despite this humiliating encounter, I feel quite young.
Something has pa.s.sed before me that may be Time. The summers have come and gone. There is snow on the pavement where I remember rain. I see, if I choose, the long vista of the years, with diminishing figures, and tin soldiers at the start. Yet I doubt if I am growing older. To myself I seem younger than in my twenties. In the twenties we are quite commonly old. We bear the whole weight of society. The world has been waiting so long for us and our remedies. In the twenties we scorn old authority. We let t.i.tian and Keats go drown themselves. We are skeptical in religion, and before our unrelenting iron throne immortality and all things of faith plead in vain. Although I can show still only a shabby inventory, certainly I would not exchange myself for that other self in the twenties. I have acquired in these last few years a less narrow sympathy and a belief that some of my colder reasons may be wrong. Nor would I barter certain knacks of thoughts--serious and humorous--for the renewed ability to leap across a five-foot bar. I am less fearful of the world and its accidents. I have less embarra.s.sment before people. I am less moody. I tack and veer less among my betters for some meaner profit. Surely I am growing younger.
I seem to remember reading a story in which a scientist devised a means of reversing the direction of the earth. Perhaps an explosion of gases backfired against the east. Perhaps he built a monstrous lever and contrived the moon to be his fulcrum. Anyway, here at last was the earth spinning backward in its course--the spring preceding winter--the sun rising in the west--one o"clock going before twelve--soup trailing after nuts--the seed-time following upon the harvest. And so it began to appear--so ran the story--that human life, too, was reversed. Persons came into the world as withered grandames and as old gentlemen with gold-headed canes, and then receded like crabs backward into their maturity, then into their adolescence and babyhood. To return from a protracted voyage was to find your younger friends sunk into pinafores. But the story was really too ridiculous.
But in these last few years no doubt I do grow younger. The great camera of the Master rolls its moving pictures backward. Perhaps I am only thirty-eight now that the direction is reversed.
[Ill.u.s.tration]
I wonder what you thought, my dear X----, when we met recently at dinner. We had not seen one another very often in these last few years. Our paths have led apart and we have not been even at shouting distance across the fields. It is needless to remind you, I hope, that I once paid you marked attention. It began when we were boy and girl.
Our friends talked, you will recall. You were then less than a year younger than myself, although no doubt you have since lost distance.
What a long time I spent upon my tie and collar--a stiff high collar that almost touched my ears! Some other turn of fortune"s wheel--circ.u.mstance--a shaft of moonlight (we were young, my dear)--a white frock--your acquiescence--who knows?
I jilted you once or twice for other girls--nothing formal, of course--but only when you had jilted me three or four times. We once rowed upon a river at night. Did I take your hand, my dear? If I listen now I can hear the water dripping from the oar. There was darkness--and stars--and youth (yourself, white-armed, the symbol of its mystery). Yes, perhaps I am older now.
Was it not Byron who wrote?
I am ashes where once I was fire, And the soul in my bosom is dead; What I loved I now merely admire, And my heart is as gray as my head.